Irrational fear of spending money

It sounds very much like OCD. Have you looked into CBT?

I understand this too, and the way I got round it was to make sure all the essential spending and saving is covered, and then allow money for food and drink when out, for new clothes, fo theatre and cinema and so on.
Use the Which guide for retirement for how much an average person spends on clothes and holidays a year. Then I allocate it and spend it.
It has been hard, but I can now enjoy my coffee and cake as I know it is in my budget.

I hate spending money too. Id spend on dc but not on myself.

Have you heard of the time 'financial anorexia'? There are some good resources online, for example by Tabitha Farrar. It's essentially a alternative expression of anorexia when the physical eating disorder has been recovered from

Thank you, that's interesting, and does resonate with me. Something to bring up with the psychologist!

People who are ND often struggle massively with anxiety and an inability to make decisions.
Medication helped me very much. It makes me feel calmer and less out of control.

I am similar

We have money, good secure jobs, pensions, own 2 houses etc.

I can spend money on my children, no problem. They need new trainers? Grand, let's go to JD Sports immediately.

I cannot buy myself a new outfit. I am literally sitting here in Primark leggings and an oversized jumper I got from New Look for £8 in 2019

I transfer every single extra penny we have into our savings accounts, and then feel sick for the rest of the month

I feel that I am depriving them of their inheritance. Even though they will (at the moment) inherit £700k but I think - if I keep saving, I could make that £x amount more

Both are on course for grammar school. They should not need my money, but here - money makes the difference

I come from a normal, middle class background. No poverty issues

I understand you OP. I hope you can find a way through

This is text book anorexic behaviour. You have transferred the denial from food to money. Maybe you should speak to a counsellor or look at the strategies you used to overcome anorexia. Well done for that! It's horrific, you should be so proud of yourself . Take care

Out of interest (I am having ADHD assessment at the moment), how would ADHD be at the root of this?

I have a feeling your ADHD is at the root of this. You'd probably see an improvement if you were medicated for it.

Try listening to some podcasts. I like "I will teach you to be rich". Not all about people who cannot spend, sometimes the opposite, but it's great to hear about different mindsets and how to frame things.

So what's happened here is there's a part of your subconscious mind that developed the belief in childhood that spending/not having money is something to be avoided at all costs; because that was your lived experience. It was appropriate at the time (when you were growing up) but it's now outdated and actively holding you back. Remedial hypnosis would allow you to connect with that part of your mind and 'switch off' that belief.

I don't have much advice but just wanted to give my sympathy and understanding. I don't have the same circumstances as you, but I grew up with parents who were extremely sensible with money but in a way that made me fearful of spending anything. They are in a great position now in their 60s but drilled into me their values and opinions on money. I think in my mum this was a result of my Grandad being extreme on the savings/having money front and never ever wanting to spend, as a result of his own mother being poor growing up and wanting to give her money.

I then got married which ended, and partly that was due to financial abuse from my ex and him racking up 30k of gambling debt, and abusing our family money and wasting our savings. He took out a stupidly expensive car on finance whilst he was piling up gambling debts. He was always impulsive and unpredictable with money. He lied so easily about it. It became traumatic living with someone so unreliable and untrustworthy with finances. It made me feel unsafe. I'm just lucky he never borrowed against the house or in my name.

Over the last few years I've realised I am also now fearful of spending. I don't have answers, but just a hug and sympathy. I get amounts of money way out of proportion, like spending £20 will leave me in trouble when I have more than enough in my account. Sometimes I try to actually challenge myself to spend something, just so I prove to myself I won't be left penniless and unable to pay my bills if I spend an extra fiver on something.

It becomes incredibly irrational and I'm not sure what the answers really are. I just keep telling myself I will get more secure over time as I genuinely have no need to be so fearful.

I think this is more common than you know. We've lived through maxed out credit cards and redundancy and no savings, as a result I feel like gollum hoarding our precious savings and seeing them rise rather than spend. Its the ultimate safety cushion. My best friend is the opposite, she spends money like water and has no fear of being without as "the universe will provide". I'm the utter cynic and whilst our DPs would help in a crisis, I could never accept it and would rather take bankruptcy that need bailing out.

I've had to allow myself to enjoy my money and have a fun budget. This has come from incredibly complex cashflow forecasts that I work on every day (did I say obsession?) As long as the savings are rising, I'm allowed to spend £x amount. This is strange too as whilst I happily spend some of my budget, I'm naturally not wanting to spend it all and want to see that balance rise too. My DH is a saver too but he helps me to spend on the big things like Disney world trips and moving house when we've stayed on our smaller house 5 years too long.

I have very similar, though not as strong, issues with money OP. I also recognise a lot of what you've said about your childhood, it sounds a lot like mine in several ways.

