How much responsibility do you feel to look after parents in old age?

Yes very much so. Despite having a very fraught upbringing and a lot of emotional neglect, I am now seen as the one (older sister of 2 siblings) to give care to ailing parents.
My parents refused to move closer to us when they were well enough, now they are too ill to move (apparently) so they’re a 2.5h each way journey away.
They refuse any form of paid respite despite being able to afford it. They refuse to move to a more practical property or location. They refuse to use things like smartphones or tech that would help them. They say they will never go into care homes. They expect me to drop my life/kids/responsibilities and provide respite care to them. I suggested we “pull together as a family” eg my brother pitches in with childcare to release me to care for them. Was like I’d suggested president Putin take care of them instead.
There is this constant undertow of feeling I haven’t done enough for them, when they really did the absolute bare minimum for me. Any attempt to discuss this with my mother results in her acting like a persecuted child.

Totally agree, @Thighlengthboots. I think many people on this thread have a romanticised idea of what caring actually is. Are they really prepared to give up work and let their own kids/husband fend for themselves for months and years? Because that is the reality of being a carer for a frail elderly person, or someone with dementia.

My dad also used to say he'd never go into a home but thats not always realistic. He ended up with dementia and was getting up in the middle of the night trying to wander out of the house etc He'd also try to put scissors in plug sockets and leave the oven on and multiple other dangerous things. I could not practically work , look after my young kids and stay up all night long aswell to ensure his safety so he did go into a home. I'm an only child so I did feel it was my responsibility to ensure his safety and I found an excellent home for him. However, I didnt feel it was my responsibility to have to stay up 24/7 to watch him all the time as thats not practical for anyone to physically do. I would have had a nervous breakdown trying to do that and I also have a responsibility towards myself and to keep myself healthy and well so that I can be there for my children. You cannot be personally responsible for absolutely everyone and everything in life- you arent super human and me having a breakdown is hardly going to help anyone.

My parents were rubbish when I was a kid, my mum still is (alcoholic lying manipulative narc) whilst my dad has really turned it round and been amazing for the last decade when I have really needed some support.

So the golden kids of the family had best be looking out for my mum because I won’t be, but I’ll be there for my dad.

Ha, mine are exactly the same.

This. It is so dependent on how your relationship was with them growing up. I did help
My dad care for my late mum at home for a year before she died. It certainly wasn't expected but I'm glad I did.

My parents have told me and my siblings to put pillows over their faces. Lol, obviously a joke but my dad has always said to me the best thing parents can do for their children is to not “linger”

Think he is a just a realist.

My siblings and I supported our parents before they died -they were both ill physically, though not mentally , and we knew the time was limited. It was hard though as it can take over your life and other things/ people fall by the wayside.

My MIL was a different story. Needed and expected a lot of help and for various reasons, proximity in the main, DH & I got dragged into it during Covid The care became progressively harder and more personal, more intimate than I had ever agreed to provide. I am still resentful of the toll it took on us.

Once you start down that path it can be very hard to break away.

So, my advice would be to give it thought now , decide where your personal line is, and when the time comes, engage with services ( GP, OT, SS) very quickly.

Totally agree with @BreadwinneBaker .

None! Your reap what you sow. I was too young to feed, wash myself, they’ll be too old. I take good care of my elderly PILs though. Apparently my DH had a blessed childhood, so I am happy to help them when they need it.

I won’t be doing a thing ! My siblings can do it all the whole lot for our mother

She emotionally and physically abused me and even to this day tries to sabotage my life so they can have the pleasure. I’m not even getting any inheritance so she can rot as far as I’m concerned. I hope she’s hard work for them both too after they stood by and never helped me

I don't think "responsibility" is necessarily the right word. As a pp said, it's my dad, I'd do it for him, not because I felt obligation to. Additionally he would hate carers so unless I absolutely cannot do it myself, I would not want anyone else to. It would be the last kindnesses as his daughter really. A few years off hopefully.

