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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let other people feed my FF baby?

461 replies

Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 17:21

MIL especially is always angling to do it under the guise of being helpful when but not helpful like change a nappy, make a cup of tea or take out rubbish etc.

If I had been able to breastfeed, then it would always be me and I really love doing it.

OP posts:
Sandylanes69 · 23/05/2023 19:59

Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 19:55

@Sandylanes69 im not sabotaging their relationship because I’d rather feed my own baby. I am letting them stay multiple times while I’m recovering, the first time I was 10 days post c section in order for them to meet and get to know my baby. I’d rather just do the feeding.

You're inventing reasons for gatekeeping their relationship.

PainAuChocowhat · 23/05/2023 19:59

DingsBum · 23/05/2023 18:23

Well... biologically speaking that's completely normal. We are a "carry species" - our babies are meant to go everywhere with us at first! I get that this doesn't translate well into modern society but it is biological fact even if we find it inconvenient.

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There’s a book called “Mothers and Others” which argues that modern humans could never have evolved if mothers had been required to raise their offspring on their own. I think anthropologists now accept the importance not just of parents but also of “alloparents” such as grandmothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, and older siblings in early human societies.

Billyho · 23/05/2023 19:58

Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 19:51

@Sandylanes69 really? Why? It’s my child. Grandparents aren’t entitled to their grandchildren if they aren’t nice to their parents.

The child is also your DHs, it’s not yours exclusively!

user1472831787898799 · 23/05/2023 19:57

Ultimately it's up to you, but one bottle in the grand scheme of things is nothing.
My midwife also told me only to let me and DH feed DD to start with which I just politely nodded and agreed to. By this point numerous visitors had fed her and my Mum had given her about half of her bottles as she loved doing it. In fact she gave her the very first bottle in hospital!
I thought it was lovely that people wanted to give her bottles and when she was having 8 a day, I really wasn't missing out on that experience! Yes she was my baby, but she was something to other family members too, and I saw it as the more people that cared for her the better.

pictoosh · 23/05/2023 19:56

As much as I agree the OP is being selfish, she's hardly 'sabotaging' the relationship with the grandparents. Don't be so dramatic.

Redebs · 23/05/2023 19:56

I get it completely OP. Feeding your baby is such a personal and intimate experience, even if it's a bottle. Good on you for keeping it special between you. Your mother-in-law should be pleased that you have such strong maternal feelings.

JudgeJ · 23/05/2023 19:56

Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 18:50

@WheelsUp 9 weeks and in laws are on their second visit. It’s different as we live a 5 hour drive so they stay with us, it’s very intense and creates more work. My parents also stay but are self aware and really want to make my life easier.

DH can of course but even then I don’t like it. Our baby struggles to latch and it’s frustrating watching people clumsily shove the bottle in their mouth.

I always have a quiet laugh on threads like this at how her in-laws are evil and his in-laws are marvelous, I'd love to know the reality.

Original poster
Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 19:55

@Sandylanes69 im not sabotaging their relationship because I’d rather feed my own baby. I am letting them stay multiple times while I’m recovering, the first time I was 10 days post c section in order for them to meet and get to know my baby. I’d rather just do the feeding.

OP posts:
Original poster
Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 19:54

@Sceptre86 no but if I was self invited staying with someone after they’d had major surgery then yes, I would help with the not so fun chores

OP posts:
Sandylanes69 · 23/05/2023 19:54

Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 19:51

@Sandylanes69 really? Why? It’s my child. Grandparents aren’t entitled to their grandchildren if they aren’t nice to their parents.

It's selfish and horrible to sabotage your child's relationship with her grandparents.

JudgeJ · 23/05/2023 19:53

MyTruthIsOut · 23/05/2023 18:37

I get on really well with them actually.

Sadly, they don’t give a shit about my children as I breast fed them.

I genuinely feel really bad for all the breast fed babies who have grandparents who don’t love them because of it.

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I'm hoping you're being facetious but just in case you're really serious with that comment both our two were breastfed and still managed to create a wonderful relationship with their grandparents!

