To think family court can't be THAT bad?

@Eggseggseverywhere
thank you, I will.
Do you have any experience with a CAFCASS worker, I am trying to understand if the interview should have been so intense where I was crying in distress and constant points raised in favour of my ex. I feel the safeguarding claims I put into court are completely dismissed as they don’t believe me, my ex is very good at admitting things but never the full context. I was in a difficult relationship for almost 5 years and i finally got out. I feel the nature of the interview was not handled sensitively e.g. throwing a book across the room to show me an example of aggression. My ex has made no efforts to see our daughter for 4 months yet it’s put on me why he hasn’t seen her because of my irrational actions.

Would you mind expanding on this please?

I would have thought having a barrister who can articulate your reasons properly would work in your favour.

When you get the report go through it with a highlighter..mark any lies or untruths. Your solicitor can bring these to the judges attention.. If you have any evidence have it printed out at the ready. I had a senior Cafcass officer thrown out of court after he admitted on the stand his 4 year's worth report was based on 'facts' he received from exh... Exh lost his ridiculous case..

I’m currently going through family court about my child. I feel the CAFCASS officer does not see through my ex partner and the situation which led me fleeing to my birth home. In fact I am getting the blame for not being rational! The interview was horrific, almost 3 hours and I came out feeling deflated, overwhelmed and questions everything about my ex partner and the relationship.

My ex partner wants to share our child between two countries. I feel he is going to get what he wants. I am dreading the report.

has anyone else been in a similar situation like this? I feel like it’s easier to give up our child to him because the level of stress it is causing, I can’t describe.

We had an entire Cafcass report that was clearly copy and pasted from another of her cases- referred to one of my children by the wrong name throughout and our address had the wrong postcode.

Either an MRA or works for CRAPCRASS. ignore the fool

Yeah I know what you mean - I think coming out of an experience like this you'd hopefully be able to discern between a man slagging his ex off instantly when you hadn't even asked, compared to you both getting to know each other, talking and sharing about your past experiences.

I wouldn't exactly hit out with my story straightaway, I'd look like a bunny boiler 😅

@LegallyFit I think the point is that it's a minority though. Calling a woman mentally after fleeing domestic abuse is one of the most common tactics abusers use. Text book behaviour

I understand what you mean but there are genuinely women out there who are manipulative and mentally unwell which is evidenced in their behaviour. I think it is important to not instantly dismiss a man based on him saying these things as he could very well have been the victim of abuse himself which is why he may be so angry towards her.

Sadly this.

@RabbitWarrren he might not; none of this might happen. I left a very abusive and violent relationship in full expectation that he would abuse me through the family court and except for our financial settlement in the divorce, we've never been to court and we've sorted out everything fairly amicably

Shudder! I would run a mile.

And I would never trust a man whose ex had the courage to seek the help of the family court to protect her children from abuse. However charming he was. However compellingly he described her as "manipulative" or " mentally ill"

Agreed. I think this is exactly what has gone wrong and it's a horrible inversion of what should be happening

Agreed. I think this is exactly what has gone wrong and it's a horrible inversion of what should be happening

You're being naive unfortunately.

Listen to the Filia podcast about cafcass and the family courts.

I don't think it's actively set up to favour abusive men as such - I think it just operates on a very clear basis that the only possible threat to children is parental alienation, and that it is in their interest to have a relationship with both parents. It's almost like there ought to be a separate process to screen for contact with a parent being harmful to children, but this doesn't actually exist. That's what makes it dangerous IMO. They're pushing for contact in all situations, even the ones where it's harmful.

There seems to be no acknowledgment of the fact that parents who are amicably separated will likely not need to go through court, so the ones who do will have extremely high chances of domestic violence/coercive control and the extremely gendered nature of this.

I don't really understand why it's so different in the family courts for children in the care system where these harms are considered and taken into account vs the family courts for child residency and access after divorce or separation.

Hi @wejammin I think for me, I didn't go into it expecting it to be a nice experience. I understand that the whole system is underfunded, training budgets cut, Judges and staff all under pressure and drained, and it's not their job to make me feel at ease I guess and they are obviously professionally detached. But I didn't expect to feel unsafe and unheard.

