Page 23 | Stepdaughter eating too much fruit

Katey83 · 2023-05-04T21:47:34+00:00

My dsd, 7, moved in with us full time back in January. Our situation is that I am higher earner and breadwinner on Mat leave with 5 month old baby, husband does some part time work that doesn’t bring in much (he runs our family vehicle and contributes towards household costs such as shopping etc). Dsd’s mother does not contribute towards her expenses while she is living here (indefinitely for now). At the moment, we are on a tight budget due to my mat leave - and one thing driving me crazy is dsd eating all our fruit. We will buy a weekly shop with 2 bunches bananas, few punnets of berries, peaches, melon, grapes, tangerines etc and she will eat her way through the lot in two days. For example, yesterday she ate a punnet and a half of raspberries, three peaches, four tangerines, some grapes, a slice of melon and two bananas. This is on a school day (so she eats this at breakfast and in the evening). She is then obviously reluctant to finish a proper evening meal or try anything she dislikes. She also has had a couple of accidents with loose stools (imo this is from bingeing on fruit). She takes from the fridge without asking and leaves nothing for DH and I. I’ve spoken to my dh about this and he says she is a growing child and at least fruit is good for her - fair enough I buy fruit partly for her to eat, but the amount seems greedy to me, and beyond what is necessary for a healthy child. I think reasonable is a small bowl of berries and grapes along with a tangerine and banana after school as a snack and then one piece for dessert. She can also have melon and banana for breakfast along with cereal and a yoghurt. I want her to learn that food costs money, we don’t have a bottomless pit of it and you don’t just gorge on whatever you want because you are bored/tired/didn’t eat your dinner, you ration portions in a family so everyone gets a fair share, and sometimes eat less tasty things to maintain a healthy diet. We provide substantial breakfast, lunch and dinner portions, and I try to accommodate her tastes (though she can’t just have fish fingers and strawberries as a diet, which would be her preference).When she first came to us she was also gorging like this on sweets - that’s been easier to nip in bud as dh can see how unhealthy it is. I want to handle this in a compassionate way, would I be unreasonable to stop buying fruit until dh agrees to a sensible ration for dsd?

OctopusComplex · 05/05/2023 00:09

I think you seem the evil stepmother because your husband is putting you in the position of being bad cop.

It may well be that the first thing you notice was the fruit disappearing, or the cost, but it's obvious that you're concerned about her too.

There's no point in pp's saying the mother needs to get involved. Clearly, if everything was OK with the mum, the daughter wouldn't suddenly have changed households for an indefinite period of time.

The ONLY thing I'd judge you for is stocking such a range of fruit which is out of season, and must cost a fortune. It's not necessary.

Berries are actually a great option as they have a relatively low GI, frozen mixed berries would be a great swap.

Meanwhile, whatever your initial question, clearly there's a while ton behind it (as with most mn posts), but if you keep in front of mind the trauma the child has/is experiencing, you'll always make the right decision. Gentle parenting, clear reasonable rules.

All your resentment and animosity should be kept for your husband. You need to keep communicating constantly, because it's amazing how often we look back and realise we somehow ended up in a clearly inequitable partnership, by degrees, without even noticing.

Mangledrake · 04/05/2023 23:57

Oh and apart from teaching her to budget with e.g. her own pocket money, savings, I would not discuss prices or budgets at all.

She may already have picked up on the fact that her mum is paying nothing and her dad less. Or she will later, and she'll join the dots. Make sensible spending decisions yourself, but don't involve her - in the circumstances she could very easily get the message that she's resented or needs to worry about money herself.

Purplebunnie · 04/05/2023 23:55

Not read the whole thread so don't know if anyone else has said this but if your DSD is going to live with you permanently then her child benefit should be coming to your husband.

starsinthegutter · 04/05/2023 23:55

My 7 Yr old would probably do this too. Put some away/high up or give her a snack bowl for after school, add some raw veg like sugar snap peas and carrots.

