Wedding invitation… who is being unreasonable?

I think it comes down to distance to a degree.

I invited my school friends who were localish / had family nearby to stay with without partners, but Uni friends who all lived away with partners. There was also a distance between the church and venue so logistically it didn't work any other way.

I wonder if they thought Dad and DP could travel together then you and SMIL could travel together

The only exception to the inviting partner's rule in my humble opinion is work friends, as they come as a group to start with. If I remarry it will be a free for all with a hog roast or Caribbean bbq at the football club who let you camp overnight as part of the price, couple of local bands ... no need for fancy outfits either

There's no right or wrong but it's a bit rude. People should organise the event they can afford rather than being so tight with the guest list. If more people just had a buffet for all there would be a lot less bad feelings all around

It’s standard etiquette. It may be changing but particularly older people will find not inviting both members of a married couple to a formal mixed gender occasion (no one says a husband has to be invited to a women only event) to be shatteringly rude.

I’d see it as the equivalent of someone chewing with their mouth open or putting their elbows on the table at a formal dinner. I wouldn’t mention it (unless I was very close to the person in question) and would give the benefit of the doubt and assume ignorance and lack of knowledge of good manners not deliberate rudeness.

I don't think it's great form for them to do that at all but agree with PPs you can either go or not go.

different trains - if driving, restaurant lunch and a manicure?

I totally agree, but mumsnet standard view is if you're married you must both be invited to a wedding

Fucking weird if you ask me!!

ESH

It is rude to question an invite, but it's also time to pretend we live in a world where social anxiety doesn't exist.

I'm single and I'd never go to something like this alone. A gathering surrounded by someone else's loved ones? If we aren't close enough my partner is invited, then we aren't close enough for me to be comfortable flying solo with your loved ones. Sounds awkward and I'd interpret this as being a signifier I'm not close to the couple. If I'm unworthy of a plus one don't invite me cuz that wouldn't be a comfortable situation to be alone in.

I’d always invite the other half.

🫢
Small world and all that.

But if they've invited lots of individuals and no couples they might find lots of individuals rejecting the invites. Whoops!

Its then quite hard to say actually I've had a few knock backs do you both want to come.

It’s a bit sad that the B&G are getting so easily upset. Weddings are hard to organize but they need to calm down a bit. There’s no point in getting upset about things and they could easily have said they’ll let your FIL if someone declines and more space in the church becomes available.

Could they both attend just the evening party? Or just have your FIL attend. It is odd I guess to invite half / half, but also as you said, it is an invitation, not summons.

Its weird and showing zero consideration to guests. I'd just go to the evening and let them free up space for someone else. Maybe a couple!

I think it’s horrendously rude to invite one half of a couple but these days money is more important than manners!

Yeah it's really odd to not invite long term partner I think? Maybe an exception if inviting a bunch of colleagues or something. Maybe now you and your partner have declined there will be space for step mum in the day if they are still up for going

Sick of the arguments? Do you mean in laws moaning? There's no argument.

Personally I don't feel partners should get an automatic invite, especially if they don't know the couple wrll. Surely an adult doesn't need looking after just because they're in a town they don't know. I'd enjoy having the hotel room to myself to get ready. Or I might go for a wander into town. What I wouldn't do is demand an invite!

At the end of the day who someone invites to their wedding is down to them. But I think you have to be prepared for people you may want to be there refusing if their partner was not invited.

When I got married I wouldn't have dreamed of inviting people without their partners. I had a couple of single friends who I invited without a Plus one but that was after discussing with them. If they subsequently ended up in a relationship I'd have found a way to include them

Not sure how to vote as not sure what the AIBU Q is, but I think your response is perfect.

Your dp's father was incredibly rude.

I think the couple either hadn't thought through the logistics, or weren't particularly bothered about having your dp's step mum and yourself there, and weren't really expecting you to travel, but were offering it as an option in case they wanted to.

It isn't what I would do. If having a wedding at a remote venue, you have to consider the logistics of how people can get there. However, if you are invited to something that you either don't want to go to or that you think will be too difficult logistically, then you reply as you have OP, and you don't go demanding that the hosts change their arrangements for you.

I know this could be coincidence but I have received an invite which is not for my DH too, and it's a barn venue on the outskirts of a small village too!!

We had a similar situation with an invitation to a wedding in the middle of nowhere. DP for the whole day and me just for the evening. In fairness it was a work mate of DP who I didn't know but I still thought it was a bit off as we'd been a couple for ages. While I totally agree it was their wedding, their choice but equally it was my choice not to go, which I didn't.

If the wedding is at 11am/12pm, then they will be setting off at 9am to allow for the 2hr+ travel and to ensure they're not late so potentially up and getting ready from 7am ... Two hours in the car, drop her DP at the wedding and then the stepmum has to amuse herself 11am-7pm after an early morning whilst wearing her outfit for the evening do.

Unless they're staying over in a hotel that night - which would allow the step mum to wear something casual in the car, wander round the local area for an hour or two before checking in to the hotel in the afternoon and being able to get ready at her leisure - it's just not practical to ask someone to get ready for a party at 7am and then just mill about for 12hoirs until they can attend.

It's strange to separate couples I guess but if they really want to go can't she just do something else for a few hours?

I agree with this. I think the ship had sailed now, but I'd just go for the evening, all 4.