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Original poster

Stepdaughter eating too much fruit

639 replies

Katey83 · 04/05/2023 22:47

My dsd, 7, moved in with us full
time back in January. Our situation is that I am higher earner and breadwinner on Mat leave with 5 month old baby, husband does some part time work that doesn’t bring in much (he runs our family vehicle and contributes towards household costs such as shopping etc). Dsd’s mother does not contribute towards her expenses while she is living here (indefinitely for now).

At the moment, we are on a tight budget due to my mat leave - and one thing driving me crazy is dsd eating all our fruit. We will buy a weekly shop with 2 bunches bananas, few punnets of berries, peaches, melon, grapes, tangerines etc and she will eat her way through the lot in two days. For example, yesterday she ate a punnet and a half of raspberries, three peaches, four tangerines, some grapes, a slice of melon and two bananas. This is on a school day (so she eats this at breakfast and in the evening). She is then obviously reluctant to finish a proper evening meal or try anything she dislikes. She also has had a couple of accidents with loose stools (imo this is from bingeing on fruit). She takes from the fridge without asking and leaves nothing for DH and I.

I’ve spoken to my dh about this and he says she is a growing child and at least fruit is good for her - fair enough I buy fruit partly for her to eat, but the amount seems greedy to me, and beyond what is necessary for a healthy child. I think reasonable is a small
bowl of berries and grapes along with a tangerine and banana after school as a snack and then one piece for dessert. She can also have melon and banana for breakfast along with cereal and a yoghurt. I want her to learn that food costs money, we don’t have a bottomless pit of it and you don’t just gorge on whatever you want because you are bored/tired/didn’t eat your dinner, you ration portions in a family so everyone gets a fair share, and sometimes eat less tasty things to maintain a healthy diet.

We provide substantial breakfast, lunch and dinner portions, and I try to accommodate her tastes (though she can’t just have fish fingers and strawberries as a diet, which would be her preference).When she first came to us she was also gorging like this on sweets - that’s been easier to nip in bud as dh can see how unhealthy it is. I want to handle this in a compassionate way, would I be unreasonable to stop buying fruit until dh agrees to a sensible ration for dsd?

OP posts:
Respberrypachouli · 05/05/2023 08:51

Petty

Chipperfish · 05/05/2023 08:49

Poor wee soul - must be a lot of changes for her and she needs guided. Its not healthy behaviour to binge on fruit so much and needs to be tackled gently. Theres a lot of reasons why she could be doing this covered in the thread - which only you and her father realistically can answer.
Is it a reaction to previous control, scarcity or food insecurity? is it a compulsion? is it sensory/self soothing? is it boredom and mindless eating? is it cravings because of unmet needs in the diet? is it because of lack of attention? is it looking for a place of security/establishing that its her home/trying to work out the rules after such a huge change? Both of you should be involved in tackling it, but her dad really needs to step up to the plate and pay some attention to his daughter and whats driving this behavior.

There's some great ideas about the snack boxes and having access to portions of healthy snacks, involving her in shopping and prep, and giving her some control/security over things. Less expensive fruit available, and savoury/veg based rather than fruit but more snacks with protein - nuts, cheese, peanut butter. No locks on fridges or disapproval/harsh rules but positive alternatives.

You could make eating the nicest fruit dessert - get her to help you or her dad cut up/arrange a sharing platter which gets eaten after your main meal, and shared between everyone. So she gets to eat the fruit she likes and enjoy it, but after her main meal.
But more importantly she gets positive attention and time with a parent prepping the food, gets some age appropriate responsibility, masters some skills, and eats her fruit as part of a the social experience of sitting together as part of the family, getting attention rather than snacking alone. Its a good place to model and positively reinforce sharing behavior. Lots of praise and appreciation from both you and her dad for 'making dessert'. Also teaches self control and delayed gratification in waiting for the treat. Might also be a nice idea as your baby moves more on to finger foods and can join in the sharing as well.
We used to do this at a point in our life when money was tight/fancy fruit less available and it had so many small positive benefits, as well as allowing me to make sure everyone in the house was getting some of the best fresh fruit and it wasn't being hogged by the fruit bats/older children.