CabernetSauvignon · 04/05/2023 23:55

SleepingStandingUp · 04/05/2023 23:48

Because you want to stop buying fruit until DH agrees with you. Which is not healthy. And you talk about her eating OUR

However your general concern is valid.

The issue with Mom, was she looked after and feed properly in a secure way? Or is she eating whilst it's there cos it might be gone tomorrow, or because she was never allowed it, or because food was generally very restricted?

I would do a smaller fruit shop, or put a limited amount out. Help her portion control, make sure she's getting plenty of liquid and filling foods for her meals.

Is she actually eating school lunch?

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It's perfectly healthy to stop buying fruit for a short time if there are vegetables available. All that fructose sugar is bad for children.

weirdoboelady · 04/05/2023 23:53

I would suggest a combination of two of the ideas above - a snack pot for her, plus as many apples and carrot sticks as she fancies (bowel movements permitting - you do need to keep a bit of an eye on these as she really does sound to be fruit-bingeing ATM). That should help to contain cost while allowing her to 'fill up' on what we are told is a healthy snack.

Hamburgerandchips · 04/05/2023 23:51

Is your DH pursuing the mother for child maintenance? That would irk me if he wasn't

SleepingStandingUp · 04/05/2023 23:48

Katey83 · 04/05/2023 23:33

I’m not sure how my post suggested she was being denied fruit. I think it’s pretty clear she has access to a lot of fruit.

Because you want to stop buying fruit until DH agrees with you. Which is not healthy. And you talk about her eating OUR

However your general concern is valid.

The issue with Mom, was she looked after and feed properly in a secure way? Or is she eating whilst it's there cos it might be gone tomorrow, or because she was never allowed it, or because food was generally very restricted?

I would do a smaller fruit shop, or put a limited amount out. Help her portion control, make sure she's getting plenty of liquid and filling foods for her meals.

Is she actually eating school lunch?

converseandjeans · 04/05/2023 23:48

@Katey83

I’m quite surprised by the amount of judgement on here over one partner in a couple working PT.

I agree. So many women on here are SAHM or work PT. Apparently that's fine as they have stuff to do.

It sounds like she came to live with you around the same time the baby was born. That must have been hard all round.

Could you make up snack boxes for each day? Would she eat things like rich tea biscuits, home made cake, rice cakes, mini cheddars etc You could get her one of those boxes with loads of compartments.

I think you need to buy in cheaper fruit & just have the berries at weekends.

Why is her Mum not paying any maintenance?

JupiterFortified · 04/05/2023 23:48

JudgeJ · 04/05/2023 23:36

Maybe get her mother to contribute support, just the way a father's expected to. The mothers often get off far more lightly in situations like this.

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Very true. If it was dad who wasn’t involved/not paying maintenance he would be getting loads of shit on here (quite rightly).

kirinm · 04/05/2023 23:47

My DD would probably consume that amount of fruit if given the chance. We (me and DP) barely eat fruit nowadays as it's so expensive and she basically eats what we buy. I think it's perfectly reasonable to restrict the amount of fruit. Not only is it £££ but it's also a lot of sugar.

BoogleOogle · 04/05/2023 23:46

pontipinemum · 04/05/2023 23:22

Is you DH afraid to upset DSD by saying no? Granted my DS is much much younger but I wouldn't let him have that much fruit in one day. It seems excessive. My DS is 9 months old, he would eat a whole punnet of strawberries if I let him but I have to limit his intake as the adult.

Pretty sure a seven year old has different portion requirements from a nine month old. Plus parenting a seven year old is a bit different from parenting a baby ...

Glad you've got it all sussed after less than a year of having a child though!

BungleandGeorge · 04/05/2023 23:45

You’re likely to be far better off splitting the maternity leave, so
that you go back to work soon and dh takes the rest of the leave.
it sounds like she might be filling up on fruit because she doesn’t like the meals served to her? It’s really not the case that you can starve a child into eating whatever you serve so I’d just concentrate on the things she likes and try and get her to also taste a few new things. If cost is an issue out of season fruit is a no no. Swap berries and melon for apples, pears etc. she might like cucumber sticks if she likes soft fruits

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2023 23:44

Your husband needs to learn how to parent and set boundaries and give a lot of love to your dsd.

