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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel like I regret IVF....

192 replies

Wobblyheart · 31/03/2023 11:17

Hi everyone,

I am posting here for traffic because I am feeling so hopeless and sad. I haven’t got family or close friends near and i would appreciate any words of encouragement.

I am 36 years old and we wanted a baby for a very long time - been married since I was 27 and actively trying since I was 30. It was just not working. I would never ever had a pregnancy, be it chemical or miscarriage. We tried ivf and the two first attempts were unsuccessfull with BFN. The process was so drawn out because of the pandemic and it made things very difficult. I have the most amazing husband in the world and he wanted a baby so much I always felt like I was broken (both our labs were fine but my body just wasn’t getting pregnant). I was so surprised and happy when for the first time in my life I saw double lines after our third ivf attempt. I had a different protocol then with more progesterone.

what followed next was an extremely anxious pregnancy, slight issues with baby’s kidney was found on 20 week scan, then stalled growth, then reduced movements, then dramatic birth where there were some concerns about oxygen but the doctor reassured us they were not concerned after doing checks. Strange things started to happen to my health too but I blamed it all on pregnancy.

my beautiful boy was born, and the moment they put him on me for feeding changed my world forever. It was the most magical and happy day of my life. First couple weeks were a bliss. After that postnatal anxiety took hold and my physical health deteriorated considerably in the next following months.

fastforward to now, I have serious concerns about my baby’s development. He was late to hold his head - only started doing it around 4-5 months, and now at 6 months his social skills seem to deteriorate. He gives very limited eye contact, turns away from me and other people, does not always respond with a smile, it’s hard to get his attention. He seems to get frustrated with everything very easily. Terrible sleeper, does not get upset if I leave him and walk out from the room. Makes lots of sounds / screams bu not at me but just sort of in his own world. Constantly needs to move, slaps and flaps his hands, feet, squeezes and scratches everything all the time, even when feeding. I read similar posts on here and was disheartened how many times children with these traits went on to be diagnosed with ASD.

meanwhile, I am currently awaiting testing for a potential MND/ neurological disease and really worry that our life can change very dramatically. My husband does not deserve it. My heart is breaking for my son, I am worried about a difficult and terminal illness. And my mind can’t stop but race and think .... did we do a right thing doing ivf. Did we go against the nature and I was never meant to have a child? Did I bring more suffering to this world? My beautiful boy is just so innocent and he is the most bonny baby, and I feel like I might have potentially ruined his and my husbands lives.

i know nothing has been confirmed yet but I am on the verge and really struggling, both physically and mentally.

if anyone has been through something similar, I would appreciate if they reached out. Any positive stories would be very welcomed so I can retain at least some hope and not just sink deeper into the dark abyss.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wobblyheart · 31/03/2023 22:00

@Worldgonecrazy thanj you for the suggestion, it’s a really good one. I am not sure I am clicking with my current counsellor so it might be worth exploring other avenues if I am not making progress

OP posts:
Original poster
Wobblyheart · 31/03/2023 21:59

@Sugargliderwombat i do - we had a really lovely NCT group but I stopped going to meet ups as I just find it very difficult not to compare. I am feeling guilty that I haven’t been exposing him to more social interactions but with my health currently I find it super hard to get out, even a 40 minute walk with a pram exhausts me to a quite a state.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wobblyheart · 31/03/2023 21:55

Just wanted to say as well that i found replies here - and I appreciate everyone who reassured me -far more helpful than the counselling I have been having. I found the range of perspectives very helpful, and I am open to all of them. Be it whether my baby having any problems or not, I will love him as fiercely as I can. Both my partner and I are also the only siblings in our families to have a child - so my boy is the first and only grandchild to our parents, (which always added so much pressure!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Wobblyheart · 31/03/2023 21:48

@danni0509 I am so so so sorry to hear how hard your path to motherhood has been and can relate to so much of what you said, especially about not having a straightforward pregnancy and birth. I have never had a miscarriage and could only imagine how awful it must have been. But going through that four times is just soul crushing. I feel for you and so sorry about your sons diagnosis. As it wasn’t cruel enough to endure what you already have. So effing unfair.

thank you for speaking honestly about your experience.... when i had my concerns about my DS very early on as he was not holding his head at all, my husband was always positive and i could not understand how he wasn’t scared of possibilities. He shared with me that he would never stop loving his son no matter what and will deal with whatever is needed to be dealt with. That life is not always happy. Moreover, we all guaranteed some degree of challenges and losses and it’s just part of life. And even if things become
difficult, there could still be place for happiness.

i also know exactly what you mean by wondering whether we were meant to be mothers. But today, thanks to so many replies on this thread (and especially @SkaterBrained , @InvisibleMe2 , @2bazookas , @LittleLegsKeepGoing , @Wherewithout , @MindatWork) I can see that ivf was just our path, and we would have walked it anyway. And that many babies are born with various problems to healthy parents naturally. So Ivf is not the blame and being in that moment, trying for a baby and wanting to have a baby for so long I would always have made the same decision. Because we don’t know in advance what we don’t know.

sorry for the rant, i am an emotional mess today but feeling stronger for all the support here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wobblyheart · 31/03/2023 21:18

@Jellycats4life thank you for your kind message. And you are right, things are really tough right now. I did reach out to our health visitors today actually and it was helpful. They ran a quick assessment on the phone and some things are not quite where they are expecting them to be but it could just be that he is developing in his own time. They will follow up with us in a month’s time to see how we will be getting on.

