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AIBU?

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Original poster

School mums messaging DH

185 replies

ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 17:57

Hi Everybody,

Sorry this is long, it's driving me crazy and making me upset.
DC started a new nursery last year, I work full time, mainly with US so at the beginning was not able to do much of the drop offs or pick ups. Naturally it was DH that got to know the other mums/parents through him doing most drop offs/pick ups.

I had another DC a few months ago so have had a chance to start meeting other mums/parents doing drop offs and attending birthday parties etc. Some of whom I've met up with separately for coffees and playdates. A couple of these mums still text my husband directly to arrange playdates and ask about other things (incidents or news from the nursery) despite me pretty much establishing a good relationship with them (although not particularly close, strictly DC related but actually closer than what my DH would be).

For example, one mother I was texting yesterday about a playdate with her DC(for next week) randomly texts my husband today saying 'hey, some of us are going to the park so the kids can practice bike riding today. Does your DC fancy coming too?' I am pretty annoyed by this. To me this looks like an invitation to DH and DC only. Last month the same woman texted my husband after pick up (which I did, so we were chatting and catching up while there) to ask about an incident that happened with a group of children that day (nothing major just wanted to know our sons take on it) I found this odd since I literally saw her an hour before. A few other mums text my DH too, things like 'thanks so much for the birthday present for X' when I was the one who went to the party with my DC and brought the damn present. Or separate WhatsApp groups regarding parties (there is a main one for all parents which I'm in), I never get added to these just DH despite BOTH parents of other kids being added.

These things are starting to really bother me now. Especially from this particular mother ( re bike riding), all invitations seem to go directly to my husband. He is just as baffled by this (and other incidents) as me and always tells me when she texts because he thinks I should know even if it bothers me which I'm glad he does.

I have been really angry about the recent text and am planning to just blank this and the other mothers that do this as it's just fucking rude and ignorant. I don't text their husbands separately and highly doubt they do that to others. FWIW I don't have issues socialising with anybody.

So...

YANBU - Fuck them all, completely blank them and let DH do all playdates/parties, they clearly want that.

YABU - it's completely normal behaviour to be left out by other mothers in favour of DH

OP posts:
Original poster
ToughToffee · 28/05/2023 07:43

@MysteryBelle yes she is friends with those other ones, I did initially think like this but there are other mums (not within her particular group) that will still message DH instead of me, so it seems like it's established as the main contact. Not gonna lie, it will probably still bug me a bit especially when I've just seen her and she messages DH. I just think as others say burning bridges now would not help DH (who seems to get along with all the cliques and there are quite a few!)

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Wildspace · 28/05/2023 07:40

My DH is the school parent and it took people a while to figure out there was no point texting me as it would be him doing the logistics and parties. I’m very happy that he deals with all of the play dates and parties. It used to infuriate me that it was me added to group chats not him. Definitely shouldn’t remove from group chats!! He’s a bloody parent.

Original poster
ToughToffee · 28/05/2023 07:38

@BodegaSushi yeah he's really kind and empathic, great with kids and the mums lol even with cooking, cleaning...I don't have any complaints other than I feel like the inadequate one.

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Codlingmoths · 28/05/2023 06:32

HerMammy · 27/05/2023 18:07

Everyone saying it's normal, did they read the OP? A mum OP was with an hour previously msgs her DH to ask something she could have easily asked OP, it's a bit rude. As for group chats he just removes himself.

No he doesn’t bloody remove himself from group chats, he’s a parent! He adds his wife if she’s not on it and it seems useful or asks admin to add his wife.if I thought a dad has been set up as primary parent I’d make sure I at least messaged them 50/50 rather than assume the mum does everything.
the one messaging him after chatting to you is annoying. Maybe he default doesn’t reply to that woman. But there isn’t a conspiracy here op don’t go burning bridges, there might be one weird mum. If I’ve got one contact no saved for a child’s parents I can easily see I wouldn’t go looking up the other one, sorry but I’m a busy lazy mum.

MysteryBelle · 28/05/2023 03:13

Totally with you on this. Those particular moms are doing that on purpose. So the one mom had just talked to you an hour before with your child at school and then texted your husband who wasn’t even at pickup to ask what your dc’s take was on an incident at school that day. Ok, that is on purpose and calculated, it is not even logical. Makes no sense.

I bet she is friends with the other two(?) who do this. I’d drop all three cold and shore up my relationships with the nice moms. Your husband agrees with your assessment and so stopping them in their tracks on his end should nip this in the bud.

Ellie450 · 28/05/2023 01:46

ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 22:38

@VDisappointing I have with this particular mum but it just doesn't seem to work. I have seen the WhatsApp messages between her and DH though they go on for ages (all innocent just chatting, joking etc) it seems a little more forced with me, I guess they just get on better

You would be completely reasonable to put an end to this, and it would likely make you feel better about everything else. Innocent or not, she doesn’t need to be going on with him like this. And as someone else mentioned, she likely knows it and that’s part of the appeal for her. If he stops engaging she’ll get the hint.

EasterBreak · 28/05/2023 01:42

Yabu they all know him better than you. I had something similar but the child lived with his grandparents. Grandad always did school run and then nan started being seen at school sometimes. Both are lovely but I always messaged granddad about parties/play dates. He was there from day 1 and I hadn't thought that might be odd.

