Page 2 | To feel like I regret IVF....

Wobblyheart · 2023-03-31T10:17:34+00:00

Hi everyone, I am posting here for traffic because I am feeling so hopeless and sad. I haven’t got family or close friends near and i would appreciate any words of encouragement. I am 36 years old and we wanted a baby for a very long time - been married since I was 27 and actively trying since I was 30. It was just not working. I would never ever had a pregnancy, be it chemical or miscarriage. We tried ivf and the two first attempts were unsuccessfull with BFN. The process was so drawn out because of the pandemic and it made things very difficult. I have the most amazing husband in the world and he wanted a baby so much I always felt like I was broken (both our labs were fine but my body just wasn’t getting pregnant). I was so surprised and happy when for the first time in my life I saw double lines after our third ivf attempt. I had a different protocol then with more progesterone. what followed next was an extremely anxious pregnancy, slight issues with baby’s kidney was found on 20 week scan, then stalled growth, then reduced movements, then dramatic birth where there were some concerns about oxygen but the doctor reassured us they were not concerned after doing checks. Strange things started to happen to my health too but I blamed it all on pregnancy. my beautiful boy was born, and the moment they put him on me for feeding changed my world forever. It was the most magical and happy day of my life. First couple weeks were a bliss. After that postnatal anxiety took hold and my physical health deteriorated considerably in the next following months. fastforward to now, I have serious concerns about my baby’s development. He was late to hold his head - only started doing it around 4-5 months, and now at 6 months his social skills seem to deteriorate. He gives very limited eye contact, turns away from me and other people, does not always respond with a smile, it’s hard to get his attention. He seems to get frustrated with everything very easily. Terrible sleeper, does not get upset if I leave him and walk out from the room. Makes lots of sounds / screams bu not at me but just sort of in his own world. Constantly needs to move, slaps and flaps his hands, feet, squeezes and scratches everything all the time, even when feeding. I read similar posts on here and was disheartened how many times children with these traits went on to be diagnosed with ASD. meanwhile, I am currently awaiting testing for a potential MND/ neurological disease and really worry that our life can change very dramatically. My husband does not deserve it. My heart is breaking for my son, I am worried about a difficult and terminal illness. And my mind can’t stop but race and think .... did we do a right thing doing ivf. Did we go against the nature and I was never meant to have a child? Did I bring more suffering to this world? My beautiful boy is just so innocent and he is the most bonny baby, and I feel like I might have potentially ruined his and my husbands lives. i know nothing has been confirmed yet but I am on the verge and really struggling, both physically and mentally. if anyone has been through something similar, I would appreciate if they reached out. Any positive stories would be very welcomed so I can retain at least some hope and not just sink deeper into the dark abyss.

Beetlekiwi · 26/06/2023 23:04

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

parliamoglesga · 26/06/2023 22:46

Hi OP!

it’s funny you mention the hand twirling etc

im 38 and was watching a video my dad took of me (on a hired camcorder!) in 1986 on my first birthday. My hand and feet twirling is off the charts - super noticeable and I don’t have autism or any neuro divergences.

I know it probably won’t help much but hopefully all these little stories put your mind at rest a little bit

Boomboxinmyattic · 26/06/2023 22:36

Bless you OP, I hope you get some reassurance soon 🙏 💕.

Notamumsad · 26/06/2023 22:15

Right, deep breath, I went through infertility and as my user name implies I wasn't successful, what you are going through, without sounding too harsh sounds like ' Life'. I actually feel a bit guilty at my age , mid fifties for being free of the worries of kids and grandkids , so many of my friends are bogged down with it. But still we're meant to think as women that children are the be all and end all. I'm so happy, right now, however I did lose a LOT of friends because I didn't fit into the narrative. Your life is what it is now, live in the moment that's all you can do.

twoandcooplease · 26/06/2023 22:05

So much worry op I hope it gets easier. Please do let us know xx

kizziee · 26/06/2023 21:34

@fourlambbhunas that was suggested to me as a possibility at the time but no definite answer

