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AIBU?

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Original poster

for giving DW an ultimatum to cut out her male friend or face separation?

189 replies

Froaway2023 · 07/04/2023 20:33

I am 43, DW is 39. We have been dating for six years and married for three and a half. She is white, I am a Egyptian Christian (will be relevant later). She does not know what MN is so, I can be frank with details.

Our issue is her male friend of 5+years. Said friend clearly has designs on my partner. In conversation he has (playfully ) confessed to a relaxed and enlightened attitude towards such adulterous relations, albeit in a more abstract context. He is also just a bit too familiar with my wife for my liking, i.e. massaging her shoulder in my presence to which she acquiesced. In the last few months, they have been spending time together i.e. dinner parties, cinema (they share interest in certain things), and other events I cannot make owing to my commitments at work and cleaning up after my alcoholic sister's mess (she has three kids I practically co-parent, they live a mile away, I am there every three days for about an hour). I began to be really bothered when, one night, whilst I was abroad for business, she locked herself out of the house and informed me that she would spend the evening at his. I objected, offering to book a hotel room instead. When she refused, I went ahead and paid, presenting her with a fait accompli. Guess what? She says oh well! Goes to his. When I remonstrated with her I was told this was not the Middle East. She was not my property. Admittedly she apologised for this and bought me gift.

Things came to ahead when on talking with said friend at a dinner party he made mention of a disease I had in early 2000s. I was astonished and hurt by the revelation that she freely shared what was for me a big burden I carried on from a dark time in my life.

This month, I booked a week off from work to recuperate. When she came home, I sat her down and gave her an ultimatum. My terms? To cut off said friend forever, or it was toast. I was off. I even showed her (admittedly fake) housing arrangements I had made should she refuse. Cue a breakdown. Cue tears. Cue apologies. She said has been her friend for 5 years and has been there for her in desperate times. She says she can have a talk with him but by no means will she cut him off.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
DHsPoorBack · 07/04/2023 22:34

Tandora · 07/04/2023 22:08

this is bonkers. If she was going behind his back- he was out of town for gods sake- why would she even need to invent a story about locking herself out and informing him in advance where she was sleeping. Totally nonsensical.

And this is a friend. Not a “fuck buddy”. You clearly have a wild imagination and jealousy issues.

Show quote history

Methinks you are a tad naive.

Why would she need to invent a story?

So that when OP called the house and couldn't get hold of her, she had a cover story.

So that when the neighbours/friends who randomly called by and noticed she wasn't home, and could potentially refer to it in front of her husband, she had a cover story.

If something weird happened, and she wasn't at home (burglars generally target an empty house) she had a cover story.

Malarandras · 07/04/2023 22:33

Ultimatums are not part of a healthy marriage, none of the behaviour from either of you is really. It sounds like your marriage is over and you both need to move on. The sooner the better.

CKL987 · 07/04/2023 22:33

I can see why you are uncomfortable with the friendship and I think your wife has crossed boundaries that women on here would be very unhappy about if their husbands did the same. However, I do not think you are approaching the situation in the best way you could. Threatening never ends well. I would suggest you ask your wife to attend couples counselling so you can discuss this with them. The counsellor should help you both understand each other's point of view and hopefully you can come to a place where you are both happy.

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 07/04/2023 22:30

I am glad you have given her an ultimatum. She will be so much happier without you.

oachkatzl · 07/04/2023 22:27

A lot of weird answers on this thread. MN doesn't really seem fit for purpose any more.
Of course it's not ok for your wife's friend to be massaging her shoulders in front of you, spending an increasing amount of time together, sharing information about your health. It's approaching emotional affair territory if it isn't there already. Staying at his house is off too. It's important that people in a marriage have their own friends, but there also needs to be boundaries in place too and she's straying very close to the line.
However, you should not have booked the hotel and presented it as a "fait accompli" as you say, especially after she had refused. That's controlling and will be why she reacted as she did and said she's not your property - which she isn't.
Also presenting her with fake accommodation details when making the ultimatum also wasn't honest.

