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Original poster

Depressed husband keeps saying he wants to leave

33 replies

Lostwifehelp · 25/02/2023 17:09

My husband is depressed and keeps talking about ending our relationship but then won’t move out because he’s “not sure”. We have two very young children. He wants to talk to me, but he’s always so negative about our relationship (which is not how I see things. I mean sure we have had our shares off ups and downs) and the conversations are not doing anything as far as I can see other than pulling me down. I’m not sure what to do any more.

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 25/02/2023 17:57

What is he doing to get help for his depression?
If it was a physical problem - say a broken leg, you'd expect him to do something about it, not sit on the sofa for six months and see if it improved.
Unless he is actively taking steps to get assistance for his poor mental health, it's not unreasonable for you to say you're not putting up with the constant prevarication, leave. If he does change his mind six moths down the line, you can discuss whether or not you want him back.

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 25/02/2023 17:52

@pointythings No he started therapy but said it’s makes things worse and doesn’t want to take medication.

OP posts:
pointythings · 25/02/2023 17:47

Is he addressing his depression through medication/therapy? Because that should be his first port of call, and he should be champing at the bit to start on it if he's serious about wanting to save the relationship.

If he's refusing to seek help and putting it all on you, that's manipulative.

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 25/02/2023 17:40

@OnAPostItNote

Have you any idea why he is depressed?
There are some childhood/parent issues but I don’t think he sees his negative thinking stemming from those as effecting his views about our relationship. I think he just sees our relationship as crap. Maybe I’m mad for not seeing it that way?!?

Could he move out, sort out his mental health and then work on your relationship?
He keeps talking about moving but won’t move

Does he even want to try and save it?
I get no sense that he does from the conversations we have… except for the fact that he keeps talking to me about it. If you’ve decided to leave then just stop talking and do it?

What are his plans for rearing his children? He keeps discussing Co-parenting, living close by, wanting to be involved etc.

OP posts:
CleaningOutMyCloset · 25/02/2023 17:19

I agree with a pp, constantly telling you he wants to separate and won't leave 'just in case' is just cruel. Depressed or not, he's not being fair on you. You'll eventually get fed up with his constant threats and when he says he wants to leave, you may take the decision out iof his hands and agree with him, and leave him.

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 25/02/2023 17:18

I don’t think he’s the type to use threats. He keeps saying “I just don’t know”. He says there is a part of him screaming at himself saying “how can you do this?” And another part that says “yeah and so what?”

OP posts:
Badger1970 · 25/02/2023 17:17

Is he using leaving as some sort of threat? Because depressed or not, that's pretty cruel behaviour and very manipulative....

OnAPostItNote · 25/02/2023 17:15

You are not unreasonable to be upset with this setup. Sorry to hear you are going through this.
He needs to be open and frank and if he feels he needs to go, then he must go. It’s unfair to make these threats. And they only seem to be threats. It emotionally draining and horrible for you. Have you any idea why he is depressed? Could he move out, sort out his mental health and then work on your relationship? Does he even want to try and save it? What are his plans for rearing his children?