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Original poster

Husband never appreciates my cooking

114 replies

Unappreciatedcook · 27/03/2023 17:25

Background - busy household - older kids in an out.
I feel like my husband never appreciates my cooking. I cook almost every night because I like to eat healthily and prefer food made from scratch.

If I ask him to ‘cook’ it will mean takeaway or eating out. He can cook and occasionally will do so, but only when it’s a special meal, usually expensive and unhealthy (think towering multilayer burgers) which everyone will make a big fuss of how amazing it is and massage his ego.

I do the everyday cooking. I do the magic of making tasty meals out of nothing when the cupboards are running low or the everyday healthy meals I’m creative and like to try new recipes which usually work well and I think I’m a pretty good cook after 30 years of making dinner.
Ive explained many times that I need to feel appreciated - we’ve only been married 5 years and I used to get zero acknowledgement- so we’ve improved slightly but I get a forced ‘it’s nice thank you’ whilst he eats it with a face like I’m torturing him (I swear I’m not a bad cook!).

I think I’ve been spoilt by my Dads example. When I was little he’d sit to the table with enthusiasm for what my mum had cooked, tuck in with gusto, take a bite and say immediately ‘that’s delicious!’ And carry on making a fuss of her and thanking her for cooking. The one time she actually made a bad meal is legendary in family history as we all tried to soldier through and be polite still!

I honestly often feel utter RAGE when I serve up a dinner (after a full day of work) that’s taken my creative effort and time ,tastes amazing and is good for you and I get zero enthusiasm, often silence (till he sees the look on my face and remembers) and then get a lame ‘this is nice thank you’ or he forgets so now I just ask ‘how is it?’ And usually get ‘its alright’.
I just don’t get it.

To me it’s manners as much as anything. My grown sons get it. They’re wonderful and appreciative and complimentary on the occasions they still eat here. He’s seen their example. I’ve explained what I need. Help me understand!? Or am I being unreasonable???

OP posts:
LexMitior · 27/03/2023 18:35

I got two paragraphs in to your post and thought "stop cooking".

Your husband doesn't appreciate this, so perhaps cut back to cook when you have company who does like it.

QuimIsASwearWord · 27/03/2023 18:29

My dh says thank you. My 18 year old will say thank you. I thank them when they cook.

My brother is a bit like your dad and will be counting down until the next meal and being all excited, he'll also comment how delicious it is after almost every mouthful and it actually drives sil nuts because it's every day and every meal and she tells him there's no need, a simple thank you and a that was nice is more than enough for an everyday basic meal.

He's in his 40s now and has done that all his life and we think it's because as kids, the sucking up got him bigger portions or first refusal if leftovers. Sil thought it was because my Mam was just a terrible cook until she saw him behave the same over beans on toast at Mam'sGrin He just loves food.

SpareHeirOverThere · 27/03/2023 18:28

Also, stop cooking for him.

Original poster
Unappreciatedcook · 27/03/2023 18:28

Testina · 27/03/2023 17:38

Is this the one sticking point of feeling unappreciated?

I’ll be honest - my husband cooks for me, and I pretty much don’t care. He cooks lovely meals, but it doesn’t actually save me any work because I don’t really care that much about food, and it would be no hardship to stick a tub of soup in the microwave, or have a bagel.

Now I have manners so I do always say thank you. But of all the things he brings to our marriage - cooking just isn’t something I value. He hasn’t even really done it “for me” - he’s done what he wants to do, I just get the benefit of it. But the benefit isn’t huge - and I wonder if that’s where your husband is coming from too?

I think he’s showing too little appreciation - but it sounds like you’re expecting too much, possibly? If my husband reacted to my cooking the way your dad did to your mum all the time, it would irritate the shit out of me! Too much of a performance for me. I’d want a thank you and if it was particularly to their taste definitely like to hear it. But not the performance every day.

He should be saying thank you every mean time though.

It’s not the only thing. There are other similar issues - lack of comment/compliments on a new haircut or outfit etc. that kind of thing.

