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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for giving DW an ultimatum to cut out her male friend or face separation?

189 replies

Froaway2023 · 07/04/2023 20:33

I am 43, DW is 39. We have been dating for six years and married for three and a half. She is white, I am a Egyptian Christian (will be relevant later). She does not know what MN is so, I can be frank with details.

Our issue is her male friend of 5+years. Said friend clearly has designs on my partner. In conversation he has (playfully ) confessed to a relaxed and enlightened attitude towards such adulterous relations, albeit in a more abstract context. He is also just a bit too familiar with my wife for my liking, i.e. massaging her shoulder in my presence to which she acquiesced. In the last few months, they have been spending time together i.e. dinner parties, cinema (they share interest in certain things), and other events I cannot make owing to my commitments at work and cleaning up after my alcoholic sister's mess (she has three kids I practically co-parent, they live a mile away, I am there every three days for about an hour). I began to be really bothered when, one night, whilst I was abroad for business, she locked herself out of the house and informed me that she would spend the evening at his. I objected, offering to book a hotel room instead. When she refused, I went ahead and paid, presenting her with a fait accompli. Guess what? She says oh well! Goes to his. When I remonstrated with her I was told this was not the Middle East. She was not my property. Admittedly she apologised for this and bought me gift.

Things came to ahead when on talking with said friend at a dinner party he made mention of a disease I had in early 2000s. I was astonished and hurt by the revelation that she freely shared what was for me a big burden I carried on from a dark time in my life.

This month, I booked a week off from work to recuperate. When she came home, I sat her down and gave her an ultimatum. My terms? To cut off said friend forever, or it was toast. I was off. I even showed her (admittedly fake) housing arrangements I had made should she refuse. Cue a breakdown. Cue tears. Cue apologies. She said has been her friend for 5 years and has been there for her in desperate times. She says she can have a talk with him but by no means will she cut him off.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 09/04/2023 11:26

Froaway2023 · 07/04/2023 21:11

Thank you. Amazing how the concept of boundaries become non-existent for Mumsnetters. I get the feeling some of these are constantly weighing up their options so they can bail when the chance arises. What make it even worse is I cut our a female friend after she hinted at being jealous (i.e. putting her down in her absence).

Honestly? I think your marriage is dead in the water

JimnJoyce · 09/04/2023 11:12

Are you my ex husband?

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 09/04/2023 01:58

You probably are not compatible as a couple, you have different morals. You are both allowed to have deal breakers and from here it appears to be be a stalemate. Good luck.

nomoremerlot · 09/04/2023 01:34

YANBU

Pseudonamed · 08/04/2023 20:36

YANBU

your wife is.

EggBlanket · 08/04/2023 20:12

Puppalicious · 07/04/2023 20:52

I can’t believe how different the responses to you are compared to what they would be if this was a woman posting about her DH having her shoulder massaged, staying over in his female friends house, telling her very personal info etc…

Completely agree. If this was someone’s husband everyone would be outraged at their behaviour.

OP, there’s something very suspicious about your wife locking herself out of the house while you were away. It sounds very convenient. And insisting on staying at her male friends house despite the offer of a hotel is odd.

What’s also odd is you pretending to have made other housing arrangements as part of an ultimatum. It sounds like you need to have a grown up, honest conversation without playing games.

AprilFool23 · 08/04/2023 20:01

It's great that you have no kids together.

I'd just get rid of her.

You can do better.

(As for dropping your female friends - you shouldn't have had to have done that; as long as you were acting appropriately towards them. She is not acting appropriately with him - massages in front of you, him relaying he's up for cheating with attached women, her telling him vulnerable, personal info about you, etc).

ChristmasFluff · 08/04/2023 13:02

You've given your ultimatum and she's chosen her friend.

You now have to follow through and end the marriage.

That's the thing with ultimatums - if you do it as a control tactic rather than only when you genuinely face a deal-breaker, your control tactic fails completely the first time the person you are trying to control doesn't agree to your terms, yet you still stay.

So - was it a control tactic or a deal-breaker? YOU decide!

