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Original poster

Stepdaughter eating too much fruit

639 replies

Katey83 · 04/05/2023 22:47

My dsd, 7, moved in with us full
time back in January. Our situation is that I am higher earner and breadwinner on Mat leave with 5 month old baby, husband does some part time work that doesn’t bring in much (he runs our family vehicle and contributes towards household costs such as shopping etc). Dsd’s mother does not contribute towards her expenses while she is living here (indefinitely for now).

At the moment, we are on a tight budget due to my mat leave - and one thing driving me crazy is dsd eating all our fruit. We will buy a weekly shop with 2 bunches bananas, few punnets of berries, peaches, melon, grapes, tangerines etc and she will eat her way through the lot in two days. For example, yesterday she ate a punnet and a half of raspberries, three peaches, four tangerines, some grapes, a slice of melon and two bananas. This is on a school day (so she eats this at breakfast and in the evening). She is then obviously reluctant to finish a proper evening meal or try anything she dislikes. She also has had a couple of accidents with loose stools (imo this is from bingeing on fruit). She takes from the fridge without asking and leaves nothing for DH and I.

I’ve spoken to my dh about this and he says she is a growing child and at least fruit is good for her - fair enough I buy fruit partly for her to eat, but the amount seems greedy to me, and beyond what is necessary for a healthy child. I think reasonable is a small
bowl of berries and grapes along with a tangerine and banana after school as a snack and then one piece for dessert. She can also have melon and banana for breakfast along with cereal and a yoghurt. I want her to learn that food costs money, we don’t have a bottomless pit of it and you don’t just gorge on whatever you want because you are bored/tired/didn’t eat your dinner, you ration portions in a family so everyone gets a fair share, and sometimes eat less tasty things to maintain a healthy diet.

We provide substantial breakfast, lunch and dinner portions, and I try to accommodate her tastes (though she can’t just have fish fingers and strawberries as a diet, which would be her preference).When she first came to us she was also gorging like this on sweets - that’s been easier to nip in bud as dh can see how unhealthy it is. I want to handle this in a compassionate way, would I be unreasonable to stop buying fruit until dh agrees to a sensible ration for dsd?

OP posts:
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Blondeshavemorefun · 13/04/2024 09:02

Katey83 · 06/05/2023 11:26

Thanks for all the helpful suggestions - we tried a snack ‘plate’ yesterday and it was a success, with dsd helping to pick a range of snacks for the evening and happily not eating more than we had set aside on her special plate. For those saying I’m resentful and don’t care all I can say is please try being a stepparent for one day, let alone with a new baby and total financial responsibilities for the family and see how long you can go without a single stressed or negative thought. Expressing that in a call for help in a parenting forum is not the same as abusing or mistreating a child.

That's great a fruit plate has been introduced and working

Well done

Fwiw you have had a lot of grief on this thread - it's obv you care for your step daughter - And your replies were very calm and all you wanted was a bit of support and help

Yes eating all that fruit was a lot for anyone. Even an adult let alone a child

Mini blondes is 7 and loves fruit but also veg. Loves loves loves carrot sticks and cucumber at the moment so has those a lot cut into batons - as well as apples pears grapes

Tbh I buy one punnet of strawberries /raspberries as they are more costly and when gone they are gone

I get the strain of being higher earner and on ml , plus a dh not earning enough but makes sense if he is going to look after baby when you go back to work - to not look for more work

Your step daughter is lucky to have you in her life and hope she enjoys being a big sister

abcdefg22 · 19/10/2023 21:33

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EightChalk · 19/10/2023 10:27

IHaveTooMuchStuff · 19/10/2023 10:10

Late to the thread, but your husband has abdicated responsibility for this child's diet and health, and you're taking the resentment you have for him and redirecting it onto this little girl. No she's not being "greedy", she's doing what she was raised to do before she came to you - seek out sugar - and she's not receiving guidance from either of her biological parents in how to eat a balanced diet. That responsibility has fallen on the shoulders of a woman who now resents her. Poor girl.

