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AIBU?

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Original poster

School mums messaging DH

185 replies

ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 17:57

Hi Everybody,

Sorry this is long, it's driving me crazy and making me upset.
DC started a new nursery last year, I work full time, mainly with US so at the beginning was not able to do much of the drop offs or pick ups. Naturally it was DH that got to know the other mums/parents through him doing most drop offs/pick ups.

I had another DC a few months ago so have had a chance to start meeting other mums/parents doing drop offs and attending birthday parties etc. Some of whom I've met up with separately for coffees and playdates. A couple of these mums still text my husband directly to arrange playdates and ask about other things (incidents or news from the nursery) despite me pretty much establishing a good relationship with them (although not particularly close, strictly DC related but actually closer than what my DH would be).

For example, one mother I was texting yesterday about a playdate with her DC(for next week) randomly texts my husband today saying 'hey, some of us are going to the park so the kids can practice bike riding today. Does your DC fancy coming too?' I am pretty annoyed by this. To me this looks like an invitation to DH and DC only. Last month the same woman texted my husband after pick up (which I did, so we were chatting and catching up while there) to ask about an incident that happened with a group of children that day (nothing major just wanted to know our sons take on it) I found this odd since I literally saw her an hour before. A few other mums text my DH too, things like 'thanks so much for the birthday present for X' when I was the one who went to the party with my DC and brought the damn present. Or separate WhatsApp groups regarding parties (there is a main one for all parents which I'm in), I never get added to these just DH despite BOTH parents of other kids being added.

These things are starting to really bother me now. Especially from this particular mother ( re bike riding), all invitations seem to go directly to my husband. He is just as baffled by this (and other incidents) as me and always tells me when she texts because he thinks I should know even if it bothers me which I'm glad he does.

I have been really angry about the recent text and am planning to just blank this and the other mothers that do this as it's just fucking rude and ignorant. I don't text their husbands separately and highly doubt they do that to others. FWIW I don't have issues socialising with anybody.

So...

YANBU - Fuck them all, completely blank them and let DH do all playdates/parties, they clearly want that.

YABU - it's completely normal behaviour to be left out by other mothers in favour of DH

OP posts:
ProfessorXtra · 27/05/2023 18:16

You are being massively unreasonable. They got to know him first. You are currently doing the nursery run, but if you go back to work you won’t be and it will be him again.

and they aren’t assuming that the mother has to arrange everything.

They are just doing what they have always done.

Your ‘shall I fuck them all if they prefer dh’ is really quite odd. So what if they do. They are parents on the school run.

RememberNancyDrew · 27/05/2023 18:16

My child is grown but he attended a very expensive school with very successful parents - I was middle class single mother - and I had to figure out if my son's classmates were "Dad Kids" or "Mother Kids" or "Nanny Kids" to know who to contact - because it was usually just ONE of these because everyone was so busy busy busy. Your DH got in there first, that is all this is.

JudgeRudy · 27/05/2023 18:15

You seem overly bothered by this. You say there's a main WhatApp group but you're not invited to any spin offs. You also say you've established some DC related relationships with other mums and also that your husband wasn't close with anyone. I'm certainly not implying anything untoward but how do you know what he chatted about at the school gates?

They met him first so relationships have been established. Maybe later that mum said to group, oh shall we invite OPs kiddies to the cycle day? ....and just stuck with your husbands contact.
Finally you say you're goinging to blank this mum from now on. She'll either not notice or will decide you're unapproachable and leave any communication to your OH. Either way it won't help your case. Have you considered asking her to contact you first? If it was the school would it bother you so much?

Somebodiesmother · 27/05/2023 18:15

I'd lock him up and take away his phone. That will stop those brazen harlots getting to him!

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 27/05/2023 18:14

YABU - they've known your DH longer and are used to making arrangements with him. Nothing more to it.

Aeth · 27/05/2023 18:13

Maybe they get on better with him? Don't really see an issue, and I'm not just saying that. Due to career changes and breaks, DP will soon temporarily be taking I over nursery drops and pick ups, and I'll be overjoyed if we end up in this sort of situation, he can manage socialising fine, I don't like it if it isn't someone I already know well. 😅

DojaPhat · 27/05/2023 18:12

Do you basically not want the other mothers to stop texting your man? All else being above board e.g messages are entirely school/kid related then it doesn't matter. Are you genuinely the only 'other' parent that hasn't been added to the wider whatsApp group which contains both sets of parents? As long as you feel your husband is has appropriate interaction with these other parents then I'd just let it go. These years don't last long anyway.

Schooldinners1 · 27/05/2023 18:11

If I got to know one parent and always saw them at the school gates and felt I “knew him” more I would just naturally reach out with plans without thinking anything further, expecting him to share it with you and it being an open invite for the pair of you.

