Depressed husband keeps saying he wants to leave

I would tell him to leave if he isn't happy. That you are not prepared to live in some kind of fucking limbo to suit him.

Tell him to contact you when he is "sure", and that at that point you will considerer whether or not you want him back. And that in the meantime you will move on with your life as suits you and that there may or may not be a place in it for him.

Hi, I just wondered what the outcome was for you? I’m in a very similar position and would love to hear things went well for you both?

I think he's being very cruel towards you. Ask him to move out. Depression is one thing, but this is just someone also being an arsehole. No doubt life with 2 small kids is boring and pointless and he's having some mid life crisis. He's dragging you down, preventing you from living a happy life and enjoying your children. I would seriously end it, for your sake and the kids.

Some people who get very little out of talking therapy of the "get it off your chest" kind (or even find it makes things worse) see more benefits from behavioral or trauma centred therapies.

He really needs to investigate the possible options with an accredited therapist. You are not just done if one thing doesn't work, even though it may seem that way.

"Should be champing at the bit"

WTH. Pretty much by definition, depressed people are not enthusiastic or motivated to do the things they need or wish to do.

It would be terrible advice to expect this, or read anything bad into a loved one's lack of motivation/action when they are depressed.

I was thinking about leaving at one point when depressed, and saying/doing things to make it easy for them to move on/discourage them looking for me, and it wasn't because I didn't love my family. In fact in a very twisted up way due to the illness, it was quite the opposite of not loving them. I wanted them to assume I had just done a bunk. For some people it is even a way to say "help" when they cannot ask explicitly

@OP see if you can suggest, signpost support and do what you can to help as we would all hope a loved one would do
and whatever you do don't see the symptoms of the illness as your fault or his fault. It is not necessarily up to either of you what happens.

Tell him you've waited patiently for him to decide, but you are not prepared to wait any longer for someone who is "not sure" about your relationship. It's quite insulting, actually, and sorry to say, I suspect it's because he can't actually bring himself to say the truth, that he doesn't want to be in the relationship any more, because he knows leaving your wife and 2 small children is the action of a cad.
Time for you to start being pro-active, you can't hang around indefinitely. If he can't give you the assurances you have every right to expect, he'll have to go. What happens to him after that is not your problem, but it may well be that the depression will get better when he's not living a half-lie.

Tata

That's kind of where my head is at.. he needs to go and figure life out without me and then we deal with the outcome. But this has been bubbling on too long now and I'm done. I doubt he could go to his family but possibly a friends house for a short while. If he decides thats it it will be a huge financial upheaval, selling the house etc but so be it. He would have to figure out his own living situation. I think one of the reasons I've wanted to keep him here is to keep him safe and not harm himself but I can't bubble wrap him any longer . It's wearing me down too much

I would facilitate him leaving, or at least facilitate a trial separation. It's not fair to you to live like this. It's hard enough raising small children without having a mopey adult around. Does he have family he can go to for a while?

Hi both sorry you are both in the same situation :( I'm so fed up I'm reaching the limits of what I can put up with .. DH is on medication and has been like this for a few years and it's just not improving. And his last solution to his problems is leaving me to see if the grass is greener. And whilst the logical part of me knows that it's the depression talking and not "him" and of I can stick with him long enough he will get better.. but I don't know how many more times I can take the beating (emotional torture not physical!) He's goen through these waves several times in the last 6/9 months and he brought it up again yesterday. But this time I jsut got mad and told him to go and his response is "forget I said anything".. how can you forget your partner keeps telling u that they want to leave? Don't I deserve to be wanted :( we've barely spoken since apart from the necessary to get through the day with the kids. I've got to the point where I think I want him to go and I've mentally started planning what single parenting will look like .. its heart breaking.
Sorry to vent. I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want people to judge

I've suffered serious depression and during those times, I've certainly felt very much like life was pointless and that I wanted to die. Here's the thing though: I didn't keep talking about those things to my DP because clearly that would have been really bloody selfish of me.

