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AIBU?

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Original poster

School mums messaging DH

185 replies

ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 17:57

Hi Everybody,

Sorry this is long, it's driving me crazy and making me upset.
DC started a new nursery last year, I work full time, mainly with US so at the beginning was not able to do much of the drop offs or pick ups. Naturally it was DH that got to know the other mums/parents through him doing most drop offs/pick ups.

I had another DC a few months ago so have had a chance to start meeting other mums/parents doing drop offs and attending birthday parties etc. Some of whom I've met up with separately for coffees and playdates. A couple of these mums still text my husband directly to arrange playdates and ask about other things (incidents or news from the nursery) despite me pretty much establishing a good relationship with them (although not particularly close, strictly DC related but actually closer than what my DH would be).

For example, one mother I was texting yesterday about a playdate with her DC(for next week) randomly texts my husband today saying 'hey, some of us are going to the park so the kids can practice bike riding today. Does your DC fancy coming too?' I am pretty annoyed by this. To me this looks like an invitation to DH and DC only. Last month the same woman texted my husband after pick up (which I did, so we were chatting and catching up while there) to ask about an incident that happened with a group of children that day (nothing major just wanted to know our sons take on it) I found this odd since I literally saw her an hour before. A few other mums text my DH too, things like 'thanks so much for the birthday present for X' when I was the one who went to the party with my DC and brought the damn present. Or separate WhatsApp groups regarding parties (there is a main one for all parents which I'm in), I never get added to these just DH despite BOTH parents of other kids being added.

These things are starting to really bother me now. Especially from this particular mother ( re bike riding), all invitations seem to go directly to my husband. He is just as baffled by this (and other incidents) as me and always tells me when she texts because he thinks I should know even if it bothers me which I'm glad he does.

I have been really angry about the recent text and am planning to just blank this and the other mothers that do this as it's just fucking rude and ignorant. I don't text their husbands separately and highly doubt they do that to others. FWIW I don't have issues socialising with anybody.

So...

YANBU - Fuck them all, completely blank them and let DH do all playdates/parties, they clearly want that.

YABU - it's completely normal behaviour to be left out by other mothers in favour of DH

OP posts:
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BigFatLiar · 07/05/2024 15:07

We had the opposite. DH was the main carer, did most drop offs and pickups. Still they'd contact me even though they had his details. Even the nursery and school did it. I was seldom home as I worked awayba lot hence him being the one to contact. I'd end up having to call him to tell him what was up.

This was of course nearly 30 years ago so attitudes were a bit different.

BigFatLiar · 07/05/2024 15:03

missmollygreen · 27/05/2023 18:09

I can't articulate why this post annoys me so much.... but it really does!

Show quote history

Suggests he's not allowed to make decisions without her say so.

Coffeegincarbs · 07/05/2024 14:37

We got this when DC started as I worked ft and DH did the school runs as he worked odd hours (and was crap at updating our family calendar). Any time they message him he should forward it to you to respond. They'll soon get the message.

Admu · 07/05/2024 14:13

i had kind similar situation....
One playdate was set up and the school mum got the both number ( mine and my DH), although i am the one to dorp and pick up the little one, and get pass to that school mum every day.
She only met my DH once but she always text him to arrange playdates ou invites to birthday parties even though i am the default parenta as i am unemployed and my husband works 12h/day... she still text him and not me.
and she doesnt even say hi on dros an pick ups...

its annoying and confusing for my side.
i start wondering whta kind of mental health this lady as...

mfbx5sf3 · 30/10/2023 07:06

I often text DS friends dads rather than the mums
who I also know. It stems from them being the initial point of contact when we first met/ started arranging play dates. I think you’re being ridiculous.

Admu · 30/10/2023 07:00

I had kind of similar situation... But I has the one who made the school run... A specific school mum only saw my husband once....

I was the default parent and she has both numbers but only text husband for playdates and get together and not me...

On school runs ignored me...

Wasn't jealous or out of spite... And I am aware that u are free to dislike people with or without reason.

To be honest her kid was not the polite and it was kind of bully... And my kid start not to been keen on that friendship anymore... Fall out and in all the time...

But when it comes for arrange playdates ( which I am not keen on it).... She always text my husband not me... Even though I am the one she met first....

Original poster
ToughToffee · 05/06/2023 10:52

@bloomsbry thanks, the majority of them do refer to him by name, even if not I'm fairly certain they do know it's him as they got his number from the main WhatsApp group with his pic and name showing.

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bloomsbry · 04/06/2023 22:57

@ToughToffee do they actually refer to your DH by name in the texts? If not, they may think they're texting you - some people just label phone numbers with the child's name, rather than the parent's (bonkers, I know, but it happens, and might be the explanation you're after).

Spiderboy · 28/05/2023 22:57

ToughToffee · 28/05/2023 22:37

@Spiderboy yes the 'incident' and message were pretty much as you describe and it involved both her and our DC but she seemed to tell DH all the details (there was a lot of detail from her end) was weird as she never mentioned to me.

Her and DH happen to be very chatty over WhatsApp, I would say he actually chats to her more over message than me in person -although all nursary/children related.