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 23/05/2023 19:53

She isn't gatekeeping?! She's already allowed them to come and stay in her home!

Fucking hell this thread is BATSHIT

Op take no notice.

casualreader2022 · 23/05/2023 19:53

Not weird at all. I bf so there was no choice in the matter, but if baby was ff, I'd still want to be able to do that myself. Your their mum. They've had their babies... They can be Grandparents and can have hugs and all the new squishy stuff but the actual caring and choices for your child is up to you. A lot of people on here obviously feel otherwise... Fair enough. But it's what's right for you.

bussteward · 23/05/2023 19:52

Sandylanes69 · 23/05/2023 19:49

You sound massively selfish tbh.

You know we’re discussing the OP’s baby and not a dolly or a bag of sweeties, right? She doesn’t have to share so everyone gets the exact same amount of turns. MIL isn’t five: she’ll cope with not feeding OP’s baby. Once again: a baby, a human, not a toy OP can hog.

Sceptre86 · 23/05/2023 19:52

Its a really daft mumsnet expectation that people who visit baby should cater to you, they shouldn't make extra work for you. Its nice of her to offer of course but shouldn't be expected. My mum when she visits will pull out the hoover, my mil never would. One woman feels at home at my house and knows I won't mind,the other feels she needs to respect my boundaries (in reality I wouldn't mind but I don't expect it of her). It's unfair to hold your mil to your mum's standards. Have you ever gone over to hers and made cups of tea or run a hoover around? If the answer is no then you know yabu.

As for feeding your child, that is up to you. Other people doing if means you can eat or drink in peace, take a nap. In the long run id say it os helpful however its a lovely bonding time too.It's up to you and however you feel about it is valid. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Sandylanes69 · 23/05/2023 19:51

PercyPigInAWig · 23/05/2023 19:40

The thing is the baby is not a toy, you don't need to share.

I breastfed, at the start I expressed a few bottles but then decided I didn't want others to do feeds so I didn't bother.
If I'd formula fed and wanted to do the feeds myself I don't see the issue, except with the baby's dad.

Show quote history

The baby is a person who has a right to a close and loving relationship with her extended family. Gatekeeping that is incredibly selfish. Parents don't own their children.

Original poster
Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 19:51

@Sandylanes69 really? Why? It’s my child. Grandparents aren’t entitled to their grandchildren if they aren’t nice to their parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 19:50

@Billyho they will never offer, they live far away and even if one of us were to move, they wouldn’t want to. They don’t with any of the GC who live close

OP posts:
Sandylanes69 · 23/05/2023 19:50

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 23/05/2023 19:44

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts

How would you feel if you weren't allowed to feed your future grandchild?

Why on earth would it bother me if my future daughter (unborn baby could be a girl don't know yet) or daughter in law to my son didn't want me to give their baby a bottle?
Do you want to know how I would feel? I would feel respect for their wishes it's as simple as that.

And yes I would offer to take the bins out.

Yawn. Come back when you're a grandparent.

Sandylanes69 · 23/05/2023 19:49

You sound massively selfish tbh.

Billyho · 23/05/2023 19:49

Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 19:46

@Sissynova there will never be any childcare anyway so I’m not worried about that.

Never be any childcare? You’re never going to go out or you’ll never let your PIL babysit?

Original poster
Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 19:46

@Sissynova there will never be any childcare anyway so I’m not worried about that.

OP posts:
PinkButtercups · 23/05/2023 19:46

ZekeZeke · 23/05/2023 19:45

PFB Syndrome

Oh how original 🥱.

A new mother wants to set boundaries and you scream PFB. Tedious.

ZekeZeke · 23/05/2023 19:45

PFB Syndrome

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 23/05/2023 19:44

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts

How would you feel if you weren't allowed to feed your future grandchild?

Why on earth would it bother me if my future daughter (unborn baby could be a girl don't know yet) or daughter in law to my son didn't want me to give their baby a bottle?
Do you want to know how I would feel? I would feel respect for their wishes it's as simple as that.

And yes I would offer to take the bins out.