So this thing where people don't read or respond to messages, I tried it. AIBU that it seems like quite hard work to me?

The bit about being too busy, driving, etc is actually not a relevant answer. Everybody is sometimes too busy, including the OP! The answer is quite simple. You're either one of those people who can stand there being lots of little red dots everywhere (, other unprocessed notifications, etc), or you're not. I'm with the OP on this - and sometimes wish I was more like other people who see an 8,000 unread email count somewhere, shrug and say "so what?". Being a bit OCD I can't stand the untidiness and I feel I've let myself down if I'm not on top of things. Clearly a lot of people aren't wired that way, and in some ways they are the lucky ones, because unlike me they don't get stressed about it. You can't change the way you're wired. But please don't insult me by trying to argue that you are always too busy doing something more important than I ever do and but for that you'd respond in a timely manner.

I mute most chats and just look when I want. I don't like being nagged all the time. It's too much interruption.

I don't have my phone on me when I'm at home. I leave it in the hall with my keys. There's just too much going on on phones and I feel stressed out by the relentlessness of them. I know a few other people who have got to this point as well.

I work full time in a setting where I can't have my personal phone on me and can only check it on breaks.
Even at home I sometimes leave it somewhere for a few hours and forget about it. I don't check my phone when I am exercising or having a bath or doing the hoovering. I don't check my phone when I am meeting up 1:1 with a friend or eating out in a restaurant as I consider that to be rude. Basically there is quite a lot of time when I am not available to take messages.
I am sure this does apply to quite a few people who don't just have their phone glued to them 24-7 to respond instantly to messages
I probably treat them like an email that I respond to in due course.

Don't you just open the message read it and then not reply? That sorts the annoying dot problem

I am afraid I often do that. Then sometimes I forget to reply altogether. Other people do it to me to and I don't care.

I didn't grow up with WhatsApp or even messaging so I think I have just not entirely got with the picture about using it. I use it but don't understand the full functionality. I have no idea how to tell if someone has read my message or whether they have been/ are online which means I don't stress about the fact they may not have replied. I usually forget about it myself pretty quickly rather than worrying if I've had a reply or not.

This shouldn’t be about you punishing your friend or trying to act like her - it’s about you doing what works for you when it comes to texting etc.

if you like to read and reply on the same day that’s great, you should do it. You shouldn’t take offence if other people don’t. This expectation of constant availability is a new phenomenon and lots of people prefer not to be reactive to messages. It’s not rude, it’s a personal preference.

If the wider issue is your friend‘s flakiness and you think she doesn’t make enough effort, it’s fine for you to step back from the friendship.

You seen to have had some very harsh responses. I just want to say I get it.

Put her message in archive and then you don't get the red dot unless you open WhatsApp.

I'm the same as you, so based on what others have said, we don't have good friends, but I don't believe that I think people are just different ❤️

I can understand that some people get overwhelmed by messages or feel that their relationship with the messenger is strong enough that it will survive waiting 7 days for a reply (or not replying at all).

But I find it hard not to want to reassure the messenger that they have my goodwill as I understand that some people might feel lonely or down or whatever. So I don’t delay replying.

This

@EbonyRaven

Agreed: it's not worth getting het up about this.

I do think, though, that there's a massive difference between a teenager or young adult/student responding (or not) to a parent and two mature friends.

Routinely not being bothered to respond to a close friend because you CBA is just disrespectful and I would eventually drop someone who made a point of doing this. I think the "I'm so busy and find social media/mobile contact overwhelming and it triggers my anxiety" stuff is pretty lame.

It's fine to not reply immediately or to just say "sorry really busy will reply soon" but not replying at all is really shit. I don't really see any excuse for that tbh.

If I'm not able to answer immediately after I've read a message, then I often forget.

@Thepeopleversuswork · Yesterday 15:59

I know what the OP means though. I frequently ignore or mute groups chats or advertisements. And I wouldn’t ever feel I had to reply immediately.

But I do think when good friends routinely don’t reply to contact it’s pretty lame and rude. If someone you know well messages you with some sort of call to action and you just leave it - it’s a bit of a fuck you.

I have an old friend who is really notorious at not bothering to reply to messages even things to do with plans etc. When she gets called on it she will be all “you know me I’m flaky”.

But it’s a deliberate act isn’t it? To refuse to bother to do something that takes under 30 seconds to reassure a friend. It’s one thing occasionally but all the time is just rude.

I agree with this 100%, And I totally hear you @canyouimaginethis

I do agree with all the posters though, who are saying they're not putting any really hard work into deliberately not opening messages. Some people just have dozens and dozens of messages a week (whatsapp/texts/tweets/facebook messages etc,) and CBA to respond to most. Some people have much less, but still CBA.

Some people are busy. Some people just really can't be bothered to answer most messages. I think that they will answer the messages from people that are most important to them, but it doesn't mean they don't like you, just you are not in the top tier of people in their life.

You will find young adult children, late teens, etc often not answering messages to parents. And not clicking the notification so it looks unread. Because they are just like that! CBA to speak to parents most of the time unless it suits them and they want something!!! Also, it is not hard work to just not click on that person's name. It's quite easy to not respond, and make the message look unread!

I've got a good friend who goes back 40 years since we were kids. We exchange gifts on birthdays and Christmas, and I have lovely meetings with her (coffee/pub lunch etc) once every six weeks or so. She's a really nice person. She is quite busy, works about 40 hours a week and has four adult children - two who still live at home.

I think I can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of times that she's contacted me to meet up in the last 25 years. It's almost always me. I'd say 19 times out of every 20. I actually sent her a message three days ago saying 'do you wanna meet up soon cause we haven't seen each other for 7 weeks.' Radio silence so far.