Zombie thread. Read the OP's posts - she took advice from the thread and progress was made.

IHaveTooMuchStuff · 19/10/2023 10:10

Late to the thread, but your husband has abdicated responsibility for this child's diet and health, and you're taking the resentment you have for him and redirecting it onto this little girl. No she's not being "greedy", she's doing what she was raised to do before she came to you - seek out sugar - and she's not receiving guidance from either of her biological parents in how to eat a balanced diet. That responsibility has fallen on the shoulders of a woman who now resents her. Poor girl.

FlipFlopsInMyCar · 01/06/2023 23:14

Awwww... She isn't 'greedy' or 'gorging on food'. She is 7 years old.

You need to let her know what she can and can't have and when, and make sure she'd being given enough food at meal times to satisfy her.

Hope she's coping with the change of living situation.

What are her strengths? What do you and your DH love about her?

Cazareeto1 · 01/06/2023 22:52

aSofaNearYou · 10/05/2023 15:50

I will never understand why people think lecturing someone that is clearly trying hard and going above and beyond about how much they need to "be better" and aren't doing enough, without any recognition of what they are doing, is the way to go.

OP has, unexpectedly, gone from being a part time to full time step parent of a traumatised child. She's just had her first baby, in itself really difficult, she's providing for the whole family, she clearly has compassion for her step child.

Writing all that off with a strong message of "do better, you're doing shit" is not going to endear someone to being the paragon of virtue, focused entirely and unfalteringly on helping this child with their trauma (a task she never expected to have to take on). It's going to breed resentment. She's already doing loads of good here at a really difficult and exhausting time in her own life. Have some respect for how much she's already doing.

Well I think she is going to learn the hard way, that kids don’t do things by the book. She has her own little one and will learn that you can plan how that kid is going to behave, how they will eat, how you won’t make mistakes… 1st to 2nd kid you soon learn, kids have own mind, they will have temper tantrums they will get in to funny ways with food, they will go to birthday party’s with loads of sweets (my first and second was no sweet policy.. then they went to birthday partys) can control everything but can teach moderation. I personally think OP is taking out her frustration a bit on the kid, she had set out her and DH had their life and his kid at weekends, she maybe needs to go easier on the kid (look at her other posts not just this one) kid is not the problem, she just a little kid who clearly prefers sweet foods (feel good foods) so maybe needs a bit more patience with her. But I’d give her other posts a read might change ur views slightly

LimePi · 26/05/2023 10:21

Your life with your parents sounds a bit sad and sad that you internalised it and considered it totally ok. Especially if your mum just refused to do midweekly shop, so odd.

PS. fruit juice, crisps and ice cream is absolutely not the same as berries from the health/sugar intake/insulin resistance perspective

tikkanaan · 11/05/2023 06:29

Nanaof1 · 11/05/2023 03:57

Both of your last posts have been spot on! 💯
The stepmom has even worked out a solution with her DSD and it was done with love and compassion. I would guess the DSD is thrilled with having her very own snack plate and it's a great bonding time for the two of them.

I feel, as you do, that the SM has totally stepped up to the challenge.

Show quote history

And this didn't even have to be her challenge. She could have easily said nope I'll let her dad sort this out.

OP is doing an amazing job and if I'm brutally honest with myself I think I'd have struggled to cope to think about anything else when I had a 7 month old.

tikkanaan · 11/05/2023 06:26

Have some respect for how much she's already doing. I agree, I have seen people get so angry towards stepmums who are doing far more than should ever be expected of them. Remember these are not their children, they have made a choice to be part of the family and I am in awe of what some people choose to take on.

Flufferblub · 11/05/2023 04:05

You might want to make up a "yes box" for her. A box of snacks she can have access to, and you can portion the fruit and other healthy snacks in there each day.

Nanaof1 · 11/05/2023 03:57

aSofaNearYou · 10/05/2023 15:50

I will never understand why people think lecturing someone that is clearly trying hard and going above and beyond about how much they need to "be better" and aren't doing enough, without any recognition of what they are doing, is the way to go.

