How much responsibility do you feel to look after parents in old age?

This is something I’ve thought about a lot recently. Currently we live very close to both my parents & MIL, we left London two years ago and now live near them in Scotland, but we hate it here and we’re planning to move back to London as soon as I can find a job. At the moment none of our parents need any care, mine are late 60s, MIL is mid-70s but she also lives near my SIL so will be looked after regardless of where we live. I worry about leaving my parents as they get older and what it might mean if me & my sibling both live 500 miles away from them, but also me & DH can’t keep living somewhere that makes us actively unhappy. I think we’ll just have to cross that bridge when we come to it and hope they’ve got another 10+ years before it’s an issue. I love them & will want to look after them as best I can when that time comes, whether that means moving them in with us or finding a well run care home or something in between.

My sister moved to the side of the world. My step dad is not in good health and his kids are fucking useless. I know the expectation will be on him and my mum. It worries me.

None.

I've known people who said exactly the same, that they would never let their much-loved mum go into a home. Sadly, despite their very best efforts, it became unavoidable in the end. They made as many adaptations as possible to their home, and tried their very best, but her dementia reached a point where she was a danger to both herself and them. They really had no choice other than to find a home for her.

The trouble is, I think that a lot of people, especially younger adults, unless they have seen it happen to someone else, picture someone with dementia sitting quietly in a chair all day and just needing 'nursing'. That might be the case for some sufferers, but sadly many become very violent, and certainly don't confine themselves to a chair. They can be awake all night, trying to escape, or doing goodness knows what, and even if locked securely in a bedroom for their own safety while the family try to sleep, they can still be creating havoc and depriving everyone of sleep anyway.
I think that most people would find it both physically and mentally impossible to look after someone at that stage of dementia, no matter how much they love them. 🙁

I'll look after my dad, the only parent left. I helped care for my mother-in-law after FiL died. She's now passed and had advanced Alzheimer's so I know the basics of caring for someone and I hope to never need those skills for with Dad or by husband.

I have helped to care for in-laws who had cancer and Alzheimer's, and was glad to play my part. They would have done anything for me, and I felt the same about them.

My own parents can rot, frankly. A lifetime of being reminded of my many failures, and favouritism towards my sibling, mean that we just do not have that kind of relationship. They can use all their hoarded cash to pay for care. I expect nothing from them, and I owe nothing to them.

I hadn't seen your post when I posted even though we used a similar last sentence

My mum was emotionally abusive to me and my dad so not much. I'd love to have had a better mum I could have had a close relationship with and I'd have helped in old age, but that's not what I had and it stresses me to have any dealings with her. Sometimes you reap what you sow

My siblings and I didn't consider it our 'responsibility', we considered it our privilege. But that's because our parents were wonderful parents all our lives and who planned for their old age and let us know in no uncertain terms that they did not want to be a 'burden'.

We cared for Mum and Dad when Dad was dying at home. But Mum also paid for round the clock nursing for Dad so our care was mostly emotional support for Mum, sitting with Dad so he'd feel our presence, and doing some fetching and carrying. When Mum started showing signs of 'forgetfulness' our DBro (single/no DC) moved in with her and kept an eye on things. I did 'respite' when he needed a break. When it became obvious that her dementia made it unsafe for her in her own home (night wanderings), because she and Dad planned ahead we were able to find a very nice and caring memory care facility for her. And we visited her until she died, even when she no longer knew who we were. Again, it was our privilege. Because she had earned our devoted care because of her devoted care.

If they had been neglectful or abusive, no, I wouldn't have felt a bit of responsibility. You reap what you sow.

It's also easier to say that you will care for DPs when elderly when both they and you are younger.

When DS was young, we'd always talked about asking DM to live with us if DF passed away. However thankfully we never mentioned it to her, as over the intervening decade she has gone from a vibrant self-sufficient person to a much less optimistic and anxious person. I would find it very hard to have her living with us, as would DH.

Also we have got older and frankly in my 50s with a teen, I really can't wait for a few years without major responsibilities, as it looks like I will be working until early 60s at least.

I know that makes me sound selfish, but better that than taking it on and it not working out.

No, DPs helped care for my grandfather in his home for far too long because there were multiple siblings to help so it felt achievable for a few days a week. They are putting in active plans to avoid doing the same thing themselves because it nearly broke us as a family.

GF was a wonderful man before he got ill but once he had dementia it was a full on nightmare. He nearly burned down his house, would steal people's car keys and try to drive, sexually assaulted a number of us granddaughters (he didn't know who he was and we'd all minimised it / kept it to ourselves to protect our parents until it came out) and eventually attacked a neighbour who spotted him wandering and tried to help.

There is such a vast cavern of difference between organising groceries, keeping someone company, making sure they're sorted with their prescriptions and what care can rapidly turn into. People who happily talk about looking after their parents are almost certainly imagining the former and not the grinding reality of actual carework.

