How much responsibility do you feel to look after parents in old age?

Recently I’ve seen a few threads on here which are either titled, or touch on, what will childfree/childless people do when they’re old and there’s no one to care for them and they ‘end up in a home’, or people discussing having an only child and people saying they shouldn’t because they’ll have to handle the care for their parents all alone/people have been told having an only is selfish as they child will shoulder the entire burden of care for them when they’re old/similar. I hope some of the posters from those threads see this one.

In real life I don’t know anyone who cares for their parents and very few who help their parents. One of my work colleagues actually decided to cut her mum out of her life as she had to go into a care home and friend had been expecting she would provide free, full time childcare for her baby when she went back to work and the second baby she was planning. Over in relationships and gransnet there have been threads similar where an adult child is cutting contact/going low contact because their elderly/sick/working parents can’t provide childcare and everyone says that’s awful but then on threads where the adult children are talking about the same thing they’re told not to provide elderly care to ‘teach them a lesson’.

I would help my parents but not care for them, they wouldn’t want that either and they have plans in place eg money set aside, documents detailing wishes.

After getting all those thoughts out I think it’s unfair for parents to expect care, people shouldn’t have children or a certain amount of children to try to ensure care, adult children shouldn’t feel obliged to provide care, people should prepare for their old age and care needs to be funded properly and we need to care about our careers and respect them more.

None. My parents have & continue to actively made it clear they don’t want me to, mainly because my dad cared for my granny after her stroke and subsequent decline and he is determined that they won’t put me in the same situation he was in because I think it nearly broke him.

I swore I never would do any parent caring but then my mum developed Alzheimer’s mid 60’s and I ended up losing over three years of my life caring for her. She’s just gone into a nursing home at the age of 72 and I still do a lot for her but at least I’m not worrying about the basics such as personal care, nutrition, not setting fire to something, getting lost etc.
I agree about setting boundaries and also sibling pressure is a biggie.
At one point The Carers Support group arranged counselling for me as I had one parent dying in hospital, my DS in another hospital and earlier that week I’d spent the day in hospital with my DM who’s smashed up her home up and fallen on glass and had varoi injuries. I was close to breaking point and through counselling leant that I wasn’t responsible for all these people and it was my DC and myself that have to come first. I didn’t want to cut the ties but I needed them
to be loser.

In my own experience parents always say ( whilst they are fit) “ I don’t want you kids having to look after us, just put is in a home! Or “ if I get dementia please make sure I am put out my misery “. The reality is absolutely different. Once physical disability or dementia strike that concern tends to become more for themselves and most in that state will want to be with family and will do a massive u turn. Many refuse to go in to a home and their vulnerability and fragility combined with confusion means they will cling for dear life to what they want. Self preservation and that doesn’t tend to make people selfless. Most will not be biddable or amenable at this stage as survival mode is that human instinct and any thoughts for others far away

I will be caring for my very lovely mum in my own home when the time comes. I won't be caring for my inlaws. My sister lives abroad so I will be doing it on my own.It will be hard but mum has money of her own and we will sell her house if needed.

I would definitely look after my parents when they reach an age not to do so themselves. But both my parents have expressed that if they became too weak to continue to look at themselves they would consider euthanasia, they just can't live with the thought of becoming non able bodied

I have a great relationship with mine so I'd want to help them as much as possible rather than feeling a responsibility. As others have pointed out though, who knows what that might mean and what I might be able to do. It depends on my kids ages, what help they might actually need etc etc.

My grandmother is in her 90s and still living independently at home with my mum popping once a week to sort her shopping and stuff. She'd actually love my gran to go and live with her but my gran doesn't want to.

I'm stuck with the caring role since my sister decided to move overseas.

I feel a lot of resentment towards her because she was always the one who had their support when she was growing up, financial help in her 20s and with childcare when her DC were little. Now she's buggered off and left me to deal with all this mess as they get older.

My mum was emotionally distant when we were kids and dad worked away so I don't think we have a close relationship but I feel obliged to do it. They refuse to downsize or get more care in even though they have money on the bank.

It's exhausting and I hate it.

My mum is mid 70’s and in good health, she’s very active and attends la few groups and clubs through the week.

my mum did an amazing job bringing my brother and I up after my fathers death when she was only 32 and I was 4. So I will do my best to support and care for her if needed. Whether that be at home or in a care home, it depends on her needs, Unfortunately my brother is a waste of space so it will all be up to me .

My Dad has already died. My dm spent her 30s and 40s - years during which her parents became frail and she was left managing the burden, telling me to put her in a home if this became our future. Now she is late 60s, she's rowing back hard on that and talking about the horror of care homes. So, I don't know.

I do not nor do my parents expect my sister and I to take care of them. They had caring responsibilities with my maternal grandparents when my sister was in secondary and I was living about 5 hours away. Having to be responsible for two grown adults, one who was wheelchair bound and the other having Alzheimer’s and eventually needing to be placed in nursing home (expensive but necessary), brought in the realties of how difficult caring can be especially with two adults working and a teen in secondary and working as well. I also moved back for about a year to help out since my sister was going off to uni and it would have been too much to manage for my parents. They did pass and it was a relief it for my parents after doing it for years and it effecting a lot of what they could and couldn’t do. My mother misses her parents, of course, but the stress and the impact it had on her especially physically, mentally, and emotionally was immense and neither of my parents want to put that on my sister and I. My sister has her own business and home and lives 11 hours drive from them and I live in another country with my husband and two children, one who is autistic and says few words.

