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AIBU?

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Original poster

for giving DW an ultimatum to cut out her male friend or face separation?

189 replies

Froaway2023 · 07/04/2023 20:33

I am 43, DW is 39. We have been dating for six years and married for three and a half. She is white, I am a Egyptian Christian (will be relevant later). She does not know what MN is so, I can be frank with details.

Our issue is her male friend of 5+years. Said friend clearly has designs on my partner. In conversation he has (playfully ) confessed to a relaxed and enlightened attitude towards such adulterous relations, albeit in a more abstract context. He is also just a bit too familiar with my wife for my liking, i.e. massaging her shoulder in my presence to which she acquiesced. In the last few months, they have been spending time together i.e. dinner parties, cinema (they share interest in certain things), and other events I cannot make owing to my commitments at work and cleaning up after my alcoholic sister's mess (she has three kids I practically co-parent, they live a mile away, I am there every three days for about an hour). I began to be really bothered when, one night, whilst I was abroad for business, she locked herself out of the house and informed me that she would spend the evening at his. I objected, offering to book a hotel room instead. When she refused, I went ahead and paid, presenting her with a fait accompli. Guess what? She says oh well! Goes to his. When I remonstrated with her I was told this was not the Middle East. She was not my property. Admittedly she apologised for this and bought me gift.

Things came to ahead when on talking with said friend at a dinner party he made mention of a disease I had in early 2000s. I was astonished and hurt by the revelation that she freely shared what was for me a big burden I carried on from a dark time in my life.

This month, I booked a week off from work to recuperate. When she came home, I sat her down and gave her an ultimatum. My terms? To cut off said friend forever, or it was toast. I was off. I even showed her (admittedly fake) housing arrangements I had made should she refuse. Cue a breakdown. Cue tears. Cue apologies. She said has been her friend for 5 years and has been there for her in desperate times. She says she can have a talk with him but by no means will she cut him off.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 07/04/2023 21:53

it sounds like it might be time to call it a day

You cannot tell your partner to cut their friend off, and neither can you tell your partner they can’t stay overnight at a friend’s house. This is controlling behaviour. Faking a house you will move to when you threaten separation is manipulative.

But equally, allowing a platonic opposite sex friend to massage your shoulder in front of a husband who you know isn’t keen on him is disrespectful.

What’s telling is you don’t talk about you and your wife’s relationship at all. Do you get on when you spend time together? Do you like and love her?

You need to either call it a day or have some serious talks - and probably counselling. You will have to accept it isn’t all your wife’s fault if you try this route. Apart from the above, I am guessing she will have some complaints about the amount of time your sister sucks from you.

Don’t let this go on and on - get to a conclusion.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/04/2023 21:53

Your wife has made it clear where her loyalty lies, and it isn't with you. This man is not just her "friend", and his and her behaviour has been totally unacceptable.

She's playing you for a fool. Keep your dignity, stop making stupid threats, and just end this sham of a marriage.

FrostyFifi · 07/04/2023 21:46

Oh mate she is taking the piss right out of you. Utter lack of respect towards your relationship.

If you'd posted as a woman you'd have got completely different responses and less borderline racism.

DHsPoorBack · 07/04/2023 21:46

Wtf am I reading?

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. On what planet are these posters existing where this man massages your wife while she laps it up, in front of you... And you're the bad guy?!

The booking the hotel room was not controlling. At all. She conveniently at a time when you were abroad, locked herself out. And the only solution she was interested in, was staying at his. You simply gave her a perfectly acceptable alternative, yet she chose to sleep over at "massage man's". She then deflects and quite disgustingly attacks your culture, because she can't think of another reason why she can't use the hotel. I bet her keys miraculously turned up, no locksmith was needed.

No respectful, honest, decent partner, male or female, would behave like this.

suzyscat · 07/04/2023 21:45

Yeah you guys just need to break up. Nothing about any of this is healthy.

MrsCarson · 07/04/2023 21:41

Cosmos123 · 07/04/2023 21:00

I agree she is not your property but she is also being disrespectful.

Allowing her friend to massage her is just so bizarre.

Her sharing your personal health issues is disgusting.

I think you will be happier going separate ways.

I agree with this.
I would never spend time and throw the friendship in the face of my Dh if the friend was openly making overtures of wanting an affair and interfering with my marriage.
She is being disrespectful of your feelings, but threats are not the way forward.
Time to move out and dissolve this marriage.

gamerchick · 07/04/2023 21:41

Why are so many threads atm with 'guess what?' in the middle of them?

You both sound as bad as each other. Don't threaten to dump if it's just for manipulation and control. Just get on with it and go your seperate ways.

BHRK · 07/04/2023 21:36

Well done for helping with your sister’s kids, what a lovely uncle.
you don’t own your wife and you can’t choose her friends however it’s unacceptable for him to be massaging her, discussing possible affairs and for her to Be spending the night at his house.
she doesn’t have to cut him off completely but you do need to tell her she has to prove to you by her behaviour that nothing is going on between them

Tandora · 07/04/2023 21:36

Your behaviour is controlling , abusive and manipulative. YABU.

lmao at the idea that you are “coparenting” children you see for a hour every three days. What do you suppose is happening for them the other 165.5 hours in a week?