Mangledrake · 04/05/2023 23:42

Dodgeitornot · 04/05/2023 23:29

Is your DH looking for full time work? I voted YANBU because that's an absurd amount of fruit but I did think your first post sounded a bit evil step mum. Your second one reads much better and helps to understand the picture. It's nice that you're paying for play therapy etc and it's clear you care for this child. It's a bit of an unfair position you've been placed in.
I do think it's most likely comfort eating. It sounds like she was quite addicted to sugar when she arrived? This can take months to work through as a lot of sugary sweets are not just physically but psychologically addictive. Gives you a hit so fast. It's probably why she's eating so so much fruit. I was similar when I was in foster care as a teen. She will know she's eating lots of fruit and is probably hoping you're not noticing.
I would suggest getting cheaper fruit, lots of apples and also sweeter veg like carrots and peppers. I would personally do something like this:

Get two tupperware boxes. Say that you found a trick online in how to keep fruit and veg fresh for longer and you'd like to stay a bit more organized as you've got a bit of a baby brain ( sorry op, not necessarily this but something that takes blame away from her) and you want to make sure she has her snacks. So you have two tupperware boxes for her. You fill it with enough fruit and veg for that day and replenish with her daily. It'll give her a task to do. Have you done your carrots and fruit for tomorrow? Help her cut etc. It'll be a nice activity she has with you. Carrot sticks should be kept in water and fruit should have a tissue inside the tupperware. She can decorate the tupperware.
This will give her a safe portion that she knows is for her and no one can comment on. It'll also help alleviate her worries that she's eating too much and help control her snacking as this is often the age unhealthy coping mechanisms using food start. The tupperware is empty? You've got to wait till after dinner for more. It'll also allow you to introduce her to other veg that she might not normally try. Oh i picked up this, thought you might like to try it for your snack box.

Sorry this is so long. Sending you lots of love and patience OP. It's a tricky situation.

I like the sound of this tupperware approach.

Positive attention, company, structure. Good post.

Your DH may have outdated ideas about fruit. When I was growing up the assumption was the more the better - though fruit was apples, oranges, bananas only most of the time. It's now recognised as healthy in moderation, and more expensive fruits are common. I'd shop around for good recommendations on child nutrition to share with your husband. And I can see why you might plan for him to stay PT and cover childcare. Hang in there.

JupiterFortified · 04/05/2023 23:42

Katey83 · 04/05/2023 23:33

I’m not sure how my post suggested she was being denied fruit. I think it’s pretty clear she has access to a lot of fruit.

OP I think the main reason you’re getting a hard time from some posters on here is that you’re step mum. Mumsnet seems to have an overwhelming hatred for step mums for some bizarre reason.

My experience is that a step mum can’t ever win but I think you’re entirely right on this - DSD is eating way too much fruit (esp from a teeth perspective) and it needs to be nipped in the bud. I would definitely limit the ‘nice’ fruit and perhaps offer the more ‘normal’ fruit eg apples/pears instead.

Overall the adults in the situation should be helping the child make healthy choices/eat healthy portion sizes. No 7 year old should have completely free rein over their diet.

CatherinedeBourgh · 04/05/2023 23:41

This is nothing to do with fruit and everything to do with learning to share and be considerate.

My dc at that age would have done similar, but we supervised them and taught them to see how much there was (of whatever it was) and ensure they always left some for everyone else.

It's a basic part of education.

Boomboom22 · 04/05/2023 23:40

For your dh, use the teeth angle. So much fruit is dreadful for her teeth. Its as bad as sweets for caysing fillings. There should be useful info online nhs dentists or YouTube etc. Milk and yogurt would be great alternatives to have as part of a varied diet with fruit too.

