Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

FYI - Grief isn't defined by time. It is a constant state unfortunately (I have recently lost both my lovely parents).

Blimey - that took a sinister turn!! Forbidding!!??

You have no idea how she lost her Mum and she might need EVERY Mother's day to be looked after and not have to celebrate mothers day with her husband's Mum and nor should she be on her own.

He knows his wife and he has said what he is going to do and that needs to be respected.

What’s happened here is that OP isn’t coming across well in her posts - she does sound like she’s ‘summoning’ her adult children and being a bit of a control freak. But that doesn’t mean the DIL is inherently right either. Frankly I think neither of them are and I feel a bit sorry for the son/husband 🤷🏼‍♀️

You are jumping to some big assumptions there.

Why do you consider Mother's Day such a massive deal when the children are grown ups anyway? I think most mothers would be delighted that three of four are visiting, and that the other one called and sent a card.

Why have you assumed the DIL has said the OPs son can’t visit?

She’s not forbidding him anything. He’s chosen not to go. He quite obviously doesn’t want to.

Because it’s been 3 years, you don’t get to ban your husband from visiting his mum on Mother’s Day 3 years down the line because of your own sad situation. I can understand the first Mother’s Day after, but the third/fourth? It’s just getting a bit controlling then.

Imagine ‘Husband’s mum died 3 years ago and now he says I can’t see mine on Mother’s Day AIBU’. He would be called controlling 🤷🏼‍♀️ and we all know it.

Who's saying life doesn't continue?

Nobody has answered why is so awful for the son to phone and send a card on the day itself, and visit a week or two later when it's less emotionally charged for his wife.

She's not trying to stop him from seeing his mum.

I disagree. It’s Mother’s Day, she’s had a few years now of grieving and now forbidding him from seeing his own mum (if that’s what’s happening) is a bit emotional blackmail-y. If she finds it tough she should stay home and look after herself, but trapping him at home in her grief bubble isn’t healthy or normal tbh.

It is such a touchy subject for some of us when we loose our Mums.

Whatever she feels comfortable with, she is his wife so it is about her not you. He sounds like a nice husband to be considering her above anyone else.

Well, I was left by choice and even when she dies I won’t have any soapy and lovely memories to look back on. At some point life continues, doesn’t it?

That’s not remotely the same thing. Don’t decide what’s sensible for someone when you’ve never been in their position. It makes you look a tit.

I just think life goes on, we can only dwell on our sad stories for so long before it becomes a bit unhealthy.

Yes but I haven’t seen her in 5 years and saw her maybe 3 times in the several years before that.

Yes, I'd say you are being unreasonable, and it's obvious you don't really like his wife. Her mother has only been dead for 3 mothers days, give her a break.

The message "reminding" them it's Mother's Day also sounds quite bolshy. Generally people make plans with their mums, they are not summoned.

I think a pp suggestion of getting your children together at Easter instead is a good one.

Some of the comments here from those with living lovely mothers remind me of the ones on every thread about parental estrangement that go like “I could never, imagine never speaking to your own mum again, she’s your mum, I love my mum, you shouldn’t ever cut contact with your mum, she’s your mum, I love my mum” etc etc etc. Just utterly tone deaf.

I’ve been estranged from my mum 3 years and thankfully no MIL but if someone told me to seize the day and go hang out with her on mother’s day I’d probably have to be physically restrained.

And that's life I'm afraid.

Trying to coordinate five separate people/families when living in different locations isn't easy. Great when it can be done, but there has to be an understanding that it's not always possible.

Also, for all you know the three siblings could be younger, single and some may even be living at home. They may all be living locally. It's a big assumption that they all have busy lives and partners who are all putting themselves out to be there.

It's not a competition anyway.

OP's son hasn't done anything wrong, and he actually deserves credit for being so considerate, not judgement.

Your mum’s still alive, isn’t she?

Really, 3 years after? Tbh it sounds like it would be sensible advice at that point.

It's a tricky one but I do feel your son should be making the most of the time with his own mum too. Life is too short and one day he may regret his decision. I'd like to think there is another way (not sure what) that allows everyone to be happy. I don't think your son or DIL will be able to get away from it being mother's day anyway with the reminders all around.

Not dictating anything btw - such emotive language - the other 3 siblings (and potentially their spouses/partners) are attending. Perhaps, due to them having busy lives themselves, there won't be an opportunity for a while for OP to arrange for them all to see each other.

You have your other grown kids coming to see you. What is the issue here?

I'm guessing it's jealousy and resentment that she's no longer the most important woman in her son's life.

What?

Who's asking them to work around DIL?

They go ahead and visit on Mother's Day if they want to/are able to, and the son goes when he can.

You can't dictate that all four adult children, who have their own lives, must be available on X date.

You don't need to "remind" your adult children that it's mother's day. Sounds more like they were summoned to spend the day with you.

His wife is understandably struggling given the loss of her mum. And his wife's feelings must come first.

You have your other grown kids coming to see you. What is the issue here?

In this case OP also has her 3 adult children visiting for MD. For all we know they are also geographically located away from OP. Do you expect the 3 of them, and potentially their spouses/partners, to have to work around DIL too. Perhaps OP thought it would be a perfect opportunity for all of them to meet up, all at once.