Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

You insist on not getting it, don’t you?

Not everyone is the same. People grieve differently.

Did you see the empathetic post from a pp who said they lost their Mum three years ago at the height of the pandemic, and couldn’t farewell her properly, and it had a real impact?

3 years isn’t a long time, I understand some people saying “surely focus on the people in your life you have” but the MIL sounds really insensitive and demanding not somebody you would want to spend time with on a hard day. You can’t dictate to someone else how to grieve.

It is not the first. Her mother died 3 years ago.

Does one's own mother need to be ignored on Mother's Day because the spouse's mother died 3 years ago?

Maybe @Thegardenmum‘s dil is coping differently to you, @SpicedPumpkinLatte. Different people grieve differently, and if she is struggling even () after 3 years, who are we to say she is wrong.

Its not the DIL's first mothers day without her mum. It's been 3 years.

17, thanks. Very sudden and traumatic.

oh dear, you have taken real bollocking over your post and rightly so, wouldn't dream of reminding my son or expecting him to visit on mothers day, always very nice that he remembers, or more likely is reminded by my daughter in law and I receive flowers or something, but getting my knickers in a twist because he'd forgotten - no - under no circumstances do I expect things, he has his own life and family

Yabu.

They've given you a valid reason. Also is she herself a mother? I kind of think anyone doing hands on mothering right now needs to be given priority in terms of giving them a 'special day'.

Maybe in future years you can combine

I bet when your children have children of their own you will still expect them to visit you on mother's day as "you're still their mother".
I cannot fathom how you don't see how the first mothers day for your DIL could be difficult if the status quo is maintained. Good on your son for sitting this one out with her, she is his family now. You are his family of origin.

I would love to see my children on mother's day, but they will be having their own mothers days at home with their own children. I used to do something for my mum on mother's day, but haven't had anything done for me for nearly 20 years I think! I do get nice cards though.

This makes the point very well.

Maybe he doesn't want to spend mothers day with you!! You sound so entitled and a real PITA! When they have kids of their own (or maybe they already do) it would then be about your DIL as a mother not about you anyway. You need to get over yourself. My mum passed away and I find mother's day hard, but have my own young children to spend the day with,if my MIL demanded we spent the day with her I wouldn't be doing it. They might have considered spending time with you if you hadn't "reminded" them it was mother's day coming up and laid down your demands

This thread has been so interesting. Everyone’s views are so directly impacted by their own experience. OP hasn’t come back to defend herself but a number of other posters have stepped up to defend OP’s position. The number of people saying DIL should “suck it up” is truly shocking and demonstrates how harsh people can be when someone unwelcomely impacts on their life and choices. I am not surprised the son took the decision he did and my DH has also taken firm action when my MIL made demands which were impossible to meet due to our circumstances at the time. Turning up for a lunch due to a demand cannot be justified just because it’s a calendar event and grief is incredibly personal and varied. The insistence of blaming DIL for son’s actions/words is very interesting as I carry all the blame for all my DHs actions in MIL and SIL eyes. Really fascinating snapshot of the view of MIL/DIL relationships.

This is how I saw it too. It's awful that her mum died and it must feel raw on those days, however surely that shows us all that none of us know how long we have left. For that, I would think she would want her to want her DP to spend those special times with his mum.

I would say, I understand, I just wanted to extend the invitation anyway. Would you both like to come over or go for a meal on another date as I miss you? That's it. There's 365 days a year to see each other, just choose one less painful for her 🤷‍♀️.

Also op have you thought they may be struggling to conceive making mother's day the double sadness I had for 5 years after my mum died? It's a pretty horrific day for that reason. I suffered my first miscarriage the mother's day before my mum died, so I wasn't there on her last mother's day because I was in a hospital.

People have a lot of stuff going on, why don't you care? Why do you instead trot out the old 'oh he'll miss me when I'm dead...' nonsense

So you're grand with your mil on mother's day so all bereaved people must be the same? 3 years is not that long. Also how old were you when you lost your mum? How long ago was it? I lost mine at 30, seems like ops Dil lost hers in her 20s. That is pretty early to be dealing with that.

Put yourself in her shoes.
Act with compassion.
Count your blessings.

Her mil doesn't sound very enjoyable.

Mine also is smug about being the only gran, she literally I reduced herself to my eldest as 'your granny, your only grann' before sticking her finger in his mouth and going, ah, I can do this because I'm your granny. Which was fucking weirder becaus ei was changing his merconium nappy at the time. Don't start me on how she wa about breastfeeding.

So no, my husband is more than welcome to go see his mother on mother's day but I'll not be torturing myself for her.

My mum died almost a decade ago, in a very traumatic time when we wer esuffeirng multiple miscarriages. It was horrific and at every turn my mil made it worse.

Mother's day even since having my. Hildren 5 and 1 years ago is still a mixed bag, we keep it low key, kids give me a card, husband brings breakfast in bed. Then we get up and have a quiet day, maybe walk the dog, make a nice dinner. Mother in law he'll see the Saturday or another day. Mother's day last year we'd not even wrapped her gift as she was coming on the Monday but she barged in, literally didn't knock walked into the living room, super smug to have gotten one over me (who she clearly thought was pushing her out) anyway DH hastily wrapped her gift and we did our best but honestly I get teary and go for a rest a few times and we juggle the kids to not upset them but you can't do that with her there.

Then she text me saying I didn't seem happy to see them. I responded with mother's day is a mixed bag for me since mummy died so I just take it quite easy. She hadn't even considered that was the issue. But then this is the woman who called me at my mum's wake and cried on the phone how awful it was that it was bringing back memories of losing her dad.

Anyway op you're being a dick, celebrate with him a different day, he's an adult, you have 3 other adult children. How much do you need to be worshipped that your Dil can't be extended your compassion in her grief?

Perhaps you ought to let Mother’s Day go, and invite them for lunch another time. You sound incredibly controlling…he may feel like he has the perfect excuse.

YABU. An invitation to lunch is not an obligation to attend. You sound very entitled in ‘expecting your son to do as you wish and reminding’ him of Mother’s Day.

He needs to now spend as much time with you on special dates as god knows how long any one has left. His wife should get this

YABU
You should be proud your son is looking after his wife and underhand you're not his number 1 anymore

Four hours of travelling is too far for a day trip