Wedding invitation… who is being unreasonable?

I have never understood why people think both halves of a couple should attend weddings, particularly if one of them does not know the couple getting married that well. What is wrong with your partner's stepmum that she cannot occupy or amuse herself for two hours? You would be with her probably anyway? I just don't get it. Go as invited, and leave her to stew. Its their wedding, their way.

What a strange way of thinking about it. A save the date isn’t a command; it’s a heads up. You don’t even need to RSVP to a save the date. It’s just there so if you want to attend the wedding, you can keep that date free, and knowing as far in advance as possible helps with planning. If you don’t care about attending the wedding then you can decline when the invitation arrives. No one will be interrogating you as to whether the reason you declined predated your save the date notice.

I think it’s pretty shit of them, when the wedding isn’t local to the invitees. What do they expect the less invited member of the couple to do all day? And it’s just not… nice, is it?

Maybe let them know that you’ll be declining to go to Grandad’s do, and that might help them save a bit of money towards poor step mum.

Also why should you respect their marriage if they don't respect the marriage /relationships of their guests?

I love invitations like this, because generally speaking weddings are a bit dull but the after-party is fun. I get it, wedding venues are expensive and some people want the ceremony to be smaller. Whatever, it's their day, I haven't the energy to get my back up about it!

We had one recently, friend of DH who I barely know. He went to the wedding and I took myself out for brunch and a wander around, then dolled up and headed over for the reception. It was great!

Now you see I’d love it.
I’d book a nice hotel and while dh was at the wedding I’d shop or go to a museum then I’d get ready for the evening whilst having a glass of wine.

I’d be really upset if my husband was invited but I was excluded. Married couples should both be invited or not at all. To do what they’ve done is cringing rude.

A huge faux pas.

I think it's super rude not to invite both halves of a married couple to a wedding together. I would be offended as your Step-Mum.

But if you're not offended, great. Go and enjoy it!

Also annoying to be expected to entertain yourself on your own in a town you don't know

See, if it was me, I wouldn't think like that. I really love exploring new towns. When dh had full day meetings in various places, I would tag along with him and spend the day visiting places of interest in the town. There always are some!
Not saying everybody should feel like this, but not everyone would see it as a downside. Anyway, in this case there are two people, OP and the step mum.
So neither would be on their own.

I know. My point is partners were not invited because of numbers. So if they were to invite partners too, they wouldn't be able to invite all their actual friends. I'm pretty sure DH and FIL would complain about that also if it meant one of them didn't get an invite.

In my opinion / experience you'd invite the couple together, not hey you can come to the ceremony, but you can only come to the evening reception.

Never seen it happen and I wouldn't be too impressed to receive an invite like this.

In your shoes / partner's step-mum I'd be declining the evening invite.

Of course this is MN so you'll get all the usual guff about 'it's the bride and groom's day, they can do whatever they like' - well yes of course, but that doesn't mean it's ok or at all standard.

I think the invitation is rude. I would just decline the whole thing.

She can do exactly this even though she’s married. There’s not one tiny thing that’s any different.

Yes there is. The fact that he's probably using their joint car and she'd have to pay to get there a different way.

I agree. I think its a bit cheeky inviting couples on separate invitations.

I think it's a bit inconsiderate to not invite half of a couple, but then invite them to the evening do. Just the person they are close to on their own, fine. But it's the splitting up of a couple who aren't local and will have to travel to the venue separately, which makes it all quite awkward. I expect they haven't thought through the logistics of this for their guests and how it will feel quite impolite. They are, of course, free to do what they wish - it's their wedding - but yes, it does seem inconsiderate, even if not intentional. That said, I probably wouldn't attend a wedding on my own without dh unless I knew loads of guests and I wouldn't stay overnight somewhere just for an evening do.

That's the point. 'Save the date' cards don't require a response. It's assumed that date will be held no matter what comes up in the interim.

Accepting an invitation the standard 6 or so weeks before a wedding is a different matter, of course. If I'd already said 'yes' then in anything other than serious circumstances I would hold to that.

But you are right. I rarely very much want to be at weddings. At best, they're protracted events and pretty tedious: at worst - and this is by no means the minority IME - they're more trouble than they're worth.

Split invites with travelling involved are bloody rude and I would decline if I ever got one. Oh hey x you’re really important to me and I want you at your wedding so your partner will just have to travel to the wedding and amuse themselves for a few hours while you come to the celebration but don’t worry I’ll let them in at the end! Thanks but no thanks, I’d be on my own as Helen understandably doesn’t feel like kicking her heels around in the town for a few hours, so I regretfully decline.

fortunately neither I nor Dh have any rude friends like that, so it’s never happened to us.

Ehhh I been to loafs of weddings where only family go first part ther party in evening. It keeps costs down. In fact going to my brothers in a couple of weeks only close family going registry and then everyone at the evening do as registry has a cap anyway on how many can go

It’s a tricky one OP
We have a huge family and couldn’t afford to pay for them all so invited the key players for the whole day and their children ( all adults) for just the evening.
The children ( all adults had partners and children of their own.) The numbers were getting ridiculous. Just one aunt and uncle had four adult children, their four partners and a total of 14 children. That’s 24 people to feed and fit into the service. We just invited the aunt and uncle.

I don’t think they were overly enamoured but as between us we have 22 aunts and uncles that all live close and we see regularly we had to make sacrifices one way or the other

I’m not surprised they’re not happy but I think you’ve still invited them all to celebrate in some way your special day.

PS. I do understand it’s not always about cost, it’s often about size of venue too.

I'm with you OP. Also I can never understand this "left in their own in an unfamiliar town" mentality. I would love a potter around in my own! Much better than a boring wedding of someone I don't know very well.

That's not their call to make. Partners are not invited.

Perfectly reasonable for them to act that way just make sure the next thing you host you only invite one of them to part of it.

Get your partner and FIL to decide between them which of them will drop out so the other one's spouse can have their spot.