Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School mums messaging DH

185 replies

ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 17:57

Hi Everybody,

Sorry this is long, it's driving me crazy and making me upset.
DC started a new nursery last year, I work full time, mainly with US so at the beginning was not able to do much of the drop offs or pick ups. Naturally it was DH that got to know the other mums/parents through him doing most drop offs/pick ups.

I had another DC a few months ago so have had a chance to start meeting other mums/parents doing drop offs and attending birthday parties etc. Some of whom I've met up with separately for coffees and playdates. A couple of these mums still text my husband directly to arrange playdates and ask about other things (incidents or news from the nursery) despite me pretty much establishing a good relationship with them (although not particularly close, strictly DC related but actually closer than what my DH would be).

For example, one mother I was texting yesterday about a playdate with her DC(for next week) randomly texts my husband today saying 'hey, some of us are going to the park so the kids can practice bike riding today. Does your DC fancy coming too?' I am pretty annoyed by this. To me this looks like an invitation to DH and DC only. Last month the same woman texted my husband after pick up (which I did, so we were chatting and catching up while there) to ask about an incident that happened with a group of children that day (nothing major just wanted to know our sons take on it) I found this odd since I literally saw her an hour before. A few other mums text my DH too, things like 'thanks so much for the birthday present for X' when I was the one who went to the party with my DC and brought the damn present. Or separate WhatsApp groups regarding parties (there is a main one for all parents which I'm in), I never get added to these just DH despite BOTH parents of other kids being added.

These things are starting to really bother me now. Especially from this particular mother ( re bike riding), all invitations seem to go directly to my husband. He is just as baffled by this (and other incidents) as me and always tells me when she texts because he thinks I should know even if it bothers me which I'm glad he does.

I have been really angry about the recent text and am planning to just blank this and the other mothers that do this as it's just fucking rude and ignorant. I don't text their husbands separately and highly doubt they do that to others. FWIW I don't have issues socialising with anybody.

So...

YANBU - Fuck them all, completely blank them and let DH do all playdates/parties, they clearly want that.

YABU - it's completely normal behaviour to be left out by other mothers in favour of DH

OP posts:
Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 21:43

@Whattodo112222 there's always that option. I mean they seem perfectly friendly and nice when we meet up, I don't think I've done anything for them to dislike me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 21:39

@LolaSmiles that's helpful to know that it's not a personal thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 21:34

@Dacadactyl yes I think they do see him as the 'parent to organise things with' and I've probably been overly sensitive about it and taken it personally.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 21:31

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts nothing really, I guess I'd like to be as well.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 27/05/2023 21:30

ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 21:20

@Dacadactyl I think I was expecting the other mums to do what you do (to start including me) since they had met and spent time with me too. It's probably unrealistic to expect that I see that now.

I don't necessarily think you're wrong to expect it, but I think that people are busy and they get used to seeing one part of the coiple as "the parent who deals with the kids". In your case, they have your DH down as that in their mind (subconsciously) so they're not thinking of you when texting or whatever.

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 21:23

@bluebeck 😂in my eyes yes!

OP posts:
Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 21:20

@Dacadactyl I think I was expecting the other mums to do what you do (to start including me) since they had met and spent time with me too. It's probably unrealistic to expect that I see that now.

OP posts:
RoseGoldEagle · 27/05/2023 21:03

I don’t think you can expect them to keep up with who is the parent that you’ve decided is doing most of the child related activities. They knew that as DH to start with, and although they now happen to see you too, there’s no reason they’d actively decide to stop texting him and start texting you. I’m sure over time it will gradually happen that way, but I think you’re reading way too much into this.

Tidlywinks · 27/05/2023 20:58

I think I’d just take tubas they met him first and it’s habit to ask him. Your overthinking.

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 20:56

@Sianthomasisnothererightnow Aww thanks, yes it's exactly that, since I was a woman too that we'd naturally gel, it is an outdated and sexist view I can see that now.

Hopefully I will get to know them more over time, but I should, as other people say, be happy with the fact my husband has integrated so well with other mums amd that he's so well liked.

OP posts:
AbreathofFrenchair · 27/05/2023 20:49

ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 20:27

@AbreathofFrenchair fair enough, I just thought they were favouring him instead of me for whatever reason.

Maybe they are? Have you asked them?

I wouldn't read too much into it though, your husband sounds like he wouldn't let it cross the line (if it ever went that far) and at the end of the day, its arrangements for the children.

