To ask if you ever get over a parents death

I lost my mum at 26. This year is the 10 year anniversary. For me it's a loss and a change to your life that you can't describe or understand until you go through it.

I'm not the same as I was 10 years ago. As you age you change, and your grief stays with you, but it's very different to the initial shock and devastation. I call it "my sadness"; randomly, I will think of how much I want to talk to my mum, or it still cuts me to the bone how sad I am she's not here.

But I'm also able to remember now how much of an incredible mum she was, and if I have a child, how I hope to live up to her.

My mother died when I was in my twenties. She never met my DH or knew my children.

My father died at a much more 'normal' stage of life for him and me. (over 20 years ago now)

It was horrible both times but yes, I got over it. I think about them, I remember them on special days but I'm not the sort of person who commemorates the day of their deaths. There are no graves to visit. I am sad my DC didn't have a DGM but they loved their DGF although 2 of them were quite young when he died.

I see some people absolutely distraught for a very long time afterwards and I must admit it's not like that for me, even though they were great parents and I loved them dearly.

@MonkeyMindAllOverAround i hope you don’t mind me asking but what do you mean by a “pause” in your communication? That’s resonated with me following the death of my dad late last year.

You just learn to live with it, in my experience.

My dad was diagnosed with dementia and died five years later. He was an empty shell when he died and I was begging the doctors to stop pumping him with antibiotics every time he got an infection. I had done most of my grieving by the time he was gone, in stages. In that way I think it was easier on me than on many people, but I am caught out sometimes at the unfairness. Life isn't fair though

For me it was overshadowed by my ExH telling me literally within weeks that our marriage was over. In my head that period is one dark bundle of sadness.

I lost my mum 3 years ago when I was 21, it definitley changed me as a person in some good and some bad ways. She never cared what people thought and I've taken that on from her and she had a dark sense of humour that I've noticed more in myself that gets me through.
But it wasn't her time and she won't see me get married and she never got to meet her first grandchildren so there's a hole in my heart that won't ever be replaced and it has made me harder and slightly bitter but hold onto everything special about your mum and it'll get you through the darkest days🌸❤

My mum died 3 years ago quite unexpectedly/quickly in her mid 50’s. I was of course a mess to begin with but felt much better after a few months (still very upset of course but got on with things fine). I’m just now starting to get really upset about it/miss her lots again. I think it’s because my son is just turning 1 and I see the lovely relationship he has with my partners mum (which I’m really happy about) but it makes me sad that my mum will never meet him. It comes and goes, you get used to it but there’s always little things that will bring the sadness back.

I’m so sorry about your mums diagnosis.

My dads terminal diagnosis terrified me, and right up until the last moment a part of me truly believed that some miracle would happen and everything would go back to normal. Completely ridiculous obviously, but nearly a year later and I still can't quite grasp that he's not here anymore.
I am not the person I was 3 years ago, my outlook on my own life and the people around me has changed, but one day at a time, I am learning to live with it. Sending you lots of love. Be kind to yourself with what's to come. There is no right or wrong x

Like everything significant that happens, you grow around it - like a scar, or a knot in a tree, you are altered by it but you go on.

The grief you do "get over" in terms of not actively grieving eventually. For me it took a good year - I was a total wreck that first year - and it was roughly two before I could look back on memories with gratitude and warmth rather than loss.

Now I feel mostly grateful for the manner of her death. Having had friends lose family to covid, dying alone and scared, I can appreciate that whilst hard for those of us still living, her death was a great kindness that came with no pain and a chance to say her goodbyes.

In that first year I did find it hard not to feel rage at my much older FIL, who moans endlessly about how horrible it is being old (and anything else he can think of to moan about - he's your basic Dementor). All I could think was "you got 15 years more than she did, and she deserved them far more than you."

(For the sake of family harmony I kept my rage to myself and avoided FIL whenever possible)

Who he was will inform who I am, how I act, how I see the world, how I parent my own child. Maybe it's corny but I actually found it really lovely and think it's true. My dad is part of me. Sometimes I imagine him telling me things, or telling my son a story.

I think this is really what is meant by the concept of eternal life. Yes your Father's physical body is dead, but he is certainly not gone. Human beings are so much more than their physical bodies.

@BeachBlondey I totally relate to what you are saying. Once you've experienced the death of someone close you know that the life that you've always known and taken for granted can and will change. You suddenly feel grown up.

After experiencing grief, the world just feels a bit duller, a bit jaded and you're far more aware that everyone dies and so will you, more so when you see an old face looking back at you in the mirror.

