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Original poster

Wedding invitation… who is being unreasonable?

262 replies

Anon133 · 23/02/2023 11:54

Hi all, I’m looking for advice regarding a dispute that has kicked off in my family this morning.

We have had a ‘save the date’ card come through the post this morning for the wedding of a friend of my partner. They are also friends with my partner’s father.

Both my partner and his father have been invited to ceremony and reception afterwards, whilst myself and partner’s step mum have been invited to the evening only.

I personally don’t see an issue with this, I don’t know the couple particularly well and I know that budgets/numbers can be tight (the wedding so happens to fall on my Grandad’s 80th birthday so it’s unlikely I’ll be able to attend in any event).

However, my partner’s father and his step mum have taken it extremely personally and said that couples should be invited to the same parts of the wedding. They also say that they are travelling 2 hours for the wedding so are left in a situation where step mum will be left on her own in an unfamiliar town whilst the ceremony is ongoing.

My partner has also commented that it was rude that I was not invited to both parts of the wedding if he was.

Partner’s father has now approached the bride and groom, who have said they are unable to accommodate and have been upset by the question.

Who’s in the right here? Getting sick of the arguments already 😡😡

OP posts:
Courtorder · 23/02/2023 12:55

RosaBonheur · 23/02/2023 12:26

But she's not single. She's a married woman who is expected to hang around some random town for hours while her husband is at a wedding, so she can turn up later with the rest of the B list guests.

If she were single she would just go to the wedding at the time she had been invited, whether that was in the evening or for the whole day.

Show quote history

But what difference does it make that her husband is going earlier? If she were single then she wouldn’t have a husband. Single people manage to go to weddings, why can’t a married person manage to go alone?

If she were single she would just go to the wedding at the time she had been invited, whether that was in the evening or for the whole day.

She can do exactly this even though she’s married. There’s not one tiny thing that’s any different.

purplecorkheart · 23/02/2023 12:55

It is usual not to invite both given the long distance but is entirely the Bride and Groom choice. I would be annoyed with your partners dad for approaching the Bride and Groom about your invite and I would ask your dp to let them know that you had nothing to do with dp's father talking to them (I am assuming you do not know them well enough to have their contact numbers).

Brefugee · 23/02/2023 12:55

I think it's rude to separate travelling couples like this. But i also think it's rude to call and ask to change it. As the "evening only" invitee I'd decline. Depending on how expensive travel/hotels are as the all day invitee I'd be working out if i really wanted to spend that much on just me instead of a weekend away with my partner. And probably turn that down too.

Which may be the intention?

icefishing · 23/02/2023 12:53

The B&G have been pretty thoughtless, FIL will have to travel with his partner and she is then going to have to hang around by herself, get herself something to eat, travel to the evening venue.
In their position I would definitely decline the whole event for us a couple.

ToastToastTea · 23/02/2023 12:50

If guests are travelling and likely to need an overnight stay then it's rude to split couples.
I would be offended if my husband was invited to the whole wedding 2 hours away and I was only invited to the evening and expected to sit around all day.

FrangipaniBlue · 23/02/2023 12:49

Anon133 · 23/02/2023 12:43

Unfortunately I’ve been dragged into this by my partner’s father speaking to the bride and groom, who in turn have become annoyed at all of us!

I can totally see you've been put in an awkward position because now the couple will think you are declining "because you've thrown your toys out" over not being invited to the whole wedding.

When in reality you have a prior commitment!

Danneigh · 23/02/2023 12:48

People do take offence far too easily. I mean I didn't have a wedding like this at all, I had an abroad wedding just me and my DH because i couldn't be doing with all the fuss. But I have been invited to a wedding completely without my DH because of numbers. The bride and grooms immediate family are taking all of the couple spots, I wouldnt be in the slightest bit arsed and neither is my DH that he's not invited at all. He knows these people, but they are my friends and not his. He understands the room is only so big and how could all of our partners take spaces of immediate family and friends.

So it's either I miss out because I'm offended, or I go and have a great day/night because I'm a big girl and can go to a wedding with a group of other friends without being joined to my DH. My preference would be to be there him, but jeez it wouldn't stop me going or being offended. It's not my wedding and I'm not paying.

FeinCuroxiVooz · 23/02/2023 12:47

Both the wedding couple and DP parents are being unreasonable. Yes of course it's an invitation not a summons and the couple can invite who they like, but it's a proper slap in the face to a couple that aren't local to the place the wedding is being held to invite one individual to the whole day and the other only to the evening - it very much puts the less-invited person in a shitty position, and nice people don't do that to even quite distant friends and family.

You of course are being perfectly reasonable to decline, you have better things to do. If DP's step-mum doesn't want to decline then both she and DP-dad should only accept for the evening-only part of the event, and hold the line that they are an all-or-nothing deal. But wangling for an extra full-day invite is inappropriate, they shouldn't have done that.

Pipsquiggle · 23/02/2023 12:46

It's their wedding, they can invite who they like. I don't think they have done the right thing but there you go.

I wouldn't split married people up on a wedding invite, I believe in 'no ring, no bring ' - unless you've been living together for 2+ years.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/02/2023 12:43

Anon133 · 23/02/2023 12:16

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate all of your input!

I will just decline the invite on my part as I’m firmly on the ‘it’s an invitation not a summons’ team, I just hope my partner’s parents calm down now! 😅

If they’re upset by FIL’s question it would be really kind of you to decline mentioning your Grandad’s 80th

Just so they don’t think you’re in the same mindset as them.

