How much responsibility do you feel to look after parents in old age?

Yes, I think it’s a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Who else will make sure they are OK?

I think we all have to make our own choices re how responsible we should feel for our parents, and we should avoid judging ourselves or each other for those choices. There are no easy options.

My mum has late stage young-onset dementia. She is mid-60s and can't do anything for herself at all. She needs help with every single aspect of life including washing, dressing, continence, feeding. Even getting in and out of a chair has become too confusing for her.

I moved in with them when the first lock-down was announced, originally for the duration of the lock-down but it became obvious it would need to be permanent. I'm sort of lucky that I have an extremely flexible job (self employed, well enough paid that I can do very few hours and still survive, can WFH) and am otherwise unattached so was in a position to do this. My sisters have largely carried on with their lives but that in itself is a really difficult choice and a burden on them.

I'm aware that my life is incredibly limited and everything in my life revolves around my mum and her needs. I am rarely away from her from more than an hour at a time. I often see people say that they would hated for their kids to give up their whole lives to look after them in old age and here's the thing: my mum as she was pre-dementia would horrified by my life now. But I can't consider what my mum then would have wanted. My only priority is what my mum now needs. And what my Dad needs as co-carer because he wouldn't be able to do this alone, no one could. So for as long as I know I can care for her and do a better job than anyone else would of keeping safe, healthy and happy - that's what I'm going to do. I definitely feel a responsibility to do that.

Sadly, I'm not sure I will still have any emotional energy left for my Dad if his needs are ever this profound.

No one should feel responsible, do what you can or what you want to do around your own life. There is absolutely no point in running yourself into the ground and then not being able to do anything.

I felt it a lot but I am an only child and have had a very close relationship with my mom over the years . I would say she was my best friend. After my dad passed I supported her to live at home and became her carer when she was diagnosed with dementia so I had to do a lot .She is in a home now but I visit every other day and take her to appointments and take her out .It feels like the right and natural thing to do but am aware my circumstances have helped me have the time to be there for her.

Most people when they go into a care home don't live for more than about 2 years.

Don't forget to get Power of Attorney.

My parents live abroad, my siblings live much closer, so it wouldn’t really fall on me. However, my parents also don’t have the expectation that we will care for them at home (both their parents went into (admittedly, quite fancy) homes

"Just helping with appointments" very much depends on how many appointments. At one stage FIL was having 3 appointments a week with 1 at a specialist cancer unit 50 miles away. Even a simple GP or blood test appointment meant committing 3 hours as he wasn't local. If he was having treatment it was 3 times a week 50 miles away. We still had 4 parents with care needs on the go then. We could easily have made helping with appointments a full time job for one of us.

Not expected but would like to think I would help, but it really depends on level doesn’t it ? Very few people can care full time for people with dementia however if it was just helping around the house, keeping company , helping with appointments etc etc then I would definitely be there

My father is 93 and recently went into a care home. He'd managed terribly well for 6 years since my mother died though of course he felt very lonely without her but in the last year he deteriorated so much that it was no longer safe for him to live independently.

I am lucky that I am one of 4 daughters though in reality only 3 of us visit regularly. I live the nearest so inevitably I get contacted and visit the most. Had a lot of urgent visits to A&E etc.

I absolutely think it's my responsibility to do so - I've been at least once a week since my Mum died - it's part of my routine and I will miss it when he's gone. I'm also motivated by what my Mum would want me to do. It was especially important during covid when I was the only one who chose to be in a bubble with him. I was his lifeline. My other sisters do a lot of medication and finance for him so they do take their turn too.

I agree Knittingneedles be clear what you will do or can do. My sisters kids are young. Im not willing to run myself ragged. So alot could fall to me if I let it. We had years of it with dad. I think people have a romantic idea of caring the reality is very hard and no break from it.

@KnittingNeedles

Pressed enter too soon.

You are right about SS though!

The hospital wanted to discharge DF after a bout in ITU on a Sunday with no equipment in place and no OT assessment. I refused to accept him although he was desperate to come home but he was so weak and hadn't even been assessed as to whether he was safe to shower. There was no way that DM could safely help him if he slipped and I made it very clear that I was not available to help.

Yes it is. Dad is mentally in a place where he doesn't consistently recognise me, and looking a pictures of even a few years ago is very difficult. Mum is fit and well (as well as you can be at 79) but is finding dad's illness mentally very difficult.

My grandparents all lived into their 80s and died either suddenly, or after a brief illness. This slow, gradual decline is something none of us has had to cope with before. My teenagers are finding it very hard to deal with. I have made it absolutely clear that they do not feel they have to see grandad and not to feel obligated. He doesn't recognise them and wouldn't remember they were there anyway.