OP has, unexpectedly, gone from being a part time to full time step parent of a traumatised child. She's just had her first baby, in itself really difficult, she's providing for the whole family, she clearly has compassion for her step child.

Writing all that off with a strong message of "do better, you're doing shit" is not going to endear someone to being the paragon of virtue, focused entirely and unfalteringly on helping this child with their trauma (a task she never expected to have to take on). It's going to breed resentment. She's already doing loads of good here at a really difficult and exhausting time in her own life. Have some respect for how much she's already doing.

Both of your last posts have been spot on! 💯
The stepmom has even worked out a solution with her DSD and it was done with love and compassion. I would guess the DSD is thrilled with having her very own snack plate and it's a great bonding time for the two of them.

I feel, as you do, that the SM has totally stepped up to the challenge.

Tourmalines · 10/05/2023 22:49

aSofaNearYou · 10/05/2023 15:11

@Cazareeto1 Jesus Christ that was so much longer than it needed to be. I don't know how you've managed to give decent, level headed advice about substituting for vegetables and weaning off the fruit whilst also littering your comment with repeated, completely uncalled for comments about OP needing to "step up", "get a grip" and "grow up" etc.

She is a grown up that has clearly already stepped up for this girl enormously. She has shown compassion for the girl but is concerned as her budget is not limitless. The tone of your comment was completely unnecessary, your standards of "stepping up" are too high - she has already stepped up and should be commended for that, not treated as you have treated her here.

Agree, a whole of dribble .

LizzieW1969 · 10/05/2023 16:37

She shouldn’t call her DSD ‘greedy’ when talking to her directly, or when she’s within earshot. That could be damaging, definitely. (I was an overweight child who comfort are, so I'm speaking from experience here.) If she’s doing this, then she’s out of order.

But calling her eating habits ‘greedy’ in a Mumsnet thread isn’t hurting the girl at all. She is simply asking advice on how to handle the situation sensitively, and has come up with a solution that actually looks like it might work. Hopefully she’ll come back and update us.

It wasn’t the best word to use on a thread here, though, where there are always posters looking for an opportunity to stick the boot into any stepmum who has anything remotely negative to say about her stepchild.

aSofaNearYou · 10/05/2023 15:50

I will never understand why people think lecturing someone that is clearly trying hard and going above and beyond about how much they need to "be better" and aren't doing enough, without any recognition of what they are doing, is the way to go.

OP has, unexpectedly, gone from being a part time to full time step parent of a traumatised child. She's just had her first baby, in itself really difficult, she's providing for the whole family, she clearly has compassion for her step child.

Writing all that off with a strong message of "do better, you're doing shit" is not going to endear someone to being the paragon of virtue, focused entirely and unfalteringly on helping this child with their trauma (a task she never expected to have to take on). It's going to breed resentment. She's already doing loads of good here at a really difficult and exhausting time in her own life. Have some respect for how much she's already doing.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 10/05/2023 15:41

Cor, you don’t have talk some twaddle @Cazareeto1

Cazareeto1 · 10/05/2023 15:21

Nanaof1 · 09/05/2023 05:30

And a ridiculous amount of sugar in their system. Fruit is much better than refined sugars, but it's still a type of sugar with a mix of glucose and fructose. There are limits to how much is healthy for a person (I thought I read 3 cups/servings/day is reasonable).

Show quote history

Yes it is a high amount of sugar but this child is weining off of sugary sweets the fruit is being used as a replacement, her body also needs time to adjust after such high amounts of sugar and that means weining her off the amount of sugary fruit, and first replacing some with sweet tasting veg then on to more bitter veg. You can eat raw.. will take time and also don’t want to put the kids body in shock from lack of sugar her body was used to. Also the kid no longer in full time custody of her mum, for what ever reason, we don’t know if it was a bad situation or what. So the kid will also be comfort eating, and sugar makes you feel temporally happy, that is why it is addictive. OP needs to not use words like greedy, for a kid, especially this age group and teen years. Not everything is black and white, and as simple, things take time for kids and this kid sounds like she needs a break (going by OPs other posts she has made and wording) there are many factors going on here and each adjustment needs addressing separately. OP

