Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how I approach my neighbour about her nude son

533 replies

Meanswell · 26/03/2023 22:14

So i feel quite awkward in posting this but i am wondering the best approach as I don’t want to upset anyone but i need to protect my child.

A neighbour who lives near me has a teenage son with non verbal autism. He sometimes like to stand outside the front of the houses. Today my daughter was taking the dog out for a walk. He was outside naked with everything on display. My daughter stood in one spot and he kind of ran towards her. She came straight back in and locked the doo. I genuinely don’t think he meant anything by it but he was left alone for a couple of minutes.

I genuinely don’t want to upset his mum and I know he doesn’t understand why he cannot do that. My daughter feels quite shocked and said she will never go out the front again. I am now worried if he acts inappropriately again, how do I approach this situation gently.

OP posts:
SupplyIsLimited · 26/03/2023 22:56

Agree there's no way we can know what his intention was, but even as an adult I'd be startled and likely frightened if a nude teenage ran toward me and would want to avoid a repeat of the situation. Ridiculous to suggest that this is in any way acceptable or that one must be some sort of prude for finding it uncomfortable.

Untitledsquatboulder · 26/03/2023 22:55

1000yellowdaisies · 26/03/2023 22:32

Just hazarding a guess here but probably wanted to protect her young daugher from the naked older teen running towards her.

Show quote history

Why, do you think its the sort of thing that happens a lot?

Livelovebehappy · 26/03/2023 22:54

Autism or not, I would be on the phone to the police. It’s not appropriate behaviour and his mother needs to monitor him better, or get help if she isn’t capable of parenting him.

ireallycantthinkofaname · 26/03/2023 22:54

It's a safeguarding issue for the boy too that he has been allowed/was able to do this though.
Saying nothing isn't an option, harm could occur to both parties if nothing is done. I would just neutrally explain, 'Hi, this happened, we thought you should be aware because obviously it's not safe/sensible in and would be best if measures could be put in place to stop it happening again.'

MagentaRocks · 26/03/2023 22:54

I’m completely shocked at the amount of people saying it’s not a big deal and to have compassion. Should we really be showing young girls that a threat from a male isn’t a big deal and to show compassion. Talk about mixed messages. The op can deal with it, in the right way to support her child but still explain the situation to her.

EarthSight · 26/03/2023 22:53

Raineth · 26/03/2023 22:23

Oh fuck off, no girls don’t need to be educated that they must be kind and accept that some men will flash them and chase them while naked.

OP text the boy’s mother if you have her number, or speak to her if you don’t. Keep it very calm and fact based. “Hi. My daughter is currently scared to leave the house because your son keeps standing out the front completely naked and recently chased her home, naked. I know the situation is very difficult. My daughter has a right to leave the house without being chased by naked men. What can you do to prevent this happening again?”

Show quote history

@lipstickwoman Oh God how dim can you be?

Well done for continuing the age-old, regressive practice of making girls think they have to be kind and accommodating to everyone, no matter their own comfort and SAFETY. Yes he has autism, but he's also a male, stronger than her, and WAS NAKED.

CalloohCallayFrabjousDay · 26/03/2023 22:53

Mum23amazingkids · 26/03/2023 22:47

Bless you and bless that mum as a mum to an autistic child I can only imagine this happens a lot . It won’t be sexual in any way either , it’s probably a nit wanting the feel of clothes sort of thing .
Maybe speak with her but repeat often you don’t mean any harm in any way . Also explain what autism is to your daughter so she can be prepared in case if any more “weird “ behaviour .

People with autism still have sexual feelings and attraction you know! And it's not down to the OP to educate her daughter, it's up to his parents to safeguard their child and prevent him from doing anything that can harm others, or harm himself.

Original poster
Meanswell · 26/03/2023 22:52

Yes it did happen. I would like to approach this situation with sensitivity as I can’t imagine the difficulty. I came to ask how best to speak to his mum.

I dont think he meant harm but nevertheless my daughter has been affected by his behaviour. Again i acknowledge its not an easy subject

OP posts:
anon37484291918 · 26/03/2023 22:52

I would speak to the mum to say that her ds was outside naked and your dd got a fright because he chased her and that it can't happen again. What if he did it to the wrong person or to a much younger child walking home from school - anything could happen. You speaking up is protecting your dd as much as it's protecting her ds.

