To be upset about my sister being given a house by my parents

So many people are missing the point.
Every child should have the same support given to them by parents. As a parent I can’t imagine giving to one child and nothing to the other.

OP I am in similar position, my sibling (who worked when they felt like it) was gifted a house and over the years a lot of money. Meanwhile there has been times I scraped by and could barely pay my rent then mortgage whilst working long hours as a nurse.

My parents should have given us both the same. This has caused so many fueds over the many many years this has been happening. Sadly I no longer see my DP. It wasn’t about the money, but how we have been treated completely differently.

Please sit down as a family and talk about this as no matter what you have you are should be given equal.

YANBU. DH's parents did this, bought his sister a house outright. We didn't know until she was about to move in and PIL casually dropped it into the conversation over dinner. They didn't ask DH how he felt about it, FIL just said "we knew you wouldn't mind because you're all sorted anyway" and changed the subject. At the time we'd owned our first house (a fixer upper in a slightly dodgy area) about 1 year, we had a 2 year old and we were both working long hours in order to afford the necessary renovations (which DH mostly did himself) on top of the mortgage payments. So yes, whilst in some respects we were "sorted", we were nowhere near the same level of "sorted" as owning a house mortgage free. DH pretended not to care but I know he was privately gutted at the blatant favouritism.

Sadly, I think parents giving one child an extra quarter of a million pounds would upset many people. Can you not help them all out while you're alive? By leaving it until after death, you risk causing bad feelings which can't ever be resolved. It's not going to help that vulnerable person to be resented by the rest of their family.

it’s going to cause ill will no matter what happens. There’s people above that are telling op to go nc, they think it’s reasonable for a family to not speak again because of a choice parents have made about how to spend their money to help one of their children. When my mother started talking about everything going to my younger brother who has Aspergers, the rest of my family started into discussions about how to make it fairer, whereas I said ffs he’s the only one of us with no job or house and yes we have mortgages not a house but welcome to life!!! Our whole family is only starting to talk again after years. I WISH my mum had waited until after she had gone so she didn’t see the shit that’s gone on- no big gigantic blow out but her kids (us) now don’t meet up anymore and when we do we tiptoe around each other

I think some of the responses on here are bizarre equating having the opportunity to save for a deposit then take out a mortgage by living rent free for 4 years the same as being gifted a house. Yanbu to be upset by the inequality.

what does your sister do? Is she on a good wage that would enable her to get a mortgage if she had a deposit. I wonder if your DP are ready to have the house to themselves and can’t see her moving out any other way. My dd has recently left home and knowing that if I clean the house it will stay clean for more than 10 minutes is great. Her home is of course immaculate, she kept the living in a shit tip for me.

Did you directly tell your parents that you thought it was unfair? Why don't you suggest that your sister gets a mortgage on the house and release half of the equity to you?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, I would also be feeling upset at this favouritism.

However I also can’t help feeling sorry for the tenant who has presumably paid for the house and will now have to leave and find somewhere else to live. Not easy finding rental properties either at the moment, this has the potential to cause them a lot of stress especially if they have children settled in a nearby school. I’ve seen it happen and it’s awful :(

You're right, OP, this is extremely hurtful. If they want to gift a house maybe they should sell that one and provide deposit money to your younger sister. I really think you need to talk to your parents!

No, OP does not have a house. She has a small portion of a house, and the bank owns the rest. Very different to owning one outright.

Have you broached this with your parents at all?

Just tell them you're upset by it, you're going to be paying off your mortgage for decades and won't own it until then and your sister will have a whole lifetime mortgage free.

Of course it is unfair! OP will be stuck with a mortgage for decades but her sister will have oodles of disposable income and be set for life as she will be given a house for free. How can anyone think this is fair? The sister says there isn't a problem as "you've already got a house" but Op hasn't, the mortgage company has.
Yes, the parents may leave the house they live in to OP but they may not. As Pps have suggested the fairest thing would be for the second house to be sold and the proceeds split equally between the sisters.
OP, do you not have an aunt or uncle to speak up for you if you do not want to broach the subject yourself?

Wouldn’t bother me as my parents are the “no one gave me a handout” mindset so never help out with anything. Sounds like yours are the complete opposite so credit where credit’s due, try not to let it poison your relationship as they sound very generous and caring.

A friend’s parents actually gave her sister a house maybe 20 years ago and my friend was extremely pissed as she worked her arse off to get her own place. I was sympathetic but can also see their thinking as the sister would never get her shit together and would probably end up in some horrible situation without a helping hand.

My friend now has a mortgage free home, uses her first home as an investment property and runs a successful business and the sister is a part time yoga instructor who constantly struggles financially but at least is not homeless.

It seems unfair your parents just handed your sister a major asset however ultimately you’re the one more likely to make the most of everything you have.