Nanny0gg · 04/05/2023 23:40

Katey83 · 04/05/2023 23:12

I think that’s a lot to conclude from
one post about a specific issue. I’m irked at the cost of our food bill and my DH reluctance to step in and deal with what ai see as unhealthy behaviour. I love dsd and we are doing a lot as a family (and I am funding a lot myself, E.g. play therapy) to help her deal with this change in circs.

Why isn't she asking before helping herself?

The parents should be in control of what and how much she eats at her age

blacksax · 04/05/2023 23:40

That's a ridiculous quantity of fruit for a child that age to be eating. There's four adults in our house and what you're buying would easily last us a week. Fruit may be considered 'healthy' but not in those quantities - she's getting far too much sugar in her diet and it will be bad for her teeth as well. Not to mention the fact that yes, she is being plain greedy.

Summerfun54321 · 04/05/2023 23:37

Is this not how everyone eats fruit? We all smash through it as soon as it's in the house. It's feast or famine, raspberries need to be eaten asap. Just get apples carrots and cucumber in for everyday eating.

Strawberrydelight78 · 04/05/2023 23:37

Co you have a word with her play therapist? She might be able to get to the route cause of why she's doing it.

Sleeplessnights2 · 04/05/2023 23:37

Strawberrydelight78 · 04/05/2023 23:30

My son was like this until a few years ago. He's autistic I used to have to hide fruit from him. If I didn't he would fill up on it and refuse to eat his meals tipping his plate over. .

She might not have had much fruit on offer at her mum's so she's making up for it. But it's not good for they're teeth eating so much fruit. Sometimes they think they're hungry but just need to drink more.

Yes, this is a good point - sounds like nice fruit is still a bit of a novelty as she’s not used to it. We have neighbours whose kids come round and they guzzle almost entire punnets of berries without sharing with other kids as they don’t have them at home.

JudgeJ · 04/05/2023 23:36

Squidlydoo · 04/05/2023 22:49

Maybe she’s thirsty or vitamin deficient? Try getting her to increase her water and offer a vitamin- then ration

Maybe get her mother to contribute support, just the way a father's expected to. The mothers often get off far more lightly in situations like this.

blisstwins · 04/05/2023 23:36

Dodgeitornot · 04/05/2023 23:29

Is your DH looking for full time work? I voted YANBU because that's an absurd amount of fruit but I did think your first post sounded a bit evil step mum. Your second one reads much better and helps to understand the picture. It's nice that you're paying for play therapy etc and it's clear you care for this child. It's a bit of an unfair position you've been placed in.
I do think it's most likely comfort eating. It sounds like she was quite addicted to sugar when she arrived? This can take months to work through as a lot of sugary sweets are not just physically but psychologically addictive. Gives you a hit so fast. It's probably why she's eating so so much fruit. I was similar when I was in foster care as a teen. She will know she's eating lots of fruit and is probably hoping you're not noticing.
I would suggest getting cheaper fruit, lots of apples and also sweeter veg like carrots and peppers. I would personally do something like this:

Get two tupperware boxes. Say that you found a trick online in how to keep fruit and veg fresh for longer and you'd like to stay a bit more organized as you've got a bit of a baby brain ( sorry op, not necessarily this but something that takes blame away from her) and you want to make sure she has her snacks. So you have two tupperware boxes for her. You fill it with enough fruit and veg for that day and replenish with her daily. It'll give her a task to do. Have you done your carrots and fruit for tomorrow? Help her cut etc. It'll be a nice activity she has with you. Carrot sticks should be kept in water and fruit should have a tissue inside the tupperware. She can decorate the tupperware.
This will give her a safe portion that she knows is for her and no one can comment on. It'll also help alleviate her worries that she's eating too much and help control her snacking as this is often the age unhealthy coping mechanisms using food start. The tupperware is empty? You've got to wait till after dinner for more. It'll also allow you to introduce her to other veg that she might not normally try. Oh i picked up this, thought you might like to try it for your snack box.

Sorry this is so long. Sending you lots of love and patience OP. It's a tricky situation.

This seems like such a good idea and very compassionate.