OP posts:
Jellycats4life · 31/03/2023 17:28

Why is it, every time someone posts with worries about autism, people trip over themselves to say it’s totally average and totally normal?

OP, I’m sorry you’ve had such a shit time, and I can really understand why you now feel you didn’t sign up for any of this. I won’t reassure you about autistic traits either. Maybe your son is, maybe your son isn’t. It’s really too early to tell.

What I will say is talk to professionals if you’re worried in the future. Be open to the possibility of autism (I would say that to literally any parent) because there is nothing worse for a child than a parent in denial.

But he’s only six months old. Hard as it is, try to enjoy him as he is because they grow and change so fast.

danni0509 · 31/03/2023 17:17

I do understand your post.

I had 4 miscarriages, lost both my fallopian tubes in my 20’s and had to have ivf 3 times for my ds, had a complicated pregnancy, then a complicated birth. Nothing ever went straight forward.

Ds was born healthy, but he was diagnosed with autism when he was 3, he’s 9 now, he also has learning disabilities and adhd. Goes to specialist school.

Life is not what I expected to tell you the truth and I have thought more than once maybe it was gods way of telling me I wasn’t supposed to have children.

I wouldn’t be without my ds though, no matter how hard life is.

thegrain · 31/03/2023 16:56

I would speak to your doctor about your mental health.

Original poster
Wobblyheart · 31/03/2023 16:52

thank you so much everyone for the support, I appreciate each and every message and got properly teary reading them. And his many wise words said, I definitely feel much better about the development of my little one. I suppose I have been just spiralling. With my health issues, my brain was just jumping to the worst case scenario - of being paralysed / dying and leaving my husband with a SN child. He is the best dad and will always love him and will cope no matter what but I just hope for a brighter future for us all.

I think many of you are right and I recognise that part of how I am feeling is the PND however I do have support with it, anti anxiety medication and counselling but my physical health just scares me to a point it’s difficult to cope.

i had a tumour found in November last year and thought the way I was feeling was because I had cancer. Now biopsy returned and based on that and imaging the surgeon is confident it is a benign tumour so that rules out my other symptoms. I am working with a gp to get to the bottom of it. I started feeling that my arm were moving oddly towards the end of the pregnancy (august last year) and I was out of breath. Thought it was just one of those pregnancy things. After birth I recovered from most post birth things but started feeling worse and worse with every week. My coordination seemed to worsen, I lost some of the dexterity in my hands, feel a bit wobbly in my pelvis and knees - it sort of hard to stand and hold myself up. I am profoundly exhausted and breathless, my whole body and every part of it feels like lead, but the balance and movement sensations are just off. My bloods for vitamins, thyroid and muscle damage are all clear. My spine mri from 2021 was clear, my brain mri from last week was clear. My abdominal ultrasound clear... every test comes back as clear yet I never felt like this ever in my life. And I know it’s not anxiety because I had bad anxiety episodes before but it never left me struggling to walk or stand. I am still waiting for some autoimmune stuff to come back but losing hope. I am seeing a neurologist privately in a few weeks because I just can’t go on with waiting and worrying. I really hope that it is something that could be managed but sometimes we just know that something is wrong in our bodies. I feel something is extremely wrong but god knows I hope I am wrong.

OP posts:
SeanDanielorBalonz · 31/03/2023 16:48

From what you described, it sounds like your son is within the range of normal baby development to me. If you're very concerned then speak to your health visitor, hopefully they can put your mind at ease

Silentmama · 31/03/2023 16:23

Please go and get your vitamin levels checked - particularly vit d , b12 and folate.

They can cause anxiety - and are depleted in pregnancy.

Mirabai · 31/03/2023 16:08

iwantavuvezela · 31/03/2023 15:27

OP is clear and says that she is awaiting test for a possible diagnosis, and if it MND then that has the potential to dramatically change their lives.

OP you have so much on your plate, its no wonder your head is spinning with what ifs - i think this is almost normal - you have such a young baby and all the demands that brings to be dealing with this when you should be able to relax and enjoy these months - i'm hoping you get the tests done as soon as you can and that might help you be clear on what to do next and what is needed

Well yeah because MND is terminal. But many neurological diseases are not.

From the tenor of OP’s posts I would think post natal anxiety more likely. But she does have neurological disease they will adapt and cope.

whattodo22222 · 31/03/2023 15:43

I can only share some limited experience OP, but the constant moving, squeezing and scratching is quite normal. My baby is 10 months old and up until she was about 8 months my torso looked like I lived with angry cats. She would squeeze me with her little nails every night as I fed her to sleep. Thankfully she's outgrown it now.

