To not let other people feed my FF baby?

I’m surprised by all the mean responses.

I’ve never understood why people think feeding someone else’s FF baby is something they should get a ‘turn’ at. I also get that feeding is a really peaceful nice experience and you may be feeling disappointment/guilt about BFing (not suggesting you should feel that way but it is common to feel that way). And your MIL’s comments have made you feel worse.

And as for helping with housework I don’t think you’re unreasonable, if I had a DIL (or for that matter a friend or neighbour) with a newborn and I went to stay with her I’d be bending over backwards to help with housework. It’s what you do isn’t it?!

Ignoring the fact that your MIL is judgy and unhelpful in other respects, it's biologically normal to want to feed your own baby! It's recommended that you limit the number of people who feed baby anyway, to promote bonding with the primary caregivers (you and your partner).

If you struggled with bf and your baby has latch issues, have you had a formal tongue tie review by a trained infant feeding specialist (not just a midwife)?

Also, what are the chances anyone else is pace feeding the bottle properly, to avoid wind/colic symptoms, especially in a baby with latch issues? If her poor bottle feeding technique leads to trapped wind and baby crying for hours, that's far less helpful than just doing nothing at all!

I think 90% of the comments on this thread are incredibly rude.

It is the OPs baby and naturally/evolutionarily they would do all the feeding so why should the assumption be that just because she struggled to BF, suddenly everyone else has a right to feed her baby.

I’ve recently had my first baby and whenever my parents come round they are folding the washing, unloading the dishwasher, making cups of tea, tidying, painting the playroom etc. Whereas my MIL just sits and cuddles the baby which is lovely but it’s not helpful in the same way. Fortunately I’m able to exclusively breastfeed my LO but we are trying to teach him to take expressed milk from a bottle (for the odd occasion I need to leave him for a few hours) and I’ll be honest I’ve restricted that to baby’s father and my own mum for now. Mainly because my LO is very unsure and we’ve only managed to bottle feed him twice successfully, plus I don’t think my MIL will listen to instruction to pace feed and I don’t want her ruining my BFing journey.

This is def future cringe material. Also poor DH. He's glared at because he is clumsy and his mum is not allowed to feed the baby and is in trouble for not taking the bins out. Oh dear.

Only 9 weeks old? I get it. You are still bonding and feeding is a lovely bonding time while they snuggle up to you. It's a lovely peaceful moment with a contented baby.

If your MIL gave you grief about not breastfeeding I also get why you are being firm with this.

It's just as much your dh's baby as yours, so what does he say?
I think you have unresolved guilt at not bf??

Even after reading everything else, this still resonates.

If all this 'baby led' , often at the expense of the mother and/or family relationships, stuff was so good surely we wouldn't have so many anxious, unhappy children who lack the ability and confidence to deal with normal childhood situations? Needing to be with the baby/child 24/7 to the exclusion of 'life' isn't the flex people think it is. It really doesn't seem to be benefitting them in the long run 🤷‍♀️

Why are some people so obsessed with feeding someone else’s baby? There’s much more they could be doing to ‘help’.
You are following your mothering instincts by wanting to feed your baby without interference from others.
Whether it’s formula, or breast, feeding your baby is more than nutrition. It’s precious bonding time. Your baby needs to bond with you, not your mother in law.
Smile and nod your head when they start and do what you think is best for your baby.

Firstly congratulations! You brought a little life into this world and are navigating a whole new world. It does get much easier after the newborn phase and once they can sit and move etc. I hope you’re ok.

no you’re not being unreasonable. you can feed your baby anyway you like that makes you comfortable. You need to look after yourself in whatever way you need to in the newborn period. like you say if you were bf you would have been the only one. You could easily say you are trying to recreate the same situation as if you were breastfeeding?

Regarding people coming and seeing you and not helping out: this isn’t acceptable. If your partner is at work and your guests aren’t doing things after you’ve had a cesarean then they’re not considerate people. although you and I have had babies recently and the majority of people on here probably haven’t and so they don’t remember. You really do forget the awfulness.

Really bizarre and controlling. Very PFB behaviour - You’ll cringe about this in the future!