Did not think it was an issue it’s good they’re including him as usually mums just stick to socialising with mums and the dads are left out of it.

BlackWhiteColour · 27/05/2023 18:11

He is the primary parent in their eyes. Maybe they are used to texting him more?

Or maybe they like him as a person more (not in a sexual way). That’s ok too.

I would be delighted to be left out of play date arrangements. Truly.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 27/05/2023 18:11

Zipidydodah · 27/05/2023 18:08

Bloody hell - it’s the constant complaint that women are the default parent and carry the mental load etc. Then when there is a DH who has had that responsibility and so people contact them, that’s wrong too.
And unless you are married to Tom Hardy, then I doubt they are ‘after your man’ because a few mums have invited him to the park with the kids to ride their bikes!
Grow up!!

You said it better than me!

What exactly is wrong with your DH being the default contact for school stuff?

ModeWeasel · 27/05/2023 18:10

set up a group WhatsApp for all involved parents so everyone can see relevant messages - you/oh/other mum/other dad if relevant

neverenoughchelseaboots · 27/05/2023 18:10

Sirzy · 27/05/2023 18:00

They got to know him first. He was rhe “school parent” so it makes sense he will be the main contact.

I agree with this.

RandomMess · 27/05/2023 18:10

Presumably they assume you are going back to work, therefore DH will again be the parent to contact.

DiddyHeck · 27/05/2023 18:09

HerMammy · 27/05/2023 18:07

Everyone saying it's normal, did they read the OP? A mum OP was with an hour previously msgs her DH to ask something she could have easily asked OP, it's a bit rude. As for group chats he just removes himself.

Perhaps she wasn't thinking about it an hour before, or perhaps she didn't find out about it until after she got home?

missmollygreen · 27/05/2023 18:09

Ilovepotato · 27/05/2023 18:02

I can understand why it’s happened, but if it bothers you, maybe just get you DH to always reply something along the lines of ‘not too sure, you should ask DW’ ?

I can't articulate why this post annoys me so much.... but it really does!

Sirzy · 27/05/2023 18:09

HerMammy · 27/05/2023 18:07

Everyone saying it's normal, did they read the OP? A mum OP was with an hour previously msgs her DH to ask something she could have easily asked OP, it's a bit rude. As for group chats he just removes himself.

Maybe she forgot at that point maybe it only came up later.

why should be leave the groups just because his wife is sulking about him parenting his children?

Zipidydodah · 27/05/2023 18:09

OMG bluebeck awesome cross post!!

Zipidydodah · 27/05/2023 18:08

Bloody hell - it’s the constant complaint that women are the default parent and carry the mental load etc. Then when there is a DH who has had that responsibility and so people contact them, that’s wrong too.
And unless you are married to Tom Hardy, then I doubt they are ‘after your man’ because a few mums have invited him to the park with the kids to ride their bikes!
Grow up!!

bluebeck · 27/05/2023 18:07

Is this your DH?

School mums messaging DH
YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 27/05/2023 18:07

They see you as interchangeable. They see the last name texted and crack on with the message. They don’t think ‘Must text woman. Must not text man’.

I’ve got friends where I’ll text either of the couple. I do not wish to shag either of the couple.

You are being unreasonable and paranoid.

HerMammy · 27/05/2023 18:07

Everyone saying it's normal, did they read the OP? A mum OP was with an hour previously msgs her DH to ask something she could have easily asked OP, it's a bit rude. As for group chats he just removes himself.

WimpoleHat · 27/05/2023 18:06

Honestly- I don’t see what the problem is here. One of the SAHDs I got to know at my DD’s school once said to me “you’re about the only mum who treats me like a normal person”. And it sounds like that’s what this mum is trying to do. The message you quoted as an example is entirely innocuous and deliberately phrased as an invitation for the child - it would be entirely fine for him to reply and say “Thanks - great - Jane will bring him”. If she sees your DH more, she probably knows him better than she knows you and maybe they had a conversation about riding bikes in the past, so it was more natural to text him. I honestly think you run the risk of making life more difficult for your DH, who sounds like he’s doing a good job of integrating as just “one of the parents” at the school gate.

AlligatorPsychopath · 27/05/2023 18:05

They knew him before, and probably better than, you. So what? It's actually nice to see the dad being treated as the primary parent for once.

DiddyHeck · 27/05/2023 18:05

You've manipulated the vote so it's not really worth voting.

Some parents bond better with others, that's all.

Really not worth getting het up over 🤷‍♀️

Hugasauras · 27/05/2023 18:04

You also sound a bit aggressive about it with your YABU/YANBU options. Chill out, it's most likely nothing personal, they are just defaulting to who they have been used to arranging stuff with and who they've had that type of interaction in the past. I don't see why you would blank anyone. You say it's all about your DC and not social, but then it's obviously hitting a nerve for you socially, so which is it?