I do a lot for my remaining parent, more than my sisters but I have made it clear I won’t be providing any personal care that will have to come from carers or moving into a home if necessary, but they are nearly 90 and still very capable

I don't know what my parents expect of me but I won't be able to practically or emotionally offer high levels of care. I have complicated relationships with them both and I while I probably do love them both, there is a level of toxicity in the relationship which has resulted in me putting in firm boundaries. My DB lives a good few hours away too.

@Cosyblankets I know, that's what I meant they'd be expected to pay for their own care with money/assets intended for their children so they won't want that (not because they're tight but because they see it as they've worked hard all their lives and want to ensure we're OK when they die) which leaves the only option of them staying put and me looking after them....that's what worries me! To make it even harder to get out of I can even see them coming up with the plan of "paying" me so I'm not out of pocket and could still afford mortgage, bills etc to move and look after them....

Three years ago both my parents were in fine form especially my mum. Now she’s dead and my dads in a home. The elderly can deteriorate alarmingly fast.

if there’s anybody who has to move. It should absolutely be the parent
not the other way around.

Dad, zero.
He was a feckless twat and has put me down as NOK because my brother is NC. He's in for a shock quite frankly.
Mum, minimal. I had a shitty, neglectful childhood. I'll not be supporting in her second childhood.
They don't deserve my care.

Parents mid 80's. They certainly have never expected me to care for them in their old age, but I do it out of love for them.
The majority of any help comes from me as my siblings live abroad.

My parents died before they got old so I didn’t have to make this decision. But I did help them a lot when they were reviving palliative care, and I would have looked after them in old age if it had been needed. (Though I suspect they would have refused and would have paid for care).

I have in-laws who are lovely and live just round the corner. I will help as needed (up to a point) when their time comes.

Some but I also think it’s incumbent upon people to plan as they get older. Seen so many older relatives do nothing and then end up in unsuitable housing or struggling along. PIL are like this now. Won’t downsize, don’t put me in a home etc. Well, what do they expect us to do? We live miles away and BIL is abroad. Certainly happy to help out and advocate but won’t become a carer.

If they have the savings and a house it's not up to them who pays for it though.

Currently in this situation and with all due respect with those who have parents who are fit and healthy and with all their faculties, you just don't know what lies ahead.

My dad has gone in 5 years from an independent person living a full and healthy life to someone who needs supervision 24/7 and help with basic tasks like getting dressed because of dementia. It is incredibly difficult and in order to do the "looking after" it would mean either me or my sibling being there all the time. And I don't mean "popping in" once a week or even for an hour a day. I mean ALL the time.

It's all very well having this idealised notion of looking after meaning making them cups of tea and running them to Tesco. But caring for many elderly people with dementia means dealing with anxiety, paranoia, being sworn at, dealing with a distressed parent asking for their mum, dealing with incontinence.

It's also very clear that parents who say "don't ever put me in a home" or "I expect you to care for me" have little to no idea what might lie ahead for them.

This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately as my parents are getting older. I live hundreds of miles away, work full time and have children (and a husband). Am I expected to give up work and move back in with them when they can no longer look after themselves???? I can't afford to give up work as we need two incomes to pay the mortgage and bills. I have a sibling who lives closer but feel the burden will still fall on me.
The alternative is carers or a home which I know they wouldn't be happy about. Also who pays for it all? I couldn't afford it and they seem to think the house will go to me and my sister when they die (so no plans of selling it to pay for their care if needed prior to dying) and know they're probably expecting to leave us their savings too.
So watching this thread with interest.

Zero. My dad is already dead so that’s not an issue. My mum neglected then abandoned me so hell will freeze over before I do anything for her. It’s the one positive I am now seeing from my shitty childhood. I’m in my 50s so many of my friends are now spending huge amounts of time caring for elderly parents. For some I have seen it taking them near breaking point, so I am somewhat relieved I have no responsibilities in that way.

Next time your father says he will never go into a home, look him in the eye and ask him what he plans to do when he is unable to look after himself.
I assume as you are posting he is getting elderly? If so he needs to be future proofing his life.