I think you’re right and he is probably not that bothered about home cooked every day foods. He eats really quickly like it’s a chore and only seems to really enjoy expensive junk food - gourmet burgers, American bbq that type of thing.

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 27/03/2023 18:27

Tbh I do think it's unreasonable to expect much more than a smile and a thank you every night. I'm unsure how the labour is split in your household but let's asdume(and stereotype) thst he works full time/is bread winner. Do you thank him and show true appreciation for him going to work and paying the mortgage.
Now if you get 'dumped' with cooking that's a different matter. Could you suggest that he cooks one eve thurs/fri but it needs to be a healthy meal because you've got something 'dirty and delicious' planned for the weekend? Oh and do not sign up to 'I'll cook, you clean'...we all know how that one goes.

SpareHeirOverThere · 27/03/2023 18:26

WhatDoesMyFutureHold · 27/03/2023 17:29

I think I’ve been spoilt by my Dads example. When I was little he’d sit to the table with enthusiasm for what my mum had cooked, tuck in with gusto, take a bite and say immediately ‘that’s delicious!’ And carry on making a fuss of her and thanking her for cooking.

You have been spoilt. What you've described is nice, but I couldn't be doing with it every night.
Cook what you want to cook, enjoy it, and give yourself a pat on the back.
As long as everyone says thanks, that's all it needs to be.
My DH is the only one to cut the grass and put the bins out, I don't gush over it every time.

That's sad, to think OP is 'spoilt'.

Everyone in our family gushes over the cook, whichever of us it is that meal. Bins out gets a thank you, but shopping, cooking, perfecting over time... that gets the love.

Poepourri · 27/03/2023 18:25

Some people just aren't into food in the same way. DH does not appreciate home cooking and have different likes food wise to me. So I'm not busting a gut every evening. Perhaps your DH is the same.? In which case he's unlikely to change imo.
Very occasionally I will cook something different and get appreciation.

A friend has always praised her husband's cooking to high heaven. He does all the cooking. Quite a smart move on her part.

SallyWD · 27/03/2023 18:25

Maybe he's just not a foody? Not that interested. Perhaps he's as happy with a big mac as he is with a gourmet meal. One of these "food is fuel" types.
I have a friend like that. Whatever she eats she just wolfs it down, doesn't even seen to taste it.

theemmadilemma · 27/03/2023 18:21

I expect a thank you. Without that he'd be cooking his own.

I do not expect gushing fanfare. That's ridiculous. If something happens to be right up his street I may get more vocal praise or whatever but its natural.

Fanfare and false gushing would piss me off as much as no thanks.

MelchiorsMistress · 27/03/2023 18:21

You are choosing to do the sort of cooking that takes you time and effort every night. Your DH would likely be happy with anything that was put in front of him even if it came out of a jar or packet. It’s ridiculous that you should feel rage over not getting enough appreciation when your DH does say thank you.

getafringenotbotox · 27/03/2023 18:20

My DH is a bit like this. I've started saying "dd and me are having x. Do you want some cause you moaned or didn't like it last time"

I don't know if he really hates my cooking or if it's a don't want to back down thing but he's been living off Asda healthy microwave meals for about a month now.

I have no fucks to give

Original poster
Unappreciatedcook · 27/03/2023 18:20

EerieSilence · 27/03/2023 18:17

Your stressing the healthy meals vs. your DH's taste for the "unhealthy burgers" sounds like you're into probably lighter and probably more vegetable based meals.
Do you nag him for his choice of meals? If he gets nagged, he may be less prone to compliment on your cooking, that's basic psychology.

Btw, nothing wrong with a good burger and it's actually an art to make it right.

Nope never judge what he eats

OP posts:
DrMarciaFieldstone · 27/03/2023 18:20

Do people need large shows of appreciation every night?

It sounds like you love cooking, it sounds like he isn’t really bothered what he eats. Yabu to martyr yourself cooking then expect a fanfare, when no one asked you to.

