To ask if you ever get over a parents death

I have not experienced a loss of a parent. However my aunt lost her son suddenly and unexpectedly in their early thirties. It made me realise that any parent would choose for it to be them than their child. Perhaps that may be of comfort to some. Both my parents lost their dads as children. My mums mum was also only 70 when she died. When my cousin died, I thought that time is a healer was complete nonsense. But perhaps a death of an elderly parent may be easier to come to terms with. The only things that's guaranteed in life is death.

The pain I felt when I lost my mum was unreal. I couldn't stop crying and still cry sometimes now. It does get easier but my last phinecall I had before she died ill never forget and glad I had it. 2 days later she died of Sepsis and a perfersted bowel

I lost my Dad when I was 31 (sudden) and my mums been diagnosed with a terrible neurological illness which has progressed quickly to remove her quality of life but will likely be a very slow end. It’s heartbreaking to watch. Therefore, I’ll have lost both my parents before I turn 40. I have no grandparents left and never had any aunties/uncles or cousins as my parents were both only children. I have a newborn baby and that’s the only thing that keeps me going.

When I lost my dad I would beg the gp to let me know exactly when the pain would stop and he said it takes time. It took me 6 weeks until I was well enough to get back to work without breaking down in tears everyday. You then have good days and bad days, I found my wedding period the year after difficult. The more time that goes on it’s just certain memories that trigger me.

With a sudden death it’s all the unknowns/wish you had asked them. Have a think about things you want to know more details about things that have happened in your past / your children might want to know and keep a note of the answers. Who people are in photographs, what other relatives were like etc. You sound like you have had a wonderful life and time with your mum and like you said she has always been there for you through those milestones. It’s going to be upsetting and difficult but keep those amazing memories close and keep making special memories / giving her your time. You can then take comfort in knowing she was as happy as she could be in her illness and that will help you through your pain :)

Your experiencing anticipatory grief, I had never heard of it till my dad in his late 50s was dying from a terminal illness. His diagnosis went from a few years to months to weeks very fast. When he was dying I had endless energy (adrenaline) but also multiple times a day this almost panic would come over me, and it would feel as if all the air was winded out of me. I was so scared that he was no longer going to be here. When he actually died, I didn't feel relief but just ok we are on to the next stage. The gut punching panic did subside quite fast as he was now gone so I had no choice but to continue on however it did change me. Even though I have a loving husband and small kids, I was a grown woman in my early 30s and had successfully been running my life before he died I suddenly felt so vulnerable and alone. My dad and I were extremely close, I kind of always knew in life it didn't matter if things messed up because I had the safety net of him (not monetary, he had none) but in the sense of him, his presence and his home. I suddenly didn't have that anymore and it hurt to my core. It still does but it does get easier, slowly you start to have one good day followed by lots of bad days but then the good days become more with less bad days.

Its true, the loss stays with you always, life and yourself just grow around it. I miss him so much more and more infact and it feels so unjust that such an amazing man with so many plans was taken so soon and in such a cruel way however he is here in many ways. I know exactly what he would say in nearly all situations and I know he wanted me to live a full life not shrouded in grief because to do so his love would have been in vain and I am sure your mother will want the same for you.

This is not going to be an easy time, it will hurt but you will eventually come through it and grow from it. Please read about anticipatory grief knowing what I was feeling was normal helped me realise I was coping so much better than it felt at the time.

Use this time just to be with her, look at photos, chat and just be in her presence, soak her up. Sending you a hug x

Yes. My mum died when I was in my late 20s. She never met my DC. Nearly 2 decades later, it is more a wistful feeling rather than anything raw.

I am really sorry you are going through this. Watching our parents die is absolutely awful & I'm sorry you are having to experience it.