Rorlaa · 26/06/2023 20:32

@Isthisexpected well you picked one thing out your DC didn't do while my DCs didn't have any of the listed skills, and yes, that's the difference.
But yes I was not accurate, first gesture must not be raising up hands but it van be anything else.

fourlambbhunas · 26/06/2023 19:58

kizziee · 26/06/2023 17:50

OP
I had post natal depression / anxiety after an IVF pregnancy. I think it's probably all linked to the pressure of getting pregnant in the first place and then being anxious through the pregnancy itself.
Look after yourself and get any help offered by health worker / GP. Take care.

I wonder if all the hormones used for ivf also have an effect?

fourlambbhunas · 26/06/2023 19:57

After both my babies I had extreme anxiety, more so with my second. I had a full on breakdown and have been taking 100mg of sertraline which has saved me and taken it away. Could your medicine be upped/ used in combination with another? To me a lot of the things you're describing is exactly what I would do. Constantly worry about babies development, and worry about my own health. It was truly an awful time. I also felt so unwell after the birth of each baby, particularly the first year after birth. I had a 5 year age gap and I'm currently 6 months pp and experiencing it all again. Muscle weakness, dizziness, fatigue, heavy lead feeling. I have had many tests but I think it's just how my body reacts to pregnancy/ hormones. Sending you so much comfort xx

Isthisexpected · 26/06/2023 19:26

By 9-10 months the first social milestones must appear such as: 3 points gaze, back and forth interactions, and at least the gesture of raising hands to be picked up.

My first didn't raise her hands to be picked up until she was 18 months and already walking! No disability whatsoever. Just who she is. These checklists are just not helpful unless done in context.

kizziee · 26/06/2023 17:50

OP
I had post natal depression / anxiety after an IVF pregnancy. I think it's probably all linked to the pressure of getting pregnant in the first place and then being anxious through the pregnancy itself.
Look after yourself and get any help offered by health worker / GP. Take care.

Outofthepark · 26/06/2023 16:38

FullBloom · 31/03/2023 11:28

What support are you getting with your anxiety, op?

Your anxiety, I think, needs the most major focus for treatment right now. I think that it is clouding and shaping and leading your thoughts on everything, and making you worry and catastrophise about all kinds of things when you shouldn't.

And what stood out to me was 'my DH doesn't deserve this'. What about you? Aren't you important?

UsefulZombie · 26/06/2023 16:24

Wobblyheart · 26/06/2023 16:12

@UsefulZombie I am so sorry I have caused offence, especially after your kind message. I apologise for that, and to everyone else who has been so supportive. I have very little experience with disabilities and coming from the place
of ignorance.

I really appreciate that. Please listen to the lived experience on this thread, let it reassure you as much as your anxiety will allow. You will figure it out and be the parent your child needs, however things shake out. Wishing you and your family all the best x

Original poster

Wobblyheart · 26/06/2023 16:12

@UsefulZombie I am so sorry I have caused offence, especially after your kind message. I apologise for that, and to everyone else who has been so supportive. I have very little experience with disabilities and coming from the place
of ignorance.

OP posts:

Rorlaa · 26/06/2023 15:28

Don't shame her pls. It hurts me.

Rorlaa · 26/06/2023 15:20

Hi there! I'm sorry you're suspecting autism in your LO. I know a lot of people are saying there are no signs of autism in early infancy which is actually not true and I still resent people who brushed me off with this even with my second DC when I was already very much educated on the topic.
But it's not the twirling or shaking which are specific to autism but the social and communication development, and most people with typical kids wouldn't even notice these milestones because they're a bit more invisible compared to motor milestones.
There's a sibling study where they looked at children with high risk for autism, and was following them until an asd screening at 3 and they found some commun flags.
By 9-10 months the first social milestones must appear such as: 3 points gaze, back and forth interactions, and at least the gesture of raising hands to be picked up. This means that it's not the quantity of eye contact which matters but if the baby seems aware that your facial expressions worth checking . I think it's so hard to miss when a baby has this ability! And if one has it it almost excludes autism.
I hope it helps you a bit. I really commisarate with you, because I've been throught this twice and was dismissed and shamed both times. :( But I really wish your baby is just being high maintenance and that's all. ASD is ... Hard.

