To feel like I regret IVF....

It is very unlikely that your baby has ASD - they tend to be very contented babies and it doesn't sound like your little one is. All the best xx

My heart goes out to you, OP. Although your potential diagnosis sounds serious, and well worth the worry - your post shows to me anxiety that is uncontrolled. Your baby is 6months old - this is far too young to be connecting ASD with his behaviour. All babies/toddlers/children show behaviour that could be checked on an ASD test - it’s the frequency, effect on quality of life, social abilities and so on that will give an ASD diagnoses. Again, your baby is 6months old - try to push these thoughts out of your head, until baby is 18mo+. Lots of your questions are things you will never know, such as if you went against nature etc. I can understand your link in thinking here - but you cannot allow yourself to dwell on this, as you simply will never know. It is my opinion that things don’t work like that - my own beliefs in pre-mortal life, heaven etc. tell me that this cannot be true. Please look into help for anxiety for a toolbox of things to do when your mind is spiralling. Post Natal Depression doesn’t always come straight away, it can be delayed and come in many forms, so maybe look into this as well. Most of all, i’m sorry that you are going through this. Mental anguish is so draining, I can completely validate your feelings on how this worry is all consuming!

Did we go against the nature and I was never meant to have a child?

There is no 'meant', OP! We go against nature ALL the time. If we didn't then there'd be far fewer babies and mothers alive frankly. Anyone who needs a c-section goes against nature, because in nature they simply wouldn't survive. Anyone who requires a ventouse or forceps is going against nature, in nature again, the birth would stall and both mother and baby wouldn't survive. Anyone who uses contraception is going against nature. Anyone who takes paracetamol is going against nature. Anyone who uses formula is going against nature, because in nature only some mammals produce adequate milk and only their babies would have a chance of survival.

Science is a wonderful thing and there's no 'meant to' or 'not meant to'. And if there were? Clearly you were meant to become a parent because you are one and IVF worked! So clearly if someone believes in destiny, your destiny was to be here now with your lovely son.

I went against nature and was never meant to bring a living baby home because my body couldn't make enough milk to sustain him, and I'm so glad we did go against nature. Nature is cruel and brutal.

I can't tell you if your child has ASD. He may be a late developer, he may be a poor sleeper. Nobody can tell or diagnose from a MN post.

As the parent of a child with ASD, I will say this. There risk factors for autism are hugely varied and complex. Nobody has pinned down definitively exactly why it happens. I fell pregnant naturally on the first attempt and had a normal pregnancy but I still had a kid with autism despite there being no obvious genetic link on either side of the family - it happens. If your child turns out to have autism it will NOT be because you 'went against nature' and brought a child into the world via IVF.

You have been through a lot and you are understandably anxious and possibly depressed. You need support and to get help for the distress you are feeling. Be gentle on yourself. Sending hugs

I have pains in what I think is my bones (not the joint part), pretty much all over except my ribs. Sometimes it is stabbing, sometimes aching. The tops of my feet can get really painful, and my fingers in between my joints. Also sometimes the muscles on the sides of my feet. I am also exhausted all the time. I keep dropping things, too. And my muscles and tendons keep getting damaged, though the GP reckons that is just motherhood and picking up a baby.

My appointment with the rheumatologist is this week, but I have been worried as I have had repeated infections this year. So, so many. I know it is kind of normal for this year, but I have had way more than anyone else I know. I am seeing an immunologist, too, but there is a three month wait for that.

Morning OP

Babies who have had a difficult birth often benefit from cranial osteopathy I believe. You might want to have a look into it.

I experienced a very similar situation OP, breast cancer scare after the birth of my second child, took 4 very stressful months of testing to get the all clear and I spent the entire time in a state of high anxiety imagining the worst. My stress headaches and chest pain eventually subsided but the health anxiety was always there under the surface and eventually resurfaced on holiday several months later. It started out with RSI type symptoms in both hands, extended up my arms and progressed to severe eye pain where I could not open my eyes, painful zapping in my hands and numbness in my legs that never went, just moved around. I had a grandmother with MND and was terrified it was that or MS based on a throw away comment by a physiotherapist. Several tests, a trip to the ER and an amazing older GP and I was diagnosed with health anxiety. Effectively I had PTSD from the earlier trauma of having to exist so long in a state of panic between tests.

I could not believe these symptoms were anxiety induced, which added to the worry. I was also always worried about the health of my children. I would be heartened that your tests have come back negative to date. I’m not saying your symptoms are caused by anxiety, but they absolutely could be.

I believe my body caused such unusual symptoms as a way of making me stop and pay attention that I still hadn't dealt with the earlier cancer scare and needed help.