MzHz · 05/05/2023 08:49

Better to set boundaries and be clear about them than to hide things

SparklyBlackKitten · 05/05/2023 08:48

Leave her 3 bits of fruit for her to eat at the beginning of the day. Hide the rest

Tell her money is tight. And fruit is everyone.

Dinner is served at 6. If she hungry then come and eat. The end

And fruit is healthy yes. But that much isn't
Not for your teeth. Bloodsugar. And for #2

MzHz · 05/05/2023 08:47

*Funding not finding

MzHz · 05/05/2023 08:47

My oh has no problem setting boundaries in the household with my ds. My oh is finding most of it, he does get to say what’s consumed and by whom and on what terms

by some quirk, we have a useless under counter built in fridge and a full height plug in fridge. Ds has the built in to himself - if it’s not in there it’s not his. And yes he too had to be educated not to just go roaming and rummaging and eating everything. We have to teach our kids and those kids in our lives to think of others, to respect the things they have access to.

MzHz · 05/05/2023 08:43

I put YABU because you can speak to her yourself and set a boundary that there is no helping yourself to everything all the time and you have to ask before you take it.

Or perhaps get a box to put in the fridge and say, this you can have. If it’s in this box you can help yourself, if it’s not in that box you can’t.

you’re funding this house ffs, so don’t just let stuff drift. It’s not about lording anything, but you’re the one facilitating everything, and it’s being taken for granted

tell your h what the rules are, that he’s expected to support them and if not, you’ll stop buying so much.

femfemlicious · 05/05/2023 08:42

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 05/05/2023 08:37

It's fine if it's WHOLE fruit and not a smoothie or dried fruit. Sugar in fruit isn't the same as refined sugar.

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Yeah it's the whole fruit no smoothies or juice. But she does get tummy aches

GlitteryGreen · 05/05/2023 08:38

This is mad OP, I'd definitely stop buying so much fruit. It's not like anybody else gets any anyway!

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 05/05/2023 08:37

femfemlicious · 05/05/2023 08:07

Oh dear, my asd daughter eats a lot of fruit. She can eat 5 apples in a day. I didn't realise it was bad. Eats a lot of carrots too. I'd say she eats up to 10 fruit a day. Before that it was crisps so I felt fruit is much better 😥

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It's fine if it's WHOLE fruit and not a smoothie or dried fruit. Sugar in fruit isn't the same as refined sugar.

diddl · 05/05/2023 08:33

There really is no health issue with eating as much fruit as you want other than an upset tummy.

Well surely that's the health issue isn't it?

Soffana · 05/05/2023 08:33

I never have this amount of fruit at home, it seems very expensive. I have one, tops two kinds of fruit. Mostly apples. I only buy berries when they are on sale as a treat. Stop buying that much expensive fruit and your problem will be solved.

CoffeeYes · 05/05/2023 08:31

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 05/05/2023 06:33

@Katey83 your resentment is natural, that is an obscene bingeing on fruit, and you are covering that excessive cost alone.

I think it’s time for your partner to resume full time work again and share the burden of both of the children with you. Especially as one is his alone. He probably won’t want to hit he’s had a long time of working part time now and there are two kids to think about, one of which is solely his and you are shouldering the additional financial burden (therapy) as you try to support her.

I agree with you. OP is not the ‘evil step mother’ that some people in this thread are screaming. OP is the sole provider of a child who isn’t even hers. This little girl has 2 parents and neither of them are OP. However, OP pays all the bills for the house, she pays for the food shopping… she’s even paying for therapy! I imagine she’s also paying for clothes, toys, days out etc.

OP’s husband needs to get a grip and get a full time job, not an odd job here and there. He also needs to apply for child support.

LorW · 05/05/2023 08:29

Switch to carrot sticks, cucumber sticks and apples, much better for her health wise. Stop buying berries for now and I see you’ve said she’s in play therapy, might be worth mentioning to them?

cheekyffer · 05/05/2023 08:28

Please don't call her greedy. Point out that too much fruit will make her tummy hurt. Maybe let her choose several things a day and put them in a bowl.

