Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

@Moonicorn - your entire argument on this thread is based on what you THINK. Not what you KNOW.

So you must realise your argument has no credibility. Sure, it makes sense in your head.

But it doesn’t make sense in most other people’s heads, because it seems so unlikely.

Can I ask you:

Does your DH do only what you ask? Does he never get to make any decisions for himself? Does he never get to do what he wants to do? Or, if he does, is it only because you let him?

Because that sounds pretty shit for him, being completely and utterly under your thumb.

I suspect he does get to make his own decisions about things, try hat he does get to state his preference/opinion, and doesn’t always do what you want. Am I right?

That being the case, your position on this thread does not stand up.

😂Batshit crazy. If anyone believes this then feel welcome to go back on my old posts from years gone by. My own DD is now 18 and DS will be 15 this year. All you Inspector Clouseau's can do the maths with these old post which will have their ages on somewhere and the original year of posting. Utterly mental suggestion.

Maybe the son is hiding behind this because he doesn't want to return home and its kinder to say this?

Well I very much doubt her son has just made a unilateral decision not to see his mother on mother's day because of his wife's feelings on that matter with no input form his wife!?! That seems extremely unlikely.

My mil is the last person I want to go near on mother's day and I think she's been an appalling mother nothing like my own at all.

Op it sounds like a frustrated order rather than a sweet request.
Perhaps you could have phrased it more sensitively?

I understand the frustration BTW you feel you are missing out because she's lost her mom.
But even for me 20 years on its a brutally raw day. I do try and keep cheerful.

Really? Because you present it as fact.

Agree that a four hour round trip is a bit of a journey just for a lunch visit.

If it were me that lost my mum I'd want my DP to spend time with his while he still had her if it was his choice to do so.
Just MO though.

Even if the DIL wasn’t grieving, maybe they have children of their own and don’t want to spend 4 hours travelling on Mother’s Day!

That's bizarre. We each treat our PIL as family; a recent loss has shown me that they don't become less important when we lose our own parents but if anything more important. I'm sorry you son doesn't want to join the family celebration, but hopefully you can arrange a different weekend to spend with him and his wife instead. Ride through it and hope she comes around!

I'd imagine she is angry as she is hurt, maybe frustrated, sad and upset.

Can't blame OP for not coming back on the thread with some of the comments that have been made, but without her providing more context we will not know.

Its always possible OP has invited them to other family events and perhaps they have also declined. If you have taken as disdain OP's comment that DIL is "pleasant enough person but doesn’t seem to make much effort with our family", then maybe that has been the case, and OP is feeling upset that she doesn't see her son as much as she'd like because DIL doesn't want to.

Again, without OP's contribution we are all making assumptions and using our own interpretation.

I think saying he's 'not seeing his own mum' is a bit of an exaggeration. He's with his wife. He's prioritising her that day. If her mum was alive he could just as easily be visiting her or if they have children it could be her time to be the 'mother'.
Sounds like your other children and their families are joining you for a meal. You'll have a nice time without him. Not every adult child sees their mum on mothers day. My mums nearly 80 and just round the corner from me. My son is 90mins away and has a girlfriend with a child. My daughters 45 mins away with husband and children. Her OHs mum lives nearby. The logistics just don't work. I'll likely spend the day with neither my mum or my children. I did however have a lovely birthday meal with my family. That felt like my day.

Apologies if this has been mentioned upthread, but if the DIL's DM died within the past three years and is in the UK then it's very likely she couldn't grieve normally because of covid restrictions.

I found it massively upsetting when a close relative died and we couldn't see other family members but also just do things I normally do to cheer myself up, like a weekend away, gig or going out to a restaurant; obviously none of them cancel out the grief but having them taken away at that point didn't help. There's also been fewer normal Mother's Days to get through.

Three years isn't that long even without the pandemic, the OP has other kids to keep her company, Mother's Day really isn't that big a deal and she needs to cut the DIL a bit of slack here.

Or it will go poof

As so many threads do

Which is annoying

This thread is being discussed loads on Twitter so hopefully OP has changed some details :/

Not forcing at all but, he loves me and loved my Mum so he would want to support me and whatever I want to do he will support (which is what happens with us regardless if it is Mother's Day or not).
I also love his Mum and will WANT to see her but, she won't demand that we all see her.

My mum died 10 yrs ago, and I didn't kick up a fuss on mothers day for my mother in law. I love and miss my mum terribly but my husband has a mum, who he loves and she has feelings.
I carried on doing everything we did before my mum died.
My husbands mum is as important as my mum was. I wouldn't upset her. I have sons and hope I am treated the same as their wives mums are when the time comes.

Huh? Did I miss that it was a reverse?!

Why is she angry if it was a polite ‘would you like to come to lunch for Mother’s Day? Your siblings are coming’-level invitation.

Because she expected them to come, especially as she has no excuses as her own mother is dead… ergo, it was a summons, not an invitation.

The way the OP speaks about her DIL subsequently is with disdain and as though her grief should be over now, especially as it’s inconveniencing what the OP wants.

For god's sake

Isn't it more like 'it's Mother's Day soon, it would be lovely to have you all together so I'm inviting you all for lunch'?

A reminder in this context makes sense.

Because it is a reverse so in the words of the wife.

OP I can totally understand you need your DH, but I can also understand your MIL being sad she won't see you both.

Can you invite her to stay a week or so later? Or suggest going to hers for a family meal soon afterwards without the Mother's Day focus?

Hmmm thinking about this more I am torn

It's been 3yrs - does that mean op son can never see or spend MD with his mum

My mum died nearly 9yrs ago. Madness seems forever but also no time at all sometimes

Dh parents both died years ago

With my first dh we would get both mums together for a meal

Surely as you marry , you take on the parents so yes mil isn't mum - but she is mil and mum of the man she loves

As I said before - do you usually see all 4 dc on md

What happened before the dil mum died on md

But you don't get to dictate to someone else how long they take to grieve.

I'm pretty matter of fact and my mum was never sentimental about Mother's Day, so it doesn't bother me at all to celebrate that day for someone else, even though my mum died a few years ago.

But the fact that it's easy for me, or for you, to move on by 3 years, doesn't mean that's the case for everyone else. There might be something else about DIL's circumstances that makes this particularly challenging that we don't know about.

3 years on could still be pretty raw, OP. I'd be patient as it's too soon to say if this will be for the "rest of your days" or not.

Of course you can feel disappointment that your son won't be there, but I also think you ought to have some understanding about the pain your DIL is apparently feeling.

Does your son spend time with you regularly on other days? It's not that mother's day is the only time he visits you, right?

Again, that's your interpretation. I certainly don't read it that way. She put 'could' they come for a family meal - "could" is not demanding language in anyone's book.