tikkanaan · 10/05/2023 15:14

aSofaNearYou · 10/05/2023 15:11

@Cazareeto1 Jesus Christ that was so much longer than it needed to be. I don't know how you've managed to give decent, level headed advice about substituting for vegetables and weaning off the fruit whilst also littering your comment with repeated, completely uncalled for comments about OP needing to "step up", "get a grip" and "grow up" etc.

She is a grown up that has clearly already stepped up for this girl enormously. She has shown compassion for the girl but is concerned as her budget is not limitless. The tone of your comment was completely unnecessary, your standards of "stepping up" are too high - she has already stepped up and should be commended for that, not treated as you have treated her here.

I agree. It seems very angry!

aSofaNearYou · 10/05/2023 15:11

@Cazareeto1 Jesus Christ that was so much longer than it needed to be. I don't know how you've managed to give decent, level headed advice about substituting for vegetables and weaning off the fruit whilst also littering your comment with repeated, completely uncalled for comments about OP needing to "step up", "get a grip" and "grow up" etc.

She is a grown up that has clearly already stepped up for this girl enormously. She has shown compassion for the girl but is concerned as her budget is not limitless. The tone of your comment was completely unnecessary, your standards of "stepping up" are too high - she has already stepped up and should be commended for that, not treated as you have treated her here.

Cazareeto1 · 10/05/2023 15:05

Katey83 · 04/05/2023 22:47

My dsd, 7, moved in with us full
time back in January. Our situation is that I am higher earner and breadwinner on Mat leave with 5 month old baby, husband does some part time work that doesn’t bring in much (he runs our family vehicle and contributes towards household costs such as shopping etc). Dsd’s mother does not contribute towards her expenses while she is living here (indefinitely for now).

At the moment, we are on a tight budget due to my mat leave - and one thing driving me crazy is dsd eating all our fruit. We will buy a weekly shop with 2 bunches bananas, few punnets of berries, peaches, melon, grapes, tangerines etc and she will eat her way through the lot in two days. For example, yesterday she ate a punnet and a half of raspberries, three peaches, four tangerines, some grapes, a slice of melon and two bananas. This is on a school day (so she eats this at breakfast and in the evening). She is then obviously reluctant to finish a proper evening meal or try anything she dislikes. She also has had a couple of accidents with loose stools (imo this is from bingeing on fruit). She takes from the fridge without asking and leaves nothing for DH and I.

I’ve spoken to my dh about this and he says she is a growing child and at least fruit is good for her - fair enough I buy fruit partly for her to eat, but the amount seems greedy to me, and beyond what is necessary for a healthy child. I think reasonable is a small
bowl of berries and grapes along with a tangerine and banana after school as a snack and then one piece for dessert. She can also have melon and banana for breakfast along with cereal and a yoghurt. I want her to learn that food costs money, we don’t have a bottomless pit of it and you don’t just gorge on whatever you want because you are bored/tired/didn’t eat your dinner, you ration portions in a family so everyone gets a fair share, and sometimes eat less tasty things to maintain a healthy diet.

We provide substantial breakfast, lunch and dinner portions, and I try to accommodate her tastes (though she can’t just have fish fingers and strawberries as a diet, which would be her preference).When she first came to us she was also gorging like this on sweets - that’s been easier to nip in bud as dh can see how unhealthy it is. I want to handle this in a compassionate way, would I be unreasonable to stop buying fruit until dh agrees to a sensible ration for dsd?

my step mum when I was a teen would constantly pick at what I ate call me a pig, and so on, I was a healthy weight my bmi was perfect and I was very muscular as I did a lot of sports which required more food to build up and have energy. She gave me an eating disorder and made me feel I was fat Iv been anorexic for the last 20 years of my life thanks to her! So be very careful of your words and how they affect a person. I lived full time with them, they whole situation was extremely distressing for me. Food being constantly brought up! It was horrible and made me feel fat! Iv been between a size 4 and 6 for a long time because of her words.

