How much responsibility do you feel to look after parents in old age?

Yes that was my experience with my mum. She always said she didn't want her children to look after her and she would go into sheltered housing, but her flat was easy to manage and near me and some shops so no reason to move. She gradually became more frail and vulnerable and her care needs went from shopping for her occasionally, to changing the TV channel, to washing her, cooking for he and finally changing nappies. It was her children she felt safe with and wanted me every day. We did arrange for Carers to come in but she would want to see me most days too and would get upset if I didn't come. I think we all become selfish at that stage. That I was working full-time with a child and a long commute didn't matter, she desperately wanted my company to remember who she was and feel secure.

Indeed. My 'father' is one of those who has proclaimed to never want to be put into a home. Yet he is the one who has only been interested in parenting when he gets something out of it, like power and control. When school fees or maintenance needed paying...tumbleweeds. Grimly hilarious when my mother and I look back at it now.

I would quite like to go into a home myself though. Might be fun?

My parents are adamant that if it came to it that I should put them in a home, they dont want to be a burden. Unless their needs were too high that I couldn't look after them myself I couldn't put them in a home. They have been the most wonderful loving parents so I'd feel it's my responsibility to look after them, I'd do anything for them and it would break my heart to put them in a home.

My parents didn't expect it but I wanted to care for them. I don't regret a second. I'm not good at living with a wish to have done more.

It was never expected of me and my sister, but we did it gladly. We had a pretty “normal” upbringing and family life though and both still lived locally to our parents. They’ve gone now, and we did a huge amount of care/helping (dementia involved unfortunately) and neither of us have any regrets. I have a very clear conscience which is very important to me

There's no responsibility for a child to care for their parents. The obligation is a one way street, the parents decided to have the child, not the other way around. It's the parent's duty to provide for themselves as well as their children.

I see my mum as family so I’d do the same for her as my children. Dhs Dad I would support him helping but hands on care would make me really uncomfortable. (To be fair I think he would be horrified too!)

I'm a big believer that we supposedly 'scrimp and save' all our lives, not for it to sit in the bank, but to buy in care and help as needed when we age, leaving our busy adult DC in the prime of their lives with jobs and families of their own free of the burden.
It's all very well refusing a care home but it's mightily selfish too, and usually at the expense of family who have to repeatedly rush in to pick up the pieces of repeated crises.
My DM ended up on BP medication running round after my GM who had lived a long life mostly spent travelling. Yet she was happy for her DD to forego all that to do her shopping, scrub her loo and pick her up off the floor. She would have foregone every penny of her inheritance not to have been tied like that for years. It completely ruined their relationship.

My parents died suddenly (DF of a heart attack and DM of a very aggressive cancer only weeks after being diagnosed) and somewhat prematurely so this wasn't an issue. MIL absolutely expects it. She has options but would rather emotionally blackmail DH into a caring role. He already does a lot (much more than most) yet it's never enough.

I helped in the past (she has no underlying health conditions) because I felt I was helping DH. You might guess I'm not her biggest fan but I'd do the gardening and cleaning. I stopped when I found out SIL (who lives abroad) was paying for a gardener and cleaner . She'd got rid of them years before. DH still does the garden but she now has a cleaner again. She's a complete princess, one who has never had to get her hands dirty. It was only when FIL died twelve years ago that I realised he did everything.

I don't do anything now and don't feel guilty. I am ill (which is a good excuse) but could still do some things for her but then I remember that she never helped with our DC (my parents did a lot of childcare) even when DH was struggling due to me spending long periods in hospital.

DH is drenched in FOG and adores her. All I see is a selfish woman who didn't care for her own parents or ever offer us any assistance, hence I'm happy to let her reap the rewards of that.

There is a cultural element in this too.

Definitely no right answer. I like to think I will be looking after my mother in my home but who knows?

Caring for an elderly person with health / palliative issues is a 24 hour job . In the 6 months or so I did for my parent this was everyday .
Move into their home , be on call to administer painkillers during the night / change bedding in the night because of accidents / help to get them to the toilet. Wash / assist with washing in the morning / if good day in bathroom , if bad day , bed bathe. Make breakfast , sometimes feed them if they can't manage. Get yourself ready. Tidy house , put on an endless wash/ laundry. Toilet them again , made tea, take up drinks , give medicines .Rush to do a shop / collect prescriptions. Make lunch , Sit and read to them/ chat until they slept. Watch afternoon tv whilst they sleep. Take up a drink , stay with them. Toilet them, give medication , give a drink . Make a dinner they've said they fancy , which then they don't want. Make a drink , Sit with them. Tidy up kitchen, make a drink, toilet them , wash again , change nightwear, up and down stairs in the evening to check , Sit with. Toilet again . Medication, Sit until they sleep. Watch some tv as relaxation. Check on them. Go to bed yourself for rinse and repeat.

My dad opted to go into care when it was obvious he was beginning to deteriorate after being in hospital. He came home but it was clear he could no longer be living on his own with visits daily from us and carers twice a day. He was far too vulnerable.

He went in at 91, is now 94 and he calls it home. The staff love him and the care is excellent. He never expected either me or my brother to look after him full time and told us so.

Even if that means giving up your job, moving in with your parent or having them move in with you and doing ALL the hard caring like changing adult nappies and showering them? For months/years on end?

I’ve said this to my children, I certainly don’t want to be a burden to them.
As a country we need to have a serious discussion about ageing. I don’t want to live for years like my mum with dementia scared and frightened.
I would like a pill I could take and just go to sleep.

KnittingNeedles
Yes I agree or before they get to that stage. The wandering stage is particularly hard to manage at home.

My mum is in her 80s and perfectly capable currently. But I'm not naive enough to think this could decline any time

I don't live in the same country so difficult decisions will have to be made at certain points

Yes it’s my responsibility

To be brutal @DuvetDownn when it gets to the stage of dementia where the elderly person doesn't know who you are, or where they are, and needs 24/7 care, you have no choice.

Same here. I wasn't neglected but it was clear I was unwanted , resented and every penny spent on me was begrudged. I've been excluded from the family too. I busy out of a sense of duty but I really don't want to put myself out for them . I care about them but I don't like them . Hope this makes sense .

My DH was in the camp of getting my DM in a home as she’ll be safe. We viewed 10 homes together and started chatting about if one of was in the same position as my DM what would happen. I said well you’re keen for my DM to go in a home, if you get Alzheimer’s would you be happy to live in one. He went quiet and mumbled something and wouldn’t answer properly. I wouldn’t take any notice of what parents say they would do or want, like a PP said most will become totally self centred and selfish of it means they can cling onto life.

I will do my best but just before I get to the point of resenting them, then it’ll have to be more outside involvement.

I’ve lost both of my dp’s so I’d love the opportunity to take care of them. But they were lovely, supportive parents which does make a difference.

I will help to take care of dpil, also good parents who would do anything for us and the kids and would hate to be a burden but we don’t mind.

Yep. Agree.

Yes, the "put us out of our misery" thing is just ridiculous. How?- by killing them and ending up in prison? I get why people say it but its just such a silly thing to say. As if killing your own parents is such an easy, straightforward task to do with no consequences whatsoever.