I agree with you though - I don’t see the harm in inviting the ones you know best all day and their partners in the evening (if at all). Weddings are expensive and numbers are tricky.

People take offence far too easily imo.

Original poster
Anon133 · 23/02/2023 12:43

Unfortunately I’ve been dragged into this by my partner’s father speaking to the bride and groom, who in turn have become annoyed at all of us!

OP posts:
RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 23/02/2023 12:41

Really rude to invite one partner to the whole thing and the other to the evening do. Shows no consideration at all for their guests. No, it isn’t simply ‘their wedding, their rules’. You don’t treat people like that. Hosts and guests both should respect and consider each other’s needs and just be reasonable.

RosesAndHellebores · 23/02/2023 12:39

I think they have been rude. If budgets are tight they shoukd scale down their plans and have the wedding they can afford. There are too many couples now aiming for a plush reception and cutting down numbers indiscriminately to reduce the overall cost of an affair with a £100 ph tag.

If the budget for the reception is £3k and there are 60 guests to accommodate then you have a more modest reception.

If you want 100 guests on that budget then be realistic: hire a hall and have a buffet.

Funkyslippers · 23/02/2023 12:39

I don't really see why there's an argument between the 4 of you when you all no doubt agree that you should all have been invited to the same part of the wedding

SavBlancTonight · 23/02/2023 12:37

Well, as I've never understood the "evening only" part anyway - the only possible time I can see value in that is for work colleagues or something - I'm with your in laws.

But especially as one part of the partnership is invited to the main event.

Sugarfree23 · 23/02/2023 12:37

I don't think it's very welcoming to split couples at a wedding.

I don't blame them for asking the question. You and DH aren't likely to be able to make it. So it would make sense for his Step mum to go with her DH to the full thing.

Willyoujustbequiet · 23/02/2023 12:37

I think its pretty rude to split married couples to day and evening tbh. Not the done thing at all..

Danneigh · 23/02/2023 12:36

SerafinasGoose · 23/02/2023 12:31

Probably an aside from the main event of the thread, but 'Save the date' cards sent far in advance of any proposed stick in my craw. I might not want to save that particular date. My personal circumstances might change. An important conference might come up that it would be within my interests to attend. I might simply have too much else going on around that time - including stuff I don't know about yet because it's months down the line - and not want to write off another weekend once plans had solidified.

Gets right up my hooter at work, too, when I receive an invitation in October for a meeting or away day taking place the following June. HTF do I know whether I'll be available at that point?

All smacks of 'we got there first, so you have to prioritize us', even when you've neither been sent an invitation nor accepted one.

Then you prob should just say no as you'd only be saying yes if you didn't get a better offer so it's a wedding you never wanted to be at.

BubziOwl · 23/02/2023 12:35

Imo only inviting one half of a couple is bad etiquette. However, they've made their decision, and you can accept or decline on that basis. It was rude for your FIL to approach the couple I think.

custardbear · 23/02/2023 12:33

They have choices, not going is an ok choice - tell B&G what's acceptable to them is not an option

CatJumperTwat · 23/02/2023 12:33

CatJumperTwat · 23/02/2023 12:32

Your dad, stepmum, and the inviting couple are all unreasonable.

Your partner's dad I mean. Your dad seem to be behaving fine. Grin

MRSDoos · 23/02/2023 12:33

Part of me wants to say “it’s their day, their rules” but as someone who got married last year and didn’t have a huge budget - there is no way personally I would of separated couples, especially long term or married couples.

I can understand the bride and groom not inviting short term / new relationships due to money reasons

My friend and her long term fiancé were invited to a wedding once that was 5 hours away - but her fiancé was only invited to the evening so had to wait in the hotel room. Yes he is old enough to occupy himself but I found it really odd and kind of rude of the bride and groom.

CatJumperTwat · 23/02/2023 12:32

Your dad, stepmum, and the inviting couple are all unreasonable.

FilthyforFirth · 23/02/2023 12:32

I had the same for my wedding. My ceremony venue was very restricted, so I invited who I could and then further people to the cocktail reception/sit down dinner. And then evening guests.

Rather than split family up (friends were totally fine with only 1 partner being in the ceremony) I invited my cousins and their partners who I am NOT close to, to the meal onwards (so still bloody paying for them, just not seeing us get married which they wouldnt give a shit about). Not only did they decline, their parents did as well, outraged I wouldnt invite them all to the whole day.

So they didnt come and I still had a fab wedding day. No regrets! Your partners family are being U

aSofaNearYou · 23/02/2023 12:32

Courtorder · 23/02/2023 12:07

They’ve done nothing at all wrong. You’re couples, not conjoined twins. She’s a big girl and I’m sure she can find a place to have lunch or mooch or browse or can catch a later train by herself - how would she cope attending a wedding if she were single? People doesn’t have to pay fucking ridiculous amounts of money to host someone at their wedding who they don’t know that well simply because they’re connected romantically to someone that they do know well. It’s bizarre and the expectation doesn’t apply to any other event - can anyone imagine posting here saying “my friend is having a birthday dinner and has invited all her friends. She’s not friends with DH and he’s not invited, nor are any other people she’s not friends with. Should I kick off?”.

YANBU

the fact that they are a couple means they probably share a car, which one of them would have to keep using the other without it on the day. This is a pretty big inconvenience, particularly for people that don't regularly use public transport or if the wedding isn't somewhere where it's easy to get around without a car.

It's not emotive reasons about "being in a couple" that make this a problem, it's practical.