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Original poster

Stepdaughter eating too much fruit

639 replies

Katey83 · 04/05/2023 22:47

My dsd, 7, moved in with us full
time back in January. Our situation is that I am higher earner and breadwinner on Mat leave with 5 month old baby, husband does some part time work that doesn’t bring in much (he runs our family vehicle and contributes towards household costs such as shopping etc). Dsd’s mother does not contribute towards her expenses while she is living here (indefinitely for now).

At the moment, we are on a tight budget due to my mat leave - and one thing driving me crazy is dsd eating all our fruit. We will buy a weekly shop with 2 bunches bananas, few punnets of berries, peaches, melon, grapes, tangerines etc and she will eat her way through the lot in two days. For example, yesterday she ate a punnet and a half of raspberries, three peaches, four tangerines, some grapes, a slice of melon and two bananas. This is on a school day (so she eats this at breakfast and in the evening). She is then obviously reluctant to finish a proper evening meal or try anything she dislikes. She also has had a couple of accidents with loose stools (imo this is from bingeing on fruit). She takes from the fridge without asking and leaves nothing for DH and I.

I’ve spoken to my dh about this and he says she is a growing child and at least fruit is good for her - fair enough I buy fruit partly for her to eat, but the amount seems greedy to me, and beyond what is necessary for a healthy child. I think reasonable is a small
bowl of berries and grapes along with a tangerine and banana after school as a snack and then one piece for dessert. She can also have melon and banana for breakfast along with cereal and a yoghurt. I want her to learn that food costs money, we don’t have a bottomless pit of it and you don’t just gorge on whatever you want because you are bored/tired/didn’t eat your dinner, you ration portions in a family so everyone gets a fair share, and sometimes eat less tasty things to maintain a healthy diet.

We provide substantial breakfast, lunch and dinner portions, and I try to accommodate her tastes (though she can’t just have fish fingers and strawberries as a diet, which would be her preference).When she first came to us she was also gorging like this on sweets - that’s been easier to nip in bud as dh can see how unhealthy it is. I want to handle this in a compassionate way, would I be unreasonable to stop buying fruit until dh agrees to a sensible ration for dsd?

OP posts:
Wanderingowl · 05/05/2023 08:17

Inthesamesinkingboat · 04/05/2023 22:54

I disagree that that amount of fruit is healthy. It is incredibly high in sugar and one of the reasons why the tried to reform the 5 a day guidelines to 3 veg and 2 fruit to stop people doing 5 fruits.

Id want to go to the GP to find out if there is an underlying issue.

the cost would annoy me as well, along with not having stuff in the fridge later in the week for everyone else.

can you look at 2 smaller food shops each week perhaps

That's bullshit, sorry. There really is no health issue with eating as much fruit as you want other than an upset tummy. The sugar in whole fruit is processed completely differently by the body than processed sugars. They aren't remotely comparable.

LumpySpaceGoddess · 05/05/2023 08:15

Personally I’d hide the fruit and make her up a daily box.
Fruit is healthy but so high in sugar, she needs to eat it in moderation at right now she is consuming a very unhealthy amount.
Her teeth will suffer along with her body so it needs nipping in the bud very quickly!

Sallyh87 · 05/05/2023 08:15

As an adult, I would be very ill if I ate all that fruit!

I don’t like the idea that kids need to ask for healthy snacks like fruit. Maybe put a little lunch box in the fridge with snacks for her. Mini cheeses, crackers, veggie sticks, some fruit etc. That way she knows what’s hers to take for that day.

taybert · 05/05/2023 08:13

And honestly, I feel for you, you’re not a wicked step mum, you’re the only adult of the three taking any responsibility for anyone by the sounds of things and with a small baby and trying to balance a really difficult step parent role that must be HARD. Like I say, it feels a bit as if you’ve been set up here, the other adults seem to be off the hook with money and parenting their daughter whilst you worry about money and her health.

Elgarelegie · 05/05/2023 08:13

Buy cheaper fruit! Berries are so expensive. Buy apples, pears, plums, bananas, oranges. If you buy the ‘basics’ brands of these, you get a lot more for your money.

Hollowgast · 05/05/2023 08:12

OP: A family member east a ridiculous amount of fruit.
Scenario 1, family member = step child.
MN: " oh the poor lamb, I can't believe you'd be so cruel as to restrict the amount of fruit"

Scenario 2, family member = husband.
MN: "The greedy fat loathsome slug. Divorce him immediately"

diddl · 05/05/2023 08:12

If your husband cba to parent his daughter then you will have to.

If you think that the best/easiest way is to stop buying fruit then do that.

I also think it's fine for kids to have to ask if they can have stuff so as to take others into consideration.

