Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

Because I think, on a balance of probabilities, it’s unlikely he thought he would stay home with his wife unless she said was struggling and wanted him there.

There is of course the possibility that he is using it as an excuse because he doesn’t want to go. Or that he came to that conclusion by himself without her suggesting anything.

But as judge Judy says in the absence of being there, I will go with what makes sense to me and seems the most likely thing to have happened.

Forcing? What a leap.

Oh please. Blah blah misogyny. I think it’s very misogynistic to assume I only draw the conclusions I do because I’ve had my head filled with rubbish by men. Are women only independent thinkers when you approve of what they’re saying?

Is it right to do what? She doesn't need to visit her MIL for mothers day ever. Her and her HD aren't joined at the hip, he can go see his mother if he wants.

Because ... misogyny. And no, being a woman does not disqualify someone from being a misogynist.

Man makes decision. Nowhere does the OP state anything other than that Man Makes Decision. But a sizeable number of posters immediately start to embroider on the meagre facts given and answer points that were never made in the first place.

Their conclusions: Woman is Responsible for Man's Decision.

Woman has 'Forbidden' Man from Making an Independent Decision.

First rule of misogyny: women are responsible for what men do.

Why the fuck are those posters assuming the DIL is somehow preventing the son from seeing his mother, rather than him choosing to stay with his wife on a day she finds hard?!

Misogyny runs deep, even here. Do better.

Of course but I hope you’re not forcing your DH to stay at home to do it with you 🤷🏼‍♀️

Thank you @BertHandsome. I really don’t know where to start with that.

The level of entitlement in this post is astounding.

What a horrible way to speak of the poor DIL.

If you were my MIL, I wouldn't want to see you with an attitude like that. Thankfully my MIL is lovely and we spend time with her because we want to, not because she summons us and guilt trips us.

Why not just say fine, let's do another day? Meet them in the middle this time, be kind to her and then you might get what you want next time?

Who said anything about 'dwelling on sad stories'? I will be celebrating and be indulgent in thinking about my Mum and how missed she is.

Fine but why does she need her husband to do the same 3 years later? And not see his own mum who will also be dead one day? I can understand the first Mother’s Day after, absolutely, but 3 years down the line is controlling and sounds a bit like emotional blackmail - like her grief entitles her to prevent him from enjoying anything she cannot have.

My mum was a ‘normal’ mum until I was 14, then she decided to leave my dad for an abusive relationship that I spent years trying to protect her from. Blah blah long and painful story but I haven’t seen her for a very very long time. Of course it hurts, seeing my friends with their lovely mums, or telling me about weekends away they’ve had with them etc. But I would never say so - because my sad story doesn’t entitle me to go around being ‘triggered’ and restricting what other people can or cannot do. I want more joy in the world. Not less of it.

Actually I messaged DH this morning suggesting he book an early meal for his mum because I’m due DC2 a few days after Mother’s Day!

And you should be ashamed to assume that DIL had told her DP he can’t go, rather than made his own choice not to go and spend the day with his wife instead.

Its always the woman to blame hey?

But is it right to do this forever more? It has been 3 years and as @Moonicorn has said life does have to go on, even if it is painful at times.

What about this Mother, who loves her child, her son - or is it just daughters and their Mums that matter.

The irony of you calling someone else callous when you show zero empathy for someone who has lost their mother, basically saying “you’re an adult get it over it”.

And just because you bold the word in MIL doesn’t make her any sort of replacement either.

God this policing of others grief is so grim.

He may regret not spending more time with you. However him specifically regretting not spending mothers day with you in my view is doubtful.

Also does your other children's partners not have mothers? Do you not habe grandchildren? It's like you feel the mothers day should be focused around you. I have 4 children op. I do not expect them to spend mothers day with me. 2 are at uni so I'm pretty sure they won't. 2 may but I am doubtful knowing their schedules.

It's really.ok for.your son to decline. Invite them some other time if seeing "him" is important to you. If it's specifically about mothers day you may have to accept they chose to not celebrate

Ahhh - this is so true.

I will see my MIL - she is very lovely,, non-demanding and my Mum absolutely loved her too but, the majority of my day will be centred around me and what i want to do (and probably crying)!!

Moonicorn you really need to reread the OP as you've taken it up all wrong.

I don't know why you're coming out with words like "banning" and "forbidding". It's very clear that the son made this decision and has communicated that to his mother.

MIL is not her mother. She doesn't need to go see her.

I think you are missing the entire point @Blossomtoes

This woman is now 33. She has a mother in law. It's about time she stopped being so selfish and giving her husband a dilemma of having to choose her or his mum on mother's day.

I have never, ever known a married couple who would avoid visiting a mum on mother's day because their spouse's mother had died. It's ridiculous.

Would my mother have said to my dad 'I'm not coming with you on mother's day to see your mum, as mine has died.'

of course not. Never in a million years.

Yes, you find anniversaries painful. We all do, whoever has died.

That doesn't mean we stop our partner spending time with his family while they have the chance.

It's got nothing to do with me having or not having a parent and 'shrugging it off'. Nothing.

You should be ashamed to stoop so low as to make that callous comment.

And some husbands love their wives and don't want to leave them to feel sad on their own while they go off celebrating their own alive mum.

Yes life does goes on but, it also changes.

Because some people loved their mums, and were loved by their mums, and miss them terribly. So when a day dedicated to mums comes around they feel sad and want to be alone away from all the celebrations.

Grief isn't defined by time. It is a constant state unfortunately (I have recently lost both my lovely parents).

It is but that doesn’t mean you get to dictate what other people do, forevermore, because you find certain days or things ‘too painful’. Life goes on.

I mean if it isn’t a big deal then why does she need his ‘emotional support’ for the whole day 3 years down the line? Personally I think a card and flowers is totally sufficient, but I think the DIL is being emotionally blackmaily at this point.