Clementinesucks · 28/05/2023 01:37

I have the opposite problem! Even when DH wasn’t working at all parents would text me. I’d text back “hi busy day with meetings please text X”. Some parents never got it (always the mums - why?)

Summerfun54321 · 28/05/2023 00:42

This is totally normal to have one parent who is mainly in charge of child care and play dates. Everyone has assumed it's your DH (rightly so because he was around a lot). This is also the case at school as well. There are a good mix of dad's and mum's active on the school whatsapp and for play dates I message the parent who is on the chat and is the most active, even if I am also friendly with the other parent.

Original poster
ToughToffee · 28/05/2023 00:06

@sofasofa42 It's probably the same situation as yours, DH did most of comms initially and I do get really get along with this woman so I guess I thought/assumed she would then contact me but maybe she's kind of stuck as both DH and I are friendly with her and she's trying to split the messaging one day me and the next day DH, who knows! But I can see.how having one person (in this case the initial contact DH) is easier.

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Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 23:55

@Backtothegym I didn't mean for it to come across like that but I guess it did. DH has been able to make these friendships.due to the fact that I was working and.unable to meet any of the parents myself (nobody's fault just life) however now that I'm in a position to attend playdates& parties I would like to think that I'd at least be considered as.another contact for DC playdates .DH would also like me to have a more active role in this than him, although he likes his friendships he has in the past found it quite time consuming with all the parties and playdates. Im not implying he can't still.be friends and interact with them.

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Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 23:36

@Sarahtm35 yeah initially I did.think this too which added to my anger

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sofasofa42 · 27/05/2023 23:34

Don't over think it . Wait until they start school and you are on wattsap groups! You will miss this lack of constant comms.
I have new parent friends and equally friends with both, but dad took control of all comms from the start and I still defer to him for all things. So do all the other mums . Its literally like are the boys coming with us today, oh I will message Dad etc. Its just been our pattern. I guess my relationship with mum is more lighthearted and we gossip on the phone .
Personally, if they think you are busy and earning buck and he is free for the parent nonsense then take it as a group of women saying you are busy and important and he isn't!

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 23:28

@AbreathofFrenchair aww.thanks

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Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 23:26

@skyblueblue yes,.there is a main parents whatsapp group and most parents (mums and dads) are in it, including DH and I.

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Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 23:22

@BigFatLiar I don't think I come across too badly (I have asked DH about this a lot) friendly maybe a.little reserved but nice (according to DH). DH is maybe more approachable. I wouldn't interfere with his friendships with the other mums as I trust him (and them) but I guess I need to get it in my head that he's seen as the main contact for DC which I have found annoying.

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RudsyFarmer · 27/05/2023 23:11

Yes my immediate thought is he is probably handsome/athletic/funny and they’re hoping to engage him in some online chat and banter.

78Summer · 27/05/2023 23:10

Very annoying. To the next couple of texts from each person he should reply ‘please ask x’ or ‘thanks I will let x know’. Then stop responding.

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 23:08

@WimpoleHat hmm I reckon if it was playdate related DC would most likely associate it with DH since he has done more of it.

I can see how it has come to this but I guess I thought it would all change once I started meeting with the group.

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Sarahtm35 · 27/05/2023 23:08

Ugh I can’t stand all this school mum pally pally small talk “let’s go for coffee and play dates” BS. I’m the type of mum who collects her child and leaves asap! 😂So yanbu in my opinion. These are women and they should know women code. Unfortunately a lot of women have no idea about women code. If I were you I’d text her back and say ‘ hi x my husbands a bit busy at the moment so has asked me to respond to your text blah blah’
personally my husband would not like to be ‘one of the girls’ and would probably direct them to me anyway.

AbreathofFrenchair · 27/05/2023 23:07

ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 22:59

@AbreathofFrenchair I haven't asked them, would be scared in case I came across weird/insecure (which I clearly am). I guess it's probably a mixture of them knowing him first and him being really nice.

I will.be glad when DC can arrange their own socialising.

Don't sweat it, everyone is weird and insecure over something. Much better to recognise it than deny it!

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 22:59

@AbreathofFrenchair I haven't asked them, would be scared in case I came across weird/insecure (which I clearly am). I guess it's probably a mixture of them knowing him first and him being really nice.

I will.be glad when DC can arrange their own socialising.

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RedHelenB · 27/05/2023 22:56

SmurfHaribos · 27/05/2023 18:02

Well done to the mums - they aren’t automatically assuming it’s the mum always sorting the children’s activities.
YABU.

This. He's carrying the mental load so I'd let him get on with it.

StarDolphins · 27/05/2023 22:51

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/05/2023 19:10

Good for you OP. Although just FYI it's more fun if you call everyone twats and fight on here 

As for @StarDolphins I mainly text the mum (even if they do 50/50. There’s only 1 dad that does most at DD’s school so I text him (but if his wife turned up, I would text her) please don't. Why should I do all the work? If you want to talk about play dates please text DH, I can't be arsed.

Show quote history

Got you, I would rather not too but I just think the mums are more sharp & on the ball (ime). The Dads are to much ‘umm, dunno’ & I don’t have time in my life for the middleman so generally go straight to the top!

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 22:51

@MrsTerryPratchett thanks that's interesting. Not sure I fall into either category of the mums as I actually want to be involved with everybody. Good choice about the judgey mum, nobody needs that in their life!

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