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AIBU?

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Original poster

School mums messaging DH

185 replies

ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 17:57

Hi Everybody,

Sorry this is long, it's driving me crazy and making me upset.
DC started a new nursery last year, I work full time, mainly with US so at the beginning was not able to do much of the drop offs or pick ups. Naturally it was DH that got to know the other mums/parents through him doing most drop offs/pick ups.

I had another DC a few months ago so have had a chance to start meeting other mums/parents doing drop offs and attending birthday parties etc. Some of whom I've met up with separately for coffees and playdates. A couple of these mums still text my husband directly to arrange playdates and ask about other things (incidents or news from the nursery) despite me pretty much establishing a good relationship with them (although not particularly close, strictly DC related but actually closer than what my DH would be).

For example, one mother I was texting yesterday about a playdate with her DC(for next week) randomly texts my husband today saying 'hey, some of us are going to the park so the kids can practice bike riding today. Does your DC fancy coming too?' I am pretty annoyed by this. To me this looks like an invitation to DH and DC only. Last month the same woman texted my husband after pick up (which I did, so we were chatting and catching up while there) to ask about an incident that happened with a group of children that day (nothing major just wanted to know our sons take on it) I found this odd since I literally saw her an hour before. A few other mums text my DH too, things like 'thanks so much for the birthday present for X' when I was the one who went to the party with my DC and brought the damn present. Or separate WhatsApp groups regarding parties (there is a main one for all parents which I'm in), I never get added to these just DH despite BOTH parents of other kids being added.

These things are starting to really bother me now. Especially from this particular mother ( re bike riding), all invitations seem to go directly to my husband. He is just as baffled by this (and other incidents) as me and always tells me when she texts because he thinks I should know even if it bothers me which I'm glad he does.

I have been really angry about the recent text and am planning to just blank this and the other mothers that do this as it's just fucking rude and ignorant. I don't text their husbands separately and highly doubt they do that to others. FWIW I don't have issues socialising with anybody.

So...

YANBU - Fuck them all, completely blank them and let DH do all playdates/parties, they clearly want that.

YABU - it's completely normal behaviour to be left out by other mothers in favour of DH

OP posts:
Badhairday101 · 27/05/2023 19:51

I think it's just who they knew first. I have a good couple friend who I was friends with the man first and know his wife through him. I like them both equally but text him rather than her because he was my friend first. He does the same, he's friends with my partner too but it's me he texts as we know each other better. I thought that was how it works for everyone.

TheBroadintheDaylight · 27/05/2023 19:51

My DH is the school parent. This happens all the time to us and it doesn’t bother me. If anything, I’m delighted because it takes all the school social stuff (which I hate!) off my plate. Sometimes I get copied into group chats about birthday parties and I get DH to deal with it 😂

MrsDrDear · 27/05/2023 19:50

A few other mums text my DH too, things like thanks so much for the birthday present for X when I was the one who went to the party with my DC and brought the damn present

Now this would bother me. I'd expect DH to reply something back 'glad X liked the present but that was down to Toffee I'll let her know'.

Maybe a group WhatsApp is the way to go, so whoever is available for playdates can just say instead of the other parents guessing which one of you may be free.

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 19:50

@Hugasauras I guess it's just how I felt at the time reading but it back and seeing the replies has made me rethink.

Yeah I guess I just feel insecure that DH is seen as the first person or only person to contact for DC arrangements. Despite me really making efforts with them all.

OP posts:
Coffeelotsofcoffee · 27/05/2023 19:47

Lol I think I'd be really chuffed for my DH if this happened

runninglady55 · 27/05/2023 19:46

Well done to the mums - they aren’t automatically assuming it’s the mum always sorting the children’s activities.

this.

i have found the same since DH does slightly more drop offs/pickups.

in the same situation, i just keep people's contact details by child.. who gives a fuck if it's the mum or dad, i just assume they talk to each other

seriously, op, some people would be offended by being the mum main contact even though your DH is the initial main parent here.. it shows progress that they're not just assuming all of the family mental load is on you!

i'm baffled that you're offended by this

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 19:42

@SleepingStandingUp it's the primary parent thing that I would like to be seen as (or even joint one) but I guess it's hard if DH has already been established as that

OP posts:
Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 19:39

@Ilovepotato he's done that in the past, sometimes works sometimes doesn't

OP posts:
Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 19:37

@Arewehumanorarewecupboards my DH said he thought it was a little odd as well (the fact that she texted me and then him today). But he has always said it's probably because they have known him a bit longer which I suppose is the case. Maybe I should be happy this woman is texting us both (even if separately) because most others just go straight to him.

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 27/05/2023 19:35

Even though I’ve been on play dates etc with my youngest DC, I’m not really interested in the parents as the time spent is just to entertain my child. I tend to save the names in by phone by their child because that’s what’s the important bit to me.

Some parents want to make friends and others see meeting up as a means to an end because it pleases their child. I fall into the latter category and really don’t care which parent comes along, therefore, I will just message whichever one populates in my phone first (usually it will be the first number I had for the child).

