Just realising how developmentally delayed my toddler is

Now write a list of the things he can do OP. You know that your DS is unique and will have different abilities from some other children, so I'd try not to focus on comparisons with children without his challenges. Any comparisons you make should be in terms of distance travelled by your DS. He will be making progress in his own individual understanding of the world and in how he navigates it and that's what you need to look out for and value.

My DD has autism though doesn't have learning difficulties. She was, however, also born quite prematurely and took a while to catch up with milestones, especially speaking. Just by chance, we signed up when she was wee for baby signing sessions (Sign and Sign) which we both enjoyed as an activity but my DD also learned quite a few signs which she liked to use at home before she could speak, and I am sure it defused frustration sometimes when she didn't have words to say what she wanted/needed/felt. I wonder if signing might be worth trying with your DS?

This. My son was deaf and I didn’t realise, as his hearing came and went. Speech was non existent at 2. At 3 he had some garbled signs and at 4 maybe a few odd words ‘poon’ for ‘spoon’ etc. At 4 he then went mute as he was so frustrated that no one not ever me could understand him. He has hyper mobility in his hands and feet and poor eye sight - all undiagnosed until 7-10 years old. He’s also autistic.

speech and spelling nightmare.

Then came a special school for a year and intensive speech therapy. And then he fell in love with audio books on CD. He was obsessed with Peter rabbit when he was 4 and would listen to the dvds and CDs over and over and that is what taught him to talk.

In year 1 he was 4 years behind, in year 2, he was 3 years behind in year 3, he was 2 years behind. In year 5- he os ahead in maths works at secondary school level, and he’s on track for all subjects and English with his peers.

He had to learn the spellings as it’s too hard for him to hear the different sounds. He learns 10 a weeks by rote method and with flash cards and memorises them or comes up with code ways 😱that even O struggle to understand eg numbers according to the letters and the position in the alphabet. Eg he will do 13-1-17 for a word and it’s jam or something? He just learnt them.
By the end of this year he will have learn all the year 5:6 spellings as he is determined to do it. Reading he struggles with no the pronunciation but the meaning of words so he learns those too - 3 or 4 a day on his own - so he learns what the words mean eg niggle, sensitive and he doesn’t accept a word unless he knows what it means.

I don’t mean this post to be a brag but I was desperate when he was 2 and sounded like a wild animal but when he showed an interest eg Peter rabbit -I got all those books And dvds and cds and spent time doing what he loved. Even though it drove me bonkers!!

when he was interested in locks - and keys I asked locally for spare locks and keys and encouraged him

when he was interested in insects I brought him books and magnifying glasses and went on huge long walks

he still loves all of the above and they are his go to happy place.

What I do remember was the tears and tantrums and meltdowns with communication he wanted to and couldn’t.

I don’t know if my story helps you as all autistic children / speech issues are different. But the key for me was finding something he wanted to learn / do. God bless Peter Rabbit!

And many kids with ASD and learning difficulties do not catch up and the gap is getting bigger. I had so many responses along the line of they all develop differently and get there in the end when I raised concerns about DD.

not sure how these responses are supposed to be helpful. they are wrong on so many levels and a speech delay is a very different diagnosis from autism and learning difficulties.

why cannot people simply acknowledge difficulties instead of coming out with these old chestnuts?

You and he are both doing so well. I would agree with what a PP has suggested with objects of reference.

One thing that helped my eldest was a vertical list of photos of places we were going in order when we had to go out, always with home at the bottom. To start with I would show “now and next” to him at each stage, but when he had experienced it for a while, he used to sit in the pushchair (his safe space) and hold the list and it really helped with his anxiety as he knew what was coming and that we would go home.

Hi just wondering how your little one is getting on? My daughter is 2 and is exactly as you described your little one! I’m out of mind thinking will she ever understand? She’s literally in her own world. No understanding doesn’t play with her brother.. no affection. But like your little one she’s learnt to bring the things she wants opening to me. Will push my legs to take me where she wants. Get her shoes and stand by the baby gate.