The first judge (female) who granted my non-mol was decent, the 2nd one (female) who heard our non-molestation case over-rode the 1st judge's recommendations in favour of ex that he didn't need to leave the family home. She told us both off like we were a pair of naughty kids because my daughters statement included where he'd try to rape me upstairs and my daughter had come into the room because she was frightened and worried, he threw something at her to get out then went into her room and grabbed her by the throat to threaten her never to come in my room again. She was 13 😔it was hugely terrifying and traumatic and I was trapped (as I had been for years) in a placating/egg-shell walking position to try and keep us all safe. Something that gets used against you in court that actually, because you responded nicely to some text messages, agreed to a takeaway etc, then that was proof that your marriage was fine and you were now making up stories of abuse.

This Judge said something along the lines of 'I don't know what's going on at home but you two need to pull yourselves together and accept the marriage is over(??) - you'll need to live together in a civilised manner while you finalise the divorce'.

Obviously he was crying and saying that he was not a perpetrator of abuse. The judge was sympathising with him, asked if he was ok and told him to take his time etc. I didn't say a word. My solicitor appealed that I had had no choice but to make me and the kids homeless by fleeing the marital home to temporary accomodation when I knew he was going to be served with a non-mol because I was terrified of him for my kids and me and that we couldn't be expected to live together after that while still divorcing, especially as he had the financial means to move out.

I don't care who you are, how can anyone not see the danger in that situation? I just couldn't believe that with all the evidence/police report/sw report/video evidence the judge said that.

I understand it's luck of the drawer, but that's not good enough. I believe that judge was potentially putting our lives in danger - her eye-rolling about claims of abuse was audible.

Anyway, the appeal in court did work, but only thanks to my solicitor really arguing it not the judge - I remember we had to go out of court and finalise it and go back in. He agreed to move out as long as the report from my daughter could be re-written to paint him in a more favourable light, he refused to move out if I didn't agree to that - so I did. Crazy. All that mattered to him was that he 'looked' like a decent person. All that mattered to me was that he fuck right off out of our lives and that statement was just words after all. But they were the truth.

Absolutely, they consider age 13 plus able to decide. But will still encourage it and say you should do everythinh to facilitate it etc.

@Lightpatterns my DD was 14 and DS 11. They were listened to by CAFCASS however, the criminal aspect of ex DH meant the hurdles were far greater for him. They each got their own letter from CAFCASS outlining the' terms'. DD never read hers.

I think if your DD can clearly show her own words and reasons she doesn't want to do overnights and holidays but she doesn't mind a midweek dinner if it doesn't interfere with her clubs type of reasons rather than her categorically saying I don't want to see him because he's horrible - then they will think alienation. Whereas if she can give solid reasons of his behaviour to her that she found difficult to handle, such as he always cries about his life, he says cruel things about the other people in my family ( not specifically you mum) and it makes me uncomfortable. It does need to come from her and not have any resemblance to what you say.

I expressed how ex laid his emotional troubles on DD shoulders and she was unable to cope and she said he makes me feel bad but I don't know why.

Try not to express no contact at all costs. This shows some bitterness

Ex has letter contact to DS but not DD. Christmas and Birthday cards and gifts are allowed via post. This is called indirect contact and in our case, the letters are checked before hand by my mum. And I have to send ex mini updates regularly. If DS wants to write back, I have to facilitate. He doesn't so far.

I feel sick reading this thread, it's awful. I'm so sorry to everyone and all the many children suffering. The corruption and misogyny is almost medieval.
I am scared as my wealthy well spoken charming abuser is taking me to court over access to our 14 year old and accusing me of alienation when it's his abuse causing them to not want to see him. Does anyone know from their experiences, will the fact my child is teenager mean they are less likely to be forced to have damaging contact against their wishes?

I don't know but hope so. Looking into this now

@SpringMum30 you get 30 days to lodge an appeal don't you?

I do have one but I didn't ask to appeal at the end of the hearing because I was honestly in shock. I've changed my mind now but not sure if it's too late. Waiting to hear from my solicitor as the barrister appointed said he would draft an appeal if I decided to go down this route.

So frustrating and disappointing!