I would speak to dd to reassure her he meant no harm, he needs more support than what he's currently getting but also reassure her that it's ok to feel uncomfortable in this situation. Her feelings are valid.

Trixielo · 26/03/2023 22:51

Dacadactyl · 26/03/2023 22:31

@Meanswell personally I would be inclined to take the lead from your DD then. I would explain that he is non verbal and his challenges, as you understand them. If it really has upset her to the extent that she doesn't want to leave the house, tell her you will speak to the neighbour.

See what she says and if she wants you to broach the subject so as to make her feel safer, then do so in a calm and measured manner. I'd knock on and say "I know that your son doesn't understand, however he was outside naked the other day and came towards DD while she was walking the dog. She was scared. I have explained that your son doesn't understand but I also have to be aware that DD has felt anxious afterwards." See what she says.

If it happens again, then escalate, but I wouldn't go in all guns blazing at all.

This is a sensible, sensitive way to approach the neighbour but I would recommend the OP make the decision herself. It shouldn’t be on the young daughter to make the call.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 26/03/2023 22:51

CheeseMcKnees · 26/03/2023 22:28

If he was an 80 year old man with Alzheimer’s would people brush this away?

I would. I've worked in care with people with Alzheimers. This is absolutely a possibility that could happen.

FuchsAndMöhr · 26/03/2023 22:51

Mum23amazingkids · 26/03/2023 22:47

Bless you and bless that mum as a mum to an autistic child I can only imagine this happens a lot . It won’t be sexual in any way either , it’s probably a nit wanting the feel of clothes sort of thing .
Maybe speak with her but repeat often you don’t mean any harm in any way . Also explain what autism is to your daughter so she can be prepared in case if any more “weird “ behaviour .

As the mother of an autistic child you probably want to educate yourself a little!!

How can you possibly know there was no sexual intent?

Zooeyzo · 26/03/2023 22:50

You definitely have to tell the mum so they can work on ways that it doesn't happen again. It's so dangerous for him and gosh how scary for your DD or any other female.

Fromwetome · 26/03/2023 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mum23amazingkids · 26/03/2023 22:47

Bless you and bless that mum as a mum to an autistic child I can only imagine this happens a lot . It won’t be sexual in any way either , it’s probably a nit wanting the feel of clothes sort of thing .
Maybe speak with her but repeat often you don’t mean any harm in any way . Also explain what autism is to your daughter so she can be prepared in case if any more “weird “ behaviour .

ChocSaltyBalls · 26/03/2023 22:47

LaviniasBigBloomers · 26/03/2023 22:38

The responses on here are bonkers and I speak as the mother of a 17 year old son with ASD.

You need to go round and speak to the mother. You need to stand up for your daughter AND for the boy. He'll do this to the wrong person and get his head kicked in, or be arrested and like fuck does your daughter have to 'be kind' about this. You need to go and have an adult conversation with his parents, let them know it happened, let them know it is not acceptable and you will not be accepting it, and tell them the next time it happens you will call the police.

I know you want to be understanding, but this is not the time for understanding, this is the time for very clear and firm boundaries. And for standing up for your own kid. Sometimes rights clash - it is ok to put your own family first.

Yes agreed. I am also the mother of a teenage boy with ASD.

saraclara · 26/03/2023 22:46

Had he just been standing there oblivious to hey presence, it would be one thing. But he actually ran towards her, so I don't think she was being over dramatic at all.

Having taught autistic pupils for decades, I am very sympathetic to their parents. However I do think it's important that you tell the mother what happened.
It's perfectly possible to be sympathetic and pleasant while you speak to get, while still making it clear that this felt threatening to your daughter (and would have to the vast majority of women of any age). It might even aid her in getting help, if she can say that this has happened and a neighbour complained. .

NCGrandParent · 26/03/2023 22:44

I am shocked at the ignorance on display about autism on this thread.

Being non-verbal does NOT mean he doesn't understand what he is doing. Or that he wouldn't understand if he was pulled up on his behaviour.

There may be reasons why he is doing what he is doing but they are NOT "because autism"

No-one can know that he is not a threat from the tiny amount of information in the OP.