Money makes me hugely anxious, and weirdly this anxiety goes the other way too - the one time we had a huge amount of money in our bank account (because of selling our house), I couldn't relax until it wasn't there anymore (deposit on new house). Somehow seeing it sitting in the account made me feel it wasn't safe, compared with bricks and mortar.

Anyway, I have had some therapy and we did dig into this a bit. We have some savings at the moment and I'm starting therapy again. I definitely think the first thing you should spend your money on is therapy.

In the same with Ibroporofen, the small things. Coffees, it’s all a killer especially the cost of living crisis has exacerbated this. I’ll look for bargains all the time for myself. But I’ll try my best to get the kids what they want. Even if it’s an expensive smoothie! I’ve even gone to the co-oP to get myself a pain au chocolat rather than pay the costa price and let my kids have a costa cake!

OP I am like this and I’m in therapy. My therapist said it’s a lot of similar factors to you. I won’t go into too much detail, but my dad was a gambler, an alcoholic, my mum had to take control of money. Dad was super reckless, I started helping mum financially sort the house from around the age of 10 (she is pretty much illiterate so I soon became more astute at reading letters, sorting out insurance etc).

It’s awful being like this, my therapist has tried to support me/reassure me I’m not in the same complicated place I was as a child. That we are financially secure. Each morning I wake up running through expenses in my head, stressing about what needs paying out. I am having issues with just being kind to myself too.

My therapist has asked me to take small steps on spending money on myself and to see how it feels. It’s really very hard. My DH has booked us a holiday next week and I’m so stressed even though it’s booked and paid for by him, at the cost of it! And how much it’s costing etc.

im finding I’m hearing my DC say certain things and I’m passing my concerns around money onto them which is bothering me so I need to start trying harder. I guess I just wanted to say I understand.

You deserve to be happy op.

If you pay for therapy/ counselling it will help you run your business finances too as you say they are effected.

I really hope you do it - and after the sessions book in for some horseriding lessons. You can have a really fun life and you must give it to yourself.

Good luck op.

Hi OP, i recognise a bit of myself in what you post, for me the problem comes more with large purchases which i struggle to make even though I need the item.

I really think you should try private counselling, it would be a fantastic thing to do for yourself and hopefully would improve your quality of life.

Could you also try a sinking funds type approach - so for each budget category you have a pool of money to use however you like, you might find this feels more freeing because the pot of money has already been allocated.

It's good you're open to seeing the GP OP, they won't think anything badly about you seeking help for this, they will recognise the effect its having on your life and also see it as something you can control and so you do. I have ADHD and used to struggle a lot with this, I'd spend money on DC (even then it'd be sale or discounted stuff- nice but I'd spend hours and hours searching for it, filling an online basket and emptying it again and then feeling guilt) but never on nice things for me. Medication has helped and I did have a course of therapy which addressed other things which helped me realise why I do this. I am doing better now but I do still feel misplaced guilt about it and have to constantly work and push myself to ensure I don't pass on this behaviour to DC or have it affect them.

recognising it is half the problem.
With things like the elongated train trips, why not think about the value of your time? - if the train takes an extra 2 hours but saves you £2.50, was the saving worth it, how much could you have earned in that time?
I can see that could be counter productive with food shopping though. Would setting yourself a budget help? So that you know you have £50 for food shopping or whatever.

Reading your post I wondered if you may also have an issue with self esteem - you feel guilty about spending money on yourself because for some reason you think you aren't worth it? I only say this because I have this problem a bit and also because you say that you were happy to spend money on your parents. Good luck OP

You absolutely know you need to spend on therapy. If you were looking for our permission, you have it.

This is rooted so deeply in family issues that no stranger on the internet is going to be able to properly help you. There’s no quick fix. But the great news is, you can absolutely fix this. With proper support you could manage this and allow yourself a better life.

I feel for you, I never luckily had your childhood, tho my parents were fairly careful.
what has changed me is having Parkinson’s at 60, prob 5 yrs I’m told, told a good 10 yrs, luckily things are not too bad.
i get help in benefits and a free bus pass, I’m living my best life,while being careful money wise.
One of my biggest joys is dear cat ( tho more expensive than old cat, as wet food and litter, other one didn’t), soothes me.
Hopefully you can find a balance and enjoy your money, you only live once

Ok, how about this?

I was brought up and suspect you were too with the attitude 'look after the pennies and the pounds will...'.

An alternative attitude that rationally you can now afford, is to reject 'nickel and dime-ing'.
So don't obsess over small amounts that don't matter.
Value your time and your comfort so you save the hour and the petrol wasted driving to and from the shop to get a £4 refund.

How does that sit?

Buying an ice cream on a day out adds value to the outing. It saves hour of discomfort waiting til you get to the car where you left your water bottle.

Recycling your puzzle books after they have had the best puzzles done is environmentally sound. Get a puzzle book more to your taste. See it as the positive act of recycling and tidying, rather than throwing away.