A bit odd… BUT it’s your baby and so your rules

I think OP is right to feel that way. I didn’t let anyone bottle feed my babies apart from my partner or my mum (as I lived with her when both babies were born for a short while)

I agree if you was breastfeeding MIL couldn’t bottle feed her, so what is the difference! It is YOUR bonding time. You are feeling normal emotions and my midwife actually said it’s better for only 2 or 3 people to bottle feed the baby!! Xx

Odd. My kids seem to be the same age as yours, and neither I nor any of my mum friends were precious about this kind of thing. To be fair most of us breast fed, but our babies got passed around doting family members whenever they visited.
I didn't find it threatening to my bond with my babies. I found it reassuring to know that they had a clan around who loved and would protect them. That connection is important too. I don’t think it’s “precious” to want to be the one that feeds your baby, but if you bf you get to have that anyway. I didn’t say we didn’t hold and play with each others babies I said we didn’t pass then round for others to bottle feed. It isn’t threatening to me to have other people hold my children I just don’t think they need to bottle feed tiny babies. It’s a bizarre idea to me that anyone would think less of you for that let alone be calling you “precious” or implying you are weirdly threatened by people holding your child.
Luckily we can all raise our children how we see fit and there is no rule that if you can’t bf you have to behave in the way you prescribe.

All these babies who are not allowed to be fed by anyone but their mum and then the other day a thread where mums were saying their kids were (in some cases) 2 years old and they'd never been away from them.

What happens when you have to hand them to a childminder or nursery for 8 hours so you can go to work?

What if the all seeing, all knowing HV were to say it's not good for the baby?

I just used to shove mine and the bottle into the nearest visitors arms while I sat with my feet up with a cuppa.
I loved visitors 👍

Odd. My kids seem to be the same age as yours, and neither I nor any of my mum friends were precious about this kind of thing. To be fair most of us breast fed, but our babies got passed around doting family members whenever they visited.
I didn't find it threatening to my bond with my babies. I found it reassuring to know that they had a clan around who loved and would protect them. That connection is important too.

It doesn't surprise me. Especially with all this talk about the ''4th trimester''.

I feel like a lot of advice these days could be a recipe for PPD and a strained marriage.

I know in the US there is a big movement to bond by isolating no visitors for 3 months

I hope that's a joke because it sounds batshit crazy! I was just as enamored of my baby as any other first time mother, but I would have gone nuts not having visitors for three months.

Sounds like a recipe for postpartum depression and a strained marriage. Who thinks up this crazy crap?!

You're not being unreasonable or selfish at all about the feeding OP. Baby can be passed around for cuddles and playtime just fine without having to share a bottle. I understand how particular you can feel about feeding issues if you go through them, it's weird to me that you're getting such a hard time about it here. No one is entitled to feed your baby apart from you and the baby's dad.

Re. making tea and bins and so on... Are you getting enough support from your partner with household tasks, or do you maybe need to lower your standards a little? By 9 weeks I would expect visits to be mostly baby visits than practical help visits. But if you already feel overwhelmed then the thought of having to host and then clean up behind guests on top of everything else can be really frustrating. I remember rushing in a panic everytime to tidy up the place before people came and then being left doing all the dishes and vacuuming afterwards (OH was fine with mess but I wasn't). My dad also brought the dog round and let it poo in my garden and didn't pick it up 🤣 At the time it was all so maddening it used to make me really angry and resentful. But I've since adjusted mentally to a new normal where things might not get done that day, and that's fine. Looking after a newborn is so time consuming and exhausting so cut yourself some slack! (And, maybe, cut your visitors some slack too!)

All the best xx

Seems like it in some cases.

I think it would be nice to let them do the occasional feed. It's a joyful thing to do and any grandparent would love to do it. Let them do it periodically and go and have a bath or use the opportunity to do something relaxing. As for not taking the bins our or making tea. they have probably sensed the hostility and don't want to suggest anything like this for fear that it looks like they are in some way undermining you. They sound keen to get involved so just say 'MIL, I'd love if you could feed your GC and FIL, it would be such a big help if you empty the dishwasher and I'm going to go and have a bath'. You're making it into a massive deal.

@jannier so different families work in different way and both ways of raising children have been used since formula became readily available. It’s not a new idea from America.

Was dad's job done at conception?

My children do have their own and my niece is almost old enough to be my sister everyone I've known has let family take active roles in feeding and changing so it's not an age thing. I know in the US there is a big movement to bond by isolating no visitors for 3 months

For the first few weeks for bonding reasons I formula fed baby myself as was combi feeding. He is 4 months now and I am still combi feeding and let anyone else who wants to, give him the bottle.