@Meanswell Reassure your daughter that she did the right thing to come straight home and tell you. Reassure her that you will take action. Speak to the mum about what has happened. Be factual and clear. It is difficult to bring these kind of things up when you believe the family are having a difficult time but it does no-one any favours to minimise this kind of behaviour.

ChocSaltyBalls · 26/03/2023 22:44

SNWannabe · 26/03/2023 22:26

I have to disagree with people saying it’s not a big deal. It is. The mum should absolutely be told and she should be expected to stop her son from behaving in this way. It’s not an excuse to say he’s autistic and “doesn’t understand” as that wouldn’t be accepted as an excuse if he didn’t understand the law and stole things from shops.
No, teenage girls should
not have to just accept being accosted by naked boys or men outside their own door, no way. No she is NOT being “overly dramatic” about a naked teenaged boy running towards her. What a ridiculous thing to say.
@Meanswell Definitely raise it with the mum and if she doesn’t address it she is failing to keep her son and your daughter safe and I’d take it further- like social work or the (non emergency) police.

I agree

and as for the “is nakedness not usual in your family” as a teenage girl with only a sister no I never saw naked males.

Lavenderflower · 26/03/2023 22:43

I think the mum needs to know. I would do my best to be sensitive, tentative and supportive. Perhaps his care plan/package needs to be amended.

BCfan · 26/03/2023 22:42

Your daughter has the right not to be confronted by a naked man/ young adult regardless of any condition that man may have. Also because he has autism doesn't necessarily mean there was no ill intent!

For safeguarding for both of them this needs to be taken seriously and the mother needs to be made aware so it can be prevented

CalloohCallayFrabjousDay · 26/03/2023 22:41

YaWeeSkitter · 26/03/2023 22:39

I think actually he is lucky that the girl he ran towards was your DD who has some, albeit possibly limited, understanding of the situation.
As he was out on the public street naked and approaching other people he could well have been beaten up or arrested before his Mother got him back inside.
Your Dd should be able to go outside her own house without the possibility of seeing a naked man . His mother should be taking better steps to keep him safe. If she doesnt take it seriously he needs to be reported under safeguarding for his own sake.

Or run into some pervert who could take advantage of the situation and abuse the boy...

bellac11 · 26/03/2023 22:41

Keeween · 26/03/2023 22:38

I fear my post has been somewhat misconstrued, albeit I’m the one at fault for that. I believed that his mother was, in fact, aware of the situation, given her sons complex needs. If she isn’t, by all means, ignore my previous post and I apologise for giving the impression that this is to be disregarded out of hand.

And if she is, nothing changes. She needs to deal with it, he might need a DOLs or something

OP is right to raise it and like another poster said, I'd have reported it to the police, flashing is a sexual offence.

Im amazed at people going on about 'one offs'. Where does a sex offender start, with just the one off, the first one by definition is the one off because it hasnt happened before.

Total minimising

SweetCoriander · 26/03/2023 22:40

Raineth · 26/03/2023 22:23

Oh fuck off, no girls don’t need to be educated that they must be kind and accept that some men will flash them and chase them while naked.

OP text the boy’s mother if you have her number, or speak to her if you don’t. Keep it very calm and fact based. “Hi. My daughter is currently scared to leave the house because your son keeps standing out the front completely naked and recently chased her home, naked. I know the situation is very difficult. My daughter has a right to leave the house without being chased by naked men. What can you do to prevent this happening again?”

Show quote history

I agree with you, @Raineth

Inkblue · 26/03/2023 22:39

LaviniasBigBloomers · 26/03/2023 22:38

The responses on here are bonkers and I speak as the mother of a 17 year old son with ASD.

You need to go round and speak to the mother. You need to stand up for your daughter AND for the boy. He'll do this to the wrong person and get his head kicked in, or be arrested and like fuck does your daughter have to 'be kind' about this. You need to go and have an adult conversation with his parents, let them know it happened, let them know it is not acceptable and you will not be accepting it, and tell them the next time it happens you will call the police.

I know you want to be understanding, but this is not the time for understanding, this is the time for very clear and firm boundaries. And for standing up for your own kid. Sometimes rights clash - it is ok to put your own family first.

Very much this response.