Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

If you could point to where the OP said that the DiL is banning the OP's son from visiting his mother on MD then feel free to do so....except you can't, because no-where does the OP say it. For all any of us know the DiL might want her DH to visit his mum but HE has decided not to....what with him being an adult and (presumably), able to make his own decisions.

The DIL behaviour has nothing to do with grieving. I can grieve for my dad who died last year without putting a ban on events with my FIL. It really really really is not a fault in the in-law that they are alive when your parent is dead, it's very important to recognise that. You might dislike them for other reasons and that's fine, or you might be busy because you have some other plan, but saying the DS isn't to see his own mother because yours died - well, I've read each response and I still can't see any good reasons apart from spite.

As I mentioned upthread my mum also died in 2020. Do you want to give me a date when I should stop grieving so I can put it in my diary in case I forget?

just wondering what the other three childrens other halfs mothers are doing, or are they invited to lunch as well. What I find anoying is your pointing out daughter in law is three years older, why is that, also that you have the audacity to remind them it is mothers day and expect them to drop everything and pander to your whims.

Haven't read the full thread, but my thoughts are what a wonderful supportive man you have raised.

What I would do if I was him though would be to arrange a seperate time with you to still celebrate you but on a neutral day when his wife will be OK, either there too or at home. I would be feeling disappointed if there was no effort from him at all.

Don’t be so silly to assume you know it is a command from the way the wording comes across to YOU.

I lost my mum almost 10 yes ago, mother's day still doesn't feel great despite now having 2 children of my own.

The only thing that means for me is I opt out of planning anything for mil. I'm not going shopping for mothers Day cards and gifts, it makes me want to vomit. The whole day feels sad especially since we also had years of fertility problems and I miscarried my first pregnancy on mother's day.

I don't ask my husband not to see his mum, I'd happily pack him and the kids off and stay in bed with pringles, some dairy milk and have a cry while watching beaches or something but my children want mother's day with me because theyre wee.

My point is 3 years is fuck all for many after a close bereavement, and it's very possible the husband himself doesn't want to leave her. Also given their ages for all we know they are having fertility issues too. Her son hasn't bowed out fo her life, he's said no to a lunch.

It's either only a day, in which case you may feel you can ask the Dil to ignore her grief for the day but if it's only a day the asking the Mon grieving mil to compromise by having her son for a lunch a different day seems less shitty does it not?

Not everyone can be highly resilient, @SpicedPumpkinLatte - it isn’t a failing, and perhaps you should consider being more sympathetic to and tolerant of people who have low resilience.

Be there for her? Radical, I know.

Look - gripe all you want. The OP’s son has made his decision, and the DIL isn’t even on here to have her mind changed, so … 🤷🏻‍♀️

Surely that's standard anyway. A good husband would and should do those things throughout the year. I wouldn't consider that unusual or being "looked after" if my husband made me dinner or bought me flowers.

I don't know. I have low tolerance for low resilience. I find the son and DIL response odd, but whatever.

Is there an official guideline for grieving that sets the exact day on which grieving MUST stop, and the bereaved person must instantly cheer up, then, @Moonicorn? Or is it just possible that different people grieve differently, and someone might still be sad even more than three years on!

My dad died in 2000 - I still feel sad sometimes - even very sad. I’ll just tell myself how weak I am and stop with my nonsense, shall I?

What can he do three years on? Oh, I don’t know - bring her breakfast in bed, take her out somewhere nice to take her mind off things, buy her flowers, listen to her talk about her mum, rent a movie, cook her a nice dinner - I’m sure there is plenty a caring husband can do to cheer up his wife.

Oh come on. Again, what’s happened here is the OP isn’t coming across well, so everyone is leaping to the defence of DIL who is being massively unreasonable to need her DH with her on Mother’s Day 3 years after her mum passed. They’re both in the wrong for different reasons.

I'm not saying that the lunch itself is a big deal and he must go, although it seemed like a perfectly nice invitation. Just that I'm not sure what he can feasibly do three years on.

So it’s OK to pander to his Mum who’s in a huff because he won’t go to lunch. But not to ‘pander’ to his wife who is struggling?

What about the OP’s other DC?

Their partners are all foregoing spending Mother’s Day with their own Mums in order to have lunch with the OP. But that’s still not good enough for her?

So only a baby ever needs ‘looking after’ @SpicedPumpkinLatte? When my dh lost his mum to cancer, I looked after him - I supported him, listened to him, offered practical help with the arrangements for the funeral, and as it was the day before Christmas Eve, I did everything I could to help him get through that particular ‘first’. Perhaps I should have said “You are a grown up, dh - you don’t need me to look after you!” That wouldn’t have been at all cold hearted.

If someone you loved was going to be grieving and unhappy on a particular day, would you just bugger off and leave them alone because they are too old to need looking after? Or would you spend time with them and support them or try to make the day as good as it could be?

And neither is OP who will have her other children there for Mother’s Day.

Her son has chosen to stay with his wife knowing this is a hard time for her. OP can be disappointed but there’s nothing she can do to change that nor anyone here regardless of our opinions on the matter.

Look after her? She's not a baby

If ds1’s dw needed him more on Mother’s Day, I would have absolutely NO problem with him prioritising her over me. I firmly believe that his first priority is his wife and child.

I would hope and expect that the grief will get easier for the OP’s DIL, as the years go by, so no, @SpicedPumpkinLatte, I wouldn’t her to spend every Mother’s Day in mourning - but while it is still painful for her, her dh is right to look after her.

He can always send his mum flowers and a card, and take her out for lunch or tea after Mother’s Day - it won’t mean he loves her any less if it’s not actually on Mother’s Day. But if the OP makes him choose, it could either damage their relationship, if he chooses his wife, or damage his marriage, if he chooses the OP - and this is avoidable.

You do realize that if a poster expresses a view that doesn't chime with that of the OP, this doesn't automatically mean they must be the person she is writing about? Don't be so silly.

I quote the direct wording of the OP. A message sent to both partners, 'reminding them it is Mothers' Day soon and could they come for a family meal ...' is clearly intended to convey that attendance is expected.

If further evidence of that were needed, OP is now pissed off that they won't attend.

The OP's own wording comes across as very much more like a command than a request.

I'm not surprised her son won't acquiesce.

Since when did the invitation become a summons? Are you the DS/DIL?

I get it. But what do they want to happen now? Spend every mother's day in mourning, meanwhile his own mother is alive and wanting to see him?

Not saying she is wrong. Or that they are obliged to visit OP on mother's day necessarily. Just that life goes on and grief should not dibilitate us, particularly after a long period and as adults.

She isn't being ignored.

He's just not making a 4-hour round trip to attend her summons to a meal.