UsefulZombie · 26/06/2023 15:10

Wobblyheart · 26/06/2023 11:37

I am on medication for anxiety, which has just been reviewed by my GP and I am in contact with perinatal team for therapy. The medication helps but only a bit - it sort of dulls the feelings but the underlying ache and fears are still there.

I have been thinking about what you said about imagining what if. And went through a number of scenarios in my head. From imagining what would it look like in the worst case - profound intellectual disability, constant rocking, vitalisations, stimming, aggression (biting, hitting etc), feaces smearing, seeing how horribly people struggle to care for someone with such a severe disability from accounts of others on mumsnet. I can’t see how anybody would cope with that, it’s such a difficult life with so much sadness.

But even if it wasn’t so severe, I would still grieve the lack of social and intellectual bond with my child. I want my child to look at me, laugh with me, play board games together, going to rides, travelling, I want to learn about science and the world together, have cuddles, discus music, art and film. See them having friendships, relationships, kids.

When I was pregnant and worrying about having child with disability, I knew I would cope if their disability was physical - such as deafness, blindness, CP. Intellectual disability is the one I am really scared of because of the lack of that cerebral connection.

I think this is also why I struggle currently. I am trying so so hard to engage my son interactions, but getting so little back. I sing songs to him, I am teaching him sign language, I read books with him, teach him to play, so funny faces and voices. I got the Hanen book and another book recommended on other threads here about early activities that you can do to promote communication and I am incorporating them in our routine. But he rarely laughs and when he does look at me he does smile sometimes but he quickly glances away. I see it every day. He twirls his hands and feet pretty much all the time and now he started shaking his head kore
and more. And when I put so much effort in getting his engagement and then see this behaviour, pushing me away, slapping me and hitting me, I get very sad.

I had good advice here but every time I am trying to push my worries aside those thoughts get triggered in me so many times a day when I see those behaviours which are consistent and constant.

I do feel like a terrible mother thinking that my son has a disability but I am very perceptive and this is what I observe. My hope is that my anxiety is so bad that I have made wrong conclusions and that I will be proved wrong. There is nothing that I want more.

Show quote history

I have full sympathy for the difficult emotional place you're in right now, but you're getting pretty offensive now to those of us who are trying to kindly offer you lived experience of the 'difficult life with so much sadness' you're envisioning. My family life is perfectly happy, thanks. Certainly the 'social and intellectual bond' and 'cerebral connection' looks different in my house but to assume it must look a certain way to be worthy to you is pretty ableist. Eye contact and conversation isn't the be all and end all of affection.
Your kid might be neurotypical and hate board games, and travel, and hate cuddles, and not want anything to do with art and film. Regardless of neurotype you're raising an independent, individual human.

babbscrabbs · 26/06/2023 15:00

My DS had lots of the same things as you listed.

He now has a couple of DXs, but he's at school now and in lots of ways he's doing great. You can't predict how things will turn out and you can't change anything by worrying about it.

I would just try to enjoy your child as much as you can, and relax as much as you can. Your child is your child, regardless. I regret being so distracted and depressed about my child's differences and spending all my time analysing every move and behaviour. I understand it can feel all consuming, and hard. But just try to BE.

Original poster

Wobblyheart · 26/06/2023 14:48

Yes, HV assessed him at our home and he has a couple of grey zones. He is due to reassessment in a few months. It has been a month since they have been but no progress with his communication.

I am seeing a GP in a couple of weeks with my son. Professional opinion would definitely help and I am seeking it.

