How much responsibility do you feel to look after parents in old age?

I'm 100% with you on this.

Presumably you dont live in the UK. We dont have this choice but hopefully the law will change and assisted dying will become legal.

Yep, my dad was insistent he would take his own life if he was diagnosed with dementia. He saw his sister in law suffer in a care home for 10
years before she died.

Unfortunately, it isn’t something you are just diagnosed with one day. By the time you are you are usually too far gone to think rationally.

He now tells me he wants to kill himself everyday. But he’s in a care home so he can’t. I do think though that if he was in his own home having home care, he would have done.

Which fills me with guilt because it’s the way i handled things because no one fucking helps you why he ended up in a care home (long story). He doesn’t want to be alive. I don’t want him to be alive and suffering. If I didn’t have children, believe me, I would help him. Seeing him “live” like this is torture for me. His doctor marvelled at how healthy he is and how many years we’ve got left with him. I wanted to punch her. How is it wonderful to live when your mind has gone? In a place you see as a prison?

Whilst I get what you are saying- when dementia sets in it damages your brain so you arent thinking clearly and you would not be thinking this clearly or in this way. My dad used to say the same thing but when he got dementia he couldnt even remember how to eat or drive so there is no way he would have been cognitively able to do this. The problem with dementia is that its insidious. It starts off with being forgetful and then it completely changes you as a person. You have to be clear minded and capacitated to go to a euthanasia clinic - thats the opposite of dementia, sadly.

This is very true with cognitive decline, it's the very nature of the beast. The people who are suffering don't realise they are ill.

The chances are, if you have something like Alzheimers, you won't even realise you have something wrong. My mum had a formal diagnosis of Alzheimers 2 years ago bit within a day she didn't remember she'd seen the consultant or the brain scan so she doesn't know what the meds she takes are for. She doesn't remember the problems she has or everything we do for her so as far as she is concerned she is managing just fine.

I do not feel a responsibility to care for my parents full time or to have them live with me. I have helped them and can envisage helping in a limited capacity, but I would never have them live with me.

I struggle being with them for more than an hour and have quite a negative relationship with them. Whenever I have helped in the past it has led to more expectations from them and then doing less for themselves, so I am careful now to only help where I think they need it and to not do things for them that they are capable of doing themselves.

my father is full time carer for my mum who need help with all aspects of her basic care. I’ve tried to talk about plans for if he is unable to care for to me but they simply won’t talk about it. I have let them know that I won’t be a full time cared though. They choose to bury their head in the sand rather than prepare anything.

my parents live abroad, all I know is my mum wants to go first.

I've taught my children that we are under no obligation to 'give back' anything to people who have used and abused even if they are the parents.

I wouldn't care for my own parents at all but I happily cared for my loving, kind and caring MIL.

Oh that is just so so sad! I really feel for your BiL (and you too of course).

Do you think it might help BiL if he either joined a support group for caregivers or possibly got counseling? I hear you about the fear of him 'snapping', it's a real fear that can't be discounted. My DBro who moved in to 'care take' our mum is a recovering alcoholic and my worry about him relapsing was constant. Luckily, he was open and honest and when he needed to 'decompress' he wasn't afraid to ask for help. And our mum was 'docile' for the most part so there weren't the tensions your BiL & PiLs seem to have.

There's no agency that can come in, do an evaluation, and say that your PiLs need a level of care that needs a care home and legally 'force' it? Especially if your BiL can get to a place where he can say he's no longer able to care for them due to mental health. We were very lucky in that when it came to having to find memory care for Mum we told her that she needed more than DBro could give so would need to go to an assisted living, her delusional mind 'translated' that to 'I'm going on holiday'. Thank God.

Don't agree at all. No one is under any obligation to care for someone who neglected or didn't care properly for them as a child. I can't believe you could possibly think otherwise quite honestly, you reap what you sow as others have said.

I think it would be quite damaging to mental health to have to provide care to someone who abused or neglected them as a child.

She'll be setting the example that you give back to parents and in laws. In the case of the in laws that'll be care and kindness like her dh received, in the case of her parents that'll be nothing!

