Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

This has to be a pisstake. If it isn't, it's one of the most spectacularly insensitive things I've read on this site. And that's saying much.

Of course his wife finds Mothering Sunday difficult. It's still a sad day for me, even though my mother died young nearly two decades ago and I'm now a mother myself. I struggled with emails from retailers 'reminding' me of that day for years afterwards. 3 years is an irrelevance, to those who would attempt to put a timescale on someone else's grief.

I'm glad OP's DiL has a husband who is kinder and more understanding and supportive than her MiL. Always bearing in mind it was his decision not to visit. You might want to do some reflection on why this might be the case.

As for the excuse 'people should spend more time with me because one day I won't be here' those who trot out this objection fall into a definite type. People tend to spend time together, not because of duty or guilt-tripping, but because the other person makes it a pleasant experience to be around them rather than the reverse.

One day we'll all be dead. That's no excuse for behaving like a dick. Yes, you are. YABU.

Seems like you can't OP. I can't understand why some people are giving you such a hard time and there are a lot of assumptions being made.

Think its really sad your son doesn't seem to want to make the effort to see you on MD. I happily travel 3 hours and by public transport each way just to see mine. Why, because I love her, cherish her and am thankfully for all she did for me. So those saying a 2 hours each way journey 'just for a lunch' is such a huge ask are talking nonsense.

His wife should come first before you. My husband certainly comes before my dad. It's the vow you make on your wedding day.

You ‘win’ by messaging your don privately to say that you’d love to see them both of Mother’s Day and will be doing xyz but of course you absolutely understand if his wife doesn’t want to come, or if they want to do something together to remember her mum. Then by accepting and supporting their decision.

You sound like my mil…

I think the text to both was to ensure the DIL had to actively decline, rather than texting the son only allowing him to easily sidestep on behalf of his wife.

Absolutely. And entitled and I expect quite controlling. I’m a mother of adult sons and the idea that I would ‘expect’ them to spend the day with me because it’s ‘Mother's Day’ is absurd. OP didn’t even appear to ask her son if he’d like to come over but demanded/expected his presence!

Took me about 10 years after my dad died to even acknowledge Father's Day and we weren't even close.

I think your son is lovely for thinking of his wife. You can presumably see him/them another weekend and have a meal with them when it's less emotive for his dw

I’d be embarrassed to summon my children on Mother’s Day, they should come when they choose.

This can’t be for real.

No one can be this dense.

You’re not her mother.

2 out of 3 of your children will be there. Isn't that enough?

Easter is only a month later, say you are sorry and that you realise now it was a bit insensitive, what about they come for Easter Sunday instead?

Also, it seems odd that you're organising your own Mother's Day celebration

Usually a reason for that…

You can win. By inviting them and accepting that they’ve declined the invitation. Unless it was a summons rather than an invitation?

Once your children are adults you have to accept that they won't always be able to spend Mother's Day with you.

You're blowing this up into a bigger deal than it is, and you're coming across as quite demanding.

Also, it seems odd that you're organising your own Mother's Day celebration.

You are being selfish. Try and consider your DIL's feelings. Mother's Day will be painful for her and your son is right to prioritise her. Try having a little empathy.

Potentially it is an excuse on his behalf. Alternatively maybe he's doing it so as not to upset his wife and for an easier life (so to speak) and perhaps wife is controlling when/how he sees his Mum/family. It would be interesting to know from OP if pre DIL's Mum's death if they ever visited on Mother's Day(s).

Is there a particular reason he moved two hours away from you, OP?

Your son can make memories and see you on any day, doesn't have to be mothers day.

Understandably a difficult day for you son's wife, if you all lived closer I can imagine he would pop in but I can well get not making a 4 hour trip or wanting to leave her on her own when she feels vulnerable. I don't think you should be taking it personally.

So why not just text your son?. Why the hell did you think it a good idea to include his wife in a message reminding her about mother's day ffs.

Of course you wouldn't be accused of excluding her! She's not your child, so there was no need to demand that she comes to celebrate YOUR Mother's Day. Plus, I hate to be the one to break it you, when they have DC he's even less likely to come, because it will be HER Mother's Day. Or do you expect to trump that too?

Ah, now the poor me.

Honestly OP, if you can't accept that texting a woman who has recently lost her mother to remind her that it is mother's day because "your feelings" need all your adult children in your house, then you've got a surprise coming one of these days.

You said you sent them a reminder though?

If it was “Ds, your siblings are coming to lunch on X date. I know this is mother’s day and I know that it will be a difficult day for DIL, but you are both my family, so the invite is there if DIL feels up to it. If not, I understand and we will get together another time”.

That would have been kinder.

Agree
Dont drive a wedge between your son and his wife
Your behaviour is insensitive
Well done to your son for recognising his wife’s feelings

You are being obtuse. It isn't the fact that you invited them both. It's the fact that you texted your DIL reminding them it's Mother's Day. Couldn't you just have texted your son?

And he hasn't said that he doesn't want to acknowledge it's Mothers Day or remember you. He's said that a family celebration is too much for his wife so soon after losing her mum. He's being kind. That's surely a good thing. There will be lots of other occasions when you can see them.