How much responsibility do you feel to look after parents in old age?

Sorry to hear this. Glad to hear she is being struck off, she’s a disgrace and sounds unhinged

I don't feel a responsibility to society or to my parents however I'd like to help them out. I had an elderly uncle (since died) with health problems. He was literally in hospital every month for 3 years. He needed carers. He didn't want that so his health suffered. I did help out and sometimes I found it stressful but ultimately I handed over to 'the state'. I do recall a conversation with his GP seeking advice and he was unfortunate to use what became a trigger phrase...."What you need to do is...."....No, what you need to do is ....I've told you his toe has droped off and he needs input!" It's quite hard sometimes.
I've had conversations with my mum about future care. She's a very agreeable person and sociable so she's says she's happy to go into sheltered accomodation or a 'care home' provided it doesn't smell of urine!
I will fight for my right to remain a daughter and not a carer. I'll help with an internet order give occasional lifts, mow the lawn (if I feel like it) but I won't do a weekly shop, assistvwith personal care etc unless short term. I think that's fair.

There is a comment upthread about future proofing - it might delay but doesn’t stop the inevitable.

My Mum is 87, fit and has all her marbles. She moved with her late husband to a small one level house when they retired and she has a small automatic car, so can get around without much difficulty.

She is still able to clean the house etc but inevitably is not as able or dexterous as she used to be.

She has had 2 accidents in the last couple of years - one caused by someone else falling on her and the other was tripping on an outdoor walk and tumbling down a small incline. Both necessitated hospital stays and me having to stay and help her when she got home. I think people just get frailer with age and it is more difficult to recover from accidents.

I think the very elderly, particularly if they never used computers at work, struggle with tech and everything is online these days. She has an iPhone and IPad but struggles with tech generally, like online shopping.

Sorry, bit of a long one but this is what can happen when you promise never to put a parent in a home, regardless of the situation. A bit extreme but a true story.

Used to work with a woman, she was very smart, middle management and predicted to go far in the company. Bumped into her a while ago and didn't recognise her at first, she was scruffy and unkempt. She said let's go for a coffee and catch up so as I wasn't very busy that day I went.

It turned out that her mother started to get a bit forgetful in her early 60s to the extent that my colleague didn't feel she was coping at home, so moved her in with her family into quite a large house. The mother kept making her promise not to put her in care on almost a daily basis. Colleague's husband went along with it but said that if she ever got too bad the mother would have to go into care.

Long story short - kids were never able to have friends round because granny had a habit of walking into the room stark naked, sometimes covered in poo - they could never go on holiday as a family because Mum couldn't be left for more than a few hours - colleague had to leave work and they started having trouble keeping up the repayments on the house. After coming home from work to find that his MIL had left shit in the fridge the husband said he couldn't live like it any longer, they had no life, and either the Mum went into care or he was leaving. My colleague said she had promised her Mum not to do that, so he left. The lovely house was sold. The kids originally stayed with their mum but as granny's behaviour became increasingly irratic they left to live with their Dad. They felt that their Mum only considered granny in everything and didn't care about their welfare so they are now very low contact.

The mother is now dead but my former colleague was unable to get back to anywhere near her previous employment level and had a breakdown, so lost the house she bought after the split. She is now living in a crappy flat over a take-away, has lost her career, family and lovely home. She's a shadow of her former self.

As I said, an extreme example but some people on here have no idea what living with a person with dementia or complex needs is actually like and think that love can conquer all. My Dad had dementia and when he was able to I used to have him to stay. By the end of the two weeks I was exhausted (he only slept for a couple of hours at a time and would wander off at all hours). However much I loved him I knew I couldn't have him with me permanently. For his safety and my sanity he had to go into care.

Awful

DH and I are now in our 9th year of supporting parents with ever increasing care needs. If we had tried to do it all instead of insisting that any help that can be bought in was we'd probably be dead ourselves by now.

Yes, it was part of a huge catalogue of shit she caused, she also lied about a lot of things. My dad suffered abuse in the respite placement and she colluded with the care home to cover it up. Really stupid lies (like he ran across a room and lunged at her like an animal - he can’t stand or walk unaided). She’s currently suspended but will be stuck off in due course.