I felt like that from a young age. My grandad, dad's dad, who lived with us and I spent a lot of time with, was knocked down and killed when I was 4 years old. He was there and then he wasn't. I was very ill with sepsis and could have died myself when I was 7. My grandmother died suddenly in her early 60s after going into hospital for routine surgery, when I was 11. My best friend's dad died suddenly aged 50 when we were both 16. My uncle died suddenly of a massive heart attack in his mid 40s. My cousin died in a freak accident aged 31. This all happened before I was 25 - and I'm not saying any of this was like losing a parent young or anything like that, or losing a child, god forbid, and I am really lucky to still have my mum, but I think lots of people don't go through a charmed and innocent life not experiencing grief or loss until they lose a parent. I feel like I've always known that life is not to be taken for granted and can be cut terribly short.

That’s so moving. And so true.

Sorry to hear your situation OP💐The period leading up to a bereavement and then the immediate aftermath is hard, the joy of life is sucked out. It does get easier over time. I lost a parent 5 years ago. The first few weeks / months were hardest obviously, they were ever-present in my thoughts, I would cry on the bus on my commute. Once the mental adjustment was made that I wouldn't see them again (probably took me about a year) it got easier, so I remember them but don't get the jolt that they are no longer here. It's harder for my remaining parent as their life changed more significantly with the loss, whereas my day to day life didn't change much (still busy with work/kids etc.)

Look after yourself @freezingone

Hello OP, firstly i'm sorry to hear about your mums terminal diagnosis, i remember that shock feeling well. When i was 20 and my mum was 48, she was diagnosed out of the blue with terminal secondary brain cancer. We only had 2 months from diagnosis when she seemed well but with a few mild tia symptoms, to when she passed away. Its a few months off 13 years since we lost her, and life feels normal now without her here. The first few days it felt like the world had ended, for the first year i expected her to walk into the room at any point. I swear around 5pm when she would normally get home i'd hear the noise of her key in the door, even if i was busy and completely unaware of what time it was. (i was almost completely housebound disabled, living with parents with dad my full time carer) I can't honestly remember how many years it took, but for a long time now its just daily life like usual to not have her here. I'm not sad, i smile when i think of her, and its very rare and only when i'm specifically thinking of the final weeks of her life and how ill she was that i feel upset. It is a shame she never met my wonderful partner, and that she won't be around for any big life events like if i finally move out!, marry or have a child, but my life is happy without her. Of course i love her, miss her and think of her every day, and due to my health issues i was as dependent on her/my parents as much as a child would be when she passed, i wasn't an still am not an independent adult with my own life and home/family who only saw her for visits etc, she was a big part of my everyday life. I don't like to think of it as "getting easier" or "moving on" more that you just adapt and in time it becomes the new normal, as if they're just out/in the other room rather than an overwhelming sense of they're gone forever. I don't know what i believe as far as an afterlife, but whether theres a heaven and i see her again, or theres nothing, i'm at peace. I have wonderful memories of her, she made me who i am, and while i will live far more of my life without her around than i did with her here, shes always with me.

For me, my Mum's death changed me, in so much as I just don't feel "innocent" anymore. When you're young, and your parents are young, and you haven't been marred by anything tragic, life feels so joyous and carefree. After experiencing grief, the world just feels a bit duller, a bit jaded and you're far more aware that everyone dies and so will you, more so when you see an old face looking back at you in the mirror. Yes, I think whilst I am okay on a daily basis, I don't think I'll ever feel blissfully ignorant again. I don't even know if this will make any sense to anyone?

Yes, though I guess it very much depends on when they die and the circumstances, and the relationship you had with them.

My dad died aged 82 in 2019 and had been quite unwell for the last two years of his life so in some ways his death was a relief, and it was also a well-cared for, peaceful death. Sad that he didn't have more healthy years but he wasn't himself really after a massive heart attack five years before he died. Glad we had a few more years with him. It also made my DM quite unwell, all the stress of looking after him. She is 83 and really well now and I think we are both at peace with his death. We still talk about him and include him in things "What would he have said about that?"

This is how I feel too.

My dad had dementia. We had "lost" the real dad several years ago. Recently he was not anyone I recognised - anxious, shouty, aggressive, scared, not recognising close family members. So when he finally died it wasn't as much of a shock as we'd been dealing with losing him over several years. There was definitely a sense of relief that he was finally at peace.