TrishM80 · 07/04/2023 21:35

She's taking you for a mug, mate.

And to make it worse, this isn't some school friend she's known for 20 years, your timeliness suggest she only met him after you two began dating.

Your biggest mistake on this thread was admitting to being a man, you were never gonna get a fair hearing after that.

Original poster
Froaway2023 · 07/04/2023 21:31

An hour doesnt include the constant phone calls and school meetings. Or bailing the elder one out of jail. Or trying to keep him our of gangs. The hour there includes getting them to shower (they dont do so frequently) hissy fits etc.

OP posts:
cato40 · 07/04/2023 21:29

Hi, similar situation. I am white and he was the respectful asian guy with high family values and standards that white people.don't hold! He run away with his south asian 'friend' and I was being unreasonable crazy, because of course south asians don't cheat hand have ztrong family values! Sorry your wife has plans or at least an interest in him. Totally unreasonable to go for a sleepover at her male friend's house. It is not a matter of if but when for you, sorry you deserve better.

Mummynew08 · 07/04/2023 21:29

Mummynew08 · 07/04/2023 21:21

I get you, OP.

I'm from abroad too. If I was having an argument with my DH and he said, in the argument, "but we're not in [your home country]" I'd be utterly furious. It would be disrespectful to my heritage. She should have made coherent arguments based on logic etc rather than just a vague dig at your origin. I mean, fine to disagree about something as long as you reason it out. But the way she did it sounds prejudiced and rude

The more I think about it, it's even worse than that. It's lumping together the while middle east in a prejudiced way when there are lots of different cultures and norms. It would be like my DH saying to me "we aren't in Asia" in a scornful way during an argument. I'm from one certain part of Asia yes but that doesn't determine all my opinions or behaviour.

So yeah... yanbu

Original poster
Froaway2023 · 07/04/2023 21:29

Because I'm a the 6th of 7th in a typical coptic Egyptian middle class household ie a born pushover who despite my large frame, regular boxing and mandatory military service, systematically avoids confrontation. I am tired of my calm demeanour being used as license to abuse me. I've even fallen with my next door neighbours over their trees encroaching on my shed.

OP posts:
rampila · 07/04/2023 21:29

She's having an affair. But you're trying to manipulate and control her. Booking her a room when she says not to? Threatening to leave and showing fake documents? Unbelievable. If she's so dreadful, then leave. She'll thank you, you'll be happy.

Scoobydoobydoobydoo0987 · 07/04/2023 21:26

For context, I'm a British woman in my 30s, and I agree with you, OP. It's not acceptable behaviour, considering the friend has made it perfectly clear his intentions. Your wife chose to be married and committed to you, to love and respect you and you her also. She should value your feelings. I don't believe she can not have friends, but this type of friend and this scenario is going to do more harm than good. I don't blame you for giving her an ultimatum, and if she won't choose, then you know where her loyalties lie. Good luck!

Goldenbear · 07/04/2023 21:26

I am pretty sure I wouldn't be happy about this but interesting how she got upset about the property, it sounds like she still loves you. My DH would probably feel the same as you as would many of his friends, they would all describe themselves as liberal men, all in typical middle class jobs where they are mostly rational, reasonable and respectful but there's only one I can think of that may be ok about it, most would be vocal about their upset.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/04/2023 21:25

...owing to my commitments at work and cleaning up after my alcoholic sister's mess (she has three kids I practically co-parent, they live a mile away, I am there every three days for about an hour).

First of all, you spend an hour every three days with these kids, that is not "practically co-parenting." FFS.

Secondly, your marriage is doomed. End it now before you do something stupid like having a baby.

Thoughtful2355 · 07/04/2023 21:24

yanbu

Mummynew08 · 07/04/2023 21:21

I get you, OP.

I'm from abroad too. If I was having an argument with my DH and he said, in the argument, "but we're not in [your home country]" I'd be utterly furious. It would be disrespectful to my heritage. She should have made coherent arguments based on logic etc rather than just a vague dig at your origin. I mean, fine to disagree about something as long as you reason it out. But the way she did it sounds prejudiced and rude

Northernsouloldies · 07/04/2023 21:21

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PinkiOcelot · 07/04/2023 21:20

Puppalicious · 07/04/2023 20:52

I can’t believe how different the responses to you are compared to what they would be if this was a woman posting about her DH having her shoulder massaged, staying over in his female friends house, telling her very personal info etc…

Me neither. It would be all get your ducks in a row blah blah blah.

Double standards.

Original poster
Froaway2023 · 07/04/2023 21:18

They did spend the night together. Why else would I book a hotel? That was a red line as the bloke is single.

OP posts:
Original poster
Froaway2023 · 07/04/2023 21:17

The property is issue was a racist red herring. I am a pretty liberal Orthodox Copt, raised by secular mother and a atheist communist father (of palestinian extraction). Religion is Christmas and funerals.

OP posts:
Bivarb · 07/04/2023 21:16

YANBU I would not be happy at all if my husband had a female friend who massaged him, flirted with him and slept at her house. I would consider it an emotional affair and would either give him the same ultimatum or just leave him. I'm all for having friends of opposite sexes but this would be too far.

I bet none of the posters giving you a hard time would be happy in your situation either.

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