Something else to keep in mind is whether or not kids looking after their parents is in their parents' best interest. BIL lives with PIL and looks after them. PIL are both elderly and have physical as well as mental problems. After six months of taking care of them - BIL is now permanently angry, sleep deprived and pissed off with them. I do not think that we're at safeguarding stage yet but almost. It's not his fault. Both PIL are refusing to go into a home but BIL is at the end of his tether. The house is now toxic with all of them shouting and physically pushing each other. But so long as PIL refuse moving into a home - there is not much that can be done. Utterly depressing and can go on for years.

Absolutely agree. And it's no failure to put them in a home for any reason really.

Did you report that? I would

My parents have always said that they'd rather go into a home than have my sister and I running round after them when we have our own children to think of. They've been careful to plan ahead - got wills in place, funerals paid for, and even did a general clear out of the house, paperwork etc so that 1) it's easier for them to deal with and 2) if my sister and I have to step in, we can find things and not have so much to deal with.

Of course we will look after them if they need it.

PILs have done nothing - house is a tip, far too big for them to clean and maintain, and expensive to heat etc. They don't like planning ahead or talking about death, so there's nothing in place. They will also refuse to go into a home and expect DH and his siblings to look after them. I expect it to be horrendous as they'll all argue about every decision.

Hear Hear, @Supersimkin2. The reality of dementia is that however much you want to do it, or think you should be doing it, there comes a point where unless you're prepared to devote your entire life to caring for the patient, to the detriment of you, your kids, your job and your partner, that you just can't cope.

It is not failure to get to that point and say "I just can't do this".

None, and I won't be expecting anyone to do it for me.

There’s a hell of a difference between a genteel browse of M&S Classic Collection followed by cake with Mumsie and sole care of a violent lunatic who’s hitting you with a saucepan at 3am then shits herself.

And throws it at you.

Depends what the oldster has wrong with them, in short. Dementia, no way.

I personally feel very little. My parents both have tried to do the bare minimum for a super long time, even when my siblings and l were children. They were both super reluctant to put themselves out so l don’t feel why l should have to put myself out. Our adult lives are much busier than theirs were anyway e.g. l work full time, my mother did half that for years

Logistically it’s not that realistic as l live miles away -easily a 14 to 18 hour round trip. My husband and l both work full time, along with 2 young children that we need our annual leave for. Plus ironically they both weren’t a fan of taking annual leave for us and wanted to use it for themselves

Not helped by my mother refusing to future proof her life e.g. impractical house including no downstairs toilet, point blank refusal to ever go into a home,

My mum was abusive when I was a child. She has been totally uninvolved and rude health during the time it's taken my kids to grow up. Not there mentally or physically at all really ever. I have four kids with SEN and frankly that's been stressful and I often wonder what outcomes they would have had with invested family around. So, with that in mind, I'm not feeling overjoyed at caring for my disabled son then moving onto caring for my mum. So that's not going to happen. Advocate, check up on yes, nurse - no. like my in laws. Go and live your best life ever by distancing yourself sure, but don't then expect any kind of tight bond to suddenly appear in your frailty. Sadly that's also true for my kids. If I suggested they might want to care for their GP I think they would laugh when their dad's parents didn't go to a single show or invite them round for a single meal. That's not how it works. Not being their for them = zero bond

It's very hard to plan for the future when none of us has any idea what the future holds. 'Future-proofing' makes us feel better in the present: it doesn't give any guarantees about what the future will actually be like. All the parents on here saying that they would never want their children to give up their lives to care for them: how can you know what your future self will want? After your spouse has died unexpectedly and you are alone? Or you develop dementia or Parkinson's and are terrified living at home, seeing 'wee men' in the corner and unable to tell day from night. You might find that the 'don't you worry about me!' proclamations you made when younger don't hold much water 10 or 15 years down the line.

My granny used to say 'just put a pill in my tea!' meaning that she'd rather die than be demented and in a home. It's not realistic to say this at all. When it came to it, and she was demented and in a home, none of us was able to help her in this way. When she said it; she had capacity (and I don't think she was joking) but once she had become what she dreaded, she had no capacity to choose: that's why the 'smother me with a pillow' line is totally unrealistic.