In terms of your questions.. my Dad died 8 months ago, I was 35 and my dd was 9. I don't feel that overwhelming sadness on a daily basis anymore but my god its true when they say it comes in waves. I still have really hard days where it hits me and sometimes I still find it hard to beleive that he is gone and i miss.him so much. I think about him every single day. But .. I can function now and get on with daily life. In terms of changing you, it has changed me, but for the better. I really do realise how precious life is now and how important it is to keep myself as healthy as possible and really just to get out there and experience and see the world but most importantly, not take people for granted and spend as much time as I can with the people I love. I won't lie, there is likely some really difficult days ahead but you will get through them, 1 step at a time..when you are in those early days, literally take it one step at a time and please remember that that awful pain and sadness you may feel, won't stay forever, it does get better, bit by bit. ❤️

@freezingone Sorry for your Mum's illness.
It's never easy losing someone you really love. 🦋

Yes! Most definitely this. 💕

Actually, my gran died the same year, and only a few weeks ago I was drinking wine and listening to music and remembered her. I texted my mum and asked her to send a photo because I don’t have any of her. I just wanted to see her lovely face ❤️

You don't get over it, but you learn to sit with the grief, in quietness. The acute pain, in my experience, lessens over time; I still have moments where I reach for the phone to tell my dad something, and then remember that he's gone, and the dull aching of the heart comes back. It's been 3 years, and I'm just starting to get some of my equilibrium back.

Yes and no. My dad died when I was 18, without any warning. I’m mid 40s now. I never knew him as an adult really and he’s played no part in my adult life. That is a great sadness to me, but I also don’t miss him fixing my car, for example, because he never did.
The grief was overwhelming at first, but these days it’s just a memory which gets triggered at times. My life has carried on growing since then. But it changed me, as a person, and I will never be the person I was before then. I think of my dad at some point most days, and I would give anything to spend an evening with him, but I’m not consumed by grief in the way I was in my 20s.
Like others have said, you do learn to live with it.

@freezingone I lost my mum at 2yrs old..it had a catastrophic affect on me.
As an adult, it's different, you can express grief in a much better way, and don't rely on a parent the way a child does.
Be glad you have had your Mum well into adulthood.
Dad I lost as an adult.
I think of them both regularly, and just hope there is an 'Afterlife' where we might reconnect with people and animals we loved and lost.

My Mom passed away almost 6 years ago after a long illness and my Dad 9 months later from cancer that had been undiagnosed while he was looking after my Mom. I was so busy looking after my Dad that I didn’t really have a chance to grieve for her and then when my Dad passed, I was then busy with being the executor of their wills. It was a year later that I had time to take everything in and it hit hard. All of a sudden felt real. Now, a few years in, I would say that my memories of them are loving and I am able to think and talk about them without getting teary eyed (for the most part). You will be fine. You will never be the same, but you will find a new normal. We take time on their birthdays to go to their favourite restaurant and reminisce about them. They were funny, wonderful people and it is easy to remember them with fondness.

My Mum died 13 years ago when I was 38 and my Dad 9 years ago.
I haven't got over it, but that's OK, I don't want to - not having parents is sad.
But the raw grief passes, the moments of automatically thinking you'll tell Mum something or that Dad would like that get less frequent or at least the realisation that you can't doesn't floor you.
Key dates, especially when I am with my siblings can be melancholy, but again I think that's OK. We all cried singing Auld Lang Syne at New Year, not because we were particularly sad, but the collective emotion of the happy memories and that our parents are missing seeing their wonderful grandchildren grow into young adults.

I miss not being able to ask my Mum about raising boys.

I am currently supporting my ex ILs through degenerative conditions and do gain comfort that both my parents were spared that, and us children were also spared the caring - it's just awful.

I was sad on the Saturday before Mother's Day seeing so many people my age and older buying flowers for their Mums.

I lost my dad four years ago & I still miss him terribly, the 9 days he was in hospital dying were awful & I honestly given the chance would have ended his life for him just to stop his suffering.

My dad has been dead 5 years now. I adored him but I don't feel I had anything to get over. I wish he'd lived long enough to see dc2 (I was six months pregnant when he died) but everyone dies. He had a relatively good death for the cancer which killed him and he was philosophical. Plus by his own metric, he'd had a great life...been loved and travelled to some amazing places from Afghanistan to the then Yugoslavia. Grieving over him when he seemed so accepting would have seemed wrong some how. Instead I honour his last wishes by making sure my children know about him, that he's still talked about and remembered.