Depression can certainly make a lot of things hard, and can certainly have a negative impact on the people around you in ways that are beyond your control. But most depressed people feel incredibly guilty about that, rather than actively trying to make their partner miserable too.

In my experience, if someone is an arsehole when they are depressed, the arseholery stems from them being an arsehole, not from them being depressed.

Hi I've posted similar a few weeks ago - going through exactly this in fact I've just shown my DH this thread to show him other people are going through similar and he's not alone! How are you doing?

Hi just wondered how you were doing? What has happened since you posted? I'm finding myself in the same situation and feeling very lost right now..

It sounds like he wants you to make the decision so that he doesn't have to feel guilty. Also, constantly talking to you sounds like he's trying to make you as miserable as he is. Misery loves company.

He's not thinking of you or the kids at all. Depression can make people very selfish, but it doesn't have to.

Try to step away from engaging. Build a safe little world for you and the kids, and he gets to interact if he can be positive and supportive. If he's sitting there spreading gloom, he can go to his room.

''@Lostwifehelp · Today 17:52
@pointythings No he started therapy but said it’s makes things worse and doesn’t want to take medication.''

So basically he is doing nothing to help himself and is making your life miserable instead.

As someone who has had depression, I can tell you that it no excuse to treat everyone in your life poorly.

There is help out there but that means the person being willing to admit they have an issues and asking for help from professionals.

To me it sounds like your partner is being manipulative and cruel and is using ''depression'' as a justification.

You can't be his psychiatrist and his emotional punching bag and you can't help someone who won't help himself.

Rather than listening to his threats to leave, take back control and tell him you want him to leave and focus on getting support and that you will no longer enable him.

Many people have depression and manage to treat their partners with respect.

Also absolutely this. My DC2 has depression (alongside a hell of a lot of other health conditions. They manage to be a thoroughly decent, loving human being to their partner, keep up with doing a STEM degree, develop as a performing young poet and living a full life. Difference is taking medication, waiting for therapy waiting list to move, doing everything possible to be as well as they can be. Your husband has no valid excuse.

It is normal for therapy to make things worse at first, because it is bringing up things which are difficult to face. He will have been told that.

The fact that he is choosing not to continue and choosing not to take medication says that you and your family wellbeing are not a priority for him. He wants to carry on being his miserable, manipulative self and making you all miserable too. That isn't acceptable. Tell him this and give him consequences. Living with a depressed parent who will not help himself will have a massive negative impact on your children - save them from this.

Stop being a doormat and take control of this manipulative bullshit. He's saying this to keep you quiet and walking on eggshells. Show him where the door is and say you hope it doesn't hit his arse on the way out. Do not tolerate this nonsense. He either grows up, gets help with his issues and is a present father and partner, or he can leave.

He sounds manipulative. Many people have depression and manage to treat their partners with respect. This ‘not sure’ bollocks would have me deciding for him. I’d leave because he’s being cruel to you.

It’s abusive to make threats and it’s abusive to keep saying you want to leave then remaining.
I would stop thinking bout what he’s likely to do next and start ring proactive myself. If there’s a way for you to split then. Are your own plans to do it as soon as possible. He’s counting on you being the constant one while he messes you about. Time to reverse the roles, but assertively.

i'd make it easy for him and facilitate his move out.
maybe he's just really unhappy with the relationship and feels the need to stay out of guilt.
it's not healthy for you or the children to live under this cloud.

His repeated threats are actually abusive, excusing it because of depression is not fair because being depressed and being abusive are very different things.

Most people know that counselling gets worse before it gets better. And his refusal to even try all the different medications, many different AD's, shows he's not on board.

I know this might sound harsh,but u cannot be his counsellor. He must take sime responsibility and get some support. I know you said he doesn't want to take medication and thst the counselling did not work well then he needs to explore other avenues. It is not fair. Depression can sometimes make previously loving and caring people selfish. Hand hold.