I almost always have to send a second - and sometimes a third message before she responds, which annoys me a bit. I will send a second one after 3 or 4 DAYS not a few hours..., The last time (in March,) I only sent the one message and refused to send another one. She left me hanging, and responded SIX days later. No apology for late response or anything.

This time I'm only sending one message again. I'm not going to keep continually chasing after her. I'm busy as well. I have a life. I have a job. I have children. I have a husband. I have hobbies. Her life doesn't trump mine. Her 'busyness' doesn't trump mine. And I do get a bit pissed off sometimes that she rarely contacts me first. But it isn't enough of an issue of issue for me to ditch her.

My adult daughter, (early 20s - left home 2-3 years ago,) is an absolute nightmare for not responding to my messages. I can send a message, and 3 out of 4 times she won't respond until I send another message (which I will the next day.) Sometimes it's a further two days later before she responds. Don't ask me how I know, but I reckon she messages her friends back much quicker!

I remember reading something a while back that something like 80% of phone calls and messages that come from mum are seen but ignored. (And WhatsApp messages and texts are ignored for days sometimes... before responding.') So rude IMO. Very frustrating when you're a person who messages back straight away. But people are different, we're all different. So yes, it niggles me, but I do try to not let it get to me.

Maybe just try and be more chill about it. And return the 'favour...' Don't respond for ages... If at all! Make people message you again! Hard to do - I know!

At the end of the day, I do feel it's really not that hard to spend a few seconds quickly responding to a message, and no-one is 'too busy....'

I don't do Whatsapp, (or FB, or loads of other things), but I'm guilty of (inadvertently) ignoring texts for ages.

On my (ageing, android) phone, the new text notification goes away when I've read the most recent text, so I don't necessarily know there are earlier texts that I haven't read. Sometimes, I only find out that someone has texted me when I go to text them weeks later.

It's a bit annoying. I think I'll have to find a young person, and get them to look in the settings and see if it can be changed.

You can do this, but all messages will then be flagged up as having been 'read.' (I think.)

This is what I think. Most people have their phone with them/near them/on them all the time, so if you are quite important to them, why do they not message back in a timely manner? Like if not immediately, say, within an hour?

Some people are busy/at work, and maybe cannot answer for a few hours, but there's no excuse for not responding say in the evening... Like the OP, I don't get it.

Yes, it is hard work. We all have our own messaging style and if you're a get-it-off-my-desk kind of person, like me, then just reply right away or at your own speed.

The only time this doesn't apply is when you're dating; being a keen bean in the beginning might not be the best look.

In general (not on mumsnet) people have their phone on them most of the time and should be replying same day if they value you. Unless msg is read at an inconvenient time and then forgotten.

Get it off your desk! :)

Can't you just swipe the notifications away without opening? Or does it keep coming back? I'm usually pretty quick to reply

I will usually respond when I see something come in, but I won't always see it immediately. Sometimes I think, " oh, I'll just finish doing <whatever it is I happen to be doing> and then I can focus on the reply," and by the time I finish the thing, I've already managed to forget. Ans I have a couple of vontacts where it's not an easy relationship so I need to think about the reply.

And currently I have a former date waiting on a response as I'm trying to decide if I want to reply at all, as I suspect he wants sex rather than just friendship, but can't tell from, " how are you?" (I haven't opened the message, but I was looking at my phone when it came in, so saw a preview.) Such indecision with others in the past has led me to realise a month has passed, I still didn't reply and didn't notice it was so long, so I'm clearly not that bothered and there's no point replying now. Ghosting through apathy. I don't approve of ghosting, but I end up doing it by just prioritising other things (including MN), which includes times of not looking at my phone at all. I have now spent more time thinking about it than it deserves.

Some people I know (not me) have HUNDREDS notifications on messaging apps, emails, etc. - not everyone have this OCD where you have to make sure there are no notification circles anywhere. Also, believe it or not, there are people who get a lot of messages all the time, who are busy, and who have to prioritise. But yes, they would respond if they thought it was important. Flaky/ disinterested people are annoying; its up to you - ignore them or accept occasional joy of actually seeing them.

I would read the message that bothers you and not respond. I actually disabled blue ticks on Whatsapp and never looked back ))))

The same reason I mark emails as "unread" at work - it reminds me that I have action I need to take on that message when I have the capacity to do so. If I read it and left it marked as read and then didn't deal with it immediately for whatever reason, I'd likely forget I needed to.

You do you, let other people do them. I find this approach best.

I don't understand why you haven't read the message OP, then the notification thingy will disappear.
Who cares if you don't respond straight away. Unless you don't want your friend to know you have read it, which is weird.

Anyway, you seem to be massively overthinking this.

I’m a disgusting mix of ’i can’t stand that fuckin notification blob’ and ‘I’m too busy to reply right now’ so messages get opened and not replied to. I deffo don’t do it on purpose, I’m just very busy and I also lose my phone 500 times a day so sometimes hours go by and I haven’t even glanced at it.

messages liek ‘how you doing hun’ I just don’t really bother to reply to because it’s just people ‘keeping in touch’ and always ends with ok thank you? Yea good thanks. Pointless. We can still be friends without that rigamarole.

Some people just don’t manage their ‘correspondence’ well & are extremely disorganised. I met up with a friend today who can be very flaky about getting back to me. She brought out her phone to show me something and I noticed that she had 75 text notifications still to be dealt with.

I don't even open my post..

No, they’re not suggesting that. They’re responding to OP saying she can’t bear seeing the little red notification letting her know she’s got an unread message, and how she feels it’s more work to ignore it than read/respond. Several of us were saying one notification in a sea of them doesn’t take any effort to ignore at all. If it doesn’t bother you, it doesn’t bother you.