My mum died suddenly two years ago. At the time, it was so sudden and brutal that I thought I'd never recover from my shattered, broken heart but two years on, I'm still here, life is ok and I can smile again.

No the pain is not fixed. Mothers' day was awful but the pain felt like a dull spoon digging at me rather than the sharp knife it was at the beginning. I will miss her till the day I die but I won't be actively grieving for that long. Life and all its opportunities will grow up around me and somehow or other, I'll make my mum proud.

As bad as the future looks, you can do this.

Dh's father recently died. I don't think he has given it much thought and focused on supporting his mum and being an executor of the will. Not everyone is close to their parents, particularly as you have lived outside their house for so long.

My husband would say exactly this.

My Dad died nearly 20 yrs ago- we knew it was coming- as did he- terminal cancer. I was really close to him - we had some good old chats - he was very worried about leaving my mum alone and wanted reassurance the family would look after her- which we have because she is lovely.
I was devastated when he died but it gets better and these days the sadness has lifted - I miss him always - he was always into new tech and would be blown away with a smartphone!
I was lucky - he walked me down the aisle to marry DH and met DS (although he was just a baby) . I still have dreams where he is there and not ill. I'm your age O/P and my mum is nearly 80 and after being in good health until her mid 70's she was diagnosed with bloody cancer last year. I am with her every step of the way - I take her to all her appointments and she is doing well but is now quite frail. We keep going though and try and laugh about it most of the time. It's hard but you'll get there

Both my parents are now dead, Dad many years ago and Mum more recently. It took me months before I could say the word as it felt so final. The pain of first losing them took my breath away it was so dreadful and I never thought I would get over it. Years on I still think of them both every day even if only fleetingly. I was lucky that I had wonderful parents and have many happy memories to look back on of my childhood. Those make me feel happy and get me through the sadder moments.

The thing to remember is your parents made you so they will never entirely leave you as you carry a part of them inside you. Everything you have done and will do is because of them.

OP, I am sorry for what you are going through and what you have ahead of you.

I wish I was as close to my mum / dad as some of you all seem to be.
When they die, I will be sad. But I don't think I will grieve for very long.

Lost my mum 4 months ago very suddenly. I was in a trance for a month. my DP who I had only been seeing for 8 months at the time was great and was there when I needed him. He wasn’t sure how I would react. He thought it was odd I was so calm and measured when I found out and for weeks after. Was waiting on me breaking down. In fact lots of people said the same. But never lost a parent so not too sure how I would react. Now know I am the measured one out of the family.

I found living life normally hard- well adjusting to the new norm. I was very grumpy and it’s only last few weeks that I have enjoyed work and can concentrate. I feel guilty I couldn’t be there, but I had a few hours warning it could happen and I was 6 hours away.

it’s stupid things that get me. Like her perfume or songs or things I want to tell her. She was my cheerleader in life. I forget sometimes she died. I do my grieving alone as I don’t want people to fuss and feel my mum would get annoyed if I was still upset. I do ask if need support, but that’s my way.

Yes I will continue to live without her. I will never forget. More worried about my dad now so it’s distraction. But you can’t control death and I was going to happen at one point in my life. Death is shit

My mam died very suddenly and unexpectedly just after Christmas aged 67.. im 36 with two young children and my sister is currently trying for a baby.

It has been horrific, I can't sugar coat it. But the biggest thing has been the shock with it being so sudden as my mam hasn't been poorly. I last saw her on Christmas Day abs she was full of life and healthy and gorgeous. Hours later she dropped down dead.

It's been almost 3 months now and day to day is easier, im back to work and I can smile and laugh but omg when I really stop to think I'll never speak to my mam or see her again it breaks my heart... we were so so close.

I'm sending you so much love right now, I can't begin to imagine what you're going through and also having the grief process sort of start prematurely... take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself. 💕