OP posts:

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 26/06/2023 14:21

Op, have you discussed your concerns about your child with your doctor or hv?

You just seem to have high expectations for an 8 month old? Maybe you're right, I dont know for sure- would a professional opinion help at all?

Original poster

Wobblyheart · 26/06/2023 11:37

Isthisexpected · 25/06/2023 20:23

OP you must seek professional help. If he has ASD or LD you'll be OK. Would it help to assume he does, just for a minute? Think about what that would mean to you. Let your mind be as creative as possible with all the awful what ifs. Would it kill you? Would it kill him? Try and bring yourself back to facts.

I am on medication for anxiety, which has just been reviewed by my GP and I am in contact with perinatal team for therapy. The medication helps but only a bit - it sort of dulls the feelings but the underlying ache and fears are still there.

I have been thinking about what you said about imagining what if. And went through a number of scenarios in my head. From imagining what would it look like in the worst case - profound intellectual disability, constant rocking, vitalisations, stimming, aggression (biting, hitting etc), feaces smearing, seeing how horribly people struggle to care for someone with such a severe disability from accounts of others on mumsnet. I can’t see how anybody would cope with that, it’s such a difficult life with so much sadness.

But even if it wasn’t so severe, I would still grieve the lack of social and intellectual bond with my child. I want my child to look at me, laugh with me, play board games together, going to rides, travelling, I want to learn about science and the world together, have cuddles, discus music, art and film. See them having friendships, relationships, kids.

When I was pregnant and worrying about having child with disability, I knew I would cope if their disability was physical - such as deafness, blindness, CP. Intellectual disability is the one I am really scared of because of the lack of that cerebral connection.

I think this is also why I struggle currently. I am trying so so hard to engage my son interactions, but getting so little back. I sing songs to him, I am teaching him sign language, I read books with him, teach him to play, so funny faces and voices. I got the Hanen book and another book recommended on other threads here about early activities that you can do to promote communication and I am incorporating them in our routine. But he rarely laughs and when he does look at me he does smile sometimes but he quickly glances away. I see it every day. He twirls his hands and feet pretty much all the time and now he started shaking his head kore
and more. And when I put so much effort in getting his engagement and then see this behaviour, pushing me away, slapping me and hitting me, I get very sad.

I had good advice here but every time I am trying to push my worries aside those thoughts get triggered in me so many times a day when I see those behaviours which are consistent and constant.

I do feel like a terrible mother thinking that my son has a disability but I am very perceptive and this is what I observe. My hope is that my anxiety is so bad that I have made wrong conclusions and that I will be proved wrong. There is nothing that I want more.

OP posts:

Vespaa · 25/06/2023 21:05

Aww love your saying. Will try my best to live by that. You are so right about the internet but once you start it's so hard to stop.
Thanks again. I know this was obviously for o.p but so much reassurance from your words.

Isthisexpected · 25/06/2023 20:23

OP you must seek professional help. If he has ASD or LD you'll be OK. Would it help to assume he does, just for a minute? Think about what that would mean to you. Let your mind be as creative as possible with all the awful what ifs. Would it kill you? Would it kill him? Try and bring yourself back to facts.

UpUpUpU · 25/06/2023 19:08

OP, he just looks like a happy baby. Try and relax and enjoy him. If there were any worries about a chromosomal disorder (as you mention the nasal bridge and epicanthal folds) this should have been picked by now by by a medical profession.

Vespaa · 25/06/2023 19:04

No. I didnt tell you literally what to write. I gave a basic example of how to make your point without being nasty and condescending. You agree it was harsh and you are more than entitled to your opinion but I just stated I dont understand why you have to come with an attitude that is condescending rather than supportive. As you say we all have different experiences. I'm sure the OP benefited from hearing your experience. Not sure she benefited from being told you feel sorry for her son etc.
Anyway agreed the thread shouldnt be derailed so I wont labour my point any further