Oooo that was as exciting as I could imagine nursery incidents get, so it’s interesting to hear I wasn’t far off 😂

yeah actually I can’t imagine forgetting to mention that to anyone I might chat to at nursery to be fair, it does seem a bit much if they talk THAT much

Original poster
ToughToffee · 28/05/2023 22:37

@Spiderboy yes the 'incident' and message were pretty much as you describe and it involved both her and our DC but she seemed to tell DH all the details (there was a lot of detail from her end) was weird as she never mentioned to me.

Her and DH happen to be very chatty over WhatsApp, I would say he actually chats to her more over message than me in person -although all nursary/children related.

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Spiderboy · 28/05/2023 18:22

I am actually really baffled by this

Last month the same woman texted my husband after pick up (which I did, so we were chatting and catching up while there) to ask about an incident that happened with a group of children that day (nothing major just wanted to know our sons take on it)

😂 what kind of incident?? “Oh dear, did you hear mason bit Olivia AND Lucas today! I wonder how the nursery will act, he’s been trouble for a while. What did your DC see?”

these are nursery child, yes?? 😁

I don’t think I’ve ever felt the need to ask anyone about an “incident” at nursery, what is it that is happening so frequently that you are concerned about who is being messaged

LolaSmiles · 28/05/2023 14:20

. I just think as others say burning bridges now would not help DH (who seems to get along with all the cliques and there are quite a few!)
Are they actually cliques or are they parents who happen to talk to each other regarding their children?

If your DH gets on with a lot of parents across a range of friendship groups, that doesn't sound like cliques to me. It sounds like parents having bog-standard parent interactions, some small talk in passing with some contact about children, and some more like friends.

Is there a chance that your own frustration are leading you to view parent to parent interactions as cliques because you feel irritated that you're not as involved?

Original poster
ToughToffee · 28/05/2023 13:31

@Backtothegym I don't want him to be dumped by anybody, being excluded from the messages did bug me, what was stopping them from adding me to the group? That way DH or I could respond depending on availability. This nursery mum communication stuff is all new territory for me. Do u seriously think I want DH to be treated like crap? I don't. I just felt a bit insecure and unliked within the group due to most messages going to him.

OP posts:
Backtothegym · 28/05/2023 12:45

ToughToffee · 28/05/2023 12:20

@Backtothegym I'm not saying I'm more important I'd like to be just as important in their eyes when it comes to our DC that's all. * *

That’s not true is it. Think about it. You’re pissed at every message. You want them to dump him and only liase with him if you’re not available. And that’s shitty. Just own it.

Original poster
ToughToffee · 28/05/2023 12:29

@ReliantRobyn do you live in a Dickens novel?

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Original poster
ToughToffee · 28/05/2023 12:22

@Codlingmoths thank you, that is exactly how I was feeling/interpreting things.

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Original poster
ToughToffee · 28/05/2023 12:20

@Backtothegym I'm not saying I'm more important I'd like to be just as important in their eyes when it comes to our DC that's all. * *

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 28/05/2023 10:32

Backtothegym · 28/05/2023 10:26

Not gonna lie, it will probably still bug me a bit especially when I've just seen her and she messages DH

that’s so selfish and self absorbed though, why do you feel you’re more important than your husband and they should dump him for you, so what if you’d just seen her.

are you usually so self grandiose?

Oh for gods sake. I hope one day you and your partner are in a conversion with another mum and you say something like how about a play date with your little darling this week and she turns to your dh and says a play date would be lovely, and you say to her Wednesday or Thursday would suit, mine or yours? And she turns to your dh and says ours is fine unless you’d prefer to have us come over? Etc etc. that particular example you are having a go at is the only point where the op is being reasonable to be miffed!!

Backtothegym · 28/05/2023 10:26

Not gonna lie, it will probably still bug me a bit especially when I've just seen her and she messages DH

that’s so selfish and self absorbed though, why do you feel you’re more important than your husband and they should dump him for you, so what if you’d just seen her.

are you usually so self grandiose?

OrwellianTimes · 28/05/2023 10:19

Sounds fine, pretty refreshing tbh. It’s so unbelievably frustrating when school mums won’t let their kids out for group playdates because etc it’s their husbands days to care for the kids. Like kids can only socialise if the mother is there. So strange.

Original poster
ToughToffee · 28/05/2023 08:21

Just want to say thanks again for all the responses (sorry if I haven't managed to message you individually). I would have massively screwed things up for DH, DC and myself without your input.

You are right I should appreciate DH and these women for accepting him and get off the high horse.

Thanks for all your examples showing how normal this is and that it's not personal.

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Original poster
ToughToffee · 28/05/2023 08:12

@Marmalady75 thanks that makes sense.

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surreygirl1987 · 28/05/2023 08:07

Well done to the mums - they aren’t automatically assuming it’s the mum always sorting the children’s activities.
YABU.

Exactly

Original poster
ToughToffee · 28/05/2023 08:02

@Ellie450 the messages were completely platonic and jokes about our DC, things along the lines of ' not looking forward to dinner tonight, X wouldn't eat last night, we should just serve ice cream' but I wouldn't really have those types of whatsapps with them. I think they just know each other better and maybe they find it easier to get along with him.

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Marmalady75 · 28/05/2023 07:54

In ds’s class about a third of the dads are in the whatsapp group. I chat to the mums at pick up/drop off, but because it’s the dads in the group, it’s the dads I would message. Nothing sinister or romantic, I don’t have the numbers saved to my phone, so I would go in to the group chat, click on the bit to see the members and then pick the parent I wanted to message individually.