JohnnyYenSetHimselfOnFireAgain · 08/04/2023 11:42

Butteralwaysmeltsaway · 08/04/2023 01:03

Only read your comments OP and totally agree. Your wife's behaviour is appalling and totally disrespectful and you were quite right to give an ultimatum.

I guess by your responses, the MNet brigade are out in force claiming 'controlling and abusive behaviour' all BECAUSE YOU ARE A MAN POSTING. If it were a woman of course the stock response is to lawyer up and contact woman's Aid. Totally double standards and one of the very reasons I'm almost done with this forum, where it seems males are always to blame, yet women, (particularly OW) are merely poor innocent parties to behave and trample on others in any way they see fit....unfortunately as your wife is doing to you. Are you sure she's not a member of MN?

I can sense your frustration in your post but by your wife's response, sadly her priorities are anywhere else but on you and the marriage so I wouldn't waste another minute on her. You can't and shouldn't be trying to control her. You can only control your response to her shitty behaviour. I'd also suggest doing the 360°, grey rock approach for your own sanity.

You say very little about your finances and work situation, but I'd start getting your ducks in a row, relevant paperwork together and seek the services of a good divorce lawyer to protect your assets.

I'd suggest seeking support from these organisations:
https://mensadviceline.org.uk/
https://www.mensaid.co.uk/
https://www.mankind.org.uk/

Good luck OP and all the best.

This, with bells and whistles on.

OP, please ignore the anti-men brigade on here. Best of luck.

SkyandSurf · 08/04/2023 10:55

Why do people stay and stomp their feet and demand they are right in a bad situation.

Just leave. It doesn't matter who is 'right', there are no prizes or medals being awarded.

You don't trust each other. You're bringing out the worst in you.

Break up. Wish her well. Move on.

You won't ever get the validation you're seeking.

FloydPepper · 08/04/2023 10:12

Froaway2023 · 08/04/2023 02:33

It is a tough time. I have no kids. Emotionally I am finished (no self harm, etc nothing weird like) but I have packed everything and am looking to move my business elsewhere. I am considering getting my sister away from her kids (into some temp recovery facility) and taking over rearing her younger ones.

But Thanks for being understanding. Gaslighting men is a real problem on this forum. Do i have to find his p in my wife for me to have a case

Even then, some posters would find a way to make that your fault. Try and ignore the extremists.

most people understand your position, and support you. Yes there are bits you could have handled better but it’s upsetting to be treated the way you have.

LakieLady · 08/04/2023 09:00

You are fundamentally incompatible imo. She wants a level of autonomy that you find unacceptable, and she finds that controlling (as wouold FWIW).

The marriage is doomed and the sooner you put it out of its misery the better.

Planesmistakenforstars · 08/04/2023 08:54

YANBU. I don't think you handled it that well, with the ultimatum and fake documents, but you seem at the end of your tether with it, and that's fair. I don't think this is about having a problem with your partner having a good friend of the opposite sex, it's about him deliberately pushing boundaries and your DW letting him. She is disrespecting you and your relationship, as is he. And the sharing of a medical issue on her part is really awful. If she cannot see a problem with any of what she's done, or let him do, then you are better off without her.

Tandora · 08/04/2023 08:53

Froaway2023 · 08/04/2023 01:54

You are right. When does want to f her, I should buy the condoms. After all, we cannot have such Middle Eastern customs as objecting to being cucked in front of ones own eyes

This is disgusting. Please don’t come on a women’s site and throw about this kind of misogyny.

TirisfalPumpkin · 08/04/2023 08:48

It’s normal to have opposite sex friends but this sounds like (at least) an emotional affair.(also 30s female Brit and I’ve got experience of living in the Middle East - some things are different, some are sadly the same everywhere)

I’d cut ties as you’re not compatible and she’s cheating on you. Setting ultimatums or offering a fait accompli rarely works, people are going to do what they want to do. It sounds as though she has made her choice.

your sis is lucky to have your support with her kids. Good luck.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 08/04/2023 08:15

Op mentioned his cultural and national heritage because it made sense of the comment his wife flung at him when he wanted her to change what she was doing.

