Wedding invitation… who is being unreasonable?

I agree with FIL that the couple getting married have made a fuck up.

I suspect they haven’t really thought much about the social faux pas of inviting only one half of a couple to the main event when it’s a considerable distance away for them to travel. You should only do that when the couple live nearby.

Contrary to modern opinion, the wedding party should be about the comfort of the guests. If a couple want to make it all about themselves, then feck off and elope.

Remember when weddings were all about couples? If you were single, you got a plus one invitation, and could invite whomever you liked. If we reined in all the modern wedding excesses, perhaps we could revive the old custom of a generous welcome to ceremony and party for all.

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods I’d have agreed with you based on the first posts but I think their reply back to the couple was a bit odd.

”My partner and I have both declined the invite and said ‘whilst we are sorry that FIL approached you about it in the way he did, we would be unable to attend due to the logistics of it all.’

They could have simply said thanks but it clashes with grandfathers 80th so unable to attend by they brought logistics into it which does make it sound like they had an issue with the arrangements as well.

I'd have assumed they were expecting you to hang out with her, before both turning up to the evening part. Perhaps you're not close enough though.

Very bad form to invite only half of a married couple. Of course they can do what they like, their wedding their rules blah blah blah, but if it were me I wouldn't be putting myself out to attend the wedding of such rude people. I certainly wouldn't be pootling about for a couple of hours in my guest-at-a-wedding outfit trying to find somewhere to have lunch. That's silly.

You could all reply that you'll all go to the evening, but no thank you to the day bit, I suppose.

The OP didn’t make a mountain out of anything. She wasn’t bothered by the invitation and knew she was likely to decline anyway because of her grandfather’s birthday.

The father in law was the one who went in all guns blazing and dragged them into it too.

Inviting only one half of a married couple is disgraceful in my opinion

I think you’ve all made a mountain out of a mole hill. Perhaps they thought you and the mil could have a nice day somewhere and then join for the evening? Weddings are massively expensive and they have to do the cut somewhere. They obviously have a relationship with your partner and the dad but not you or mil to the same extent.

Married couples should be invited together to weddings. Very rude not to invite both.

People can be understanding as they like about money but marriage is a social unit. Engaged couples also meet traditional wedding etiquette for units, and modern day etiquette counts people "living as married" as a unit.

Totally fine for them to do that invite. I wouldn’t do it myself and usually we decline invites that don’t include both of us and our kids because it is practically difficult and usually means we aren’t that close to the couple. However, my DH has gone to a couple without me when it’s been an invite for us but not the kids and this year my sister and I have been invited to a childhood family friend’s daughters wedding and our husbands and kids haven’t. This is because they wanted us there (more to represent our deceased parent really) but couldn’t invite 9 but had space to invite 2. I would much rather my husband and kids came with me and would have loved even just an evening invite for them but it’s an honour to be wanted there for the day and I have said thank you and I will be there. It used to upset more when I was younger and felt more vulnerable in my relationship as we used to let both families dominate us… so maybe this is a reflection that the step Mum feels a little bit of an outside in the family still and this triggers those feelings?

I think it was unnecessarily rude to ask for more invitations.

I don’t understand this bad form to only invite one half. I have friends that don’t know DH and vice versa.

Terrible form to invite only one half of a married couple to the whole wedding. Just embarrassing for all concerned. I would decline.

For your partner's parents' generation this sort of invitation was unheard of. It is indeed inconsiderate to invite a couple to different parts of the same event, knowing that one will have to hang around all afternoon, find somewhere for an early supper and then get changed to go to the evening part of the event. However, it is also rude to demand an upgrade. The best thing to do is to turn down the invitation and not feel obliged to send a present.

Neither is wrong. They can invite who they like, but partner's father was ok to ask. He, or his partner, are free to decline the invitation.

I know that budgets can be tight and it is expensive per head in the day so makes sense to me to only invite who you want in the day. If I were you or the stepmum I just wouldn’t go at all if you didn’t want to hang around all day. It’s not a massive issue to me.

If you're not going to a wedding as a group of friends, or work colleagues, then are you expected to go to a wedding and hangout by yourself all day if partners arent invited? That sounds horrible and awkward, how could that be a thing, people generally don't go to big social events completely on their own, especiallyif they dont know many people there.
With it being in a barn on the outskirts of a small village a 2 hour journey from you, that should dictate that full couples are invited all day, sounds like there'd not be anything much to do while hanging around waiting, I couldn't be bothered to hang around all day, then go to the wedding when everyone else has already had a good few drinks, that would just annoy me.

Exactly. Plus if you can't afford to host both people in a couple, cut out your evening do and lower your costs.

Bride and groom invite in their want too...of it doesn't suit your fil mil and partner turn the invite down.

The bride and groom are being rude and I would decline the invitation. I don't like evening invites at the best of times, but this is worse than usual.

Being rude and inconsiderate isn’t excusable because it’s “their event” and expensive. Questioning the couple is also rude. That said, I’d decline the invitation and not give it further thought.

Their wedding their choice.. but neither me or my husband would be in attendance. Absolute liberty.

I think it’s fine and step mum should just decline if she doesn’t fancy a couple hours to herself in a place she isn’t been before. Dad and son can go together.

I think B&G are in the wrong here for the 2 tier couples invites.

But so is FIL by embarrassingly asking them to invite partners who they have deliberately not invited to the day.

One wedding in our family which was exclusive and expensive the B&G invited the aunts and uncles who were their siblings parent but not their spouses, even though they had been married for years and known the groom since birth. Same with cousins. It was a blood relatives only guest list 😂

It's a bit odd to invite one half of a couple to the full day, and another to the evening only, when it's 2 hours away. It wouldn't bother me at all though, people can invite who they like to their wedding, and guests are free to refuse. That was your initial reaction, and I think you're right, your FIL and their partner are being overly dramatic. If I fancied an afternoon to myself in the wedding location, I'd probably go, but if not, I'd just decline the invitation, with no fuss. I think it's unreasonable that your FIL and their partner made a fuss, and complained to the couple, surely they can understand why they can't invite everyone? And they're grown-ups, they can survive without each other for a few hours!

Yes, but there are etiquette standards/traditions, and consequences for flouting them.