I wouldn’t be looking after my dad abusive strained relationship. I would do it for my mum even though I felt she did the minimum mostly but made bursts of effort. But none the less as an adult I can see she did have forms of depression and anxiety and did her best.
this post has really got me thinking about emotional neglect though. Like how have people experienced this? I’m just thinking in terms of my own children I wouldn’t want them to think it wasn’t enough as I have 4 dc and how much of me I can give to eachs emotional well being is enough?
being a mum is so hard

My dad died 2 years ago. He had Alzheimer's, but was able to stay living with mum until 9 months before he died, then went into a home. I did very little of the care because he was still physically able whilst he was at home, and his health deteriorating rapidly coincided with the first lockdown. It became impossible for mum, he would be up all hours of the night and as soon as her back was turned he would leave the house, the police had to bring him back a few times because he got lost. He became violent if confronted.

With my mum I will do as much as I can, as she has basically arranged her life so it revolves me and my own children. She helps me with childcare although I am conscious of her age now (78). I will help as much as I can as she ages, but I will have to juggle it with my own work (I'm 35) and looking after my own kids (currently 8 and 5) and what their needs are at the time, depending on circumstances. I won't be able to look after her full time and she doesn't expect me to either.

My mum has no other children so the care and admin of it will fall to me, but it will mean that I can make all the decisions without having to consult anyone.

My Mum has said this in passing as well. I have told her that as awful as it would be to watch her suffer I have no intention of going to jail. I think it's a really selfish request for someone to make.

My Mum repeatedly says that she never wants to live with me or either of my siblings and be a burden. However I know that I would never allow her to go into a care home so she will live with me, if she ever needs to. She's always been a wonderful Mum.♥️

My mid 80's dps are stubbornly independent. I think it has kept them active and is helping them stay fit(ish) tbh. They insist on doing their own shopping, even though it takes all day but occasionally I or my siblings do a big shop for them. I had to beg them not to go out in the snow last week. I did their washing in December when they were both Ill for a few weeks but as soon as they were better I was told to leave it. They also play lots of board games, read and do jigsaws. If any of their friends get lots of help they mutter about putting on people and call them lazybones. I think they are rare nowadays but I intend to be the same if I can.

A pp asked how to future proof. Here is what my mum has done, though not foolproof.
Downsized to a small house she can clean herself with shops nearby
Completely tech savvy and can do everything from groceries to banking online
Works at staying slim and fit
Eats v healthily and does not drink
Wide network of friends and siblings whom she has kept in touch with and can rely on up to a point.
V frugal lifestyle all through the years, saving for old age

Of course all these will not work in case of dementia. But they help and make me more willing to take care of her when the time comes.

You have to be realistic too. Our sick dads care went on for years. Nobody can commit to that. In my mams world nobody works lol. You can only do so much....

I think it’s very difficult to refuse to help when you are confronted with the sudden need for assistance.

I live about 8 hours drive away, my sibling lives overseas.

I was in a difficult situation where my mum and stepfather (SF) both had a fall at home and were in hospital. There was literally no one else to bring them clothes and the other stuff they needed.

I was obliged to stay there a week mainly to sort out residential care for my SF - he had dementia. I even had to bring him to the frigging home as there was no transport available.

In was there again for another week once my mum came out of hospital. When I was home there was also constant drama about finances and practical arrangements.

The following year my mum had a fall and broke her hip. I had to take 3 weeks off work to care for her. I couldn’t work from there as the broadband is so rubbish. I am lucky I have an understanding employer.

I am dreading the next event. My mum is so horrible to people she has next to no friends and no other family, so it will fall to me.

My mum also expects me to ‘help her’ with suicide if she becomes incapacitated. She also refuses the idea of carers in the future or a residential home and will threaten suicide. No way am I spending years in prison though for ‘assisting’ her.

Yep. We were told a duty to the elderly. She full on hard work. 80s. I had step back felt she drag me down with it all. We do what we can. 3 us. Its tiring long term..

No one is obliged to look after their parents.
It’s entirely up to the individual.
In my own circumstances I was able to help care for my mother when she was dying. Similarly I helped to care for my father for the last years of his life. We had children to look after & both worked. I fully understand that many people don’t wish to provide help. That’s up to them.

I think this is true..

My parents made it clear that they don't expect us to be their carers. Of course my sister and I will look after them. But if it comes to them requiring full time care then we will not do it. (Or I certainly won't) I don't think my sister would either. I've known to many people who have been completely work to the ground by caring for elderly parents. We had a very happy upbringing and a good relationship now. But I don't feel that I owe it to them. I also love my job and wouldn't want to sacrifice that and have health issues of my own.

Mine are in their 60s and very fit so this is a long way off for me but I do anticipate having to look after them in their old age and I'm fine with that. They've always been good to me and currently they are looking after their elderly mothers, so I feel they're "doing their turn". I suppose we might have some spectacular falling out between then and now which may change my view but as things stand I'm happy to do it.

I have three siblings on my father's side from his first marriage but none on my mother's. I'm not sure how this will affect the division of labour with my siblings and we haven't talked about it. I imagine we'll figure it out as we go.

I feel totally responsible and am happy to do it when the time comes. That's what family and love mean imo.