Regardless of what is going on, I would highly recommend looking into counselling and do anything you can do to get support. Take care and be kind to yourself xx

@Wobblyheart yes, after my wrists, my fingers started feeling weak too. That was the last thing and I was really upset, felt like I was in some kind of doomed decline - but it was only for a short time and started to get better at that point. No tremors but a sort of weakness and some pain when moving my fingers

@Wobblyheart

My autistic dd cried a lot, every time I left the room, fed pretty much hourly for months and refused to go in the buggy. Placid is definitely not how I would describe her, she was diagnosed at 2 years

Both my DD's were as you describe, one has autism, one does not (she possibly has mild adhd, the kind that makes you very active and productive rather than a disability, she's an officer in the military) i suspect genetics as their dad is the same and all 3 are very very clever (I am not)

Thanks for your reply.
I know it doesnt ease any of your worries about your own health or your sons but I think it does help to know you are not alone. I have felt so helpless and exasperated and like I just want to run away and then look at my gorgeous boy and feel so guilty for it ever even crossing my mind and knowing deep down he needs me but i think I just hate feeling so powerless and the feeling of having to surrender to time essentially and to see if it was all in my head or if any of the concerns materialise.

I totally agree about the impact healthcare is having on this and it is so so frustrating. I really feel for the poor staff and actually work for NHS myself so totally understand the pressures they are under but it always feels like you are aware of their pressures and constantly feeling like a time waster even when there is legitimate concerns because they are so overworked and I feel doctors etc are desperate to get you out the door and almost try and pacify you rather than diagnose or advise. This could just be my experience though. And I dont think it is because they dont want to help but because they just dont have the time or resources to help effectively due to funding. I have read about your health scares and the lengthy waits and really really feel for you. It must be agonising worrying about both yourself and your son and being pulled in all different directions. Healthcare system is an absolute shambles! And hearing about delayed and missed diagnosis certainly doesnt ease any anxious thoughts. I think the easier access to the internet and all the wealth of information on it while you are waiting for anything is also detrimental. Its obviously great and allows us to reach out like this but I've found so much conflicting advice (even evidence based studies etc) that would be impossible to follow every piece of information and then becomes overwhelming and again a vicious anxious cycle and because of the struggle to access a gp or health professional that is able to give a thorough assessment and the time to give tailored advice and reassurance you are kind of left to mull over everything and try to draw your own conclusions to things. Obviously having anxiety can lead to catastrophising things and sometimes the concerns might be disproportionate to the reality but equally I feel that when a health professional or individual is aware you are affected by anxiety it almost gives a green light to dismiss any concerns you have and put it down to anxiety because it's easier than exploring further.
Sorry if any of this just fuels your anxiety further because I'm basically just ranting rather than offering solutions ! I wish I had them and like you say the advice from other posters is invaluable

Sorry you felt dismissed by those close to you. I also have experience of this. I have a really supportive sister and brother but my mum can be very dismissive and condescending and it is horrible and always leads me to such defensive interactions which helps nobody. I can interpret a lot of discussions with people as almost a bit smug and desperate to tell you how they are superior in some way shape or form for not worrying about things they have no shared experience of. Maybe again that is the postnatal depression talking but it doesnt feel like it.

So glad your health visitor is a good support to you. I think if you have a good one it is worth its weight in gold. Your husband sounds lovely aswell. Definetely take all the support you can get. It is much needed with everything you have going on. I like what you say about babies being loved, fed and warm. It makes you feel you are at least doing everything you can for them and if in the worst case scenario our concerns are proved to be right at least it is good to know it wouldnt change the way we do anything just now and there is nothing more at this point we can do apart from try and enjoy them and not worry about anything unproven. I suppose in the worst case scenario if babies did have autism it is not the catastrophe it becomes in your own head. I like to remind myself of how desperate I was for a baby when we struggled to conceive and that if someone gave me the option of no baby or how things are just now I would always pick the latter. Like you said before about the long waits I think the unknown and waiting is actually scarier than the thing itself. It's like when one of my relatives had a terminal illness I spent more time worrying and stressing about them passing away when they were here and when they actually passed away it wasnt as stressful as the fear of it if that makes sense. I dont know how to put that across without sounding like I wasnt arsed about my much loved relatives passing lol. I just mean sometimes the fear of something is worse than the thing itself as a lot of previous posters have vouched for.
Yes funny enough I was told my son has silent reflux. However, changes to feeding, medication, holding him upright for 30minutes after feeds and everything else has not really improved anything. Also cut dairy and soy out my diet as previous threads suggested to try and rule out cmpa but this did not resolve anything either. Which makes me think maybe the health visitor I have is right when she says "babies cry" but I still feel my poor babys crying is an abnormal amount particularly for a baby of 6 months and looking around at the behaviour of other babies mines seems vastly different. From my observations it looks as though most babies cry for an easy to suss reason and then stop when that is achieved. However my baby just seems to cry whinge and fuss incessantly and it appears for no reason (or one that I cannot suss out) after trying everything on the list. It is so upsetting when I imagined nurturing and reading and feeding, playing and cuddling my baby but he seems to hate all of these things. I did also think like you maybe perhaps the reflux has caused the slow development because he hated tummy time etc and maybe it is just going go take more time and maybe socialising is not on the top agenda when thry are sore from reflux pain. So glad your baby doesnt cry a lot but totally understand your worries about him not and being in his own little world. It's just anything outside the normal bracket seems stressful. Maybe his own little world is better and he cant be bothered with the norm !
I know the advice is always suggested to get out and I know and totally understand how hard it must be. I used to get so frustrated when it was suggested to me and I thought how can I get out with a screaming child and felt much safer in my own little place but honestly every time I muster up the strength to I ALWAYS feel so much better. Again, I know I dont have the health issues that you do and only you know how feasible that is but it can really make such a massive difference even when it doesnt seem like it.
I still think how can this be worth the effort that it takes between expressing breast milk on time, getting my boy fed, keeping upright for 30 mins, ensuring th4 screaming when getting changed, moved, put in the pram getting down the several flights of stairs with the pram to realise an hour has passed and he will be due fed in another hour but it honestly does always make me feel a million times better and that there is life beyond your worries.