Basically, there is no trust here any more and the marriage is in deep trouble. You probably aren't compatible because you have very different views on what is and isn't acceptable.
You don't trust her and she's not giving up her friend. So what are you going to do about it?

gobbyshafto · 07/04/2023 22:23

No idea why you think that . I’ve read all of them.

So why do you think op is in the wrong here?

Op should accept his wife disrespecting him and sharing his private information and having a frankly weird and inappropriate friendship, and that's being mild.

It's an emotional affair. Let me guess, if they share a bed and sleep together, she's also not OP's property and it's his fault. He should accept it and not be so controlling.

Do some people just live drama and winding the op up since this is all anon?

Fairislefandango · 07/04/2023 22:21

I can’t believe how different the responses to you are compared to what they would be if this was a woman posting about her DH having her shoulder massaged, staying over in his female friends house, telling her very personal info etc…

I often disagree on threads when posters say 'Responses would be totally different if the OP were a woman posting about her husband', but in this case it's true. You are not being unreasonable, OP. Your wife is absolutely taking the piss.

Stillcountingbeans · 07/04/2023 22:19

YABU for giving her an ultimatum.
Just end it if you are not happy, no ultimatum is needed or justified.
Ultimatums are at root about trying to control someone - it is not dignified of you to put yourself in this position.
Just end it.

Tandora · 07/04/2023 22:08

DHsPoorBack · 07/04/2023 22:03

Indeed, there's absolutely nothing wrong with accidentally locking yourself out of your house when your husband is conveniently out of the country, so you can go and sleep in the bed house of the man who has stated an adulterous relationship with you would be great, and you fawn about letting him massage you in front of your husband.

I mean, if you told your husband you were off to stay at your fuck buddies, while he was out of the country, and he said "no please stay at a hotel, I'll pay for it" then of course the husband is the prick in the situation, for going against your determination to shag behind his back.

Show quote history

this is bonkers. If she was going behind his back- he was out of town for gods sake- why would she even need to invent a story about locking herself out and informing him in advance where she was sleeping. Totally nonsensical.

And this is a friend. Not a “fuck buddy”. You clearly have a wild imagination and jealousy issues.

JudgeRudy · 07/04/2023 22:06

She likes her friend more than you and she will not 'give him up' because you demand it. I don't think she is having a physical affair with him but boundaries have been crossed. You say you think he has designs on her but I bet he wouldn't want her with children in tow.
Staying at his house sounds odd however if she was with him at his when she rang you I can I understsnd her staying. I'd need to hear the whole conversation but if she'd said No I'm fine, I'm with Friend and you said Well you had better not be, I'd be annoyed and would not 'obey' you.
Ultimately you need to work on your marriage. Why is she do close to this man? This isn't an old college/family friend from before marriage is it? Whatever he is, blackmail won't work.
Do you love her?

Luredbyapomegranate · 07/04/2023 22:05

IVFfirsttimer91 · 07/04/2023 22:00

YANBU, there are obviously reasons that you are uncomfortable with her behaviour towards him and his towards her. I’d be really upset if my partner behaved like this.

I think the responses you’d get from the people saying you are being controlling etc would be wildly different if this was posted by a woman about her husband.

I don’t think they would be different. They are both behaving badly. The OP is controlling, the OP’s wife is disrespectful. They are clearly unhappy and need to call it a day. Most people have said this, and would also say this if the sexes were reversed.

matis · 07/04/2023 22:04

Don't waste your time on fake housing options and stuff. Just leave. You're not happy. And the ultimatum is also a waste of time.

DHsPoorBack · 07/04/2023 22:03

Tandora · 07/04/2023 21:57

What do you mean it’s not controlling, and he “simply gave her a perfectly acceptable alternative”?!
she already told him where she was staying and it wasn’t in a hotel. Booking the hotel against her express wishes was highly controlling and manipulative behaviour: she’s an adult and entitled to make her own decisions about where she stays. Nothing weird or wrong whatsoever about choosing to stay in with a friend rather than in a hotel.