To answer your question OP, it depends on a) how you define 'look after' and b) what kind of 'looking after' turns out to be needed.
a) I'm willing to advocate, organise, sort out possessions / house adaptations and be a source of social contact, support, listen to moans, complaints, memories and stories, encourage other family i.e. grandchildren to visit etc as best I can - but I'm not washing bums, doing cleaning or laundry on a regular basis etc. Carers can be paid to to that, so that I am available to be a daughter. b) my parents say just now that they have no expectations, they have money to pay for whatever they need. But it's clear that their expectation of ageing is basically 'as-we-are-now-but-a-little-bit-older / stiffer / slower' and that all they will need to do is move to a downstairs bedroom 🙄. They clearly expect to be caring for each other, not living alone. As I said above, is it reasonable for them to plan for this scenario? Or should they be planning for what happened to my MIL who went from pretty capable to completely disabled, osteoporosis, Parkinson's, dementia and psychosis within 18 months? Or some other scenario entirely?

Well, yes. And in the care of older children and younger adults too. It’s almost always women.

When my dad had an accident at my home and was taken to hospital and I said I wasn’t going to have him back, he was taken from hospital to respite care while I sorted his money out and looked for a permanent place, a shitty social worker said to me “oh, I assumed you were a man” (my name is a typically male one).

I said, “oh, because of my name?”

”No” she said, “because I have rarely seen a daughter give up so quickly on a parent. It’s usually the sons who put them in a home”.

So that made me feel even more like shit.

@Oldnproud I do agree with what you are saying. I work in a care home, and although the residents are very well cared for, and the staff are fantastic, there just isn't enough staff to spend the time with them as we would like. I just wouldn't want that for my Mum. However, I know that it can become impossible to care for a loved one with dementia at home, and the toll it can take on a family.

Please don’t make that commitment. I did and meant it. I had zero idea what I was signing up to. Unlike a pp I don’t think all care homes are the same. The one we found was genuinely fantastic and my mum blossomed when she went in there. My only regret was not doing it sooner, my delay made life harder for her and me than it needed to be. It was bloody lovely going to see her nearly every day and being just a daughter again.

I don’t think my mum expects anything other than for us to continue to have a close relationship when she gets older. I do feel responsible though, she has supported me all my life, why wouldn’t I want to help her if/when she needs it?

And I worry that people would blame themselves, think that they didn’t love them enough or didn’t do enough.

Lovely mums and dads disappear and are replaced by strangers who act nothing like the person you have known all your life. With my father, it’s like he’s been body snatched. There is hardly anything of him left. He’s a completely different person.

Life can be cruel. Some diseases make it impossible to have care at home. 24 hour supervision is needed and that’s impossible for a family to do, no matter how wonderful a parent is or how much they have loved you.

I love my children. Which is why I wouldn’t want them to go through the hell of caring for me. The toll on the mental health of families is indescribable.

To be honest, I do wonder what the response would be if this was a group of mostly men. Because when we talk about "family care" for elders, what we mean is "woman care".

For me, personally, I live with my parents and have made peace with the fact i will be their de facto carer. I have said to them both that the only way I will put them in a home is if it's safer or more pleasant for them than me looking after them. I have a very good relationship with them both, I'm not married (nor am ever likely to be), not bothered about having children, and my brother works away a lot, has a partner, etc. I realise this isn't the same for everyone, and that some people might hate the idea of caring for their parents. I don't think it will be easy but they are lovely people who have always cared for me, I will do my best for them.

I am torn on this one. I'm considering moving closer to them at the end of the year after being quite shocked at my mother's deterioration when I saw them at christmas, but I suspect now that she was stacking on a bit of show (which she has lifelong form for) and isn't as frail and doddery as she appeared.

On the one hand they can be great when they are behaving themselves but on the other my mother in particular can be extremely difficult.

She always said, 'I don't think I'm going to be very good at getting older' and so far she's certainly living up to that promise.

Having said that, if I don't move closer it will all fall to my sibling and she is already at breaking point with constant phone calls, interfering and comments on how she's living her life.

Part of me thinks helping them in their old age is my job and might be something I'd regret not doing. Part of me knows that too much time with my mother is extremely hard on my mental state. It's tricky.