Bless you, that’s a lot emotionally.

firstly congratulations on a beautiful boy, they all develop differently and grow differently. Most kids grow out of little quirks (mine had a few - still has some), makes him wonderful.

please don’t worry about possibly ASD, even if he has, they’re often the most well behaved wonderful kids.

your health, I wish you the very best for a blessed life with you lovely family x

I'm not sure if it's the same, but I also had a baby quite late and since the birth, my physical health hasn't been right. I see a rheumatologist this week, but I am in so much pain and it worries me as the pain isn't in my joints.

I have fears like yours, especially as my husband also has a chronic illness and depends on me. I have no idea what they would do without me. But I keep thinking that I gave my daughter life and they would manage, somehow. I also try to put faith in God that everything will be alright in the end, even if I do die or fall very ill. I appreciate not everyone finds comfort in that, but for me it really helps.

WobblyHeart in the end he was developing normally and we avoided any permanent damage from the birth complications. The worst bit was the insecurity in not knowing, and some doctors then rushing in to diagnose him with motor symptoms of cerebral palsy. In retrospect this was unprofessional and inaccurate, especially if it is true that you can't diagnose a lot of these issues until they're older and have "missed" milestones, as other doctors would tell me. I felt awful that the choices I made during the birth could be the reason for any eventual diagnosis, if there was one to come. That, combined with "false positives" from some doctors, meant that I was a total mess of anxiety that year, and had several mental health breakdowns which I'd never experienced before, and meant that I just couldn't parent for weeks at a time. My anxiety stemmed from guilt over choices I'd made, the insecurity of not living with uncertainty potentially for years while opportunities to support him could be missed if he did have additional needs, and some doctors making (evidently) inaccurate diagnoses. It was a shit place to be, but fortunately, we're all doing ok after the birth, I became better at managing uncertainty, and I changed my outlook on life to try to accept what I can't control, which touches on everything, including my own health. It's flipping hard though, and I got loads of therapy to get here.

The worst thing is the uncertainty, especially when you have your first baby and all of a sudden you are invested in a positive outcome in a way that you have never been before with anything. It becomes life or death. I wish you all the best for the future, and hope that the words from other posters here have helped you feel more at ease with managing whatever comes your way in life xx

@Wobblyheart yes, felt very unstable and like joints wouldn’t hold me. Got to the stage where I was afraid to kneel down to put my son on the playmat, as I felt too unstable and like I might fall over with him. It got progressively worse till about 6 months (around when I stopped breast feeding in the daytime) and then gradually better.

Have you actually seen your blood test results or has your Dr just told you they are fine? Most drs have very little training in vitamins and minerals despite the affect they have on your body. Many ranges that labs consider normal are really wide and what might be fine for some people is not fine for others.
I was told my ferritin levels (iron storage) were fine for years even though I had terrible fatigue and other symptoms. My level was 21 at one point and even though 30 and below is considered absolute iron deficiency, my Dr said I was fine because their lab say over 18 is ok. Actually many people will need to be over 100 or 150 to feel really well.
This is just an example of one thing but low B12 and vitamin D can also have nasty symptoms. It could be worth getting your blood test results and doing some research based on the results and your symptoms.

I’ve 2 children diagnosed with autism ,and one other that was missed .
im waiting assessment and my dh definitely is on spectrum but not seeking diagnosis.
we get on just fine
my eldest with autism got A and B grades in his A levels ,maths chemistry physics..other one doing a masters in maths .
they didn’t get their brains from me
it was very difficult when they were small ,I won’t lie ,I nearly cracked up .
but it’s a different ball game now they are adults.
my advice would always be ..
get the EHCP in place before they start school ,it will make all the difference if proper support is in place from year 1.
mine didn’t get EHCP untill year 6 and year 3 ..
too late for both of them by then ….by too late ,I mean they could no longer cope in school ,and I’ve had to home educate for years and years with both of them at different times ..
obviously that’s me stuck at home ,with no career…such is life ..but anyway their lives are good now ,and fulfilled