None.
They were decent parents. No better or worse than most in the 80s and 90s. They helped me with uni and with childcare, so if you tally it up, then yes, I probably owe them. But I seem to be devoid off that sense of responsibility to my parents that so many women seem to have. I don't even feel guilty about it.

Maybe I'm a man.

I will help my Dad liquid his assets & find a suitable home if it comes to that.

I don't feel a sense of duty . My dad has passed away but my mum always put her own interests first when we were kids and in big ways so I'm not going out my way to be a carer when / if she needs help later .

I think for some people it's tied up with the expectation to bequeath/inherit. If people have savings or a house or both, then they can pay for their care. I never understand the outrage some people feel about this.

@Mischance people can downsize their house. A relative of mine lives in one room of a big house because they refused to move.
Other relatives have recently moved to a bungalow because the maintenence of their previous house was getting too much for them. They're already finding life easier with no stairs and less cleaning etc.

None, they were pretty awful though, haven’t spoken in years and I’m better for it.

No. I put in boundaries early. I'm the only sibling who lives close by.

Both my siblings do shopping and all other deliveries. They pay bills and talk to Sky etc.

I visit a couple of times a week - just to visit. Carers and a cleaner go in the rest of the time.

I arranged this all pretty early on so it didn't all fall to me. Which included not visiting for a month so they realised they needed help that I'm can't/am not willing to provide.

They are great people who I love very much, but I'm not a carer.

Some but I also think it’s incumbent upon people to plan as they get older.

What do you mean by this? What plans should they put in place?

When it comes to care and support you will not know what you need till you need it, so it is very hard to plan.

I am a grandma, my OH has died (I cared for him at home, then he needed a nursing home) and two of my AC live locally. They do not need to do anything for me at present - we just socialise and have fun together. But when it comes to a point where I cannot manage by myself it will be my choice not to have them look after me - they know this. I will be happy to see them and enjoy their company but I do not expect them to look after me. They know this.

This.
I see a lot of posts on social media along the lines of I'll never put them in a home etc. They really have no idea. I no longer have my parents. I did as much as I could but when someone is falling in the night a few times a week, they live in a one bed flat with nowhere for you to sleep and the bedrooms and bathroom in your own house are all upstairs what exactly are you supposed to do? I have another relative with carers at the minute who is paying for a full home care package 2 carers 4 times a day. Family circumstances mean that is me who gets the phone calls when anything goes wrong etc. It's hard. Until you've been there It's easy and idealistic to say that you'd look after them.

@KnittingNeedles absolutely! It's not just popping in to run the vac around once a week and make a brew it is likely to seriously impact your own family.

I feel terrible for even thinking it but I just hope for everyone's sake that when the time comes they go swiftly, like my dh's parents did with no long drawn out illness/suffering.

I know I sound so harsh and wish I could say "they're my parents, I'd do anything for them" etc etc but I'm just trying to be practical.

DM has made decisions over many years that result in her now being elderly, in an unsuitable house of hoard where she's now too embarrassed to let anyone other than DB in. There's not even a suitable sofa to sit on when visiting. I'm not in popping-in distance although not excessively far either. I have to prioritise my own young DCs, one of whom is ND and the other who's had a barrage of health issues in the past year.

She hasn't exactly facilitated the situation.

We've been set on a pathway of reacting to any crises that will develop. Her own mother was fairly similar and had a fairly abrupt passing with a short illness and a fall.

MiL lived in a much more suitable property which meant that she could live independently for as long as possible, with a care package for much of the last 18m and the final months in a care setting. The load was more evenly spread and legal powers such as PoA established many years before they were likely to be required. The siblings worked well at managing the final years within their capacities.

Exactly. I loved my dad very much but I could not possibly have watched him 24/7 - when would I get to sleep?! Its very easy to say when your parents are well, "I'd never put them in a home" but who can literally stay up all night long and during the day too to ensure they are safe. Not to mention changing incontinence pads, washing, dressing, feeding and additionally, some people get very aggressive when they have dementia. There is "helping"- which is shopping, taking them to doctors appointments etc and there is "caring" which often giving up your job (who can afford that in this climate?) and what happens if you have children too? I think a lot of people are in for an almighty shock when it actually comes to that time, sadly.

My mother is dead. I have a complicated relationship with my dad. He's not always been a great parent, although sometimes his behaviour is so strange, I wonder if he has some sort of disability or special need. Irrespective of that, he has been very abusive and aggressive towards me. I don't feel a lot of responsibility towards him. I'll help organise the home he has to go to but there is no chance he can live with me. Why would I invite someone who has abused me into my home? That's as far as it will go for me. I have a brother too and I'm not some martyr, so I'll only be matching what he does in terms of visits. Harsh but he's said some terrible things to me, as a child and an adult.

I do think if you have siblings everybody needs to get together and have a proper conversation about what is going to happen. All cards on the table. It's often super hard to divide the responsibilities equally, and is dictated by individual circumstances. My sister takes on most of the responsibility for our mum because I have much smaller children and I work full-time, but in a few years I'm hoping DM will move closer to me so that I can take a turn.