Whichnumbers · 05/05/2023 08:28

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 05/05/2023 08:08

OP, next time just say your daughter and you'll get full sympathy and understanding. The mere mention of "step" turned your into a wicked bitch that hates the child and wants her to starve. Its embarrassing for the poor little lambs that are so threatened by other women like this.

A million times this.

I agree with this

the tangent is your tone and people are dissecting you as a step mother just ignore and take any good ideas about the fruit situation, sharing and leaving something for others

dont mention being a step mother if people don’t need to know

BeverlyHa · 05/05/2023 08:27

Bring the poor child to their mum or ask the father to provide more money for fruit or to buy her all the fruit she wants.

milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard · 05/05/2023 08:27

Lobelia123 · 05/05/2023 08:24

Why? Do you think its not possible for a seven year old to be greedy? Do they only become greedy when they turn 14....or 18, or 21? This is a ridiculous mindset. Children can be greedy....also selfish, mean and yes, unpleasant. Part of parenting is teaching them that indulging in these selfish behaviours isnt right and that we all have to live together - first in families, then in schools and workplaces and in greater society at large.

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Part of parenting is teaching them, unless you are a step parent then how dare you try and teach them that, they are just a child, leave them alone.

HannahDefoesTrenchcoat · 05/05/2023 08:25

That’s so hard having a 7 year old move in full time when you’ve just had a baby. It sounds like she was snacking and grazing on sweets at her mums so has understandably replaced that with strawberries etc.

I have teens now and still mainly buy boring fruit with berries, melon and peaches as a treat. Sometimes if I buy nectarines, I put one in the cupboard for me as I know the teens will soon clear the nice fruit.

Same with chocolate, icecream etc., I just buy less so it’s not in the house for long.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 05/05/2023 08:25

Wanderingowl · 05/05/2023 08:17

That's bullshit, sorry. There really is no health issue with eating as much fruit as you want other than an upset tummy. The sugar in whole fruit is processed completely differently by the body than processed sugars. They aren't remotely comparable.

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That’s not true, fruit contains glucose and fructose. Fructose, due to the presence of fibre, doesn’t raise blood sugar. The liver deals with it. Glucose, obviously, does impact blood sugar and has all the associated issues with that. Fruit should form part of a balanced diet but saying you can’t eat too much is quite misleading. And it can certainly cause weight gain.

Lobelia123 · 05/05/2023 08:24

Blort · 04/05/2023 22:50

Unpleasant to call a 7 year old eating fruit "greedy". But it's reasonable to expect her to eat her evening meal before snacking her way through fruit.

Why? Do you think its not possible for a seven year old to be greedy? Do they only become greedy when they turn 14....or 18, or 21? This is a ridiculous mindset. Children can be greedy....also selfish, mean and yes, unpleasant. Part of parenting is teaching them that indulging in these selfish behaviours isnt right and that we all have to live together - first in families, then in schools and workplaces and in greater society at large.

Hollowgast · 05/05/2023 08:24

Wanderingowl · 05/05/2023 08:17

That's bullshit, sorry. There really is no health issue with eating as much fruit as you want other than an upset tummy. The sugar in whole fruit is processed completely differently by the body than processed sugars. They aren't remotely comparable.

Show quote history

The sugar in whole fruit is fructose. Processed sugar in the UK is sucrose, which is metabolised to glucose and fructose.

Fructose is fructose, whether it's from fruit or not.

mdh2020 · 05/05/2023 08:24

We were hard up when our DC were growing up and all fruit was put away and had to be asked for unless I specifically offered it. DC would never have dreamt of taking any food at all without asking permission. I think the idea of a snack box for her is a good idea so she still has an element of control over what she chooses to eat. Maybe don’t buy the more expensive fruit for a week or two so she gets used to the change?

milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard · 05/05/2023 08:24

Wanderingowl · 05/05/2023 08:17

That's bullshit, sorry. There really is no health issue with eating as much fruit as you want other than an upset tummy. The sugar in whole fruit is processed completely differently by the body than processed sugars. They aren't remotely comparable.

Show quote history

Binge eating anything is not good for you. There are absolutely health issues with consistently over eating fruit. High in calories for one, teeth for another. It is not healthy. 5 portions of fruit and veg a day are recommended, not as much as you can eat before you throw up, why do you seem to think you know better than this?

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