How much responsibility do you feel to look after parents in old age?

357 replies

myusernamed · 15/03/2023 07:11

As the title says.

Do your parents talk about when they are old and what they might expect from you in terms of looking after them?

Do you feel a sense of responsibility for looking after them in old age?

There is only me and my sister and she now lives a few hours away. I automatically feel as though I will be responsible for sorting stuff out.

Father often says he will never go into a home - like it's up to me to make sure that doesn't happen.

Does anyone else feel this expectation?

OP posts:

BreadwinneBaker · 15/03/2023 07:29

In my experience, the ones who say "you cannot put me in a home, I expect you to care" are the ones who have been terrible to uninterested care givers themselves.

The ones saying that they want children to live their own lives and not have the physical and emotional toll (if they even have space/time around full-time work or a home that could accommodate or they rarely Live close still)... They've been the better parents.

True in my family. In laws. Friends. Colleagues.

Clear pattern.

Rockbird · 15/03/2023 07:27

Huge. They're in their seventies and don't need caring for yet but I do an awful lot of running around for them. I have a sibling that lives near me but they're not involved in that side of things at all. I know as my parents get older it will continue to be me. They've done an awful lot of me though so I don't mind.

WindowGazers · 15/03/2023 07:26

I would gladly look after my parents, but only because I love them dearly and they have given me an amazing life thus far. I am a firm believer, however, that nobody is obliged to care for their parents. They chose to bring us into the world, not the other way round.

nervous234 · 15/03/2023 07:26

Wouldn't say expected, but I see it as my responsibility, yes.

ImCrunchyOnTheOutside · 15/03/2023 07:25

DM -mid 70’s-has been saying for years ‘just put me in a home’.
However, DF (long divorced) recently needed daily visits and lots of help and is now in a dementia care home. It’s awful and, unless DM loses her faculties, I can’t see ourselves suggesting she go in a home but I have chronic health issues, a disabled child & DH has stage 4 cancer. Sibling is very much ‘out of sight, out of mind’ so I know the responsibility will be all mine. It’s a worry for sure.

abyssofwoah · 15/03/2023 07:25

My mum hates the idea that I would have to do anything for her when she becomes less able. But I do see it as my responsibility. She’s always looked after me so I will do the same for her when the time comes.

Faircastle · 15/03/2023 07:20

They didn't care for me when I was a small child (intermittent neglect / emotional abuse then private fostering arrangement for the rest of my childhood), and I don't feel particularly burdened by a sense of duty. I wouldn't want them to suffer, and I do have basic compassion, but I am also protective of my boundaries and am no longer emotionally invested.

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