I knew as a kid that there was stuff that we couldn't have as it couldn't be afforded or the money was needed for something else.

Quoronation · 05/05/2023 08:11

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 05/05/2023 08:08

OP, next time just say your daughter and you'll get full sympathy and understanding. The mere mention of "step" turned your into a wicked bitch that hates the child and wants her to starve. Its embarrassing for the poor little lambs that are so threatened by other women like this.

A million times this.

Yeah - It's not on really isn't it. Someone takes on the stepmum role - not an easy one. And then the moment they say something vaguely difficult or negative about the stepchild it's like YOU HATE THEM YOU'RE NOT THEIR MOTHER BUTT OUT.

Ihaveshitfriends · 05/05/2023 08:10

I think this would all be helped if dad taught his daughter to cook. Just simple dishes first then as she gets older more complex dishes. We take our children shopping and they can see prices and they are also encouraged to try everything (not forced to eat it, just a little taste).
If she starts viewing food differently it will really help her.

taybert · 05/05/2023 08:10

I get where you’re coming from but you need to stay away from words like “greedy”. I suspect most of your frustration here comes from being the only person who is financially responsible for a child who isn’t yours which adds to your pressure, but that’s the fault of the other adults involved, not your DSD. It’s not a very fair situation for either of you, it feels a bit like you’ve been set up there because you’re always going to be the one worrying about money whilst her parents get to say “at least it’s health” I don’t know much about these things but does her mum really not have to pay anything whilst she lives with you full time? Seems wrong.

Anyway, regardless, for whatever reason she’s having too much fruit and you’re probably right about the accidents being caused by that. It’s also no good if she’s not eating her main meals, so these are all good reasons to tackle it without greediness or gorging being brought in to it. And yes, she’s probably comfort eating and whilst understanding and acknowledgement of that are key, comfort eating isn’t a healthy coping mechanism and you’re doing the right thing to help her with it.

So- lots of reassurance and kindness to DSD but she can’t just go and get a snack whenever she wants any more because we need to make sure everyone in the family has a balanced diet to stay health (it’s great that you always go for fruit but we need all sorts of things in our diet to be healthy). Could she be involved in the shopping process and choose the fruit she likes for the week then her dad could portion some up for her for her after school snack and she can choose some after dinner? Or could she help him prepare a portion when she gets home? As other poster have said, throw some carrots, cucumber sticks etc in to the mix? This way it isn’t her step mum denying her food, it’s just a different family approach to snacking. And the same with DH to be honest, he’s likely to be defensive for his daughter if he thinks she is being judged, perhaps less so if he feels it’s about putting her health and wellbeing first.

So, difficult as it is, try to take the emotion out of it for all of you. Approach it on a practical level and keep on being consistently kind and reassuring to DSD.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 05/05/2023 08:08

OP, next time just say your daughter and you'll get full sympathy and understanding. The mere mention of "step" turned your into a wicked bitch that hates the child and wants her to starve. Its embarrassing for the poor little lambs that are so threatened by other women like this.

A million times this.

Quoronation · 05/05/2023 08:08

Could you try getting her a fruit bowl and she can eat whatever is in that fruit bowl that day?

EatYourVegetables · 05/05/2023 08:08

Your DH, who is neither contributing financially nor parenting this child properly, sounds like a prince among men.

Poor kid.

MeridianB · 05/05/2023 08:07

I think your DH needs to step up here. It's too much fruit - as others have said, the sugar is an issue but so is the acid. Some great suggestions on here for alternatives - carrots, nuts, protein, lots of water, - and distraction and management.

No one person in a home should be decimating a family's whole week supply of anything in two days.

@Freehugs ideas for reducing access and managing alternatives sound very realistic. But your DH needs to lead on this - partly because he has more time and also because it's his DD. Does she need more of a routine so she knows when meals are? Can he up his 1:1 time with her too to try to address the emotional side of this?

I agree that DSD's mother needs to be accountable for something - if this was a man he'd be called a deadbeat dad.

Finally, ignore the baiters accusing you of not caring for your DSD.

femfemlicious · 05/05/2023 08:07

Theunamedcat · 04/05/2023 23:21

It's unhealthy my son does it but he has adhd/autism and he is VERY sensory seeking crunchy apples are his joy I cut him down because its unhealthy for his teeth AND his stomach

Oh dear, my asd daughter eats a lot of fruit. She can eat 5 apples in a day. I didn't realise it was bad. Eats a lot of carrots too. I'd say she eats up to 10 fruit a day. Before that it was crisps so I felt fruit is much better 😥

milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard · 05/05/2023 08:05

Mooey89 · 05/05/2023 08:04

And OP try to ignore those being rude. Mumsnet has a horrible attitude to step parents. I love my step daughter with every fibre of my being: I am her mother. She is 18 now and we are currently on holiday together (long since split from her dad). Go on the step parent thread instead