He sounds so clever, OP! What a smart little guy to figure out his own way to communicate with you.

My DC is speech delayed. I like to remind myself that children are like popcorn kernels. They don’t all pop at the same time.

Your son sounds like he’s coming along brilliantly, you must be so proud of him. Little superstar!

You sound like a really lovely mum OP, your son’s lucky to have you 💐

Both my DSs are autistic and have learning disabilities. I used to cry every parents' evening at nursery because they were so 'behind' developmentally. I am more hardened to it now.

They will make progress though it may not feel like it sometimes. My DS7 has just started saying a few words in the last few months.

I haven’t read the other replies. Count, read and play with others are not developmental norms for this age. Stop reading what your child ‘should’ be doing and focus on meeting them where they are.

Whilst we are trying signs, picture cards and talking in very simple phrases constantly, DS tends to communicate us by putting our hands on what he wants, leading us to things he wants, if he wants to go outside he brings us his shoes, he isn’t potty trained yet but understands when it’s a nappy change time as he will lay down to be changed. If he doesn’t want something he puts it back or drops it on the floor (this can mean trying lots until we get it right!).

Sounds just like my thirteen-year-old.

Over the last couple of years, we have come to terms with the fact that he will not have the customary future of university, job, house, his own family. Instead we are looking at further college and supported living. You do become resigned to it, the pain of comparison with other children lessens as your child progresses through SEN school. You start to celebrate the little wins (our son can now put on socks, not to command but when he chooses). And you realise that they don't actually know any different, they have no idea of societal norms, and they are HAPPY with their life. Your child won't worry as you do. So try to stay in the happy zone with them. ((hugs))

Sending a virtual hug - was in a similar position a few years ago. It’s lovely he can show and take you to what he needs. We found an amazing special school via portage and see progress every day.

Also can’t read and run, my DS is being assessed for ASD and was delayed walking and talking. I remember how deflated I felt after he failed the twelve month check. The important thing is to focus on how he is developing and all the positives. Massive hugs, it’s so hard sometimes!

My son is the same now, nearly 6 and still completely non verbal, but is learning so much all the time and his understanding is improving. Stop looking at where he should be and meet him where he is. Get him with people who understand autism if possible- my child is at an autism school and it has helped him enormously

My 3 year old cant do any of these thjbgs either. Try to focus on how he is developing no matter how slow it is.

I'll leave the specifics to other more knowledgeable posters, but I read your post and thought your son sounds awesome and a bright little spark x

Thats very hard to come to terms with OP, but you know its ok to complain a bit too and feel sorry for yourself sometimes. You can still love your child to bits but wish things were a bit different, no one could judge you for that. No words of wisdom really just to say he is only 3 and you have no idea the severity of his needs yet, anything could happen. My boy (now teenager) was not too different at 3 and it was like someone flicked a switch about 3 1/2 and every day was like a new miracle, by 5 1/2 was in mainstream school with supports and never shut up chatting and for the most part the autism became invisible. I know thats not common but just saying its still possible. Even with more profound cases its amazing with supports how far along a child with autism can come. You are obviously doing a great job with him and he will thrive from the love and support you give him.

I understand how you feel OP. My DD age 3 is awaiting assessment and displays a lot of what you have mentioned on your list. The only difference is she is verbal. She is almost 4 now but around a year ago I had the stark realisation you have described and it felt like my world fell apart, there were many tears sleepiness nights and worry. Things are a lot better now, I've accepted what the future will look like and learned to understand
her and now celebrate a lot of little gains she has made along the way. She is now able to communicate and understand so much more just in a year by implementing strategies speech therapy have put in place. An excellent school based preschool has also helped with this. Potty training took around a year to complete (and almost broke me!) My entire house smells of wee but we got there in the end. Food is our next uphill battle as she has such a limited diet and about to start school full time. What really helped me with acceptance and understanding and getting to this point was social media. There are lots of lovely instagram pages with children at the same age and developmental stage as ours and they are such a help in lifting spirits. If you are on instagram have a look - a few are sprinkleofspectrum, happyhandswithhallie, roccohydrowarrior. Hang in there keep loving supporting and try not to think too far into the future

It does hit you like a ton of bricks sometimes.
My DD is 12 and I have had to accept that she will never, never grow up.