Cook for him less 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Unappreciatedcook · 27/03/2023 18:18

Willmafrockfit · 27/03/2023 18:03

i expect a show of appreciation, pretty much like i give to DH when he cooks.
and i get very annoyed if he doesnt show appreciation

Exactly - I just expect the same back. I do show a lot of appreciation when he does cook - I’ve tried holding back to make a point once or twice but my manners get the better of me

OP posts:
EerieSilence · 27/03/2023 18:17

Your stressing the healthy meals vs. your DH's taste for the "unhealthy burgers" sounds like you're into probably lighter and probably more vegetable based meals.
Do you nag him for his choice of meals? If he gets nagged, he may be less prone to compliment on your cooking, that's basic psychology.

Btw, nothing wrong with a good burger and it's actually an art to make it right.

Original poster
Unappreciatedcook · 27/03/2023 18:16

Comedycook · 27/03/2023 18:11

Mine is like this too. I do all the cooking...which is fine...I'm a sahm of teens so I have plenty of time. However he will say thank you but never show genuine gratitude or say it tastes nice. Not to boast but I'm a really good cook and make really nice food for him. I once asked him why he never said my food tastes good...he told me it did but it's meant to be good so why would he need to say that!? I often see other men really compliment their wives cooking and it upsets me that he doesn't.

Thank you! I’m sorry you have this too, but it’s nice to feel that someone understands x

OP posts:
WhatDoesMyFutureHold · 27/03/2023 18:14

@inky1991 my post literally says, 'as long as everyone says thanks, that's all it needs to be.'

OP comes across as wanting a big performance over her meal every night. Why? Of course her family, DH included, should show their appreciation, but it shouldn't need a fanfare.

I cook dinner every night so I understand wanting people to say thanks, but... thats it.

Original poster
Unappreciatedcook · 27/03/2023 18:14

therailroaders · 27/03/2023 17:38

Well exactly. And if you know one tiny thing that you don't care about either way, means a lot to the person you're spending your life with, it's nice to do it. Don't other posters ever like to do nice things for your OHs?

If you just stopped cooking for him, what would he do? Surely not eat takeaways forever?

I don't need fanfare or falling at my feet with appreciation, but a non-forced thank you is basic manners. Like hell would I be cooking every night for a thankless Neanderthal.

Show quote history

When I’ve been away he has literally had takeaway every night. The sad thing is it’s our time to reconnect after work, so if I did just stop cooking for him I think we’d lose that, but yeah it’s my choice to carry on!

OP posts:
TomatoFrog · 27/03/2023 18:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

JaneFondue · 27/03/2023 18:13

YANBU.

I do most of the family cooking as DH works long hours. It is a faff as DH has certain dietary requirements. However he appreciates it. I don't want a thank you daily but a few times a month would be nice.

Original poster
Unappreciatedcook · 27/03/2023 18:11

Pallisers · 27/03/2023 17:32

How can the OP's food sound bland and dull when she hasn't given a description of even one meal?

Thank you. My cooking is not bland and boring. I often make new recipes and we have a lot of variety - I can be creative with very little when necessary but usually have a good selection of ingredients on hand and use plenty of herbs and spices. Eating well/healthily does not = boring

OP posts:
Comedycook · 27/03/2023 18:11

Mine is like this too. I do all the cooking...which is fine...I'm a sahm of teens so I have plenty of time. However he will say thank you but never show genuine gratitude or say it tastes nice. Not to boast but I'm a really good cook and make really nice food for him. I once asked him why he never said my food tastes good...he told me it did but it's meant to be good so why would he need to say that!? I often see other men really compliment their wives cooking and it upsets me that he doesn't.

toomuchlaundry · 27/03/2023 18:09

@TomatoFrog she says she does that when the cupboards are running low not everyday and most people don’t have the time or money to make the meals her DH makes occasionally

VickyEadieofThigh · 27/03/2023 18:07

My partner is female and does almost all the cooking (because she loves it - I act as her sous chef).

I compliment her on every meal she produces. Costs me nothing and she appreciates it.

Willmafrockfit · 27/03/2023 18:03

i expect a show of appreciation, pretty much like i give to DH when he cooks.
and i get very annoyed if he doesnt show appreciation