Op, I'm sorry your getting some biased answers, but your wife does seem to be having an emotional affair at least and I would be expressing all the same concerns you are.

Why shouldn't op come to Mumsnet despite there being mens forums available (as a scornful pp said), he's in distress and is trying to sense check it against a cohort of people who might share a similar profile to his wife in terms of their world view/life experience.

psychDr · 08/04/2023 07:48

Bivarb · 07/04/2023 21:16

YANBU I would not be happy at all if my husband had a female friend who massaged him, flirted with him and slept at her house. I would consider it an emotional affair and would either give him the same ultimatum or just leave him. I'm all for having friends of opposite sexes but this would be too far.

I bet none of the posters giving you a hard time would be happy in your situation either.

Yep.

psychDr · 08/04/2023 07:48

Scoobydoobydoobydoo0987 · 07/04/2023 21:26

For context, I'm a British woman in my 30s, and I agree with you, OP. It's not acceptable behaviour, considering the friend has made it perfectly clear his intentions. Your wife chose to be married and committed to you, to love and respect you and you her also. She should value your feelings. I don't believe she can not have friends, but this type of friend and this scenario is going to do more harm than good. I don't blame you for giving her an ultimatum, and if she won't choose, then you know where her loyalties lie. Good luck!

Yep. Also a British woman in my 30s and I agree with this.

OP is not BU at all.

Lex345 · 08/04/2023 07:28

It doesn't really matter what a bunch of randoms on here think. YOU are not happy with it, you have told your wife this and she has not taken that on board. Its your relationship and she has clearly crossed your red line.

Would I be happy if my husband behaved like your wife has? Absolutely not! I would be more annoyed and upset that my point of view was being disregarded.

That being said, you cannot control or force people to do what you want them to, either. All you can do is say "I want better than this for myself" and leave.

Fantasmagoricalan · 08/04/2023 06:58

PinkiOcelot · 07/04/2023 21:20

Me neither. It would be all get your ducks in a row blah blah blah.

Double standards.

Show quote history

Weird isn’t it? Never really worth posting as a bloke on here.

vernonb · 08/04/2023 05:38

Man or a Women, no difference here.
In a nutshell the OPs partner is having an emotional affair.
Also irrelevant point on fake or no fake housing arrangements. The point is that OP is desperate and feel hurt by their partners lack of sensitivity generally.
OP - few questions before separating to consider:
Did you tell your partner how you feel about the 'friend'?
Did you specifically address touching, sleep over and too much time together?
Did you set your expectations clearly? Were they dismissed?
Do you love your partner? How much are you willing to fight for this relationship?
Is there a will and a way to see a marriage counselor?
Separating may be inevitable if the partner don't come to the table addressing seriously and with respect how you feel.
There will need to be some adjustments in the current interactions between partner and friend which must work for you and partner.
If the choice is no compromise from the partner side then it confirms what you already suspect that is happening.
Sorry you are going through this OP. It's tough and hurtful. My sympathy is with you.

glowyhighway · 08/04/2023 05:21

YANBU. Yes sorry OP, if you were a woman, or possibly a white man, this thread would have gone very differently.

Jux · 08/04/2023 04:01

I have quite a lot of male friends and yes, I have kipped at their places on occasion. I am capable of being platonic friends with a bloke whether he's interested in me or not. I am married, have been for 25+ years. DH trusts me, quite rightly. I would never be unfaithful.

Your issue is trust. You need to think hard about why you don't trust your dw and whether that's fair. It may a problem stemming from you or it might be stemming from your wife, but you need to look hard and get it sorted.

I know you're on the way out, but it's perhaps not quite too late for reconciliation?

DeeCeeCherry · 08/04/2023 03:06

If a woman posted this about her husband she'd be told he was a cheat. Replies to you are mostly biased because you are a man. Give her the ultimatum if you want to. Her behaviour is unacceptable. If she chooses her friend, then let her go. Don't be a fool for someone who assumes she can have her cake and eat it.

YDBear · 08/04/2023 03:01

“And this is a friend. Not a “fuck buddy”. You clearly have a wild imagination and jealousy issues.”

Yep, just a friend, like the old Biz Markie song.

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