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Original poster

Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

714 replies

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 16:38

Son lives with wife 2 hours away. Son is 30, she is 33.

His wifes mum died 3 years ago.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

AIBU to be annoyed? Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?

OP posts:
Reclaimtheoutdoors · 22/02/2023 17:21

stripedsox · 22/02/2023 17:18

As a family we sat down talked it over and agreed not to do birthdays, mothers day, christmas cards /presents years ago, it's not for everyone but heck it makes life so much easier. There are no expectations from anyone, we stopped when our youngest turned 18.

love this - family goals! I’d probably celebrate birthdays but would be happy to bin the rest of those holidays.

WilsonMilson · 22/02/2023 17:21

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:16

Thank you!! This is exactly my point….when I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me.

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Frankly, I doubt he will give your form on this thread!

GoldDuster · 22/02/2023 17:21

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:10

She is pleasant enough is person but doesn’t seem to make much effort with our family, I think she is just interested in her relationship with my son to be honest

Well I think you've dropped the final clanger here and any shred of a relationship that did exist with her is probably now over.

When you die? Oh who can say, one can only wonder what your son will wish.

DismantledKing · 22/02/2023 17:20

I’m sorry, but you just sound dreadful.

WilsonMilson · 22/02/2023 17:20

Good grief, why would you text your son’s wife about Mother’s Day, knowing full well she lost her mum? That’s beyond insensitive and very selfish.

You have three other adult dc’s who will visit you. Your DS is doing exactly the right thing here and putting his wife first, which is clearly pissing you off. YABVU!

OhmygodDont · 22/02/2023 17:20

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:16

Thank you!! This is exactly my point….when I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me.

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Probably not if your demanding of his time and kinda rude about his wife’s efforts with you.

Might be why they live two hours away.

4 hours travel, what 2-3 hours for meal and chat. You want them to dedicate 6-7 hours to make you feel good about yourself just because it’s “Mother’s Day”. Rather than because they actually want to visit smh.

KindlyKanga · 22/02/2023 17:20

Can you not just be happy you've raised a caring man? Your other children will be there. Invite then round in a couple of weekends time or something

Lavenderzen · 22/02/2023 17:20

He is putting his wife first, which is the right thing to do.
Shame you don't feel proud that he is doing that.

Arthurflecksfacepaint · 22/02/2023 17:19

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:16

Thank you!! This is exactly my point….when I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me.

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Maybe he will, maybe he won’t.

You can’t force someone to spend time with you. If time isn’t freely given, it’s meaningless.

Would you rather dig g your heels in and force him to come knowing that he didn’t actually want to be there?

KindlyKanga · 22/02/2023 17:19

Can you not just be happy you've raised a caring man? Your other children will be there. Invite then round in a couple of weekends time or something

WaddleAway · 22/02/2023 17:19

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:16

Thank you!! This is exactly my point….when I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me.

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Well he might do, or he might think he already spends enough time with you.

AuntieMarys · 22/02/2023 17:19

Do you not see him regularly? Why the obsession with one day of the year?

Sirzy · 22/02/2023 17:19

You can invite people to lunch. You can’t make it compulsory to attend.

stripedsox · 22/02/2023 17:18

As a family we sat down talked it over and agreed not to do birthdays, mothers day, christmas cards /presents years ago, it's not for everyone but heck it makes life so much easier. There are no expectations from anyone, we stopped when our youngest turned 18.

Swiftswatch · 22/02/2023 17:18

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:10

She is pleasant enough is person but doesn’t seem to make much effort with our family, I think she is just interested in her relationship with my son to be honest

What a bitch.

What effort do you make with her, other than the tone deaf texts?

AngelDelightUK · 22/02/2023 17:18

I think that shows what a caring and thoughtful man your son is to his wife. You don’t sound like you’re too keen on her either

TheHouseElf · 22/02/2023 17:17

Renoir56 · 22/02/2023 17:06

Please tell me you didn't text your daughter in law to remind her it was Mother's Day? Just 3 years after losing her mum? No-one could be that insensitive.

"Just 3 years" you say, so when exactly will it be OK for this Mother to see her son on Mother's Day. After 5 years have passed? Or maybe she needs to wait a decade, or perhaps 2.

As sad as it no doubt is for DIL not have her own Mother anymore, surely no-one would want to keep their husband from seeing theirs. None of us know what's around the corner for any of us, and who is to say that either Mother, or the Son will be here next year.

GodisaBC · 22/02/2023 17:16

I think she’s been unreasonable - will he never be allowed to spend time with his own mum on Mother’s Day?
3 years is enough.

Original poster
Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:16

Snoken · 22/02/2023 17:15

I do too. Your son also only have a finite amount of Mother's Day's to spend with you, it feels strange that the wife doesn't want him to cherish those moments especially since this will now be the third or fourth Mother's Day since her own mother passed. Maybe there is more to this than just her grieving and understandably finding this particular day extra hard.

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Thank you!! This is exactly my point….when I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me.

OP posts:
Newwardrobe · 22/02/2023 17:16

I initially thought this was a reverse, now I think it's a wind up , who sends a reminder to their kids about Mother's Day , especially to someone who has lost theirs .

pristinesurfacesGBTD · 22/02/2023 17:15

Son's wife sounds a bit precious. Is she generally this self absorbed? Does she often have reasons not to engage with her husbands family? What do they do for other family get togethers, Xmas etc.

WaddleAway · 22/02/2023 17:15

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:10

She is pleasant enough is person but doesn’t seem to make much effort with our family, I think she is just interested in her relationship with my son to be honest

Well yes, she married him, not you.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 22/02/2023 17:15

UWhatNow · 22/02/2023 17:04

Oh op. This is MN. Where MILs are worthless, hated and despised. You won’t get anything other than abuse for even suggesting that dinner with your son and his siblings on Mother’s Day might be nice. His wife’s mum has died so you must bear the brunt of this and be hurt and dismissed for even existing. YANBU.

Have you read the op??? Her fucking mother died and she messaged s reminder' to the DIL?!? So yeah, looks like this MIL is one you'd like to pass on.

My MIL is amazing fwiw

Beeinalily · 22/02/2023 17:15

It's the best part of 20 years since my Mum died, but I still find Mother's day hard, although I try not to show it. Have a lovely meal together on another day, and spend Mother's day pampering yourself and eating a lovely takeaway or something💐

Snoken · 22/02/2023 17:15

RattlewhenIwalk · 22/02/2023 17:11

Totally see your point of view. I was devastated when my mother died but I would never have dreamt of him not seeing his own mother on Mother's Day. If anything it's made me drive him to keep more regular contact.

I do think there's a lot of selfishness going about these days.

I do too. Your son also only have a finite amount of Mother's Day's to spend with you, it feels strange that the wife doesn't want him to cherish those moments especially since this will now be the third or fourth Mother's Day since her own mother passed. Maybe there is more to this than just her grieving and understandably finding this particular day extra hard.