Show quote history

Indeed, there's absolutely nothing wrong with accidentally locking yourself out of your house when your husband is conveniently out of the country, so you can go and sleep in the bed house of the man who has stated an adulterous relationship with you would be great, and you fawn about letting him massage you in front of your husband.

I mean, if you told your husband you were off to stay at your fuck buddies, while he was out of the country, and he said "no please stay at a hotel, I'll pay for it" then of course the husband is the prick in the situation, for going against your determination to shag behind his back.

JohnnyYenSetHimselfOnFireAgain · 07/04/2023 22:03

As other PPs have said, if you'd been a wife and had posted exactly the same thing about your husband then you would have received some very different replies. The utter hypocrisy on MN is sickening sometimes.

Best of luck, OP.

Cosmos123 · 07/04/2023 22:03

You will 100% happier out of this relationship.

You will be miserable and deeply unhappy also unable to trust if you remain.

Life is too short. There is someone out there who will be your soul mate.

She isn't that person and nor are you hers.

WALK AWAY DONT WASTE EMOTIONALLY ENERGY ON THIS RELATIONSHIP.

YOU ARE WASTING YOUR PRCIOUS YEARS OF YOUR LIFE.

It will be best for you both.

She won't change and nor will you.

Tandora · 07/04/2023 22:02

gobbyshafto · 07/04/2023 22:00

Nothing weird or wrong whatsoever about choosing to stay in with a friend rather than in a hotel.

I think we can safely disregard your opinion as you haven't read the OP's posts. At all.

No idea why you think that . I’ve read all of them.

HelloNetMums · 07/04/2023 22:00

I'd leave, there's no way this behaviour is acceptable! She should at least be telling her friend he is overstepping boundaries!

gobbyshafto · 07/04/2023 22:00

Nothing weird or wrong whatsoever about choosing to stay in with a friend rather than in a hotel.

I think we can safely disregard your opinion as you haven't read the OP's posts. At all.

RatSlave · 07/04/2023 22:00

If you were a woman posting by now you would have been informed your partner is having an emotional affair and you need to leave or at least consider relationship counselling.

IVFfirsttimer91 · 07/04/2023 22:00

YANBU, there are obviously reasons that you are uncomfortable with her behaviour towards him and his towards her. I’d be really upset if my partner behaved like this.

I think the responses you’d get from the people saying you are being controlling etc would be wildly different if this was posted by a woman about her husband.

Tandora · 07/04/2023 21:57

DHsPoorBack · 07/04/2023 21:46

Wtf am I reading?

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. On what planet are these posters existing where this man massages your wife while she laps it up, in front of you... And you're the bad guy?!

The booking the hotel room was not controlling. At all. She conveniently at a time when you were abroad, locked herself out. And the only solution she was interested in, was staying at his. You simply gave her a perfectly acceptable alternative, yet she chose to sleep over at "massage man's". She then deflects and quite disgustingly attacks your culture, because she can't think of another reason why she can't use the hotel. I bet her keys miraculously turned up, no locksmith was needed.

No respectful, honest, decent partner, male or female, would behave like this.

What do you mean it’s not controlling, and he “simply gave her a perfectly acceptable alternative”?!
she already told him where she was staying and it wasn’t in a hotel. Booking the hotel against her express wishes was highly controlling and manipulative behaviour: she’s an adult and entitled to make her own decisions about where she stays. Nothing weird or wrong whatsoever about choosing to stay in with a friend rather than in a hotel.

SwordToFlamethrower · 07/04/2023 21:55

Your problem is trust. You don't trust her, therefore you've got nothing.

Justalittlebitduckling · 07/04/2023 21:54

I think you’ve both behaved badly. Match made in hell.

2chocolateoranges · 07/04/2023 21:54

She’s taking you for a mug, how would she feel if a female friend was as close to you as she is to him or if you stayed over night at a woman’s house,I’m sure she would be livid!

no she isn’t your property but it’s called respect in a relationship and boundaries should be in place.

strawberry2017 · 07/04/2023 21:53

Her behaviour isn't appropriate. A married women spending that much time with another man isn't right.
She's right she isn't your property but YANBU to be upset by her behaviour.

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