There's an expectation, and a legal obligation, for parents to provide a reasonable standard of care for their children, though. It is objectively immoral to neglect your child regardless of your culture or background - even the word neglect suggests failure to meet a duty you are required to do.

There isn't a requirement to care for your parents in old age in the same universal way. In some cultures it's widespread but there are plenty where it's not. And there's no legal obligation to do so.

I don't think OP not wanting to provide nice-to-have-but-isn't-universally-expected-or-legally-required care for her parents is anywhere near shitty or immoral considering they didn't even do the required part of their role.

I saw my mum have a nervous breakdown caring for her mum and she has begged me not to try and do the same for her - I don't know if she'll feel the same when she's old.

So I don't feel obligated at all, but think up to a certain point I'd do what I could. For various reasons I'm unlikely to be living close by when my mum (hopefully) reaches a typical age to need some kind of care, so that'll complicate things too - I can say now that I wouldn't move back and nor would she want me to, but who knows in 25 years whether that'll still be true.

I will definitely be the one doing all the administrative stuff and probably financial support if needed because my sister is useless on both counts.

My dad and I have never discussed it and he lives a fair distance away, somewhere I don't want to live and he wouldn't move. However, he's got a very long term partner who is a fair bit younger, so if they're still together and she's healthy I'd guess she would end up doing more? I don't know, though.

So sorry @iwishiwasonacruise 💐

There are some deeply loving and selfless women here.

It becomes an instinctive thing, at least it was for me - when push came to shove - when my parents really needed me I was there. Neither were the greatest of parents but they were only human just like me.

The only people that didn't want me around were spouses and siblings that were more keen on the 'spoils', I left them to it and carried on looking after my parents and years later I'm glad I did.

@AcrossthePond55 we've offered for BIL to move in with us but he is terrified that if he leaves something terrible will happen to them. One of them is bedbound and the other is not mentally capable. They have carers but it's just an impossible situation and sadly can go on for years. But am also concerned that eventually he will snap and does something awful to himself or them. But they are stuck in a terrible dance - where they beg for him and he feels too guilty, neither will change anything. DH goes there every week to relieve BIL and give him respite care for a day or two but without physically moving one, both or all three out - I have no idea what to do about it.

Not a great deal. My parents don't expect much from me or vice versa, and it's never really been discussed.

I think I know how it'll pan out though. My DF will die first (he's 10 years older than DM) and DB (ex addict) will move in with her to live rent free and I'll end up looking after the pair of them.

Op your Dad says to never put him in a home. It's not like family always has a choice. My Mum has MS and its been getting worse over the last couple of years. She had a bad fall last month and ended up in hospital. They decided to move her to a care home as a step down bed, for rehab. There was no choice in the matter. They told me she might have to go into permanent care, but now theyre going to put a care package in place for her to get home.

I've already been looking after her for years. It wasn't always the best relationship, a lot of stuff I've put up with over the years, I wouldn't put up with from a partner. I would've walked years ago if I'd had the money. And because she has nobody else, I have to do it. Hopefully when the care package is in place, I can start to build a life for myself

I meant to add that this type of caregiving can also change the relationship between you. With the best will in the world, nobody is patient 100% of the time, and I was no saint at times. I also feel sadness that my mum probably thought I wasn't making time for the "nice vists", but it wasn't that at all... after juggling everything else that needed doing, along with my own life, there wasn't much time for the nice long sociable visits that my mum would have liked from me, there simply wasn't enough hours in the day. Everyone else that just visited got the benefit of the "quality time" and for that I also feel sad. Obviously there was some time for it, but not as much as my mum was craving :( just so difficult for all involved.

Not only felt it -lived it! It is like a gam of chicken, the more heartless you are, the more you get away with not doing anything.

If I’m around I will help if I’m not I can’t. I believe in Euthanasia so I’ll make sure I’m living near somewhere it is legal when the time comes for me. I categorically don’t want my children looking after me ever. I hate that I can’t plan my own death the way I want it in this country.

You do indeed reap what you sow. If you have dc you will be setting the example of how to treat one's parents in old age.