Never talk, never join in family gatherings (autistic, too much going on), never go on holiday again, never live independently.

She is a lovely lively soul, and has a wonderful time at school where she joins in little trips and such, but then she needs all her time at home as down time.

The worst is the lack of sleep for me. This last week she has slept maybe 2-3 hours each night. I feel like the walking dead.

I hope you have plenty of support for your son and yourselves. He is only 3, so may well become more verbal and learn independent skills. But if not, accept all help you can get. It is so important to get that rest and time off to recharge the batteries.

It's great that you are aware that your child needs extra support especially at a young age, a lot of parents go into denial until the children are a lot older. If you go to your GP and ask to be referred to a paediatrician. They will be able to start to put things in place for other professionals to get involved. They will be your starting point in helping your child get their EHCP, which is their education health care plan. This will give them the setting and support they need at school, whether it will be main stream or specialist.
Parents wanting support and help is the biggest step, it's hard to know where your child should be developmentally if you don't work with children yourself so it's great that you know this early they need extra support.

I have an almost two year old who is very similar to how you’ve described your child. We also see portage but on a monthly basis. I understand exactly how you feel. I also have an older child who was exactly the same. He is now almost six and has managed to ‘catch up’ somewhat. I’m not going to lie and say that everything works out perfectly because in all honesty his first year of school was horrendous and we’ve had to keep him behind a year, but he’s doing so much better now and is making great strides. Things are certainly more positive than they were even this time last year. You are doing everything you can. The main lesson I’ve learnt from parenting a child with special needs is that it’s an ever changing picture. As your child grows, their needs and abilities change and your ability to respond to this adapts alongside them. At 3, your child is still very very young and will seem even more so with a developmental delay but this will even out eventually and the delay will seem less apparent as he gets older. When my eldest was younger, I felt stressed and worried that he’d be disadvantaged. However, now my youngest is experiencing similar, I realise that it’s not actually a huge deal and it’s incredibly rewarding to parent a child who has additional needs.

Your son sounds amazing, and so do you. One thing that came to mind is whether you’ve had his hearing checked? My reason for asking is that my DD (who is developmentally delayed and possible ASD) struggled with speech which most folk decided was part of her delay however after much argument it was found she had significant hearing loss in both ears. Apparently it’s fairly common for kids with additional needs to have undiscovered hearing issues, it may be worth checking if you haven’t already.

Have you got the EHCP process rolling now so he can go straight into a school that will be able to really help him and you? You can apply yourself if you don't yet have a professional involved who is willing to do it.

Hiya @Worriedabouthisfuture

He sounds wonderful!

My autistic (I've 2 but one much more severe) DS was very similar, once he went to an SEN school he's come on leaps and bounds.
At one point at around 4 (at mainstream) he could only be in nursery for about 25 minutes a day because he was terrorising all the kids and staff.
He also didn't talk much except the occasional "no/fuck/brothers names"

Now not only has his swearing progressed leaps and bounds but also his sentencing and counting and even word recognition.

I thought he'd never be fully verbal or potty trained, he now likes to tell me about his "big massive poops" and it fills me with joy 😂

Don't get caught up with milestones, he'll do what he's capable of and when he's ready.

He sounds fabulous and you sound a lovely mum!

Hi, OP -

I also could not read and run. This is one of the most loving and moving posts I have ever read. I wish I had a solution or some advice for you. But all I can think of is how very lucky your DS is to have such a wonderful mum.

I wish I had some answers or advice for you. Do you have support?