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 19:31

@MrsTerryPratchett 😆

OP posts:
Mangogogogo · 27/05/2023 19:29

I met my sons friends dad before I met his mum, but now I’ve spoke to and get on well with mum I couldn’t imagine now randomly texting her husband regarding the kids lollll.

on the other hand my sons other friends dad is the one involved with school and stuff and although I knew them long before our sons became friends I do message him regarding school stuff because I know his wife would be like ‘dunno wtf you on about’ 😂

i think if they hadn’t met you it would be different but now they have and have seen you doing the school runs and taking the kids places they should probably have realised that’s your role now

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 19:26

@stardolphins thanks yes that's why I thought it strange. We were literally in contact the day before about another playdate.

Stupidly thought I'd made some headway into having her text me for things instead of DH. But oh well....he was there first is what everybody else is saying.

OP posts:
Sianthomasisnothererightnow · 27/05/2023 19:24

Hey @ToughToffee, do you know why it bothers you? Is it because they’re women texting DH or is it because you feel a bit left out and would like some better social relationships with other parents? If it’s the latter I totally get that, maybe you need to try and arrange some play dates?

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 19:21

Lol to me yes!

OP posts:
TeaYarn · 27/05/2023 19:19

Maybe they just prefer your husband? 🤷‍♀️

Miscellaneousme · 27/05/2023 19:19

What’s the concern? That they’ll have hot sex at the park while the kids play on their bikes? 🙄

Dads are parents too. You’re being very irrational and definitely they will only be having contact with him if you carry on down this road..

My husband and I will interchangeably message parents about play dates etc etc depending on who’s at work or home as it varies from day to day.

YABU - normal for parents to have contact with each other male or female, they are messaging him as he primarily does the school runs

Whattodo112222 · 27/05/2023 19:13

Op with kindness.. maybe they just don't like you as much.

Dacadactyl · 27/05/2023 19:13

To avoid it looking like I had intentions towards the husband, I always text both mum and dad when I have their numbers. Even if the dad texts me about about sleepovers, I respond and copy in the mum too.

But in terms of your situation, you would be petty to do anything other than smile and be nice to these other mums. Perhaps they build up a good relationship with your husband and don't want him to feel like he's been dropped in favour of mum the minute you're on the scene.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/05/2023 19:10

ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 19:07

Thanks everybody for the replies, wow I've clearly overreacted. There are some really good well thought out points made and some funny ones! I guess I have to get over myself!

I definitely don't mean to say women and men can't hang out and be friends etc. I did think about him being the first one they knew.
We did also used to joke about him being the man from

DH is lovely and completely trustworthy. A great dad, husband and friend I guess that's why they may be drawn to him as well. I am reserved but not to the point of being unfriendly ( well....in my opinion but that could be a factor)

Anyhow....that's me well and truly told lol

Thanks for the replies, I'd respond individually if I could.

Good for you OP. Although just FYI it's more fun if you call everyone twats and fight on here 

As for @StarDolphins I mainly text the mum (even if they do 50/50. There’s only 1 dad that does most at DD’s school so I text him (but if his wife turned up, I would text her) please don't. Why should I do all the work? If you want to talk about play dates please text DH, I can't be arsed.

Fandabedodgy · 27/05/2023 19:10

Both your voting options are hyperbolic

They are texting the parent they know. It's nothing personal and you are being silly.

Just forward the message to whichever of you intends to go.

Frenchtoadt · 27/05/2023 19:09

DH needs to add you to the what’s app group or ask an ‘admin’ to .. I do agree though that they probably see him as default parent and you as the parent who will disappear again after maternity leave

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 19:08

The man from motherland the show

OP posts:
Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 19:07

Thanks everybody for the replies, wow I've clearly overreacted. There are some really good well thought out points made and some funny ones! I guess I have to get over myself!

I definitely don't mean to say women and men can't hang out and be friends etc. I did think about him being the first one they knew.
We did also used to joke about him being the man from

DH is lovely and completely trustworthy. A great dad, husband and friend I guess that's why they may be drawn to him as well. I am reserved but not to the point of being unfriendly ( well....in my opinion but that could be a factor)

Anyhow....that's me well and truly told lol

Thanks for the replies, I'd respond individually if I could.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 27/05/2023 19:06

Everyone saying it's normal, did they read the OP? A mum OP was with an hour previously msgs her DH to ask something she could have easily asked OP, it's a bit rude. As for group chats he just removes himself.
I regularly talk to friends at pick up and then later on when DC are telling me about their day, things come up so I'd send a text.

It wouldn't cross my mind to think "I saw David at pick up, so I must text him about today's events instead of Jane, who I knew first and typically talk about kidstuff with".

Some group play dates have mums, others dads, sometimes both. DH has had lunch with female friends and their children on play dates and I've had a coffee and chat with DC's friends' dads.

It's nice to see some parents not fall into the trap of assuming mum is the default parent.