This is grossly unfair. My mum gives my sister so much financial support and it has really badly affected all our relationships. She now does it with our children and it really bothers me - to the point where i had to stop spending time with my mum when they were younger.
Please say something. It might not make any difference but at least you will have had your say. How they can think this is okay is beyond me.
if they sold it and split the money your sister could still buy somewhere with a healthy deposit and a mortgage and you could pay yours off (or a big chunk of it).
To the posters arguing about how you managed to save & buy somewhere wtf!!!! My own dd is 24, has a similar wage to a teacher, has saved a deposit and is looking for somewhere to buy more. Not that unusual & why come on a thread to accuse you of lying about a minor detail?

I’m not saying it’s ideal, but maybe the parents view it as giving one house to each sister in the end 🤷‍♀️ We’re 3 sisters and one of my older sisters got a house (that my parents inherited from grandparents) years ago and the rest of the inheritance will be split between me and my other sister eventually. I can’t say I’m too upset by that.

Otherwise it would feel really weird to give one whole house to one sister and nothing to the other one so probably speaking to them to see what their plan/logic is would be a good idea. That’s all I’m saying 🤷‍♀️

This is EXACTLY what your parents should do

If they don't, it's very very unfair

Have they always preferred your sister and given her preferential treatment?

I'd sit down with your parents and have a chat

Maybe they’re planning to give you the other (bigger?) house later on as inheritance?
(if not then obviously no it’s not fair at all)

Clearly it's not the same thing, but in principle, if you were told in your 20s that you had won the jackpot in the lottery, but would not receive it until you were in your 60s or 70s.... other than not bothering to save for a pension and being glad that your grandchildren could have a charmed life.... would you feel unalloyed joy at the news?

Especially if you saw the next week's winner scoop a similar amount and be sent a cheque for the full amount in the next day's post?

Surely the parents will have to pay capital gains tax and cannot just give away a house that has been tenanted?

This would piss me off too tbh, even despite not feeling entitled to my parents money and being quite happy to fend for myself.

In a few years time once the younger sister's career starts to progress she'll probably have shitloads more disposable income than OP who will likely be paying the mortgage for decades. The sister could quite feasibly spend her own money on second property and become a landlord.

Oops! I would sell the rental and split the money equally between both of you.

YANBU. In your parents' situation I

Maybe they’re planning to give you the other (bigger?) house later on as inheritance?
(if not then obviously no it’s not fair at all)

Because they're either not very bright at all or they shamelessly favour one of their children.

To clarify, this is assuming that there isn't a big imbalance in wealth, health, genuine lifelong needs or other circumstances - but if there were, this would be obvious to the (adult) child given much less and thus the not unreasonable ill-feeling would not be a factor in the first place.

I just don't understand why some parents do stuff like this.

Because they're either not very bright at all or they shamelessly favour one of their children.

But perfectly rational as a parent.

It's entirely possible to be a parent AND be reasonably intelligent, you know?

I agree with those saying that they're planning on leaving their own house to you in their will, and reckoning that giving each of you one house makes it fair. However, this is absolutely not fair at all.

Aside from the fact that, if either of them needs expensive care, it will be their own house (i.e. yours) that gets sold to pay for it and not their rental house (i.e. your sister's), even if they don't ever need to sell it to fund care, it's absolutely not the same as giving one house to a 20yo, meaning that she'll never need a mortgage, and giving the other house to somebody probably at least in her 50s (quite likely older), who had to have the burden of a mortgage for its full term. The only way it would really be fair would be if OP had won a very large amount on the lottery or was otherwise in a position that she wouldn't need a mortgage either.

Aside from this, although I realise that they don't owe them anything in the same way, I do feel sorry for the tenants just being chucked out as soon as they've 'fulfilled their purpose' in paying the parents' mortgage for them - especially if they were there doing so for a significant amount of time. I don't know if that was the parents' phrasing or OP's, but I find the wording of 'deciding if they want to keep their current tenants' very distasteful - as if they were just an inanimate object to be sold/scrapped/got rid of, as opposed to actual humans being made to leave their/their family's home.

My mum bought me a house and not my siblings. It might seem unfair to some, but circumstances have meant I have needed this help while my siblings have not. However, I and my siblings know that when my parents die this substantial gift will be deducted from any inheritance i would have got. My parents were very open with us all, so that no ill feeling would fester among us children.

Also, to add, I only know one family whose parents gifted their kids houses.
3 kids. And they all got a house from their parents.
The values of the houses were different, as the times they were gifted the houses differred by a few years each. But at least each sibling had a mortage free house.

1. your sister hasn't done anything wrong

2. at what point, if any, do parents stop being responsible for making sure their children feel they are being treated fairly, and just be allowed to make decisions that they feel are right?