Lord knows they stalk out that thread too. Little else to do with their time whilst little Jayden is at school or his dads.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 05/05/2023 08:05

babyproblems · 05/05/2023 06:36

I feel your tone is a bit mean I’ll be honest… I get the impression you’re not that keen on her and she irritates you. I think it’s really important you do your upmost to have a loving relationship with her… I don’t think the details about who brings in more money are relevant. You’re married and she is a child of the family. I feel there’s some resentment on your part- I also think you sound frustrated with your DH. You’re right it’s too much fruit and it’s a lot of sugar!!! You need to make it less accessible or change tactics. Could you buy frozen fruit and make her a smoothie a day she can have in a couple of portions? Is she drinking enough water? Is she genuinely hungry. Things to think about. Good luck xx

Don’t be ridiculous. She lives with the OP full time and the OP is single-handedly paying for her and additional things like play therapy. Do you just see ‘stepmother’ and project? Many posters do. It’s ludicrous and derails threads.

Mooey89 · 05/05/2023 08:04

And OP try to ignore those being rude. Mumsnet has a horrible attitude to step parents. I love my step daughter with every fibre of my being: I am her mother. She is 18 now and we are currently on holiday together (long since split from her dad). Go on the step parent thread instead

Jk987 · 05/05/2023 08:03

I think there's more to it than the excessive fruit and I agree it's too much.

  • Your step daughter moved from living with her Mum to living with you and her Dad full time. Did something happen with her Mum and is SD upset about it? Does she miss her Mum?
  • You mention you are the high earner and DH works part time with only a small contribution to the finances. Not sure how this is relevant to the fruit but does it bother you? It would me. When is he going back to a full time, better paid job?
  • You must be sleep deprived with a 5 month old and it's a huge change going from 0 to 2 children! Sounds like your step daughter moved in at at the same time the baby was born?
Margot2017 · 05/05/2023 08:03

You seem quite harsh and resentful. I feel terribly sad for your stepdaughter, as I have no doubt that what will be justified as a financial or healthy eating based decision stems in large part from your unhappiness at having her in your home.

Seven isn’t too young to perceive that and I strongly suspect she’s well aware of your negative feelings toward her. Try hard not to do that to an innocent child.

Mooey89 · 05/05/2023 08:00

She will be comfort eating. I was full time step mum to my dsd when she was that age too. It’s so tough. What I do for both kids (DS and DSD is have ‘snack boxes’ freely available to them for the day but pre portioned. Things like a box of raisins, a banana, an apple, carrot sticks, a bag of crisps, maybe a chocolate bar or malt loaf or biscuit. Yoghurts in the fridge. My DS would snack constantly if I let him but this way they get control of knowing there is food but it’s limited.

Shinyandnew1 · 05/05/2023 08:00

That’s huge amounts of sugar-it’ll rot her teeth. I would sit her down and say she can’t eat that much fruit-it’s for all the household for all week, it’s affecting her tummy, her teeth, her appetite for dinner and your finances.

I would say she can have a portion of fruit after lunch and also as dessert after dinner.

Fannehflaps · 05/05/2023 07:57

Why is the mother not contributing? All so quick to shit on dad not contributing enough, but mum contributes fuck all & that’s ok?

But yea, that’s way too much fruit, she’ll have no teeth left.

Tarantullah · 05/05/2023 07:57

OP, next time just say your daughter and you'll get full sympathy and understanding. The mere mention of "step" turned your into a wicked bitch that hates the child and wants her to starve

Quite.

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 05/05/2023 07:54

If you substitute needy for greedy you might get a clearer view of the situation. Her world is in chaos and she is self soothing orally.

She has had a massive change of life and so have you. None of you can carry on as before. She has to learn the rules and habits of a whole new home and change to adapt them. You need to change too - the shopping and housekeeping habits and the spending that worked for you as a family of two adults clearly aren't working for a family of 4.

Stop buying the expensive fruit -the simple fact is that you can't afford it. There's no shame in that. I eat berries every day now but when DC were little and we only had one wage earner in the house we probably bought them 3 times a year. Fruit was apples, bananas and sliced up oranges. And not every day.

Sugar is addictive so the more she has, the more she will want. The household shopping habits are enabling this. Make it easier for her to to eat healthier things. My D.C. loved humus with sliced carrots/peppers/cucumber/cherry tomatoes +some sliced up pitta strips or crackers. They also loved coleslaw which is very, very inexpensive to make. Sell it to her as a treat, an indoor picnic in front of the tv.