Sugargliderwombat · 31/03/2023 15:32

My 6 month old is just like this OP. He's just distracted by the world around him and gets tired quickly as he's so young still. Did you do NCT or have a mum network?

iwantavuvezela · 31/03/2023 15:27

OP is clear and says that she is awaiting test for a possible diagnosis, and if it MND then that has the potential to dramatically change their lives.

OP you have so much on your plate, its no wonder your head is spinning with what ifs - i think this is almost normal - you have such a young baby and all the demands that brings to be dealing with this when you should be able to relax and enjoy these months - i'm hoping you get the tests done as soon as you can and that might help you be clear on what to do next and what is needed

Mumofspurs · 31/03/2023 15:18

I couldn’t read and run OP. it’s as if you’re taking about my son. He seemed to have all the same traits as yours at that age. BUT! My son is a happy and healthy 10 year old- although he does have something called verbal dyspraxia- the same as Chris Kamara. It has not stopped him from leading a normal life- he’s got a great group of friends, is part of lots of sports club and is happy and healthy. Good luck op. Even if your child does get a diagnosis you’re not going to love them any less x

Albiboba · 31/03/2023 14:41

Have any of your concerns actually been backed up by a medical professional?

It sounds like you could have PPD fuelled by health anxiety relating to the infertility.

So many of the things you describe sound complete normal for a 6 month old baby.

MindatWork · 31/03/2023 14:38

Op just adding another reassuring voice to the others here - we had DD after a 5 year ivf journey and really went through the mill; she was prem, spent a week in nicu, has a severe (undiagnosed) tongue tie and mild hip dysplasia which meant 2 months in a harness to sort the hip socket.

I also had severe postnatal anxiety mostly linked to her traumatic arrival and my failure to breastfeed. I spent her whole first year OBSESSED with her meeting milestones, being underweight, constantly comparing her to other babies and worrying we’d messed up in some way.

Now she’s a happy, healthy, tall 4 year old who is super talkative and never stops moving.

I promise this is your anxiety and trauma talking - give yourself a hug, take a deep breath and maybe ask for some help for your gp or speak to your DH?

Sending a hand hold and 💐

Wherewithout · 31/03/2023 14:28

I went through all sorts of horrible feelings after having IVF, that I had cheated nature and wasn’t supposed to have a baby etc. it’s such a stressful process that I think it’s natural to feel anxious and unhappy afterwards, even when you’ve eventually had a positive outcome. I had a lot of support from the perinatal mental health team - I would definitely recommend speaking to your health visitor or GP, they should be able to refer you.

LittleLegsKeepGoing · 31/03/2023 14:27

Please just pause for a moment on the worry about your son. He's still very young so everything and nothing is normal at the moment. He's discovering there's a world beyond your immediacy and processing that. Right now he's healthy, loved and being well cared for. That's honestly all he needs for now.

Right now you need to focus on your health. If the neuro teams are investigating MND that must be a huge worry. My dad had MND, so whilst I don't appreciate first hand how you're feeling, I can truly imagine the scenarios you're building in your head because I built every one imaginable when dad was diagnosed. I will say this, MND is cruel, there's no doubting that but there are some incredible stories of hope out there where people have led fulfilling lives much longer than expected. Plus the advances with research have already made one major breakthrough for a small number of patients, we can realistically hope for more in the future.

Please reach out and ask for counselling support. You need extra help right now to see through the fog of worry that is surrounding you. Also share how you're feeling with your husband.

Ultimately though, if your son wasn't meant to be here, he wouldn't be. Deep down you know that too so please stop beating yourself up for actively making him exist through IVF.

Sending you best wishes Flowers

undergroundstation · 31/03/2023 13:35

The diagnosis for MND, if that is the pathway you are on, is not that prolonged. Do you have serious reason to suspect you have it? How far through diagnosis have you got? If you/doctors do seriously suspect it, then your entire world must be shaking to its foundations. I know this path, and I send you all thoughts and strength.

ittakes2 · 31/03/2023 13:35

Please google infant reflexes not going dormant or primative reflexes not going dormant - very commonly a difficult birth is at fault and results in baby not going through some mile stones and creating autistic traits. Happened to my son who was diagnosed borderline autistic at 5 and then at 10 went through the brushing process to get his reflexes to go dormant and then at 12 we were told no signs of autism anymore.
Also please see a cranial oesto that will help him too.

lazycats · 31/03/2023 13:34

How old is he?

Dancemonkee · 31/03/2023 13:33

Hi OP. What tests are you undergoing, what are your symptoms?

I have been through tests after I developed neurological symptoms. I was scared I had MS. It was actually my anxiety and health anxiety causing the symptoms in the first place, then of course it was a downwards spiral from there. Your mindset and where you are with your thinking sounds so incredibly similar to mine at the time.

Hoping for the best for you.

1415isgreat · 31/03/2023 13:23

Hey OP no two babies are the same. Some develop earlier/later than others. I convinced myself I had an autistic DS at 7 months because the online articles told me I did. Even as he turned 1. But now he is nearly 2 he is so bubbly, picking up words and even responds to his name (something he wasn’t doing until recently and according to online articles it has to happen at 10 months!). So I would give the articles a rest, focus on developing his skills and they will join with other children at their own pace.

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