To ask if you ever get over a parents death

I lost my Mam very suddenly. The shock of seeing her just a couple of hours before and then her being gone still takes my breath away at times, even 15+ years later.

But you do come to terms with it over time. I found it a slow and gradual experience. Eventually you remember good things more often. I don't think I have ever stopped missing her, though, or wanting to ring her up and tell her when I have good news etc.

Sending you best wishes, OP.

Thank you so much for this

I feel awful writing this, but losing a parent is hard. However, you have to believe me when I say that it is a walk in the park compared to losing a child. 😔

I'm so sorry, @freezingone. It's a horrid, shitty disease. My mum's prognosis was 6 weeks. Inoperable and the consultant just suggested palliative care. We were fortunate that another consultant proposed risky chemoradio. The treatment took a lot out of my mum, and she really struggled with it. But she went into remission and we had another 5 years with her, before she became ill with peritoneal cancer and died. What I'm trying to say badly is, just look after and love each other as best you can. Doctors' prognoses are informed guesses, they aren't fortune tellers

I've lost both my parents. One when I was 27, the other I was 43. It never leaves you but I am not grieving. But they both had serious (not necessarily terminal) illness my whole living memory so I grew up never expecting them to live into old age so in some ways I had prepared for years so was a bit hardened to it.

does time really heal such a loss??

Yes it does. I remember my parents with nostalgia now, not sadness.
They both died over 30 years ago. I had a happy childhood and a good relationship with them, and had moved away, so was used to not seeing them all the time.

Knowing that someone you love is going to die is very hard though

Both parents have died, and one from cancer who was nursed at home. I miss my father more than my mother, as we were very close. It is never an easy adjustment, but after that initial period of mourning comes some self reflection. It is a fact of life that we are born, we live and then we die. The death of close relatives was a reminder to me to change my life, and not take my time left for granted.

Time helps but the feelings never go away. I've been considering trauma and bereavement counselling to deal with my parents deaths to be honest.

It does change you. I was 39. I'm just more aware of what it means, the sense of missing them forever. Just one more phone call, one more hug. Only in my dreams. One thing you might want to anticipate is the unbelievable comments you get from people - "Why are you upset, he had a good innings", "He'd have had no life anyway", "sounds like you weren't that close so I guess it was no big deal", "I thought his death was on the cards, were you not expecting it"...I started asking these twats whether their parents are still alive and 100% of the time they are. And yet they feel qualified to judge how you should feel.

My dad died when I was 40. I loved him dearly, but I don't feel sad any more. He's just part of my history that I remember with affection.

I'm also widowed. I'm still sad that DH didn't see his younger DD graduate, or walk her up the aisle at her wedding. He never met his older daughter's partner, and worst of all, never met the grandchildren that he'd have adored. But even so, I'm okay 99% of the time.

I think we're all different though. I did a lot of grieving for each of them when they were ill, and I nursed my DH at home until the end. I think that's probably very different from a shocking and sudden death when you don't get to say goodbye. That would be my nightmare and I'd find that a lot harder to get over.

I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum. Our mother was a toxic narcissist who was horrible to us. We never shed a tear for her, just felt great relief when she disx.

I find it difficult when people are upset af a parent's passing as I just can't relate to it.

You do but you never forget them. My dad died when I was 26 and my mum when I was 34. I am an only child. I still miss them and think about them often- at least once every day, usually more. I don't think about them in awful ways, I remember my childhood, what they were like as characters, things they did, said, what mattered to them, what they taught me, how much they loved me. I think about their effect on me as a character. I often think about what they would make of situations or choices I make. I laugh when I am telling DH or DC or PIL about them.

I wish my dad had met DH- he would have liked him a lot. I wish they had met our 3 DC- they would have loved being grandparents and been great with DC. I'd give anything to spend another day with them.

But I live my life quite happily - and that's because of everything they gave me. I feel like I owe them to live life as well as I can.

It's so hard, and I think it makes you realise your own mortality too.
It took a long while for me to remember my mum as the fit and healthy person she had been because the picture of her lying ill and in pain wouldn't go away for ages. There's no point working hard to hurriedly move on, you have to allow yourself time to grieve and to heal.

I think you feel very vulnerable following the death of a loved parent. It’s as if the top layer of your skin is missing

I think that's a good way to put it.

I lost my mum when I was 35, she was only 63
But my grieving started when she was diagnosed terminal and was bed bound for the last few months of her life. We always Saturday shopped together and had fun days out together with my children and I grieved for moments like that. I still miss her terribly but as they say, time does heal. She was in my dreams almost every night after she passed but that gradually got less. Strangely enough, I found the dreams quite comforting.
We all have our own way of dealing with loss and we all need time to grieve - however long is needed.You will come to terms with it when you're ready and you will have happy times again ❤️

My mum died nearly fifteen years ago and, while I still miss her, it is a sadness rather than the awful initial grief.

My biggest regret is that she never met my daughter.

Also my mum died at 60 when she should have had many more years. It also strangely helped that I could see her death as a release for her as she had cancer and I didn't want her to suffer anymore. Must be harder if it is sudden or unexpected death.

I would have liked the rituals that some communities have around death and bereavement. I wish that we still wore black armbands to let others know that we are in mourning I could not deal with other peoples problems when I was grieving let alone other people and their aggression eg road rage incidents. I think you feel very vulnerable following the death of a loved parent. It’s as if the top layer of your skin is missing

I think the loss is sad whether you were young so didn’t have them for long enough or older and are so used to having them. My mum refers to it as the changing of the guard.

I had made peace with my parents dying long before they actually did, as they were both elderly and having issues, so in a way it was a relief when they both went. I had no waves of grief or anything like that, and have been quite matter of fact about it all.

However, it is something that is always with you. I think of them both often, and even "talk" to them inside my head.

Once when visiting my DM in her rest home I heard a woman, who was well in her 90s, telling someone that she still missed her parents so it seems it never truly goes away. However, life goes on, and it does get easier.

I’m so sorry.

my Dad died nearly 10 years ago. You don’t get over it but it does get easier and you start to smile as you remember rather than cry.

When my mum was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, I was bereft and really struggled throughout her chemo. I've since found out that is called anticipatory grief. When she died, I was still stuck in "coping" mode, as we'd had a rocky 6 weeks as she declined in hospital and then we moved her into a wonderful hospice. I was so busy "coping" (so i thought), we were whacked with lockdown and I had to deal with sorting out work, supporting my kids through GCSEs & A levels when the schools were closed. It was a lot to deal with. Two months after my mum died, I just found I couldn't catch my breath one day. It was like I was drowning, I couldn't breathe. I choked when I tried to talk, I couldn't function. My gp pointed me at a local bereavement support service, and I had weekly calls with them for 6 months. I'm not exaggerating when I say they literally scraped me off the floor and got me back on my feet. 3 years & 2.5 weeks later, I'm not over the loss. It's bloody tough being an orphan at any age! And you mourn not only the parent you have lost, but your own childhood, you mourn the relationship you wish you'd had, and the relationship you wanted your children to have. Yes, death is part of life but I honestly think grief hurts so much because its part of love. Sorry, not meaning to be mushy

You don’t get over it you just eventually get used to them not being around. Mum almost 4 years ago dad 6 months later. It was devastating and painful and I miss them both so much. I find comfort visiting the grave and I talk to them. The milestones are difficult and I often find myself wanting to ask them something that I know they would know or tell them family news. It’s good if you have someone you can talk to about them without judgement or their discomfort.