My dad died two weeks ago, I'm doing ok. I have bad moments but not bad full days. He was suffering towards the end and I know he was miserable. I miss him with everything I have but I am able to get up and carry on each day.

I can only speak for myself, but yes, you do. I lost my dad when I was 18 (I'm early 40s now). The loss was complicated by the fact that he was a bit of a bastard. Had minimal to do with me growing up. He was diagnosed with advanced cancer and passed less than a month later, so there was very little time to prepare, no one in the family was actually honest with me about his prognosis, so I never really got to say goodbye while he was conscious, and being 18, I was his next of kin (no partner or close family) so I had to deal with funeral plans, clearing out his home, probate, selling his home, etc. It was the loss of a parent combined with the loss of any chance of actually having a relationship with him combined with the enormous stress of tying up all his affairs...all as a teenager in the middle of my first year of uni. It was really complicated and difficult for me.

I would say the first year was especially tough, first few years after a bit less - really only came up on significant days, but after about 10 years, it was fine. I know that sounds like a long time right now, but by that I mean, that my birthday could go by and I wouldn't think about how he wasn't there (he wasn't bloody at most of my birthdays when he was alive either!), and I wouldn't necessarily feel anything different on the anniversary of the day he died, etc. It's been 20 years and honestly I don't really think of him anymore. Maybe that sounds sad, but it's true. He was bigger in death than he was in life and the loss has healed and I'm focussed on the life I have (which is great). That said, I have lost my mum (still living, but she's chosen a man over me and her GC) and the pain of a parent choosing to have nothing to do with you, that feels like something I can't ever see getting over, but I hope I will feel the same in time.

For me, the worst bit was watching her suffer. Death was a relief.
I am thankful every day that I don't have to watch her suffer.
What surprised me is that the love doesn't go away. Its still there. I'm surrounded by her warmth.

You don't get over the loss of an arm or a leg, so why would you expect to get over the loss of someone just as important to your life?

The loss of anyone special leaves a deep, deep hole in your soul but if you accept that, it does eventually heal. It leaves an equally deep cavity into which you can put anything you choose.

I've lost both parents, two husbands and a fiancé. I could have chosen bitterness and permanent sorrow but that would not have been a fitting memorial to them. Instead I chose to stay as open as I could to the possibility of having a good life, whatever that might look like. I have learned so many things from these people, both in their lives and in their deaths, that I am immeasurably grateful for. I do still wish sometimes that I could have learned them without all the anguish involved, but I still wouldn't be without the knowledge.

It is a long, hard road to climb out of grief and the support of people who understand that helps immeasurably. But it will enrich your life in ways you can't imagine.
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I lost my Mum at Christmas last year. She'd been on a long and slow decline (dementia) so I'd grieved her loss for a while. A poster in this thread mentioned 'anticipatory grief' which sums it up quite well I think.

I didn't think that the grief when she died, would be any different. It was. Someone else on here described the grief coming in waves and that's exactly it - it's an overwhelming wave and I wasn't expecting it at all.

I was totally numb to start with - no tears and a faint sadness but I was getting on with things. It took about two weeks for it to sink in and I remember the day that it did because it ran over me like a truck and I ended up just sitting on the floor wailing.

Since then it's ebbed and flowed. I feel like a part of me has gone. However I have taken a huge amount of comfort from the support I have had on MN - knowing that others have been through this process, that time helps to lessen the burn, and that I am not alone.

It's like nothing else I have ever experienced.

My mum died when was 11. It’s just something I am used to really. I got on with life right after as I just had to and it’s carried on that way.

I am quite a cold person though, I was even as a child so that probably helps.

My dad is currently in a care home with dementia and I am praying for him to die everyday to release him from his living hell, that will just be a relief for us all. I will be able to live again then.

I don't think you ever "get over" any major life experience, whether happy or sad. You're a constantly changing person, and you internalise your experiences. Effectively, you are the sum of your experiences.

If you're asking whether the pain ever goes away, then no. But it changes, and becomes less frequent.

My Mum died nearly 4 years ago. When she died, it felt like losing a limb. Now, it's like an old knee injury. Every so often you get a twinge to remind you it's there, and in cold weather it aches like a mother fucker.

4 years in, i get moments when I have news or need advice and my first thought is to phone Mum. Those are the twinges. And then there are days where I'm having an absolutely crap day and my mum's not around and that's just the icing on the cake. That's the ache.

But the other day was Mother's Day, and I wasn't sad then, or I can look at photos and remember the nice experiences we had without missing her.