Neighbours letting their baby cry for hours at night

If I'd have had social services or similar banging on my door because of my screaming child, it would have completely broken me.

We live in a terrace and had a night waker/screamer. Luckily we had parents of young children either side so they were understanding. There was nothing I could do other than ride it out with him.

Unless there are other signs of neglect and you're actually worried about the baby then say nothing and get yourself a pair of earplugs/white noise app etc. I know it's annoying but it will end.

I would hardly call 1 night if crying after a year “in the thick of it”.

My guess is that they’re utterly desperate too, and have tried everything that every bloody “expert” has suggested. Also, two is when people begin to notice behavioural differences that indicate ASD, etc… if this child is largely immune to regular circadian rhythms and has other developmental delays, the parents will be at their wit’s end right now. Going in gently from a perspective of concern for all of them is highly advisable. Meanwhile, if you suspect the parents are intoxicated in any way or the child appears neglected, THEN don’t hesitate to call SS.

I don’t know if I should go & speak to them about it tomorrow.

And say what? ‘Do you know your 1 year old was crying last night…?’ Because I’m sure they were well aware.
And “let” is such a stupid choice of words. I’m sure they were just letting her cry. The fact that she’s got to 1 and this isn’t a regular occurrence makes it clear something was off. Baby was probably sick or unwell and could not be comforted.

I would just be a good neighbour.
I heard you had a tough night last night. Could you make use of this zucchini cake?
The parents could be sick or needing one good nights sleep in the week to be able to cope and carry on. Perhaps the child has been checked, patted, given Panadol, but still is crying. Maybe they are going to have it's ears checked tomorrow.

You don't know and you won't be told the truth unless you care enough to be kind.

As we all experience, parenting has the blissfully calm days, the busy up and down but normal days and few very trying times where parents sometimes have to make hard choices.

How do you know they are 'leaving the baby to cry', rather than 'holding a crying baby'?

Mumsnet is usually full of people advocating letting babies and toddlers cry it out to learn to self soothe and settle. I'm really surprised to see so many posters saying it's not normal to leave a baby to cry when that is usually common advice here.

I would say something to the neighbours, if they are trying 'cry yourself to sleep' it's clearly not working. Fwiw, I think it's appalling to let very young kids cry like that. Had the same with one of mine and it was awful. The only thing that helped was picking him up and cuddling. Completely exhausting but eventually he grew out of it

Don’t report it unless there’re signs of neglect. And don’t say anything unless it’s happening every night, or said in a very casual and kind way.
There are many reasons this could be happening. The baby could be ill and they’re actually trying to calm it, you just can’t hear it as that’s obviously going to be quiet. Baby could be having night terrors, and again, parents are there trying to calm them. They could be doing a form of sleep training to try and break a bad habit (yes, I know it’s a taboo subject on MN).
If it’s nightly and there are signs of abuse or neglect like the parents aggressively shouting lots then of course speak to them/report them. But not just for baby crying at night.

My twins went through a stage of this around 1 - and there was nothing I could do - I was very conscious of the neighbours though and would take them downstairs and sleep on the sofa with them and put Disney on - just because they are crying doesn't mean they are neglected

Are you on speaking terms with the neighbours? You could always pop round and ask how they are doing and if the child is teething as you've heard them during night it may prompt a conversation about it.

If they definitely aren't in there with him and it's been happening a bit then it wouldn't be unreasonable to go round and - gently - say you know how tough it is but you are really struggling with sleep, if there's any other approach they can try you'd be really grateful.

Before you do though, have you tried earplugs? That might sort it. I live in a very traffic-y flat and it does for me. The spongey ones are easy to get used to, Boots do big boxes. If that's not enough try silicon or wax or there are a couple of places making reusable ones now.

how Do you know they are just leaving them though? I’ve had times where my babies or toddlers have screamed and cried while I’ve tried everything to comfort them. Also, maybe they are sleep training and using controlled crying? Not for everyone I know but lots swear by it. I can always hear next doors 4 year old screaming, she wakes a lot at night and the walls are thin, but I wouldn’t say anything to them, and yep she’s woken me up a few times.

My DS had night terrors when he was young. When we went in to him and tried to comfort him it actually made it worse and he would scream for over an hour. Eventually we worked out the best way was to just stand in the room to make sure he wasn’t hurting himself thrashing around in the cot and then he would calm down within 10 mins and go back to sleep. But there were many long and noisy nights before we realised that.

I’m not sure how you can be so certain the parents weren’t in there? I certainly wasn’t talking loudly or stomping around when I was trying to comfort my baby. How would you hear soft shushing and rocking?

My neighbour actually did make a snarky comment about how she felt so sorry for my son when we were ‘sleep training’ him. It really pissed me off at the time, especially as it was completely inaccurate. I’d suggest minding your business and buying some earplugs.

I'm sure people will tell you that you don't know the full story blah blah blah but I think the only reason a child would be this distressed for that long if being comforted appropriately and distracted etc is illness, in which case it wouldn't have happened before.

It's usually possible to soothe a very distressed one year old with changing rooms, putting the lights on, music, a soothing toy or book etc. So to me I think hours of screaming is in response to a parenting decision.

I'd definitely ask how the baby is doing today and if they don't say sick, I'd report on the basis that you have said "it's not the first time by a long shot". They need parenting input and are possibly being neglectful. If you don't want to risk comeback I'd report and not say anything.

Apologies. Wrong threat. I'll report myself

@Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 you have my sympathy, it is awful being disturbed by neighbours noise…even worse at 3.30am.

Since becoming a mother I realise that some things are out of your control. Maybe go round and see if there’s anything you can do to help rather than complain. Nothing big but they might appreciate a cup of tea and a chat with you. I was lonely, anxious and really struggled in the early stages and loved it when neighbours or family popped by to just see me and talk about things.

Sorry if I’ve got the situation wrong, just saying what I know now vs how irritating I would have found it 4 years ago!! 💐

I had one child who screamed for hours on end. Went to sleep school etc and it didn't help. If I had a neighbour come and complain about it when there was nothing I could do it would have tipped me over the edge.

Blimey babies cry, it's annoying but it's just life living in a terraced house. My DC had night terrors and no amount of me rocking and cuddling could calm them. I used to worry terribly about what people must think. Sometimes babies are inconsolable despite all your efforts. Do you have any other concerns?

How do you know the baby is not sick?

If this is not regular and has woken you up, can’t believe the parents have managed to sleep through and it’s deliberate.

It could be night terrors. Our older one had them from around age 2 for 6 months. Complete inconsolable screaming. No way to stop it. I was sure the police would show up one night. She got through them but it was truly horrible to sit through at the time as she was in a dream and we really couldnt stop her screams.

Sorry OP, that sounds very tough, but I feel sorry to the poor parents and the baby too. I can’t imagine anyone got any sleep. Baby could be teething? I would suggest being kind and giving the benefit of the doubt this time, maybe get some ear plugs and white noise prepared just in case it happens again? Hope you have a better night tonight!

Those saying they would report, please visit your neighbour first and speak to them. See the child yourself as you may be reporting a completely happy child who has bad nights. My 2yo is going through a really hard clingy stage where if she wakes in the night and me or her dad don't get in her bed she cries and cries, sometimes screams for literally hours till she conks out. We mostly give in because it upsets me her getting so upset. But they may be going through something similar and trying to break the cycle.

I think personally I would go round and say you were just wondering how they were getting on with the baby as you noticed a lot of crying at night - you're just checking everything is OK. They might then be really embarrassed and say ah yes sorry baby has been xyz which will explain it satisfactorily to you.