It's not very often these lead to meaningful and close adults friendships and will most likely fade out once they start school and then it starts again.

It was a relief when they started secondary and arranged their own things tbh!

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 20:36

@runninglady55 I never really thought of it that way, my eyes have definitely been opened.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 20:32

@Rolloisthebestpony definitely DC related nothing inappropriate.

I have learnt a good lesson for DC2 starting nursery!

OP posts:
Sianthomasisnothererightnow · 27/05/2023 20:32

ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 20:20

@Sianthomasisnothererightnow yes it's because feel excluded when the invites or messages go straight to DH. I honestly thought DH and I have the same relationship with all parents so I guess that's why it bothers me so much sometimes it feels like theu favour him. Childish I know.

I don’t think it’s childish at all. I have a very popular DH and for a long time was known as ‘DH’s Mrs’. It can be really difficult, especially when you’ve been spending time with someone shortly before, and this sounds sexist and silly, but sometimes you sort of expect the women to naturally choose you to socialise with so when they don’t it can sting a little, even if it is unreasonable really.

Don’t take it to heart. If you like certain people then arrange your own play dates and find your own tribe.

Nevermind31 · 27/05/2023 20:29

Meh. Get your husband to add you. Suggest play dates yourself.
i happily talk to the dads, or the mums.
i don’t fancy any of them

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 20:27

@AbreathofFrenchair fair enough, I just thought they were favouring him instead of me for whatever reason.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 27/05/2023 20:27

I've done a little mental inventory of the default dads I know. Variously two single dads and I don't really know the mum, one dad who makes the best costumes and his wife has said "I sit and have a wine while he does the school stuff" so I text him. I do really really like him but NOT like that! And one whose wife is super judgey and thinks I'm irresponsible and feckless. I avoid her like the plague. DD's dyed hair and hoodies make her weep. Her child is perfectly Bodened.

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 20:20

@Sianthomasisnothererightnow yes it's because feel excluded when the invites or messages go straight to DH. I honestly thought DH and I have the same relationship with all parents so I guess that's why it bothers me so much sometimes it feels like theu favour him. Childish I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 20:06

@Newmumatlast lol thanks, I thought I was so right but they can't all be wrong.

OP posts:
Newmumatlast · 27/05/2023 19:57

ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 19:07

Thanks everybody for the replies, wow I've clearly overreacted. There are some really good well thought out points made and some funny ones! I guess I have to get over myself!

I definitely don't mean to say women and men can't hang out and be friends etc. I did think about him being the first one they knew.
We did also used to joke about him being the man from

DH is lovely and completely trustworthy. A great dad, husband and friend I guess that's why they may be drawn to him as well. I am reserved but not to the point of being unfriendly ( well....in my opinion but that could be a factor)

Anyhow....that's me well and truly told lol

Thanks for the replies, I'd respond individually if I could.

Respect for how well you took this OP compared to many threads I read :)

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 19:57

@HerMammy thanks that's what I thought but I guess I'm overly sensitive. If this happened again I still think it would slight me....can't help it.

OP posts:
Newmumatlast · 27/05/2023 19:56

Zipidydodah · 27/05/2023 18:08

Bloody hell - it’s the constant complaint that women are the default parent and carry the mental load etc. Then when there is a DH who has had that responsibility and so people contact them, that’s wrong too.
And unless you are married to Tom Hardy, then I doubt they are ‘after your man’ because a few mums have invited him to the park with the kids to ride their bikes!
Grow up!!

Agree. And tbh not all of us like Tom Hardy either lol.

Your options for yabu and yanbu are also swayed and in and of themselves make you look unreasonable in my view

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 19:53

@MrsDrDear thanks, funnily I said a.very similar thing to DH when he read the message out, he just shrugged and said he'd prefer to 'not go there'

OP posts:
Starseeking · 27/05/2023 19:53

Given that your DH was the "original school parent", I can understand why it would be normal for them to text him. I wouldn't read to much into it.

However, the feelings behind your OP are the main reason why I only ever text the school mums, and never the dads, even if the dads text me. As a single mum, I wouldn't ever want anyone (mum or dad) to get the wrong idea, despite the fact I am DEFINITELY NOT looking for a boyfriend from my DC school playground!

SnugAsA · 27/05/2023 19:52

If it bothered me, I'd start answering their messages from my own account, regardless of where they send them. 'DH told me about the bike outing. Sounds great! DC and I will see you there!' If you're the one who will primarily be there, they should eventually realise this and start messaging you more directly.