Thank you - it is isn't it?. We had the old photos out the other day which really rammed it home that they are now very elderly.

No - I said DF would not accept it from me. That's entirely different.

And @SoHereWeGo you have my heartfelt sympathies about how difficult it is watching a parent go rapidly downhill. It's so hard.

This is what I mean by being clear about what you're prepared to do, @SoHereWeGo . You're happy to do the admin and shopping. You're not prepared/able to do the personal care.

It sounds awful but more than one person has told me that when you are negotiating care packages with Social Services, if you show any hesitation about what you might be able to do, they will assume you will do it. Because they are so stretched.

Bit of both I think - I've been helping out as required for a few years now, even sneaking over the border into Wales during lockdown as they needed help with medical issues. There was no way I was leaving my elderly parents to try and cope alone post surgery ( and with an unsafe discharge which had DF back in hospital with 24 hrs) whatever Drakeford might have decreed.

The frequency has just crept up and up and they have now moved much closer to us which whilst convenient is a double edged sword as I'm now trapped where we are now for the next few years whether I like it or not. I don't see DF making Christmas unfortunately and I think DM will go down rapidly if left alone.

I'm already in this stage of life. Both parents are suffering from failing health - DF particularly.

At the moment it's just help with life and decision making but I expect we'll need carers in soon. DF certainly wouldn't accept personal care from me; I'm not even allowed to drive his car although he can't himself at the moment and DM won't as it's too big for her.

It's life limiting at the moment but I'm OK with doing it. My parents gave me a good childhood and I do feel that I owe it to be there for them now. Dbro is as much use as a chocolate teapot.

I think it's really sensible to be very specific about what you are willing and able to do, and what is impossible. We are currently going through this with my Dad, mum has been talking to social services about what she can do for dad - like making sure bills are paid, organising medication, cooking for him - and what she is simply unable to do - lifting him, manhandling him in/out of bed, washing him, toileting.

I think a lot of posters are confusing HELP with CARE. Most of us are happy to help with supermarket shopping trips, collecting prescriptions, "baby sitting" for a few hours to allow the other parent to get their hair cut or something. Full time care is a whole other kettle of fish. Not just for people with dementia, but someone might have all of their cognitive abilities but some other issues which mean they need help with everything from getting dressed to brushing their teeth. It's a bit like having a toddler. Except a big, strong toddler who cannot simply be picked up and put into a cot. Agree that caring in this way does have implications for the wider family - no holidays, not even evenings out with friends, kids feel uncomfortable having friends round, social isolation.

Nobody gets all gleeful at the idea of packing mum/dad off to a care home. Believe me, it;s a very hard decision. In my dad's case that's where he's probably headed die to a combination of the dementia and the other issues he has. Of course we'd rather he was at home. But it's not about what we as a family want. It's what's best for dad in terms of his needs and ongoing care.

Hard to tell, I don't think I could manage my parents to living with me. I know I could manage visiting them, doing shopping, bringing food etc., (although I can only imagine how draining it can be), but definitely could not live with parent with dementia or Alzheimer, so I think I would put them in care. I am hoping I will never have to make such choice, but my parents never forced me to promise I will take them to live with me. My mum wouldn't be happy taking her MIL either and she said that, so I guess we can tell that's the family dynamics.

Honestly I don't think anyone can know until the time it happens. Depends if you are working or have other commitments that take up your time. It depends on the level of care they require. Until I'm in the situation I can't say yes I'll do everything and anything to help them because I don't know.

In Laws are going through some dementia issues currently but they have the ability to pay for care and anything they need to help them so that makes things a little easier. My parents I don't know. They don't talk to me about anything related to care/dying etc and don't want to bother me with it.

@Soes oh, l agree about the future proofing. It buys time but l know long term doesn’t solve anything. It’s more that my mother refuses to make any changes and as ever just wants to do things her way -it’s a long running theme!

Yes this!

My grandmother was the most living and selfless woman I have known. She didn't want to burden anyone and always said she would go into a home. When she broke her hip my husband immediately offered a home with us but sadly she passed away when they operated on her hip.

My MIL was a very absent parent to my DH, is great with our children but he very little respect for me or my DH and is pretty awful to be around. She has repeatedly told us she won't go in a home. In no uncertain terms I told my husband our marriage would not survive her living with us and it's not happening.

My mother in law has repeatedly said that she will never go into a home. Should she ever need full time caring I have made it clear to my husband that she can't live with us. Quite simply, our marriage would not survive it. She is an awful woman and I just couldn't bare it as it would be my responsibility as my DH works very long hours.

My husband is on the same page and has said it's not an option but I hate how she says it as though it's our responsibility and she is entitled.

My own mother would not want to burden us and would prefer to go into a home but I would care for her if she needed it.