You are kind of being unreasonable this is a little kid, who no longer lives with her mummy, she had a sweet addiction and now a fruit addiction to clearly replace her levels of sugar she had before, you need to wein her off that amount. And also be understanding that she is very young and has a lot going on in her little world. I wouldn’t call it greedy I would call it a small kid both weining off the amount of sugar that was in the sweets and having emotional damage from being a suitcase kid…
you are the adult in the situation who is some what stepping in as “mum” during the time she lives with you. As being the female who is there all the time. She has just had a new sibling, as well. So her emotions will be all over the palce.
do not make her feel like she can not help herself to food, that will make her feel uncomfortable and not part of the family, instead prepare her food and yes while she lives with you, you need to step up as step parent especially now she no longer lives with her mum.
when your little one gets to the same age group you will see what kids are really like at home…
kids are naturally made to prefer sweet food, so they do not eat poison foods it’s a natural instinct we all had as children, and all children have.
your job is to offer sweet tasting veg like carrots, sweet peppers, so wein off sugary foods, like it lump it this little girl is a huge part of your life and calling her greedy is not ok, not even slightly. She is trying to self regulate. How would you feel in her shoes, lack of stability not living with her mum! Step up and don’t call kids greedy for eating, she growing at fast rate and it’s not good for her later in life mental health…

please get a grip and realise you married, you may well make more money but in a family situation that really isnt part of life, tbh you both do what can and meet in the middle.. you will make ur DH feel inferior and will cause problems in your relationship… goes both ways.. you keep going way u are husband will end up arguing with you over his daughter.. which is not healthy for anyone especially the child in the situation… 🤦‍♀️ you are a grown woman and should know better tbh! I think your wording and language used is degrading and disgusting to say a child that age is greedy. Be better and look for solutions instead of the crewl words.. which they are to a small kid.. especially in the situation she is in.

teach her that too much of anything is not good for you and teach how to eat things in moderation instead, and use kind words like “if we eat too much fruit or sugar, we will get a sore tummy and have runny poo (make it a way for kid to understand that will make it a little bit fun, goes down better with kids if it’s more fun which they are more inclined to listen)
I would personally get her to help you make a healthy snack plate with some veg and fruit, use sweet tasting ones to start with and then add different veg with less natural sugar.

do you really have to ask mums net on something you as an adult should have a bit of compassion and understanding what this kid is actually emotionally going through! Really get a grip and stop the stupid mentality of the way you are wording for this kid, kids take things adults say to heart big time choose ur words very carefully even when u are not talking to her directly but discussing with her father, she will hear you and think you do not like her… please remember the impact you will have on this child.

RobbCort · 09/05/2023 16:31

I think the simple solution is to just buy produce twice a week instead or once. It will force her to slow down as well as ensure that you and hubby have some towards the end of the week as well. It seems like there are big adjustments for everyone in the household and things will likely calm down soon enough. With an easy enough solution, this wouldn’t be the hill I chose to die on

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 09/05/2023 11:38

Jesus. The 👶 🎂 poster is a complete maniac, running riot on several threads. Yikes.

Nanaof1 · 09/05/2023 11:38

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/05/2023 16:11

@Babycakes6

im just replying to your posts - how does that
make me a troll?!

Show quote history

I hope she isn't stalking you also! Look for IhateTrolls as that is her sock-puppet account.

Nanaof1 · 09/05/2023 05:47

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Nanaof1 · 09/05/2023 05:35

Babycakes6 · 08/05/2023 12:54

As a result, they are all starving! But they can afford baby therapy, car and to not go to work 🙄

Show quote history

Baby therapy? You mean for the little 7-year-old girl who cannot be in the care of her mother for some reason?

I must say, however annoying, I am getting a laugh from the delusions you spout. Proving once again, that reading comprehension is SO very important. 😆

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