So this thing where people don't read or respond to messages, I tried it. AIBU that it seems like quite hard work to me?

me too, I also haven't saved everyone's numbers or even opened all the letters that come through the letter box. It's just a job that needs doing, replying to texts, even from friends. I'd much prefer a call, or even better- no contact at all.

You're bothered that she hasn't replied to you quick enough, you're assuming that means she doesn't care/doesn't know what real friendship is/ whatever nonsense you're assuming and you're trying to 'give her a taste of her own medicine'. It obviously isn't suiting you since you're obsessing over it to the point you're making a post on MN about how much 'hard work' it is not to reply.

All of this.

The "pretending you don't care" when you are blatantly annoyed that she hasn't replied, is transparent and painfully obvious.

I don't think you are fooling yourself on this, let alone anyone else.

😂😂😂

You really love passive aggression don't you OP?

Maybe that's why people aren't falling over themselves to be your friend?

I know what you mean. But that's because I'm also someone who looks at WA etc regularly and pretty much always just reply straight away and I find that easier. If I didn't reply immediately it would be on my mind and it would bother me.

But I guess some people just work differently and either don't see messages or find it easy to forget about them until they are ready to deal with messages. I think whichever group you naturally fall into, you will find the other way difficult!

I have teens! Why does that mean you have be glued to your phone?

I wish I didn't have to be glued to my phone but with teens it's not possible :(

But you're not giving it a go because you're getting distracted by the message.

I'm like your friends and don't reply to people for a while. This is normally because I am not glued to my phone (it's currently still in my work bag and I may not even get it out again until Monday), have notifications switched off and don't even notice they've sent a message for a week. If I'd seen you'd sent a message I would reply to it as soon as I had a chance.

Is this like the WhatsApp 2 tick avoidance thing? Or how to avoid showing you're online on WhatsApp? It hurts my brain just trying to work out how to do it! Certainly makes me judge people who have the time/energy/can be arsed etc to think they're soooooo important anyone cares!

I think some people forget friendship takes effort. If your friends are always messaging you, take some time and message them.

I don’t know what emails I get anymore - I know if it’s urgent I’ll also get a call or text about the issue. I got to the point of having 100,000 unread emails in my Hotmail inbox so I started a new email with google. God knows who emails me on hotmail they won’t have a response. For my Gmail I search for emails I’m expecting and search occasionally for the emails from my kids’ school if I want to know when the the next trip is on (most times I rely on the class WhatsApp group reminders).

Anyone who randomly emails me without letting me know on another medium (call or text) will join the thousands of unread emails and won’t get a response unfortunately.

But it’s not the same because she probably forgets to reply so it’s not hard work, whereas you’re remembering not to reply- there’s a huge difference.

People like her most probably have dozens of unread WhatsApp messages, several missed call notifications, hundreds other other phone app notifications, thousands of unread emails - so one more notification doesn’t really mean anything (and it becomes a cycle of missing things because there’s no real notification process). That’s certainly how I operate until I feel huge guilt and answer my week’s unread WhatsApp messages in one go.

I've got 7,000 unread email in my hotmail but that's just company nonsense not messages from people I know, Hotmail organises stuff I need to read from people I know separately when it comes in.

People with 5,000 unread emails surely aren't suggesting they've ignored 5,000 messages from friends and family are they?!

I get you, OP! I also read my messages when they come in. I am way too nosey just to leave them unopened. It doesn't mean I reply instantly, just that I read them. I also have no unread emails on either my work or home addresses. I guess people are just different that way.

I don't understand why people who ignore messages continue to be bombarded by messages. How does that work?

Why do people you don't reply to keep messaging you incessantly? Gives me stalker vibes.

To be honest it’s more people I like and care about more who I spend longer to reply to. I want to wait till I have space and time to write a proper message rather than a perfunctory one.

I also find getting constant messages overwhelming sometimes – I honestly find it difficult to keep up, about 10 years ago I would be chatting on fb messenger all day, I just don’t know how I did it.

I find the requirement to always be available responding to messages quite stressful now. Definitely the pandemic has an an impact. I just switched off from being connected to people a bit.

And also end up feeling guilty and anxious about ones I haven’t replied to straight away, and to be honest I then feel even more like I need to be in the right headspace to sit down and write a proper reply which then includes an apology/explanation for the delay.

I‘ve actually considered seeking out CBT or something for it as the anxiety I feel around keeping up with messaging is a bit disproportionate. If I don’t reply quickly it’s not apathy, but more likely stress and guilt that I didn’t reply immediately and wanting to give it my proper attention but feeling overwhelmed with that and the million other things I have to do.

Aggh I honestly find it all hard work, and it is not a reflection of the people who write, more just the tyranny of smartphones and constant messaging.

Doesn’t annoy me as I’ve turned all my notifications off as was getting fed up with constant messages. Maybe your friend has done the same?

This. Ive always got unread messages. I scrolled down the other day and realised I had a few totally unread messages that I had no idea about.

Hadn't seen this ^^. Beat you! :)

AIBU that keeping people hanging like this is annoying and actually harder work over the long term than just opening the damn thing and sending a reply?

It's annoying to you, not annoying to me.

But I have 5,409 unread emails in my Inbox.

why don't you turn off your "last seen" and "online" status in the WhatsApp settings then you can read messages and no one will know (unless it's a Group Chat where you can't turn them off).

Nope it definitely doesn’t annoy me. I don’t even notice.

I have 5,053 unread emails, 9 unread texts, 23 voice messages and 6 unread WhatsApp’s. It doesn’t cause me any stress. I’m not actively avoiding them. I know roughly what is in there and what is urgent and not urgent.

If you are finding it stressful not reading and dealing with her message then it’s not the approach for you. We all have different relationships with our phones, and different reasons for how we manage our lives. Do what works for you. If you don’t like how she manages it for herself, cool the friendship.